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The last person to come out to. Should I?


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So, I've lived as Tamsyn for over a year now and officially changed my name on Feb 18th.   I have one last person to tell, but should I?


My Dad is the reason I didn't come out for years. I was a feminine child and he would pay other children in the local area to beat the crap out of me, to "Toughen me up" God bless the early 80's! He wasn't the cause of my child abuse, but he didn't help, and I did feel abandoned by him.  Anyway, we didn't talk for years although I respected him and let him live his life. He's a very clever man and pretty successful, and someone to look up to. A real man of the community, not that that has ever made any difference to me. He had married a woman forty years his junior and had another two children (he has 7 from three marriages). We rekindled our relationship when I was about to marry my wife. I was asked some security questions by our local registry office, and so had to track down my Dad for answers. When I knocked on his front door, I introduced him to my future wife and his six month old grand daughter. His first words were literally "-don't dodge the filter- me! I thought you were queer!" I was instantly invited into his home to be part of his new family since I was obviously straight and he was even invited to my wedding.


My Dad would be described as an Alpha male. A real man. But he's also homophobic, transphobic, racist, bigoted and opinionated. But as a friend I actually kinda like him?  As a parent he's bloody terrible. We chat a few times a year. It turned out we didn't have to talk all that often, as his wife who is only four years older than myself told him everything that went on in our lives as Facebook makes being nosey so much easier lol. So, four years ago I left Facebook for some privacy while I came to terms with being trans and took the time to decide if and when I should transition.


My dad is 81. He has terminal bowel cancer, but could last another three years (Only the good die young lol). Everybody knows about my transition apart from him and his wife and his two youngest children (aged 25 and 14). I kinda miss Facebook as I had many old friends on there and would love to make contact with them again as the new me, but worry because the second I stick my head above the line, this side of my family will attack... And they really are not very nice.  I'm not scared, just don't want the hassle.


So, should I tell him or wait until he's passed? Its bad enough chatting to him on the phone, whilst I'm wearing a dress and he's going on about the trannies and queers ruining the country. like the other night. Maybe I should tell him to spite him? Or maybe let him go with his pride intact?  If I wrote him a letter, I'm happy for him to never talk to me again. I just feel by not telling him, there is always a bit of myself closeted and living a lie?  What would you lovely people do?



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I can't tell you what you should do.  I just honestly can't.


But if I were in your position, I think I would write him a letter.  That would get the "what-if"s off your back, and take the final step out of the closet.  But then, you would have to be prepared for whatever falls out from that.


If he takes it well (unlikely, but you never know), then all is well.  If he breaks off contact, it could reduce your stress level.  Or not.  If he rants and raves, you may have to be the one to break off contact.  Is there any chance he might get violent?  That would totally change the picture.


Before you decide hat to do, consider the possible outcomes and how you would deal with each one.  Then, decide if it is worth telling him at all.

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Violence is the one thing I'm not afraid of. I remember being about 15 and he was being nasty as usual and I flipped and hit him as hard as I could in the face, with all my strength and the arsehole didn't even flinch... Or react in any way. Damn. I respected him for that.


Now he weighs about 7st, but he still has a mouth. I suppose my biggest fear is disappointing him. I don't need him in my life or my extended family. As I have my own, but...


I think your right. I'm going to write a letter. If he wants to discuss he can, ignore me, he can. This last step out the closet is eating me up and I just want to be honest and myself. This isn't for him. Its for me.

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1 hour ago, LusciousTheLock said:

This last step out the closet is eating me up and I just want to be honest and myself. This isn't for him. Its for me.


(For the non-Brits out there, 7 st = 98 lb.  I'm an ex-Brit.)


I think you are right.  This is something you need to do.  I wouldn't have been happy still keeping myself a secret in any way.

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  • Forum Moderator

My father has died before i came out.  Like your father mine was a "man's man".  WW11 vet and quite tough on the outside. I know he would turned his back on me as some of my older cousins did at first.  Wonderfully they have grown beautifully in acceptance.

I don't know what you should do.  It seems you may have to cut yourself off from a part of your family and that is already happening in some ways.  Maybe you should ask yourself what you and your family  might gain or loose by coming out.

If you have a therapist it would be good to talk it out.

We are here to help as we can regardless of your decision.





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@LusciousTheLock  I was not ever going to tell my biological mom and her husband. Well I let my iPhone on do not disturb mode and "they could not reach me" so they showed up at my apartment in full scene mode. Needless to say it went to hell in a hand-basket. I am no longer welcome at their home (which is great for me). Two less toxic people in my life. I told them if I am not welcome in your home you are not welcome to use my IT brain when your computers break down. I will see how long I am not allowed out there. Their computers are always breaking down, and they don't want to pay to fix them. 

My life post-op,


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  • 4 weeks later...

