Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

The last person to come out to. Should I?


LusciousTheLock

Recommended Posts

So, I've lived as Tamsyn for over a year now and officially changed my name on Feb 18th.   I have one last person to tell, but should I?

 

My Dad is the reason I didn't come out for years. I was a feminine child and he would pay other children in the local area to beat the crap out of me, to "Toughen me up" God bless the early 80's! He wasn't the cause of my child abuse, but he didn't help, and I did feel abandoned by him.  Anyway, we didn't talk for years although I respected him and let him live his life. He's a very clever man and pretty successful, and someone to look up to. A real man of the community, not that that has ever made any difference to me. He had married a woman forty years his junior and had another two children (he has 7 from three marriages). We rekindled our relationship when I was about to marry my wife. I was asked some security questions by our local registry office, and so had to track down my Dad for answers. When I knocked on his front door, I introduced him to my future wife and his six month old grand daughter. His first words were literally "-don't dodge the filter- me! I thought you were queer!" I was instantly invited into his home to be part of his new family since I was obviously straight and he was even invited to my wedding.

 

My Dad would be described as an Alpha male. A real man. But he's also homophobic, transphobic, racist, bigoted and opinionated. But as a friend I actually kinda like him?  As a parent he's bloody terrible. We chat a few times a year. It turned out we didn't have to talk all that often, as his wife who is only four years older than myself told him everything that went on in our lives as Facebook makes being nosey so much easier lol. So, four years ago I left Facebook for some privacy while I came to terms with being trans and took the time to decide if and when I should transition.

 

My dad is 81. He has terminal bowel cancer, but could last another three years (Only the good die young lol). Everybody knows about my transition apart from him and his wife and his two youngest children (aged 25 and 14). I kinda miss Facebook as I had many old friends on there and would love to make contact with them again as the new me, but worry because the second I stick my head above the line, this side of my family will attack... And they really are not very nice.  I'm not scared, just don't want the hassle.

 

So, should I tell him or wait until he's passed? Its bad enough chatting to him on the phone, whilst I'm wearing a dress and he's going on about the trannies and queers ruining the country. like the other night. Maybe I should tell him to spite him? Or maybe let him go with his pride intact?  If I wrote him a letter, I'm happy for him to never talk to me again. I just feel by not telling him, there is always a bit of myself closeted and living a lie?  What would you lovely people do?

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I can't tell you what you should do.  I just honestly can't.

 

But if I were in your position, I think I would write him a letter.  That would get the "what-if"s off your back, and take the final step out of the closet.  But then, you would have to be prepared for whatever falls out from that.

 

If he takes it well (unlikely, but you never know), then all is well.  If he breaks off contact, it could reduce your stress level.  Or not.  If he rants and raves, you may have to be the one to break off contact.  Is there any chance he might get violent?  That would totally change the picture.

 

Before you decide hat to do, consider the possible outcomes and how you would deal with each one.  Then, decide if it is worth telling him at all.

Link to comment

Violence is the one thing I'm not afraid of. I remember being about 15 and he was being nasty as usual and I flipped and hit him as hard as I could in the face, with all my strength and the arsehole didn't even flinch... Or react in any way. Damn. I respected him for that.

 

Now he weighs about 7st, but he still has a mouth. I suppose my biggest fear is disappointing him. I don't need him in my life or my extended family. As I have my own, but...

 

I think your right. I'm going to write a letter. If he wants to discuss he can, ignore me, he can. This last step out the closet is eating me up and I just want to be honest and myself. This isn't for him. Its for me.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, LusciousTheLock said:

This last step out the closet is eating me up and I just want to be honest and myself. This isn't for him. Its for me.

 

(For the non-Brits out there, 7 st = 98 lb.  I'm an ex-Brit.)

 

I think you are right.  This is something you need to do.  I wouldn't have been happy still keeping myself a secret in any way.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

My father has died before i came out.  Like your father mine was a "man's man".  WW11 vet and quite tough on the outside. I know he would turned his back on me as some of my older cousins did at first.  Wonderfully they have grown beautifully in acceptance.

I don't know what you should do.  It seems you may have to cut yourself off from a part of your family and that is already happening in some ways.  Maybe you should ask yourself what you and your family  might gain or loose by coming out.

If you have a therapist it would be good to talk it out.

We are here to help as we can regardless of your decision.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Well, its been nearly a month, but I finally got round to posting a six page letter through his letterbox this morning at 1am (I was on my way to a callout, it wasn't a special visit). The reason was that he wanted me to go and see him, along with the kids to a family BBQ as soon as Covid restrictions allow, since we haven't met for nearly two years now.

 

I told him some home truths and left him with the option to make contact or not. Its up to him. To celebrate this being that last bit of coming out, I started a fresh Facebook account and invited all my friends and extended family that may not have known too that with a quick explanation of where I've been for the last few years- A change of management!  Feels like I got some freedom back today :D 

Link to comment
On 3/16/2021 at 6:05 AM, LusciousTheLock said:

 I have one last person to tell, but should I?


