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Update on my situation, it's not getting any better


Transgirlkatie

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Transgirlkatie

Hey, 2 weeks ago I talked about how I was feeling suicidal over covid, and unfortunately things have only gotten worse for me. One of my friends got mad at me on wendsday for saying that I was planning on getting my nails done after my 2nd dose, and said she has no sympathy for my feelings of loneliness. And then most of my friends are good or better than me at making friends online, and I don't do well with online social interactions. I did a virtual trans support group last week, and it didn't go well when I said I was planning on taking a trip to Florida and going to their nightclubs in late June when me and my mom are fully vaccinated, they all said that it still was a bad idea then. And I think killing myself is the best option because it's too hard to make friends online for me, and pretty much everyone I know of is ok with doing everything over zoom forever. 

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I can understand how you'd feel that way; Covid's been a right bastard.

Even though I lost my mother to Covid, if you're fully vaccinated take a trip, blow off some steam. You need to take care of YOU! We're social animals and we need interaction; some people need more than others. Once you're fully vaccinated, take the trip, and while on it, do what you can to protect the people around you; same when you get back.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that will go away. I would DEFINITELY recommend talking with the people at the suicide hotline. I'd love to help you, and if I was qualified to help you, I'd call you in a heartbeat. Since I'm not, please call 800-273-8255.
 

 

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  • Admin
VickySGV

Well you will miss the trip to Florida if you do try to kill yourself is the first thing that comes to my mind.  I am putting a link to a song in here that 40+ of my trans friends sing as a chorus down here in Los Angeles about the subject of Friends.  This is not my friends on this video, but you will get the song and its meaning--

 

https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?fr=mcafee&ei=UTF-8&p=song+more+friends+than+you+know&type=E211US1079G0#id=5&vid=1655dfe1908889585dcfb02dc0ca03d7&action=click

 

As the song says there are friends you are going to meet so "give it time, take it slow, those who love you the most may need more time to grow, You are going to be OK.

 

Six years ago I did not know any of my Chorus friends, and I was worried too if I would ever have any of the type of "familyship" that has come about.  This coming Sunday we will have been together only on Zoom and other similar media for a full year, and we admit we are starved for hugs and fellowship.  Last fall, we connected on line with 5 other Trans singing groups and did a concert that way.  I never would have dreamed of this sort of thing.  You are not far from San Francisco where there are going to be good things going on before long. As I have said it takes time , I am old enough to be your grandmother I am guessing.  I have had time to grow and find friends.  BTW, I have been to a couple of clubs in Florida and we have better stuff here in CA.

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Transgirlkatie

Huh, I don't feel like I'll ever be able to make new friends. I didnt get to know enough people before covid and many of my friends are super cautious and even after they get vaccinated they still don't want too see me without distancing. And on of them doesn't even think I should go to a nail salon after getting my 2nd dose. And I also dont have good roommates, I tried to stay with a friend, but then she suddenly changed and kicked me out. And my mom isn't very supportive of me, she doesn't call me Katie and wrote off my concerns of not trusting mental health professionals over being abused at a mental hospital, and she thinks online friendships are just as good as in person friendships. 

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Sarahnr1
6 hours ago, Transgirlkatie said:

Hey, 2 weeks ago I talked about how I was feeling suicidal over covid, and unfortunately things have only gotten worse for me. One of my friends got mad at me on wendsday for saying that I was planning on getting my nails done after my 2nd dose, and said she has no sympathy for my feelings of loneliness.

 

And then most of my friends are good or better than me at making friends online, and I don't do well with online social interactions. I did a virtual trans support group last week, and it didn't go well when I said I was planning on taking a trip to Florida and going to their nightclubs in late June when me and my mom are fully vaccinated, they all said that it still was a bad idea then.

 

And I think killing myself is the best option because it's too hard to make friends online for me, and pretty much everyone I know of is ok with doing everything over zoom forever. 

 

We can all have  bad days  as  youre  friend  seemed  to had said  day so i wouldent  take that  to hard   youre friend  was  probaly just blowing  of steem.  As  for   fixing  youre nails  after  dose  2   just make shore   you do use cation still  (the vacinne  does  NOT  give you 100 %   protection same  as   protecting  others   100 %  )   

 

Even after   the vaccination is  done   im afraid  until the majority of the  entire   population is  vaccinated  (minimum 70 + % ) So the  night club  idea   im afraid  i have to agree  with them  its  NOT  a good  idea  (and  most definetly alredy in June )  But  just because they reacted  dont  mean there  mad  or pissed   on you dear  im not.

