Learning to love myself more each day

[Harlyqynn]

Hello, I am unsure where to start really, I guess I want to say out loud to the world that I am proud to be bisexual and finally open up that I am genderfluid. It has taken me a couple of decades to finally be able understand my gender, I feel like the world had finally given me a word that defines how I have felt for a long time. It was strange growing up, having feeling and thoughts without a label to make sense of myself or anyone to talk to about it. Some people consider the lack of a label a positive thing which I understand in many ways but it has been so hard to put into words to describe myself. I never understood why one day I would like my body as I was born (female) to then find I wanted nothing more than to be the total opposite. I was like two different people growing up, fluctuating from being happy as I represent one way to the complete opposite where I felt empty and a fraud, never opening up to one side of myself. I buried so many feelings and would make myself numb on the days where I felt 'wrong'.

My sexuality on the other hand was something I came to terms with quite early on and although I never shouted it out, I was not ashamed privately of it from being a late teen. I confess even now, I am more nervous about telling my family and friends about being genderfluid as the world is still learning about it. I have finally admitted to myself who I am which has brought me so much relief and happiness. I feel like I am learning my life again, it's a wonderful taste of freedom. It is very early stages, I still fear being laughed at or told I am 'confused'. I have suffered with depression and bad mental healthe over the years- my greatest fear is having my past illnesses used against me when I try to explain who I am as a person. I truly believe my sadness in the past was partly due to the suppression and lies I carried for so long.

After years of heartache, numbness, confusion, secrecy, traumas and insecurities I am emerging as a beautiful person. I understand so much more and I am able represent my true self. I would love to chat with others that understand, this is my first time of opening up to the wider world and I fear strangers less than those close to me. So far I have only told 2 people about being genderfluid; my partner and one friend. They were incredibly supportive. Love to them both XXX 

 

 

 

[Susan R]

8 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

I never understood why one day I would like my body as I was born (female) to then find I wanted nothing more than to be the total opposite. I was like two different people growing up

Welcome @Harlyqynn. It’s nice to have you with us. Most of us here have asked ourselves one or more of these questions of identity and/or sexual orientation since puberty and even earlier. It can take years to finally trust your own diagnosis enough to actively do anything about it. This describes me all too well.

 

I had two labels to work with (TS or TV) early in my youth (35 years ago). There just weren’t many back then so the labels didn’t do well to describe those within our community at all.  Even though labels have changed and many have been added over the years...it takes time to process and understand just who we are as individuals.

 

Labels aren’t as important to me as they once were but it does give me a sense that there are others out there like myself and that’s comforting. It may even help us to accept ourselves knowing that our identity is real and valid. If you were like me growing up, you may have thought you were alone in your identity especially without that label describing youself. Understanding that this isn’t the case any longer, helps us bridge that gap between knowing we are different from most but similar to some others out there.

 

You’ve come to a safe place to talk and share with others about these kind of topics and many of your upcoming adventures. I hope to read more about what you and your journey as you march forward on your path. I wish you the very best.

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[Gabriel]

Hi @Harlyqynn and welcome

It's beautiful to read the self acceptance and the relief that comes out of your words. Congratulations for your journey, I know it is even harder when things are not black and white.

I'm the same in thinking that labels actually don't matter, and yet they are so powerful and bring such a relief when you can name your truth. It was the same for me, it took me a while to find the words "gendernonconforming trans man" (pretty much a conundrum, but here we are), but the freedom I felt when I found them was profoundly liberating.

 

Looking forward to "seeing" you around

[DeeDee]

Hi Harlyqyn, pleased to meet you. 

14 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

I still fear being laughed at or told I am 'confused'

I think all of us fight these feelings if we are honest, I am still really early on in my own journey but I do know that we cannot let the fear paralyse us. Just take your time and know that with the support that you already have you will get to where you want to be  

[KayC]

Hi @Harlyqynn!  nice to meet you and Welcome!

16 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

After years of heartache, numbness, confusion, secrecy, traumas and insecurities I am emerging as a beautiful person. I understand so much more and I am able represent my true self.

This is such a wonderful place to be and I agree with @Gabriel about the importance and liberation of Self-acceptance.  It took me SOOO many years to reach that point, and while that alone does not necessarily solve all our problems, it takes the huge burden we carry with us of our backs.

I am sure you are going to find this a wonderful place and community to continue that journey❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[SheenaT]

17 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

Hello, I am unsure where to start really, I guess I want to say out loud to the world that I am proud to be bisexual and finally open up that I am genderfluid. It has taken me a couple of decades to finally be able understand my gender, I feel like the world had finally given me a word that defines how I have felt for a long time. It was strange growing up, having feeling and thoughts without a label to make sense of myself or anyone to talk to about it. Some people consider the lack of a label a positive thing which I understand in many ways but it has been so hard to put into words to describe myself. I never understood why one day I would like my body as I was born (female) to then find I wanted nothing more than to be the total opposite. I was like two different people growing up, fluctuating from being happy as I represent one way to the complete opposite where I felt empty and a fraud, never opening up to one side of myself. I buried so many feelings and would make myself numb on the days where I felt 'wrong'.

My sexuality on the other hand was something I came to terms with quite early on and although I never shouted it out, I was not ashamed privately of it from being a late teen. I confess even now, I am more nervous about telling my family and friends about being genderfluid as the world is still learning about it. I have finally admitted to myself who I am which has brought me so much relief and happiness. I feel like I am learning my life again, it's a wonderful taste of freedom. It is very early stages, I still fear being laughed at or told I am 'confused'. I have suffered with depression and bad mental healthe over the years- my greatest fear is having my past illnesses used against me when I try to explain who I am as a person. I truly believe my sadness in the past was partly due to the suppression and lies I carried for so long.

After years of heartache, numbness, confusion, secrecy, traumas and insecurities I am emerging as a beautiful person. I understand so much more and I am able represent my true self. I would love to chat with others that understand, this is my first time of opening up to the wider world and I fear strangers less than those close to me. So far I have only told 2 people about being genderfluid; my partner and one friend. They were incredibly supportive. Love to them both XXX 

 

 

 

Welcome. We all need supportive friends 

[Betty K]

18 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

After years of heartache, numbness, confusion, secrecy, traumas and insecurities I am emerging as a beautiful person.

 

So great! I feel that way too on my good days. It’s lovely to meet you @Harlyqynn and I really relate to your wanting to represent differently on different days. For many years I’ve felt that if only I could be a woman on the weekends I’d be happy to be a man in between. I’m bisexual too btw, and proud of it: it’s really opened my mind to discover that about myself (unlike you I didn’t realise till late). 

[Ivy]

Welcome Harlyqynn

[Heather Shay]

@Harlyqynn - like I mentioned in my welcome to TP personal message - there are a lot of WONDERFUL and AMAZING ladies here. Above it proof. So smile among friends.

Hugs