Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Learning to love myself more each day


Harlyqynn

Recommended Posts

Hello, I am unsure where to start really, I guess I want to say out loud to the world that I am proud to be bisexual and finally open up that I am genderfluid. It has taken me a couple of decades to finally be able understand my gender, I feel like the world had finally given me a word that defines how I have felt for a long time. It was strange growing up, having feeling and thoughts without a label to make sense of myself or anyone to talk to about it. Some people consider the lack of a label a positive thing which I understand in many ways but it has been so hard to put into words to describe myself. I never understood why one day I would like my body as I was born (female) to then find I wanted nothing more than to be the total opposite. I was like two different people growing up, fluctuating from being happy as I represent one way to the complete opposite where I felt empty and a fraud, never opening up to one side of myself. I buried so many feelings and would make myself numb on the days where I felt 'wrong'.

My sexuality on the other hand was something I came to terms with quite early on and although I never shouted it out, I was not ashamed privately of it from being a late teen. I confess even now, I am more nervous about telling my family and friends about being genderfluid as the world is still learning about it. I have finally admitted to myself who I am which has brought me so much relief and happiness. I feel like I am learning my life again, it's a wonderful taste of freedom. It is very early stages, I still fear being laughed at or told I am 'confused'. I have suffered with depression and bad mental healthe over the years- my greatest fear is having my past illnesses used against me when I try to explain who I am as a person. I truly believe my sadness in the past was partly due to the suppression and lies I carried for so long.

After years of heartache, numbness, confusion, secrecy, traumas and insecurities I am emerging as a beautiful person. I understand so much more and I am able represent my true self. I would love to chat with others that understand, this is my first time of opening up to the wider world and I fear strangers less than those close to me. So far I have only told 2 people about being genderfluid; my partner and one friend. They were incredibly supportive. Love to them both XXX 

 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
8 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

I never understood why one day I would like my body as I was born (female) to then find I wanted nothing more than to be the total opposite. I was like two different people growing up

Welcome @Harlyqynn. It’s nice to have you with us. Most of us here have asked ourselves one or more of these questions of identity and/or sexual orientation since puberty and even earlier. It can take years to finally trust your own diagnosis enough to actively do anything about it. This describes me all too well.

 

I had two labels to work with (TS or TV) early in my youth (35 years ago). There just weren’t many back then so the labels didn’t do well to describe those within our community at all.  Even though labels have changed and many have been added over the years...it takes time to process and understand just who we are as individuals.

 

Labels aren’t as important to me as they once were but it does give me a sense that there are others out there like myself and that’s comforting. It may even help us to accept ourselves knowing that our identity is real and valid. If you were like me growing up, you may have thought you were alone in your identity especially without that label describing youself. Understanding that this isn’t the case any longer, helps us bridge that gap between knowing we are different from most but similar to some others out there.

 

You’ve come to a safe place to talk and share with others about these kind of topics and many of your upcoming adventures. I hope to read more about what you and your journey as you march forward on your path. I wish you the very best.


Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

Link to comment

Hi @Harlyqynn and welcome

It's beautiful to read the self acceptance and the relief that comes out of your words. Congratulations for your journey, I know it is even harder when things are not black and white.

I'm the same in thinking that labels actually don't matter, and yet they are so powerful and bring such a relief when you can name your truth. It was the same for me, it took me a while to find the words "gendernonconforming trans man" (pretty much a conundrum, but here we are), but the freedom I felt when I found them was profoundly liberating.

 

Looking forward to "seeing" you around

Link to comment

Hi Harlyqyn, pleased to meet you. 

14 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

I still fear being laughed at or told I am 'confused'

I think all of us fight these feelings if we are honest, I am still really early on in my own journey but I do know that we cannot let the fear paralyse us. Just take your time and know that with the support that you already have you will get to where you want to be :) 

Link to comment

Hi @Harlyqynn!  nice to meet you and Welcome!

16 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

After years of heartache, numbness, confusion, secrecy, traumas and insecurities I am emerging as a beautiful person. I understand so much more and I am able represent my true self.

This is such a wonderful place to be and I agree with @Gabriel about the importance and liberation of Self-acceptance.  It took me SOOO many years to reach that point, and while that alone does not necessarily solve all our problems, it takes the huge burden we carry with us of our backs.

I am sure you are going to find this a wonderful place and community to continue that journey❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Link to comment
17 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

Hello, I am unsure where to start really, I guess I want to say out loud to the world that I am proud to be bisexual and finally open up that I am genderfluid. It has taken me a couple of decades to finally be able understand my gender, I feel like the world had finally given me a word that defines how I have felt for a long time. It was strange growing up, having feeling and thoughts without a label to make sense of myself or anyone to talk to about it. Some people consider the lack of a label a positive thing which I understand in many ways but it has been so hard to put into words to describe myself. I never understood why one day I would like my body as I was born (female) to then find I wanted nothing more than to be the total opposite. I was like two different people growing up, fluctuating from being happy as I represent one way to the complete opposite where I felt empty and a fraud, never opening up to one side of myself. I buried so many feelings and would make myself numb on the days where I felt 'wrong'.

My sexuality on the other hand was something I came to terms with quite early on and although I never shouted it out, I was not ashamed privately of it from being a late teen. I confess even now, I am more nervous about telling my family and friends about being genderfluid as the world is still learning about it. I have finally admitted to myself who I am which has brought me so much relief and happiness. I feel like I am learning my life again, it's a wonderful taste of freedom. It is very early stages, I still fear being laughed at or told I am 'confused'. I have suffered with depression and bad mental healthe over the years- my greatest fear is having my past illnesses used against me when I try to explain who I am as a person. I truly believe my sadness in the past was partly due to the suppression and lies I carried for so long.

After years of heartache, numbness, confusion, secrecy, traumas and insecurities I am emerging as a beautiful person. I understand so much more and I am able represent my true self. I would love to chat with others that understand, this is my first time of opening up to the wider world and I fear strangers less than those close to me. So far I have only told 2 people about being genderfluid; my partner and one friend. They were incredibly supportive. Love to them both XXX 

 

 

 

Welcome. We all need supportive friends 

Link to comment
18 hours ago, Harlyqynn said:

After years of heartache, numbness, confusion, secrecy, traumas and insecurities I am emerging as a beautiful person.

 

So great! I feel that way too on my good days. It’s lovely to meet you @Harlyqynn and I really relate to your wanting to represent differently on different days. For many years I’ve felt that if only I could be a woman on the weekends I’d be happy to be a man in between. I’m bisexual too btw, and proud of it: it’s really opened my mind to discover that about myself (unlike you I didn’t realise till late). 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Harlyqynn - like I mentioned in my welcome to TP personal message - there are a lot of WONDERFUL and AMAZING ladies here. Above it proof. So smile among friends.

Hugs

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 116 Guests (See full list)

    • Susan R
    • EasyE
    • SamC
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Willow
      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...