 

This situation will NOT be forever  so killing  youre self  just for this is just  stupid  dear. Yes  im afraid  it will be   for  a  long  while  yet  and  we  will have to learn to live  with this  & certain restrictions  etc...   As this  will not  just  go away  its here to stay  BUT  this said  it dont  mean full lock downs   24 /7   and we WILL get back much of  our life  in time  and gradually. The vaccine  is  NOT   a  magick potion thet makes  everything   go back to normal  its  a  valuble  tool to in continuing  to learn to adapt  and  live  our  lifes  as  Post  corona.  Im well aware  that cali have been hit  hard  (i both have  family as well as  friend s  over there  )  but  you cant  give  up on life  Katie  . shore it  wont  be the same as  pre  corona  but  it will be  WAY better  then it is now   it just need time .

 

4 hours ago, Transgirlkatie said:

Huh, I don't feel like I'll ever be able to make new friends. I didnt get to know enough people before covid and many of my friends are super cautious and even after they get vaccinated they still don't want too see me without distancing.

 

And on of them doesn't even think I should go to a nail salon after getting my 2nd dose.

 

And I also dont have good roommates, I tried to stay with a friend, but then she suddenly changed and kicked me out.

 

And my mom isn't very supportive of me, she doesn't call me Katie and wrote off my concerns of not trusting mental health professionals over being abused at a mental hospital

 

, and she thinks online friendships are just as good as in person friendships. 

  

And yet you have managed  to get  all of  us  Katie .  Again  its  good that they are  super cautious  as this  is FAR from over my friend & as i said  even after the  vacinne  we  still need to continue  using  caution  for  long  time yet  im afraid 

 

As  long as  you use cation and they are too And  minimum  2 weeks  AFTER  the  2 shot  it shouldent  be a problem Katie. 

 

Thats  sadly what can happen with roommates 

 

I would  be the same  if i had been  abused  like that  Katie  and it breaks  my heart  you seemed  to have been.

 

It all depends  on how you are  as  a person for  me  with my diagnosis id say 98 %  of my social life  is  online  1 %  phone   &  1 % in reel life  if that. So for me  its  okey  . BUT for  others   i can most definetly agree  its  not easy and  its  not the same  with  online  as reel life     

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Transgirlkatie

This things has been going on for a year now, I can't stand social distancing and wearing masks past the summer. And what I'm concerned about is that too many people will refuse the vaccine, sadly in the USA theres a bunch of anti vaxxers, and then there's the issue of we don't have a vaccine for kids yet, and it might take till next year to get one. And we can't vaccinate that many till we can vaccinate kids because they're 22 percent of the population

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Sarahnr1
1 hour ago, Transgirlkatie said:

This things has been going on for a year now,

 

I can't stand social distancing and wearing masks past the summer.

 

And what I'm concerned about is that too many people will refuse the vaccine, sadly in the USA theres a bunch of anti vaxxers

 

, and then there's the issue of we don't have a vaccine for kids yet, and it might take till next year to get one.

 

And we can't vaccinate that many till we can vaccinate kids because they're 22 percent of the population

 

belive  me  i know  its  a living pain in the  .....   It has  managed to put  my life on hols d as well JUST when i finaly   began to get somewhere  ( found  a  LOVELY partner  and  well we are on hold  until things  calm down over here  HOPFULLY  tho were  able to finaly meet this spring  )   

 

I understand  its  hard   (despite all the  garbage you most likely read  about Sweden  we are as close to total lock down as can be  right now  and we have had  restrictions  ever since )  

 

Yeah we have that  BS  over  here as well  (only its  with the Astra  vaccine 

 

They are working  on it  tho and  as  more  adults  have takend  the vaccine   will be  shielded  by those that have takend it .

