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My coming out saga - Myles


Myles97

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Myles97

Hi folks !

my name is Myles. I’ve made a few other posts on the forums before, but I am starting this thread to continuously update my coming out process. I would really appreciate some feedback/advice too if anyone has any. I came out to my partner and therapist officially back in November 2020. Both have been 100% supportive in every way possible. I have also discussed with my doctor and have my prescription for HRT. I finally told one of my closest friends today (3/3). It was terrifying to work up the courage to tell her. But she was so sweet and affirming. She said she already did know, and was glad I was comfortable to tell her. She’s keeping my secret for me until I can come out to our other friends and at our work. I appreciate her a lot, and her response was everything people hope for. But I am not feeling relieved. I thought maybe it would make me feel happier, more relieved, or something. But I just feel kinda spaced out right now. This has many in an entire tizzy of self doubt. I don’t know really how to process this. I am planning to come out to my mom and sister tomorrow night. I’m not sure that they are going to take it well though. I just don’t really know where to go from here. I was hoping the “high” of coming out to my friend tonight would empower me to face my family tomorrow, but so far it hasn’t. I also have an important project due tomorrow morning, so maybe that’s clouding my feelings. Idk. Anyways, hopefully future posts from me on this thread are more positive. But for now I’d really appreciate some sort of feedback. Did anyone else feel like this? How do you battle the self doubt ? 

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To be honest I’m not completely out yet but my parents know and my friends so I can maybe tell you about that feeling, maybe, that’s more on my experience. I told some of my friends and my partner before saying it to my parents and I did not feel really better because I still had to tell it to my parents so I just kept thinking about this. So maybe idk this is based on me but maybe it’s because you’re still stressed about the fact that your sister and mother don’t know yet. And again you might not feel exactly better after they know or maybe yes depending on their reaction but you might feel it off your shoulders, but like I said it’s my experience and we’re all different. So I don’t really know but at least you’ll have a good end to this, and that you’ll be accepted by your mother and sister even if it might take a while ^^ so good luck! I think you can do it!

 

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AgnesBardsie
7 hours ago, Myles97 said:

Did anyone else feel like this? How do you battle the self doubt ? 

Great question! Number one. Be true to yourself. It's your inner sense that matters, no one else. When doubts creep in, put them under a light and ask yourself honestly where they're coming from. Is it anticipation of someone's negative opinion that is causing the doubt? If so, remember that they haven't actually responded yet. It's the anticipation that's causing the doubt. You know in yourself better than anyone else who you are. Keep your focus on that. Love who you are. Others will love you for who you are as a result. Two more pieces of advice. (1) Breathe! (2) Smile!

 

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Myles97
12 hours ago, Liam da potato said:

 

To be honest I’m not completely out yet but my parents know and my friends so I can maybe tell you about that feeling, maybe, that’s more on my experience. I told some of my friends and my partner before saying it to my parents and I did not feel really better because I still had to tell it to my parents so I just kept thinking about this. So maybe idk this is based on me but maybe it’s because you’re still stressed about the fact that your sister and mother don’t know yet. And again you might not feel exactly better after they know or maybe yes depending on their reaction but you might feel it off your shoulders, but like I said it’s my experience and we’re all different. So I don’t really know but at least you’ll have a good end to this, and that you’ll be accepted by your mother and sister even if it might take a while ^^ so good luck! I think you can do it!

 

Thank you! I think you’re right - it’s still heavy on my shoulders. Thank you for your confidence that it’ll all end up well. Congrats on your coming out so far!

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Myles97
12 hours ago, AgnesBardsie said:

Great question! Number one. Be true to yourself. It's your inner sense that matters, no one else. When doubts creep in, put them under a light and ask yourself honestly where they're coming from. Is it anticipation of someone's negative opinion that is causing the doubt? If so, remember that they haven't actually responded yet. It's the anticipation that's causing the doubt. You know in yourself better than anyone else who you are. Keep your focus on that. Love who you are. Others will love you for who you are as a result. Two more pieces of advice. (1) Breathe! (2) Smile!

