What stopped you from Transitioning sooner?

[KymmieL]

On 3/9/2021 at 8:08 AM, KathyLauren said:

Denial, fueled by internalized transphobia.

 

I did the "man-up in the military" thing and the camo beard thing, got married like I was supposed to.  A textbook case.

Same with me. It finally hit about 4 years ago. With all the clues I unraveled it lead me to the conclusion that, Hey, Dumb arse you are a girl.

 

Kymmie

[Maid In Bedlam]

I can some it up easy in one word "LIFE"

 

For a more elaborate explanation read on. (It is worth it)

 

Back in the 80s. people like me were ridiculed and mocked in the main stream media and in every stand up comedians jokebook.  It was always seen as a shocking and perverted thing. Men wanting to be women?? The horror of it all. So you hide these feelings. You have a little collection of clothes that you hide from the world. I suppose the one thing i can say with a degree of confidence is i never had a purge. I knew what I was but was just in the wrong place and time to express it. Now they have it easy. You just decide and away you go. Which isnt always the best practise but that can be the way it goes.

 

I could come out with the old chestnuts. I knew from 6 years old that something wasnt quite right. Playing dress up with my mothers clothes. Playing with girls and enjoying it far more than boys games. Back then nearly all my freinds were girls. I should have known!

 

I tried once to come out to my doctor back in my teenage years.  He basically laughed at me and sent me on my way.  This was how it was then. But i was still pretty determined. But considered what i was going through as maybe a phase. Ill just keep feeling this way in secret. Dont tell anyone i was wearing clothes what was designated for the opposite gender. It was never sexual but still gave me joy to be more matching to the inner and outer being in harmony. God forbid anyone really finding out what and who i was back then. The shame of it. I can still recall I had paper cuttings and all sorts. Desperate to understand what was happening to me. Why did i feel like this? what was the meaning of my life? Why was i like this? being expected to act the man and to fix cars and be a good husband and try to keep these thoughts under control.

I did meet a girl once. Sandy her name was and she understood I was maybe 15 years old then. This girl encouraged and even nurtured me to be who I really was. But as the saying goes. You never know what you have until its gone and in the mists of time we just drifted apart.

 

Needless to say Nothing I  did was quite right . I somehow never felt like it was me doing it when i had to do something male gender orientated. But some stranger who I knew but had to put up with for the sake of appreances.

 

It was only when i started to go to a suport group back in the late 80s in london I suppose i had a moment of relisation that it wasnt just me, I wasnt alone in this world. You could read all the paper cuttings in the world but to actually meet others was something very diffrent.  Of course it took me another 30 years to relise that the fact that my inner gender was not the same as my outer one portrayed and acted out by me. It was an act. Its very hard to come to terms with yourself.

 

So after children and a failed marriage I had the chance to do something for me. The opotunity was there for me to live my life the way i should have many years ago. So I grabbed it by the balls and didnt let go.

 

I always wonder how my life would have been diffrent if i had gone to that doctor and he hadnt have laughed or if i took the chance to break away with Sandy a long time ago and never tried to be like an actor playing a scene in a stage production. I did meet Sandy again about maybe 15 years ago. It was quite by accident. She still remembered what we use to have and smiled in the way she always use to. But as with life hers had also taken a diffrent direction. But it still stirred up memorys of better times and the moments spent with her. In the tale of life our time together was really only one page in the epic adventure book "Maid in Bedlam"

 

It was only really the fact that that my now x wife was always Gaslighting me in many ways. But she knew of my feelings regarding how i was and felt. But weaponised it. Oh no there was not any chance of her being understanding. She would always just give me enough rope to let me hang myself, Then appointment herself judge jury and executioner. Giving the impression she was all pretty for it and understood it. Even to the point of buying me little things. A skirt here. A dress there. Even underwear sometimes. The relationship was toxic. I tried to make it work but in reality it was doomed for the outset. I wasted the best part of my life trying to make that work. I should have known it was complete folly.

 

Partially with some vengence in mind I had to go to see her for one reason or another. By then I was full time. Oh the pleasure I got from that. I got the impression she was actually so jealous because I, In reality looked and made a better woman than she could ever be. Ok so she had lived the expreiances of woman hood but I had the looks and through years of undercover expreiance had the graciousness. Ok so it may sound really shallow but I enjoyed the fact that I had come out so much better for not not being with her anymore and the fact she could no longer control my existance anymore.

 

My one regret is I wish i had met my now partner back in the 80s in reality. Things would have been so very diffrent. ok so then perhaps we would have been seen as a gay couple. But who would have known or cared. He helped me greatly and i have so much to thank him for.  Could I have done it alone? I think i could but having his surport made me blossom. After all the time I have been with him. To the world we are just a normal couple. Husband and wife even. No one knows my past and no one needs to know. To the wrold im just the woman next door. Which was always my ultimate goal. Just to blend in and be one in society.

 

This is why i never trasitioned earlier. In reality my first statement was correct "Life" got in the way.

 

For all you doubting Thomas out there  "See I can sometimes do serious posts" and i have said to much. This isnt why you came here. But I feel better for it.

[Heather Shay]

@Maid In Bedlam I read your whole story and learned a lot about you and really am proud you could be serious for this topic because it means a lot to me and I'm sure all your other friends and supporters here at TP. 

 

Some things are similar to my case but the journey you are on is uniquely your own and I'm happy you were finally able to be the true you and through all the pain and suffering - you are healing and hopefully smiling at the good things ahead of you.