 

Just read today  that youre predident   have declared   that its  expected  thet the majority of  US   citizens  WILL  be vaccinated   by June so its  not  that there isent  a  light in this tunnel dear   (infact same  goal is  over  here  by Midsummer  PROVIDING  we get  our  doses  alredy contracted )  BUT as i said  just because   the vaccin is  in you DONT mean youre   immune  to this   and sadly i would say  we need to accept  that there will be  some  restrictions  needed   in one form or level  or another  for  a  the rest  of this year  (This  DONT mean  full lock down  and  restrictions  will be  lowerd   im shore   come  summer  as more and  more  have been vaccinated. 

 

And you should also know that US  have  WAY faster rate  and  vaccine  then we have over here in EU  So its   most definetly on in US   to get better  my friend. The  problem  is if  restrictions   are  removed  or lowerd  to fast  or to much   you risk getting  hit again (we are actually now in wave 3  )   And we  havent lowerd  only increased  as the  sitution have  changed.  So what we all need to try is  to have some patince   my friend  and remember  one year  ago    NOONE   belived  we would have vaccines  done  alredy. 

 

And  belive  me  i agree  its  frustrating  as  .....  waiting  for the darn vaccine  and all the  flipping  restrictions  messing  up the  entire world  so i understand  youre frustration   BUT   go as far  as  suicide  due to it   NA   thats  just  stupid  my friend. & you know as well as  i do that you actually dont want to either. 

 

HANG in there it WILL get better  my friend  THAT i can guarantee  you  and  its  not  that far  of  either                     

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  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

As  trans person I felt terribly alone for years.  Much of that was because I was hiding from the world.  As an alcoholic people would say I was killing myself.......well da, I knew and embraced that reality.  I have been blessed in finding sobriety with others like myself.  Their support whether virtual or in person has been so helpful.  We were able to get sober together.

This site is a virtual platform for knowing others and making friends.  I have certainly made some deep friendships here and while I have been blessed to hug several members there are many who I’m close to despite distance and isolation. 
We are here for you, just as I hope you are here for us.  It may not have the fast excitement of a club but in my experience that doesn’t last much past the night. 
Remember that you are not alone!

 

Big hugs,

 

Charlize

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Sarahnr1

Just  some   spelling  corrections here  as  this time  i was WAY of  (blushing face  ) 

 

 

(  Spelling  corection ) Belive  me  i know  its  a living pain in the  .....  It has managed to put my life on hold as well JUST when i finaly began to get somewhere  ( found  a LOVELY partner and well we are on hold until things calm down over here HOPFULLY tho were able to finaly meet this spring  )   

 

I understand its hard (despite all the garbage you most likely read about Sweden we are as close to total lock down as can be right now  and we have had restrictions ever since this  started )  

 

Yeah we have that BS  over  here as well  (only its with the Astra  vaccine that have been given a bad rep based  on complete  noncence )  

 

They are working  on it tho and  as  more  adults have takend the vaccine you younger  ones  will be  shielded by those that have takend it . (spelling  corection  ) 

 

Charlize  

 

WELL written and i couldent agree with you more. Online  friend  relationships are WAY better then non. & it has most definetly helped me as well  in life .  & like you say who better then  those that actually been in the same  sitution as  youre self are better suited to help and understand  how  you feel  and  able to actually understand  and help you ?    

 

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Transgirlkatie

I don't think I can accept restrictions for another year, that's too much for me. I'm just not good enough at making friends online and zoom calls don't bring me joy. I don't want to kill myself, but it's pretty much the only way to end my pain. And then there's the fact that I won't recover financially till covid is over (I'm an it field service tech and Lyft driver), and I can't get a wfh job because I'm not good at job interviews especially over zoom

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Sarahnr1
1 hour ago, Transgirlkatie said:

I don't think I can accept restrictions for another year, that's too much for me.

 

I'm just not good enough at making friends online and zoom calls don't bring me joy.

 

I don't want to kill myself, but it's pretty much the only way to end my pain.

 

And then there's the fact that I won't recover financially till covid is over (I'm an it field service tech and Lyft driver), and I can't get a wfh job because I'm not good at job interviews especially over zoom

 

Im well aware that cali have been hit hard  and the restrictions  are  WAY tighter  then we  have over  here Katie  so i can understand   youre feelings  i would  too . BUT what i also said  was they WILL  get lighter  dear . And  Katie    you have  alredy  been thru the worst  part  its only a question of time  until  the  vaccination  and  the  situation have   improved. id  say  based  on what youre  predident  not to mention how  state  after state   are beginning to open up gradually ( The theme  parcs  seem to been granted to open up again , with restrictions  yes  but still thats   sign that   gradually as time  goes  and things  improve   the society WILL  open up my friend.

