I love my trans wife

[Flowers]

Hi there. I have a really hard time talking so this seems huge to me. I want to be intimate with my transitioning wife and have sex but I am so awkward at initiating anything. My trans wife feels like I don't like having sex with her but It's not that. It's that I've never been the one to initiate sex, and I'm bad at it and self conscious. She used to initiate it more and I'm experiencing performance anxiety where I never used to experience that because I was never initiating or taking the lead.  I want to express how much I love but I keep end up making her feel bad with my awkwardness and I get more and more self conscious about sex. If you have any advice or similar feelings please feel free to respond:)

[VickySGV]

We will need to keep our answers here on the discreet side due to the rule about our under 18 members, but I think we can do that.

 

@Flowers how do you feel about initiating Cuddling?  Not sex up front, just cuddling and being there in mind tune with your wife?  Her body if she is on hormones is going to be becoming more like yours has been and I bet that just the Cuddling was a big help for you.  It is a way to invite EACH OTHER into a part of your life where total body intimacy flows into things. HRT is going to be taking her from the realm of FAST sex to a more female progression to your BIG moment, and it will be the two of you, not just one of you. 

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Flowers and welcome to TransPulse!

 

I'm actually in a similar position to your spouse. While my wife loves me very much, she's still getting used to the idea that I don't want to be the person initiating all the time. Sometimes I just want to have my partner make my toes curl, y'know?

 

So, first off... communication. Straight up ask what she wants from you in the bedroom. If there's something that you'd like too, now is a good time to bring it up. You don't need a script or a step-by-step guide, just a couple of things that would make her feel good.

While you're at it, tell her how you feel. Be open and honest about your insecurities and ask if she'll help you learn what to do. 

 

Second, accept that it's going to be awkward. Think back to your first time. Were you the best lover ever? Of course you weren't. It's like any other skill: You need to practice. Fortunately, practice is fun!

You might also encourage her to be more vocal about what she's enjoying during the act. I know I have trouble with this one. I have a problem with concentrating too hard on my partner to pay attention to what's going on over on MY side of the bed. Which is unfortunate, because if I'm not in the right headspace, nothing is going to happen for me anyway.

 

So, on the subject of headspace. Make sure you're in the mood. I have no earthly idea what you're into, but our foreplay can go on for a while. Take your time with each other. Ease into things and get in synch with each other's bodies. Don't rush and take things as they come. Like my spouse used to remind me when we were younger, "It's not a race." You don't have to jump right into the main act. Tease each other a little (or, you know, a lot).

 

Heh, @VickySGV just said pretty much the same thing I did, just with less words. 

 

I also wanted to say good on you for supporting your trans wife and trying to be the best spouse you can be. Welcome to the site. We're glad you're here.

 

Hugs!

[AwesomeClaire]

Sex can be complicated. Are you sure you are bad at initiating or do you just think that? Have you tried and it led to bad sex or rejection? You can show your love in a lot of ways, it doesn't take much, you can say sweet things to her throughout the day and then later on you can cuddle and watch a show or movie, then just take her in your arms and start kissing her and feeling her and then you're good.

If that won't work for you, then you really just need to talk to her about it, you can say that you are wondering why she doesn't initiate anymore, because you really liked that. There might be some role/expectation change that you two need to work out.