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Susan R

@Pumela

 

This is a very difficult situation indeed. I would prioritize your actions with what will best keep your trans daughter safe. So obviously whatever your next decision, her life or the possibly of her harming herself has to take the top priority.

 

I can relate on some level as to the fear your 12 year old has in regards to coming out to you. I had a similar experience and relationship with my parents and my parents and I decided denial and suppression was the only way we could deal with the situation. It was not a good situation but that’s how it was back then 45 years ago.

 

You have many more resources widely available to you thanks to modern technology (the web) and slightly more acceptance in our society than years past. You do have someone that Shannon trusts enough to discuss this topic with and that’s where I would start. You can’t force her to come out to you. Would it be possible for your older daughter Chloe attend a counselor/gender therapist with you there. Have a discussion about ways she can open up a discussion with Shannon. She may be the bridge between you and Shannon. She may be able to being a catalyst for her to somehow come out in time.

 

It seems like Shannon really loves how you (and your partner?) treat her and is deathly afraid of you thinking less of her. Society indoctrinates many, if not most, males early on into thinking they will be thought of as weak or less than if they show any femininity. I can’t say whether Shannon’s depression will diminish once she comes out to you but I think it is part of the issue. Not attending school and the problems associated with covid restrictions on socialization likely also plays a part in her depression. If it becomes a case where she is so depressed that you worry for her safety and health then I would likely disregard her counselor’s idea to keep it private and confront the issue head on in the most loving way you can. I would keep it private between you and Shannon so not to bring undue stress on her. I would talk to a therapist before this ‘talk’ if you are unsure on your approach but it is something you may end up considering if it gets any more serious. Once Shannon knows that you accept and affirm her, I think you’ll see some positive changes in her demeanor.

 

I wish I could offer more. I hope it works out for you and Shannon. I hope others here share their ideas too.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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VickySGV

I too have Major Depression Disorder that comes up often enough to be a real bearcat, and in those times i just want to be left alone.  Coming out is a very stressful private thing, and crowding your child with a coming out in any way adds to the stress where it could put your child in worse danger. I will not assign a pronoun to your child without the child's permission although the message to you is to use the natal He/Him from what you say. The basic care can be done without introducing the issue of gender.  The cross gender request to your older daughter could have any number of meanings and while something to be taken into account, it should first be YOU getting counseling on helping your child with their primary issue which is the Depression because parenting children with those issues is a real burden that I too have had to deal with as well.  Gender Dysphoria if that is what it is will last a lifetime and when the depression is lifted is going to be there.  It is after all your child's life.  If the child's current mental state will not support transitioning give your child the credit for knowing themselves and what they can take day by day.  

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Betty K

Hi Pumela, nice to have you here. I agree with Vicky as regards the pronouns: I don’t know that it’s necessary at this early stage to tie yourself in knots trying not to misgender Logan/Shannon when s/he has not yet requested any pronoun from you. Of course you’re only trying to be respectful, and that is very admirable, but I suspect it may confuse things more than is necessary right now.

 

Beyond that I can only second what Susan and Vicky have said, being far less advanced in my journey than either of them. Society does indoctrinate young men and it is incredibly hard to broach these issues. From that perspective, I think it is cause for hope that your child is discussing them with anyone at all — many of us at TransPulse could not open up about our gender identities until far later in our lives. 

 

I wish you you all the best. Sometimes just discussing things helps. Maybe there is more you’d like to say about your hopes or fears for your child should s/he turn out to be transgender? Does this come as a surprise or had you guessed to an extent? 

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Thanks for the replay. Hopes and dreams. I just want him to be happy and feel loved. It’s ripping me apart seeing him like this. He is so angry dosen’t want to talk to his counseler anymore and is sick of all the dr calls. 

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21 hours ago, Susan R said:

@Pumela

 

This is a very difficult situation indeed. I would prioritize your actions with what will best keep your trans daughter safe. So obviously whatever your next decision, her life or the possibly of her harming herself has to take the top priority.

 

I can relate on some level as to the fear your 12 year old has in regards to coming out to you. I had a similar experience and relationship with my parents and my parents and I decided denial and suppression was the only way we could deal with the situation. It was not a good situation but that’s how it was back then 45 years ago.

 

You have many more resources widely available to you thanks to modern technology (the web) and slightly more acceptance in our society than years past. You do have someone that Shannon trusts enough to discuss this topic with and that’s where I would start. You can’t force her to come out to you. Would it be possible for your older daughter Chloe attend a counselor/gender therapist with you there. Have a discussion about ways she can open up a discussion with Shannon. She may be the bridge between you and Shannon. She may be able to being a catalyst for her to somehow come out in time.

 

It seems like Shannon really loves how you (and your partner?) treat her and is deathly afraid of you thinking less of her. Society indoctrinates many, if not most, males early on into thinking they will be thought of as weak or less than if they show any femininity. I can’t say whether Shannon’s depression will diminish once she comes out to you but I think it is part of the issue. Not attending school and the problems associated with covid restrictions on socialization likely also plays a part in her depression. If it becomes a case where she is so depressed that you worry for her safety and health then I would likely disregard her counselor’s idea to keep it private and confront the issue head on in the most loving way you can. I would keep it private between you and Shannon so not to bring undue stress on her. I would talk to a therapist before this ‘talk’ if you are unsure on your approach but it is something you may end up considering if it gets any more serious. Once Shannon knows that you accept and affirm her, I think you’ll see some positive changes in her demeanor.

 

I wish I could offer more. I hope it works out for you and Shannon. I hope others here share their ideas too.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

Hi Susan, 

 

thank you so much for you kind words. My older daughter recently helped Shannon do her makeup and dressed her up in some of her cloths and they took pictures. She tried to get her to come show me but maybe in time and with her support. 
I will take your advise and see if Chloe will talk with a councillor with me and try and give her some support. 
Shannon has always been.... I don’t know how to describe it.... down and out? Chloe showed me a pic of her with her makeup and she was just beaming. I have never seen him like. 
Thanks 

Pumela

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Betty K
16 hours ago, Pumela said:

He is so angry dosen’t want to talk to his counseler anymore and is sick of all the dr calls. 

 

Now this is something I recognise. My stepson behaved much the same way when my wife took him to counselling in his early teens -- he really resented the idea that there was something wrong with him, I think.

 

12 hours ago, Pumela said:

Chloe showed me a pic of her with her makeup and she was just beaming. I have never seen him like. 

 

That is so touching. And surely if Shannon is letting Chloe take pictures then a wider coming-out can't be too far off.

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