Misgendered because of voice

[rainflower]

I was at the store today, and one of the staff asked "Have you found everything you were looking for today ma'am?" Happy with this pronoun use, I said "Yes." To which she replies "I'm so sorry! I just saw the long hair, I used the wrong pronoun." I just replied "I'm a ma'am" and moved on.

At another store, someone was being trained at checkout. The trainer first referred to me as "her", but after I spoke, I am pretty sure he referred to me as "he" after that.

 

I've had voice training for a couple months, not sure that it is changing much other than making me slightly androgynous, but either way most people are thinking male when they hear my voice.

 

I didn't let it get to me to much, I think I have decided that this misgendering thing will just be a fact of life and I have my own validation that I am a woman and don't need it from others, despite how much the misgendering may sting at times.

[Emily michelle]

I have the same thing too. My voice just screams male and it really bothers me to the point I’m afraid to speak in public. I haven’t tried to get any help yet I’d like to see a speech therapist but the only ones that will help trans people are down in the city, which I would have to take off of work to see one and also my insurance doesn’t cover trans care.

[Guest]

I tried so hard over the years to make my voice more masculine and now I’m having to unlearn those habits now that I’ve accepted who I am.

[rainflower]

My new voice therapist is about an hour away and they do telemed appts. It's not ideal but better than nothing. Sorry your insurance won't help with it. Have you found anything useful on YouTube? I tried that first and it was too confusing and not very comprehensive, just a mash up of random tricks to try and that isn't very helpful for me.

 

That's really interesting, I too always thought my voice wasn't masculine enough when I was trying to be that way. I know a lot of it has to do with the words I use and how I say things. 

 

[ValerieRun]

The main issue is with the "baseline" of the voice that helps with the gendering. As you probably learned already, just going into the higher pitch will not change the perception (or first impression) of where your voice started. It would appear that a lot of us had to learn to use deeper voice in the attempt to fit in better, but ultimately it was still overlaying on the same base.

And so the main point of re-learning  now is how to modify the baseline. I am about to start on the whole voice training, but from all the videos one thing becomes clear - you need a human feedback (or be EXTREMELY critical to your own recordings and understand what to change) to tailor the exercises to improve.

[rainflower]

Yeah there is no way I could do it on my own, it's really hard to change.

 

[Emily michelle]

I just called a speech therapist and they want a referral from my doctor so I’m hoping my endocrinologist will send them a referral.

[rainflower]

They should! I don't see why not, it is pretty common. 

[Jackie C.]

21 hours ago, AwesomeClaire said:

I've had voice training for a couple months

 

Don't worry about it. Voice training takes time. I wasn't really "solid" until I'd been at it, oh, somewhere in the 6 to 9 month range with constant (attempted) use and an hour a day of targeted practice. There's a lot to learn and building up the right muscles isn't going to happen overnight. My voice is lovely now, but it sure didn't start that way.

 

I did it with minimal feedback from my spouse (I think she was afraid to say anything), a couple of apps on my tablet and an online voice coach. She sent me lessons, I could send her voice clips back and she'd give me pointers.

 

This is such a big deal to people, I was thinking about a Discord session where we could just talk about it and work on our voices. Right this second I'm up to my chesticles in RBT training, but a once-a-month thing on Saturdays with people who have their female voice down and people trying to learn seems like it would be a good thing. (Plans are nebulous, but I'm willing to put in the effort if there's interest.)

 

Hugs!

[rainflower]

Ok. The new voice place is a bit slow in getting back to me. I might be able to do a group thing but Sundays would be better for me, I might be able to do an hour Saturday afternoon. I'd recommend zoom instead, even with the 40 minute time limit for groups on free version, it is far superior to discord.

[LusciousTheLock]

I've got to look into this now. I never really thought about it, but had to call a broken windscreen through to the repairers the other day on behalf of another driver. I was asked for my name, I replied Tamsyn. The lovely lady said. No. I need your name. Tamsyn. No not the driver she replied, yours. Sadly I caved in and said James. Then hung up headbutting my desk. I can do a female voice and have practised. Just cant seem to take myself seriously enough to pull it off on a permanent basis.

[Jackie C.]

3 hours ago, LusciousTheLock said:

Just cant seem to take myself seriously enough to pull it off on a permanent basis.

 

It's just practice. It's hard to change your voice permanently, but you can absolutely do it if you want it. You'll get there. After keeping my voice where it's at currently for... oh, two and a half years... it's harder to talk in a male voice. I can do it, but I have to make an effort. There's the occasional misstep, but I know how to cover and correct, so it's no big deal. Again, you'll get there. Practice and patience lead to perfection.

 

Hugs!

[rainflower]

Yeah, even tho I am not very advanced in the voice training, I finally got back into lessons the past few weeks. I do have to make a serious effort to drop back into my default male range.

[CJP]

When I first started transitioning, I didn't focus on my voice...it was all about the hair, makeup, hair removal, etc! 😉 And when I looked pretty decent but was still getting misgendered. I tried a lot of the CD's and YouTubes out there and even a speech therapist but nothing helped get me to sound female. It was getting to me enough that I was beginning to lose hope on ever being able to get correctly gendered. I was super depressed, it got really bad. Then someone in my support group called and told me about an online course, and that really helped...I started getting "ma'am'd" really quickly. It gave me hope that I could live as a women, fully integrated into my community as a woman. I don't like to think about where my life would be (or if I'd even still be here!) if I hadn't found that course. I always tell people it's worth a try, especially since speech therapists are so expensive without insurance (and my speech therapist didn't even help me much.) I like that you can download the lessons, and keep them forever, because it's good to refresh the techniques from time to time. It really does take long-term effort...And it has train your brain exercises to keep your voice high in stressful situations, etc.  If anyone is interested, I think the website is www.femalevoiceclub.com.  I highly recommend it.

 

[Jackie C.]

6 hours ago, CJP said:

If anyone is interested, I think the website is www.femalevoiceclub.com.  I highly recommend it.

 

Yeah, I worked with Nina too. Great course.

 

Hugs!