 

Thanks so much for the advice. I often need to reminded to just breathe! I get too wrapped up in my anxiety sometimes. Honestly, if my partner and I were on an island living life as just us I would happily and without doubt live as male. So I am pretty positive all of the anxiety is stemming from anticipation like you said. I am also scared coming out is going to hurt my ability to get a job in the future and I don’t want to feel like I’ve screwed myself over for the sake of my happiness. Idk, just have to reflect and remember that at the end of the day this life is mine and how happy can I be in the closet? Thank you again for advice and letting me vent. 

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Myles97

Update 1

Yesterday (3/6) I worked up the nerve and came out to my mom and sister! My dad passed away in 2005, so I’ve officially come out to my entire “immediate family.” It was so scary at first. I sent them a text message (long letter type text) to our group chat, and then felt absolutely sick to my stomach. I wished more than anything I could unsend the text. But I couldn’t, and spoiler alert, in the long run I’m glad I couldn’t. I basically live posted on here on a different forum that I started on self doubt as I waited my mom and sister to respond. And it made the world of different having folks on here comfort me throughout the process. My sister called first and she told me she loved me, and that she was happy to have a brother now. She is so proud of me and so sad that I struggled in silence for so long. She said I can always trust her with anything and she will support me to the ends of the earth. She is an absolute gift y’all. My mom had still not responded by this point. I was really scared she wasn’t taking it well. So my sister called her to check in and they talked for a while. My sister called me back and said that mom had just read the text and wasn’t mad or disappointed at all. She was also sad that I felt like I had to suffer in silence for all these years. My sister said my mom still loved me and would like to chat if I felt up to it. But she understood if I wanted to wait and talk later - I’m glad she was patient and recognizing how hard this was for me. I imagine it was also a lot for her to process. I called her, and she and her boyfriend talked with me on the phone. She reassured me that she supports me 100% in anything I do, she just wants me to be happy. She also asked me to be patient with her as she learns my new name and pronouns. I told her of course, it’s a learning curve for my partner and I too. We will all get there with practice. I can’t even begin to describe to you the relief I feel now. I’m still scared that my mom is going to call and change her mind about being supportive - but that is my own anxiety I need to deal with. I am relieved, but I am also ready for some normalcy. For years I’ve struggled silently, for months I have processed out loud traumatically, and now I’m having to take something that was once my biggest secret and share it with everyone. It is freeing but it also makes you feel so incredibly vulnerable. And that’s a tough way to feel sometimes.  But I am proud of myself and I am grateful to have a partner who has boldly stood by me through this entire process. I would have never worked up the courage to tell my family without her. If you would’ve told me years ago, months ago, or even two days ago that today I would be writing a post about how my family has said they love and accept me for who I am I would have never believed you. Again, that’s me projecting my own insecurities. But I hope that some of you can relate to this experience. And even if your coming out story did not start as happily as this one, that’s okay too. I am here for you all just the way you have been here for me. We will all navigate together, and we can be your chosen family. I am hoping that once I am officially out to everyone I will finally feel settled. I am tired of lying/hiding and the conversations of “coming out” are incredibly exhausting. Anyways, I’m on my way to normalcy and I am sincerely happy. And I am so happy my new normal is life as Myles. 

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  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

That is fantastic Myles.  Enjoy a life where you can be yourself without fear of loosing your family.  Relax a bit.  I remember being exhausted after i came out to my wife and family.  So many emotions can really be a workout.

