Autistic Son

[JustineM]

My oldest (10) son has finally started asking why Daddy is dressing different and wearing a bra. It was kinda funny but I noticed the other day when I had my breast forms in he kind of arches his back when he hugs me, so they don’t press against him.

 

As I said in the title, he is autistic and I am trying to figure out how to explain what’s going on with me so he can understand. Does anyone have any suggestions? I have to admit I’m kinda at a loss at the moment.

[VickySGV]

For any 10 year old, the simplest explanation will do fine for the near future.  My experience with AS children is that they do not have to process a lot of "whys" to get acceptance of how other people are acting.  The important thing for your son, or any child is that they did not cause you to do what you are, and by doing the things that you are, he will be safe and cared for.    At 10 children, sex is not the talk of the day.  I have a grandson who is very high functioning AS (Aspie light as even he jokes about it).  I am betting it will be less a problem than it would be if he were older and it will be becoming routine which takes off stress fairly early.  Big deal is not to over explain things which can be upsetting.  There are Trans people who are Autistic themselves, and they do have some on-line groups.  You can also find some help here http://www.PFLAG.org.

[Susan R]

5 hours ago, JustineM said:

My oldest (10) son has finally started asking why Daddy is dressing different and wearing a bra...

 

...he is autistic and I am trying to figure out how to explain what’s going on with me so he can understand. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Justine,

 

Kids like routine and soon learn to expect routine in their lives when they’re young. When they notice things change and it can’t be explained by previous routine or experiences, it’s normal for them to ask why the change. You likely won’t get too much if any judgement either at that age if you explain it it terms they can understand. I came out to my grandkids and I used analogy to help them see why you need to be yourself.

 

For example; One analogy you might try is a story of being told you were left handed all your life. Everyone told you that you needed to always do things with your left hand....write with your left hand, throw a ball with your left hand, even use your fork with your left hand. One day, you tried using your right hand and it just felt right. You made the switch to using your right hand and everyone complained. They kept telling you that you have to use your left hand. Then after struggling for years you decide one day to make a choice for yourself and tell everyone you know...”I am going to use my right hand because I’m right handed and it feels right for me!”

 

Anyways, it’s a silly story but you get the point. Kids are great using their imagination and can understand things really well when told in analogy or stories THEY can relate to to make your point.

 

I hope it goes well for you, Justine!?

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Chiefsrule58]

Having three boys 17, 8, and 7, the youngest two both have autism I would suggest that you explain it in on his level.  It is very important to make sure that he knows that you are there for them and it's not in any way his fault. Change can be hard for anyone and in my experience it's extra difficult when autism is involved so go slow, make him feel safe and ensure him you love him and are there for him. I would also encourage him to ask questions. Finally maybe consider reading I am Jazz with him. I did that when I came out to my oldest son who was around 12 years old at the time. After coming out to my oldest son I spoke with my therapist and brought him with me to a couple of sessions.  He also did some one on one as well. Just be patient and reassuring and everything will be fine.

 

Best of luck take care,

Jamie

[Sofia Falti]

Quick bit a background, I am an autistic adult.

 

We refer to autism as a spectrum because there are so many different components and issues that various individuals may have or not have.  One component of autism is extreme sensitivity to various sensory experiences. Personally I encounter sensitivity issues to light and sound. However, for a number of autistic individuals "touch" can be something they struggle with. In this case I am using the word touch as it applies to the sense of touch, not the verb "to touch". When you go to hug your son, it is possible that he is also reacting to the feeling of the breast forms. I wear breast forms myself, and they do feel different compared to genuine breasts. Just a thought.

[JustineM]

I think this is going to be more difficult than I thought.  We were watching I am Jazz the other day and his main comment was that Jazz has a lot of problems. He just has trouble wrapping his head around the LGBTQ+ ideas.  Just got to keep gently working with him.  

 

Thank you for all the replies and suggestions

[Sabine]

I read your post with interest when you first put it up, having an autistic child myself. At the time I felt that I did not have anything particular to add, as Sofia comes from an authorative place and makes a lot of sense. I thought that my daughter would also be a bit weirded out by breast forms as she most definitely has tactile issues (as well smell and sound). But the main thing I was thinking about here is about "projection." My daughter will "shy away" from lots of tactile experiences, it has nothing to do with ME WEARING tights or a particular dress, etc. It is about the material and her mood at the moment. Thus, I was thinking about your son and his Jazz comment. It really could have come from a much more grounded place. As my daughter can be super matter of factly, it could be that your son was looking at (The girl Jazz's life) as troubled, with boys, and relationships, and friends and ... normal everyday life stuff. My daughter doesn't "get" why people are so troubled by everyday things. She even thinks that if you are transgender you just need to "live it." She can't bend her mind around why it is a problem. Perhaps if you look at your son with this lens it may change everything?

I hope so!

S

[JustineM]

Well it’s gotten a little better. He no longer tries to completely avoid touching my breast forms lol. My wife and I are talking about getting Jazz’s children’s book for him. 
@Sabine he isn’t entirely wrong about Jazz though. She is very open about all her mental health issues and eating disorder. We just keep gently working with him.