introduction

[Stefi]

hi

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Stefi! Welcome to Transpulse!

 

Please let us get to know you a little more when you're ready. No pressure. In the meantime, enjoy the site, post and ask questions as the mood strikes you. We're here to help!

 

Hugs!

 

[Stefi]

My new name is Stefi. I am a 62 year old Male at birth,Female inside, Married for 32 years. I am the father of 4 and have 2 Grand Children. I Love my wife more than anything and can not lose her. I came out to her 5 months ago and it has been tough going. The only others who know are my Endo Doctor and my new Therapist. I am ready to proceed with Transition but I am afraid I will lose my wife. Can anyone out there help me.

[Jackie C.]

Well, that depends on which part you need help with. For example, we can't tell your wife. ?

 

We can give you lots of advice though. You sound like you're off to a good start. You've got your therapist and an endo lined up, ready to start taking whatever they prescribe. It sounds like you're looking for advice on how to let your family know?

 

My method was terrible, but maybe you can learn from my mistakes. My therapist had suggested that I come out slowly. Maybe start with the idea that I enjoyed cross-dressing in a sexual way.

I did not do that. I jumped in with both feet and a rebel yell. It was killing me not to tell my spouse about what I was feeling so I straight-up sat on the bed and opened with a joke. Don't do that. It went over like a paralyzed falcon.

I went on to explain the situation as best I could and waited for her response. It probably wasn't more than a couple of minutes, but it felt like a hundred years. At the end, she said that she accepted me and loved me no matter what. There were a couple of conditions at first, like, "I'm not ready to see you dressed as a woman." I followed that up with, "OK, then can you call me when you're on your way home so I can change?" So yeah, give and take.

Spoilers: She got used to the idea, asked lots of questions and has been a staunch supporter ever since. We're intimate, our relationship is stronger than ever, etc... Statistics say you have about a 50/50 shot.

 

I got lucky. See if you can spot the problem.

 

I had no plan B. If she responded poorly, I don't know where I would have been sleeping that night, let alone now. You should have a plan in place just in case things go sour. You don't want to find yourself suddenly homeless.

 

So yeah, this could go very, very badly. You have to ask yourself though, "Assuming this goes badly, would I be worse off than I am now?" I ask that with the knowledge that I was within a year of ending myself when I finally came out. I was miserable and waiting to die. My suicidal ideation was near constant. I thought about death's sweet release on the daily. I had plans.

The point being that for me it was literally come out or die. I may have inadvertently saved my marriage (do not underestimate how awful I was or how much I hated myself, it was well into raging inferno). That's me though, we're all different and I don't know your spouse or your relationship. Whatever you decide though, I wish you the best.

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Stefi said:

I am ready to proceed with Transition but I am afraid I will lose my wife. Can anyone out there help me.

Hey there Stefi, welcome to TransPulseForums.

 

@Jackie C.is a word master here, and covered this with good advice. I'm 64 ASMB, married 45 years to the same woman no breaks in service. My coming out to her was like Elon Musk's latest rocket test. EXPLOSIVE! There are more than several people here in your situation, so you're not alone and we're here to listen to your venting and hopefully being good sounding boards for your questions. My relationship since coming out has been a real roller-coaster ride with some very deep lows and hard turns out of nowhere. We're able to have real conversations about our situation and moving forward into retirement together. Please be patient with your family as you transition, because they're having to transition with you, and have more questions than you can answer in one or two sittings. When my Suzie asks me a question that I don't know the answer to, I remind her that's why I'm in therapy. I need help with those same questions.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???  

[Astrid]

2 hours ago, Stefi said:

The only others who know are my Endo Doctor and my new Therapist.

 

The more you're able to work through this as a couple, the better.  That means keeping the lines of communication open with your spouse -- what's on your mind, what's on her mind, how each of you feel now vs. before you came out, etc. 

 

Consider doing therapy jointly -- if not at the start or soon thereafter, then at some point.  It was extremely helpful for me and my spouse to work with an experienced gender therapist together.

 

Best wishes on your journey.  We're here to support each other!

 

Astrid

[Ivy]

Welcome Stefi.

[Stefi]

Thanks to all who responded. I saw my Therapist this morning. I feel better. I told her my new name and she will be calling me by this name now. I know I have a long way to go in my relationship with my wife, and I am glad I have you guys for suport.

 

Thanks

Stefi

[Delcina B]

Welcome Stephi! I have yet to talk with my wife (I hope talk will be the prevalent verb), so no advice here other than you've found a great forum full of love & support, hope you find it helpful.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Confused1]

Hi Stephi,

You've already had some great advice, so I won't add to it, other than to agree with Mindy. My marriage was a roller-coaster ride for awhile as well. After about a year it is as good as it ever was. Everyone is different and YMMV.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Lexi C]

Hey Stefi You have come to the right place. You will get great advice. Congrats on being so Brave

Lexi

[Vanessa Michelle]

@StefiWelcome to the group fellow Illinoisan! ❤️

[Elizabeth Star]

Hi @Stefi. Another person from Illinois.❤️