My dad is 81 . . What would you lovely people do?

 

       I wouldn't tell him - what's the point glutton for more abuse? The problem with Facebook you can always make another separate account but, very good at connecting the "friend suggestion" dots, your new account will still come up on your mother's feed . . . It's a great way indirectly "out" oneself as others put "2 and 2" together?

Link to comment

Well, I've had a response. through his wife, anyway. He admitted things could have been better. Should have been better and admits that he doesn't "Get it". Strangely he see's me more as a friend, than a member of the family. Claims I've always been so independent, he didn't need to worry about me???

 

Still wants to meet up in a couple of weeks and see the new me.  I guess that's good.   Or, he's building a bear trap for me. Either way, not a single person remains I'm not out to now :)  Abuse or not, nobody can say I haven't tried.

Link to comment
5 hours ago, LusciousTheLock said:

Well, I've had a response. through his wife, anyway. He admitted things could have been better. Should have been better and admits that he doesn't "Get it". Strangely he see's me more as a friend, than a member of the family. Claims I've always been so independent, he didn't need to worry about me???

 

Still wants to meet up in a couple of weeks and see the new me.  I guess that's good.   Or, he's building a bear trap for me. Either way, not a single person remains I'm not out to now :)  Abuse or not, nobody can say I haven't tried.

While I fully understand that some of us may wish to limit who we "come out" to, I was getting frustrated that I had to work out everytime I posted on facebook who knew what. So on 31 March (transgender day of visibility) I decided to post my transgender status to all those who I had not up to that point informed.  I had feared a bit of a backlash from some of the right-wing family members who were my fb friends, but in fact all the responses I had to my post were entirely positive. One of my fb friends obviously decided to unfriend me (I had made a note of how many fb friends I had before the post), but as I've been unable to work out who that person was - it's clearly no big deal. 

But the big plus is that I now know that I don't have to tiptoe around what I post in FB. I have maintained two separate FB identities as I am genderfluid, and I'll post appropriate updates in my male and female FB pages accordingly. I did however invite my male FB friends to "friend" Niamh if they wished and a significant number did.

 

So I fully understand your desire to not have to hide your identity from anyone - it lifts a big weight from your shoulders and I hope that going forward that your family accept how you are even if they are not supportive.

Link to comment

I hadn't had a Facebook account in over a decade. But, my friends in my gaming group were using Facebook groups and I felt I was missing out. A few months into my transition I had decided on Claire, so I started up an FB account. Part of this was intentional. I spent a lot of time and energy talking to my closest friends, family, and coworkers about my transition, explaining why I was doing it, my history, etc. So, rather than surprise more people and have to explain a bunch of stuff, I just put myself out there on FB and let people react as they may. I got an overwhelming amount of support, and it just felt good to get it out of the way and have everyone know about it. 

Link to comment

Its been an interesting day. People I've avoided for a few years have been phoning me up. One of my cousins was on the phone for three hours. It makes me wonder if I've just been punishing myself for the last four years? I've been inviting old friends back with a short messenger messages explaining who I am. Take-up is really good. Even one of my neighbours along the street has accepted a friend request and we've never said much more than "Morning, or Hi" Turns out she's a counsellor and fascinated by my situation. A long lost sister has been in touch and wants to meet the new me... She never met the old me, but never mind :)  

 

I'm not really a fan of Facebook, but as a tool for contacting old friends and broadcasting "News" there is nothing else. Again, I appear to have enough support to cover anything one miserable old relative has to say. Even if he is the head of the family.

Link to comment

That is amazing that you have had such an outcry of support. I hope that you are able to continue to get positive feedback as you move forward with being social, because I think that makes the experience that much more tolerable.

 

That is why I think in the end I decided I would create a post of coming out the same day that I come out at work, so that way I give people a chance to be supportive. I could be surprised either way, and if it is too much negative, I know how to cut off the feed.

 

I hope for your continued success :)

Link to comment

I can see the appeal of Facebook as well but I'm still avoiding Facebook as much as possible.  I haven't really used it much in 10 years, I deleted my account last month.  

 

On another note I'm glad you are getting along with your father, and family.  Hopefully you will continue to find support from family and friends.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 77 Guests (See full list)

    • Mirrabooka
    • Maddee
    • phicauser1
    • KathyLauren
    • Heather Shay
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,943
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!! Two cups of coffee in the books and I am just feeling so wonderful this morning. Not sure why, but I'm happy and smiling.   Enjoy this beautiful day!!!
    • Heather Shay
      A U.S. dollar bill can be folded approximately 4,000 times in the same place before it will tear. -You cannot snore and dream at the same time. -The average person walks the equivalent of three times around the world in a lifetime. -A hippo’s wide open mouth is big enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child in. -Chewing gum while you cut an onion will help keep you from crying.
    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...