 

Would  you belive i wasent  even close  as  open and   able to meet  others  online   when i first  started  on the net  (forums  like this  and  others  )  ?   Youre WAY better then you think   my friend  all you need to gain some  self Confidents. The zoom calls  i presume is video talking  (ie   Skype etc....)  ?  Yeah i dont  do that  either   thats  not for  me . And thats OKEY  dear.

 

Katie   im diagnosed  with SEVERE Sucidal   so belive  me  i understand  you better then you might  think. And have been sucidal from i was a we girl.  And  STILL  here i am  talking to you . My life isent  worth diddley  (well before i met my partner  )  & i had  NOTHING left  to live for and all i could do was trying to make the best  of what life i got  left  on this earth  (natural way ) . And  low  and  behold  that one day this person came in to my life  and gave  me a reason to live and  gave me  the life i have searched  for  all my life  without ever finding  it.  What im trying to say here   is  DONT  GIVE UP  Katie  youre young   you have youre entire life ahead  of  you i dont  i have maybe 15  - 20 tops (us with my  diagnosis  usely leave  roughly 10 -15  years ahead  of  non  diagnosed ) & STILL  im right here  trying my best to do what i can with what life  throws at me to work with.  THATS  what you need to do as well  my young  friend.  Giving  up on life is NOT an option simple as that .  

 

Well then you have way higher  education then me hon and i can guarntee  you you WILL  get job again  with youre backround   please. (im a  Ex long haul  truck driver  ) Yes  right now  things  have  gone down  i give you that BUT   when this is  over   they will be screaming for  workers as  you  to come to work hon.  And so what if youre no good  on online  interviews  im more then shore you are   in person and as i said  this  WILL end   and  there WILL be reel  job interviews again.  Again its  youre self  confidence  thats  down & needs to get a kick in the rear my friend  im shore that  youre more then capule  in this field. 

 

The  main thing to ALWAYS keep in mind  here  is   DONT  give up on youre self  /youre life  Katie . You HAVE to keep fighting  towards  youre goals   in life  (it wont  be easy   it will take a lot  work from youre part  BUT  you CAN do this Katie  of this i have  0 doght.                                                                  

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Delcina B

Hugs for you Katie! I'm not in your shoes, but we're all wearing the 6 inch heels called COVID. It's depressing sometimes to keep up the safety measures. I used to deal with depression differently than now. These days when I catch myself feeling down I look around at my family or online & see if there's someone I can help out. Even if it's in some small way, it might just make their day better. I definitely feel better when I don't focus on me & my troubles.

 

Another hug,

Delcina

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VickySGV
1 hour ago, Delcina B said:

I catch myself feeling down I look around at my family or online & see if there's someone I can help out. Even if it's in some small way, it might just make their day better. I definitely feel better when I don't focus on me & my troubles.

 

@Transgirlkatie  This is the most excellent take on life for any of us in these times.  Look out and see what you can do for OTHERS, it is a big step and scary at first, but it does so much for our own outlook on life.

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Sarahnr1

Katie  this is translated from our media and its something you should read  thurley and understand  what is said .

 

Quote

The United States can reach herd immunity by the summer, only through vaccinations, according to a new analysis from CNN.

 

President Joe Biden says the country expects to have vaccinated all adults who want it by the end of May.

 

In the analysis, CCN writes that flock immunity can be achieved this summer if they continue to vaccinate at the same rate as now, 2 million doses per day.

 

What this says is  the same i told you from the beginning there  IS a LIGHT in this tunnel my friend.   

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Transgirlkatie

Today I tried to go to a meetup group, and no one showed up. Right now my social problems are simply unfixable, I didn't do a good enough of a job making friends before covid, and now there's 0 opportunity to make new ones. I dont even think people will be willing to do stuff in person after covid because we now know everything can be done online. And then my money issues are also largely unfixable due to me needing cuddle therapy till covid ends and when I have good roommates and lots of friends to hang out with, and also not having any big IT projects because no one wants to start a new business anymore, and I have to do 2-3 2 hour jobs a day which involves a lot of driving, which in turn causes me to have too spend a lot on gas. I dont think my suicidal thoughts will ever go away

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  • Forum Moderator
tracy_j

Covid is restricting things at the moment but it will change. Over the years there have been many periods of isolation due to disease but this is really one of the first in the digital age. There will always be people who prefer the human touch though. That is being human. A point to remember!