Well, its been nearly a month, but I finally got round to posting a six page letter through his letterbox this morning at 1am (I was on my way to a callout, it wasn't a special visit). The reason was that he wanted me to go and see him, along with the kids to a family BBQ as soon as Covid restrictions allow, since we haven't met for nearly two years now.


I told him some home truths and left him with the option to make contact or not. Its up to him. To celebrate this being that last bit of coming out, I started a fresh Facebook account and invited all my friends and extended family that may not have known too that with a quick explanation of where I've been for the last few years- A change of management!  Feels like I got some freedom back today :D 

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On 3/16/2021 at 6:05 AM, LusciousTheLock said:

 I have one last person to tell, but should I?

My dad is 81 . . What would you lovely people do?


       I wouldn't tell him - what's the point glutton for more abuse? The problem with Facebook you can always make another separate account but, very good at connecting the "friend suggestion" dots, your new account will still come up on your mother's feed . . . It's a great way indirectly "out" oneself as others put "2 and 2" together?

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Well, I've had a response. through his wife, anyway. He admitted things could have been better. Should have been better and admits that he doesn't "Get it". Strangely he see's me more as a friend, than a member of the family. Claims I've always been so independent, he didn't need to worry about me???


Still wants to meet up in a couple of weeks and see the new me.  I guess that's good.   Or, he's building a bear trap for me. Either way, not a single person remains I'm not out to now :)  Abuse or not, nobody can say I haven't tried.

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5 hours ago, LusciousTheLock said:

Well, I've had a response. through his wife, anyway. He admitted things could have been better. Should have been better and admits that he doesn't "Get it". Strangely he see's me more as a friend, than a member of the family. Claims I've always been so independent, he didn't need to worry about me???


Still wants to meet up in a couple of weeks and see the new me.  I guess that's good.   Or, he's building a bear trap for me. Either way, not a single person remains I'm not out to now :)  Abuse or not, nobody can say I haven't tried.

While I fully understand that some of us may wish to limit who we "come out" to, I was getting frustrated that I had to work out everytime I posted on facebook who knew what. So on 31 March (transgender day of visibility) I decided to post my transgender status to all those who I had not up to that point informed.  I had feared a bit of a backlash from some of the right-wing family members who were my fb friends, but in fact all the responses I had to my post were entirely positive. One of my fb friends obviously decided to unfriend me (I had made a note of how many fb friends I had before the post), but as I've been unable to work out who that person was - it's clearly no big deal. 

But the big plus is that I now know that I don't have to tiptoe around what I post in FB. I have maintained two separate FB identities as I am genderfluid, and I'll post appropriate updates in my male and female FB pages accordingly. I did however invite my male FB friends to "friend" Niamh if they wished and a significant number did.


So I fully understand your desire to not have to hide your identity from anyone - it lifts a big weight from your shoulders and I hope that going forward that your family accept how you are even if they are not supportive.

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I hadn't had a Facebook account in over a decade. But, my friends in my gaming group were using Facebook groups and I felt I was missing out. A few months into my transition I had decided on Claire, so I started up an FB account. Part of this was intentional. I spent a lot of time and energy talking to my closest friends, family, and coworkers about my transition, explaining why I was doing it, my history, etc. So, rather than surprise more people and have to explain a bunch of stuff, I just put myself out there on FB and let people react as they may. I got an overwhelming amount of support, and it just felt good to get it out of the way and have everyone know about it. 

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Its been an interesting day. People I've avoided for a few years have been phoning me up. One of my cousins was on the phone for three hours. It makes me wonder if I've just been punishing myself for the last four years? I've been inviting old friends back with a short messenger messages explaining who I am. Take-up is really good. Even one of my neighbours along the street has accepted a friend request and we've never said much more than "Morning, or Hi" Turns out she's a counsellor and fascinated by my situation. A long lost sister has been in touch and wants to meet the new me... She never met the old me, but never mind :)  


I'm not really a fan of Facebook, but as a tool for contacting old friends and broadcasting "News" there is nothing else. Again, I appear to have enough support to cover anything one miserable old relative has to say. Even if he is the head of the family.

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That is amazing that you have had such an outcry of support. I hope that you are able to continue to get positive feedback as you move forward with being social, because I think that makes the experience that much more tolerable.


That is why I think in the end I decided I would create a post of coming out the same day that I come out at work, so that way I give people a chance to be supportive. I could be surprised either way, and if it is too much negative, I know how to cut off the feed.


I hope for your continued success :)

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Heather A

I can see the appeal of Facebook as well but I'm still avoiding Facebook as much as possible.  I haven't really used it much in 10 years, I deleted my account last month.  


On another note I'm glad you are getting along with your father, and family.  Hopefully you will continue to find support from family and friends.

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