Congratulations

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Myles97

Update 1

Yesterday (3/6) I worked up the nerve and came out to my mom and sister! My dad passed away in 2005, so I’ve officially come out to my entire “immediate family.” It was so scary at first. I sent them a text message (long letter type text) to our group chat, and then felt absolutely sick to my stomach. I wished more than anything I could unsend the text. But I couldn’t, and spoiler alert, in the long run I’m glad I couldn’t. I basically live posted on here on a different forum that I started on self doubt as I waited my mom and sister to respond. And it made the world of different having folks on here comfort me throughout the process. My sister called first and she told me she loved me, and that she was happy to have a brother now. She is so proud of me and so sad that I struggled in silence for so long. She said I can always trust her with anything and she will support me to the ends of the earth. She is an absolute gift y’all. My mom had still not responded by this point. I was really scared she wasn’t taking it well. So my sister called her to check in and they talked for a while. My sister called me back and said that mom had just read the text and wasn’t mad or disappointed at all. She was also sad that I felt like I had to suffer in silence for all these years. My sister said my mom still loved me and would like to chat if I felt up to it. But she understood if I wanted to wait and talk later - I’m glad she was patient and recognizing how hard this was for me. I imagine it was also a lot for her to process. I called her, and she and her boyfriend talked with me on the phone. She reassured me that she supports me 100% in anything I do, she just wants me to be happy. She also asked me to be patient with her as she learns my new name and pronouns. I told her of course, it’s a learning curve for my partner and I too. We will all get there with practice. I can’t even begin to describe to you the relief I feel now. I’m still scared that my mom is going to call and change her mind about being supportive - but that is my own anxiety I need to deal with. I am relieved, but I am also ready for some normalcy. For years I’ve struggled silently, for months I have processed out loud traumatically, and now I’m having to take something that was once my biggest secret and share it with everyone. It is freeing but it also makes you feel so incredibly vulnerable. And that’s a tough way to feel sometimes.  But I am proud of myself and I am grateful to have a partner who has boldly stood by me through this entire process. I would have never worked up the courage to tell my family without her. If you would’ve told me years ago, months ago, or even two days ago that today I would be writing a post about how my family has said they love and accept me for who I am I would have never believed you. Again, that’s me projecting my own insecurities. But I hope that some of you can relate to this experience. And even if your coming out story did not start as happily as this one, that’s okay too. I am here for you all just the way you have been here for me. We will all navigate together, and we can be your chosen family. I am hoping that once I am officially out to everyone I will finally feel settled. I am tired of lying/hiding and the conversations of “coming out” are incredibly exhausting. Anyways, I’m on my way to normalcy and I am sincerely happy. And I am so happy my new normal is life as Myles. 

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Myles97

Sorry for the double post above. Not sure why update 1 posted twice. Strange. Idk how to delete. 
 

anyways: update 2!

same day, but talked with my mom more. She is treating me totally normal! I’m just Myles and that’s okay! I feel so euphoric. Also my girlfriend took me shopping today and I got lots of new clothes and shoes. Again, cue euphoria! My mom also told my “godmother” who is someone I am closest too. I told my mom I was scared that my god-mom wouldn’t love me anymore... well a few hours ago my godmother texted me reassuring me she loves me no matter what!! She said it’ll be a change, but it’s perfectly fine. Y’all, I have been happy crying on and off all day. I can’t express how happy I finally feel. 

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AgnesBardsie
1 hour ago, Myles97 said:

Y’all, I have been happy crying on and off all day. I can’t express how happy I finally feel. 

You may have had some encouragement on this site but don’t forget who it was who plucked up his courage, faced his deepest fears, and overcame them. You can take immense pride in that!

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Myles97
2 hours ago, AgnesBardsie said:

You may have had some encouragement on this site but don’t forget who it was who plucked up his courage, faced his deepest fears, and overcame them. You can take immense pride in that!

Thank you so much for that!! ❤️

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  • 2 weeks later...
Myles97

CW: surgery, coming out
Update 3!

my mom has told several of her friends (with my permission) that I am also “friends” with! They have all been supportive. We have a group chat with two of her best friends and the other day my mom sent a text to the group referring to me - she used he/him and it made my heart so happy. I can tell everyone is trying really hard, and always quick to correct and move on if there is a slip. It makes me feel good. I have been very fortunate in my coming out so far, and selfishly I of course hope it continues this way. Also I have my top surgery consult next Wednesday with Dr. Gallagher. I am stoked to hopefully get to be a #gallagherguy. I am waiting on my department at work to let me know of some things, but then I plan to come out publicly! I am nervous, but hopeful. 

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