 

Tracy

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Sarahnr1
1 hour ago, Transgirlkatie said:

Today I tried to go to a meetup group, and no one showed up. Right now my social problems are simply unfixable, I didn't do a good enough of a job making friends before covid, and now there's 0 opportunity to make new ones.

 

I dont even think people will be willing to do stuff in person after covid because we now know everything can be done online.

 

And then my money issues are also largely unfixable due to me needing cuddle therapy till covid ends and when I have good roommates and lots of friends to hang out with, and also not having any big IT projects because no one wants to start a new business anymore, and I have to do 2-3 2 hour jobs a day which involves a lot of driving, which in turn causes me to have too spend a lot on gas.

 

I dont think my suicidal thoughts will ever go away

 

Katie  as we are in this  pandemic  im not that surprised  noone  showed  up on the  physical meeting  dear. that  dont  got  nothing  with you hon.  OF COURSE you will get new  friends but  you need to try to have some  patience.   

 

True  much will most likely change  after this  mess BUT TRUST me when i say  that when this  is  over people WILL start to again see eatchoder and all the rest.  

 

I`l admit  that sounds rough   but  sadly  thats the situation for  people  both all over  USA   as well as  the globe   but  even that WILL change  . you just have to   do the best  you can   to get thru this  Katie  

 

OF COURSE the suicide thoughts will fade  Katie TRUST me on this. you need to try to find   a way to focus  on what the  future  will bring  WHEN this is  over and live on that  and  live  for that  Katie. yes  as of now   things  are a  mess  BUT   when this  is  done    you need to be ready   and  hit the ground  running  my friend.                 

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Transgirlkatie

Huh, I don't think things will get any better this year. People are still going too be too traumatized to socialize with strangers. And even then there's gonna be something worse than will happen in 10 years. Look at the pattern in the 21st century. In 2001 there was 9/11, then in 2008 there was the 2008 crash which ruined millions financially, and then there was the 2020 coronavirus pandemic. Even if things do get better in the summer, there's just gonna be something worse that will happen next, and the world could be destroyed by climate change by then.

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Sarahnr1
1 hour ago, Transgirlkatie said:

Huh, I don't think things will get any better this year. People are still going too be too traumatized to socialize with strangers.

 

And even then there's gonna be something worse than will happen in 10 years. Look at the pattern in the 21st century. In 2001 there was 9/11, then in 2008 there was the 2008 crash which ruined millions financially, and then there was the 2020 coronavirus pandemic. Even if things do get better in the summer, there's just gonna be something worse that will happen next, and the world could be destroyed by climate change by then.

 

Mankind is  built  to socialise & live  on & adapt Katie so WHEN this  have calmed  down  people  will  try start to go back to there old  life as soon as  humanly possible.  This have been the pattern   since   WAY back in mankind  when hit by horrible  plagues or  pandemics.       

 

You cant  worry about the  possible  future Katie  we have to try our best  to do our  best  with what life  gives us to work with dear.   always worry and  imagine the worce   wont  help you. 

 

       

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Transgirlkatie

Oh yeah I've heard about that before. I don't know if it will happen this time because of the internet. Most of the people I know of think online interactions are just as good as in person ones. My mom even told me that zoom groups are just as good as in person groups. And I don't know of many people that have different opinions

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Sarahnr1
1 hour ago, Transgirlkatie said:

Oh yeah I've heard about that before. I don't know if it will happen this time because of the internet. Most of the people I know of think online interactions are just as good as in person ones. My mom even told me that zoom groups are just as good as in person groups. And I don't know of many people that have different opinions

 

 

We just have to wait  and see Katie. You in the US   have  WAY higher ods  of actually reaching  youre goal of  all that wont to have vaccin  before  mid year . As we in EU  seems to as usual  be the  lap dogs of the globe and get left out.  (Eu is  the  soul  biggest vaccine  supplier to the  world apparently .)   We just  been hit  by yet another of OH so many previous blows that most likely makes our same goal in EU  (and Sweden ) to go poof as one of our suppliers  cant  deliver whats  alredy payed  for  and contracted  so were  most likely to have this ............. A while longer  then you Katie. And Yes im FURIOUS  ,PISSED  of  etc.... BUT i DONT think of  killing my self  due to it Katie .  I just conclude that were still under this crap for a while  longer and try to  do the best  with the sitution. Nor do i  accept geting  in another depression run over  it. its  not  much i can do about  it   and me  going  down  or  even kill my self  wont  due anyone  any good  nor soulve  anything only makes  it  even tougher  then its  already is.                     

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Transgirlkatie

Sorry to hear about what's going on in the EU. But for me I still think suicide is the answer because then I won't have to suffer anymore. I also feel like not that many people would miss me because I don't have many social connections

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Sarahnr1
1 hour ago, Transgirlkatie said:

Sorry to hear about what's going on in the EU.

 

But for me I still think suicide is the answer because then I won't have to suffer anymore.

 

I also feel like not that many people would miss me because I don't have many social connections

 

Thank you  . Oh im shore  we will somehow soulve this so what i said was  its delayed how long  who knows  ? We still get vaccines only one of our  suppliers cant  deliver according to the contract.      

 

Belive me when i say i understand  youre  thoughts  as i have been thinking that way since i was  very young. BUT  as you see im still here  fighting against all ods  as usual.   Giving  up is  just not in my DNA   from both my parents . Belive me  ive tried  MANY MANY times   to just give up . 

 

You`d  be surprise to see  how many that would  dear.  +  All the friends  you have  both in here   as well as  other  places  in the webb .

 

And Katie let  me tell you that if you think suicide is  quick  easy and  painless  . Its NOT  i talked  to many that failed (THANK GOD )   and they all said the same thing it was the worst  experince in there entire  life, and the  physical pain was beyond what they ever fealt before. So if you fantasize  of a quick and painless death. NA  add to that the ods  of you actually die is not high at all but the  ods  of  you being  permanently damaged for life (be it  physically or  and   brain damage ( WAY worce then i have i might add  )                           

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Transgirlkatie

Suicide can definitely involve a lot of pain and there's a chance i could survive and have permanent injuries. But almost everyday I feel like its the only solution, I spoke to some of my friends on another group and they said even after they get vaccinated and most others get the vaccine they still wont be meeting up with strangers. And pretty much everyone I know of has the same mentality. Most of my friends aren't affected at all by having to do everything via zoom, and I'm the only person that isn't good at doing zoom meetings. It's too late for me too make new friends now or get a girlfriend

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Sarahnr1
2 hours ago, Transgirlkatie said:

Suicide can definitely involve a lot of pain and there's a chance i could survive and have permanent injuries. But almost everyday I feel like its the only solution,

 

I spoke to some of my friends on another group and they said even after they get vaccinated and most others get the vaccine they still wont be meeting up with strangers. And pretty much everyone I know of has the same mentality. Most of my friends aren't affected at all by having to do everything via zoom, and I'm the only person that isn't good at doing zoom meetings. It's too late for me too make new friends now or get a girlfriend

 

Youre right there so thats NOT  an option here  my young  friend.

 

If  memory serves me right youre YOUNG  as should  youre friends be  SO  i can almost  guarntee  you thats just  talk from there side . Its  good that they will be cautious  even after the shots  as we all should be , we HAVE to  relearn and change some things ,BUT  not  seeing youre  boddies  etc...   NA . I doght  US youth is  difrent then EU youth  or  older  for that matter and  we ALL  cant wait to get back to some kind of normal like life.  Hon  its NEVER  to late  (im over  40 +  and i have been a lone wolf ALL  my life (due to my diagnosis  i had to become  one  so NOT volontary ) & wa  alredy acepting my fate  of  living the rest  of my life  ALL alone  until i get to leave this earth  and low and  behold i have  found  my  partner  ON LINE  (gasp )  And  Katie we havent  YET even heard  our  own voices  just  talked  ALOT online via  mail  and waiting to be able to meet eatchoder. (hopfully late spring  or early summer )  So TRUST me when i say its NEVER  to late to either  found  friends  or  youre  partner  my friend.               

 

  

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