Hello good people,

[Jacob97]

Thank you for allowing me on to this forum. I hope everyone who reads this is happy and doing well.

 

I'm here because a week or so ago, something big went off in my head, and I've been feeling very confused. My anxiety levels are through the roof and I can't stop thinking about something, I can't stop asking myself one question: "am I transgender?" Every inch of my mind seems to have latched onto this thought, and the more I think about it, the more a lot of things in my life make sense.

 

I'm confused because this is not something I have ever asked myself before now (23yo), and I have no recollection of explicitly wanting to be a girl. I'm also not sure if I have any signs of gender dysphoria. However, I have had severe social anxiety all my life and I have always struggled to make friends. I have always had this weird 'thing' where I feel uncomfortable about how others perceive me but without knowing why, and something has never felt right. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. I have always been shy and reserved.

 

There is one experience that has been in my mind a lot lately. When I was a young child, some girls had set up a nail-painting stall at the local event, and I had my nails painted red and was very happy about it. However, later on, my father and his friends bullied me mercilessly and I ran off crying. I think this traumatized me and prevented me from ever expressing myself that way again. I've always hated excessively masculine or boyish activities too, and I always felt pressured to be more boyish as a kid when I didn't want to be. I was very sensitive and effeminate, and I knew I was different to other boys.

 

And since I've asked myself this potent question, there are so many small things that keep coming into my head. I always prefer female characters in videogames, for years I've been saying 'I wish I had some female friends', I always get depressed and agitated when my facial hair grows out, I've been wanting to try cross-dressing for a long time. I'm filled with a sort of euphoria when I imagine myself looking 'cute' and feminine, I often think about how nice it would be to have smooth, hairless skin on my body. Interestingly, I've always found the idea of being called 'daddy' by any hypothetical child I might one day have extremely creepy and unsettling to me, which led me to believe I just wasn't supposed to be a dad. But just the other day, I imagined being called 'mummy', and my heart melted. The list is long of small things I have been reinterpreting as 'signs'.

 

Since asking myself this question, I have suddenly become very distressed about my height (6' 2) and very large hands and feet, I'm not sure if dysphoria can come on so suddenly like that. I have a tendency to go through very intense and obsessive phases, and so I don't know if this is just a phase or not. I also have a history with psychosis, and I'm worried I'm just being delusional. As is clear, I am very confused. Perhaps I just need to experiment with ways of expressing myself to see how it feels, but I don't know if I have the confidence to go through with that. I'm scared and confused, with brief flashes of euphoria when I think I may have found that 'missing piece'. I have pretty bad 'imposter syndrome' as it is and I'm worried I'm what some refer to as 'transtrender' simply because I haven't always felt how I feel right now.

 

I'm sorry for typing this much, thank you for anyone with the patience to read it, I hope you're doing well. I'd love to hear from someone who is having (or has had) the kind of thoughts I'm having.

 

 

[Delcina B]

Welcome Jacob! I can relate to your gender questioning & confusion. Being new to this journey of exploring my femme I'll leave giving advice to those here with more experience. I am set to talk with a gender therapist soon, this seemed a logical next step.

 

Hugs,

Delcina

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @Jacob97, welcome.

 

The best thing I can suggest for helping you to separate what might be gender dysphoria from other mental health issues is to talk to a gender therapist, someone who specializes in understanding and helping transgender people.  You certainly describe enough in your history to make it plausible that you are transgender, but none of us are qualified to diagnose you.  To unravel all that, you need a professional.

 

You have come to the right place for support, though.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[DeeDee]

Hi @Jacob97 pleased to meet you. ? The advice to find a counsellor trained in LGBT issues is the best advice you can have, they will help you sort through your thoughts and feelings and will help you understand yourself better. That uncomfortable feeling and the masking of sensitivity is something myself and many others can relate to, as far as your physique goes, look around - women come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Uma Therman, Geena Davis and Bridgette Neilson are three examples of tall actresses but there are many more it isn't someone's height that makes them masculine or feminine, we all work with what we've got and pine for what we haven't! Good luck with your questioning.

[Jacob97]

Thank you for the warm welcome,

 

Yes I think seeing a gender therapist would be logical. But the waiting list is so long!

 

I think I'm overthinking it a little, maybe I should relax and take it slow, see how my thoughts develop over time, speak to a gender therapist. I've been reading a lot of stuff on the internet by trans people and gender specialists. Apparently the fact that I'm even asking myself this question shows I'm not cisgender, and even if these current feelings are just a phase, they will always come back, and often stronger than before. I've also been reading about repressed or managed dysphoria, and how many don't realise how dysphoric they are until they actually try transitioning.

 

Thank you again, I think spending some time here might give me some perspective and help me to understand myself better.

 

Hugs. ?

 

J

 

 

[DeeDee]

5 hours ago, Jacob97 said:

But the waiting list is so long!

My advice is put yourself on your local waiting list now. My initial appointment was 8 months after calling, but my area is actually quite low compared to others. I'm two years in and have not yet started hormones, but I did have a lot of questions to answer first. I got to 40 before I actually paid any attention to what my body was trying to tell me!  You can skip the wait times by paying for private care, I actually paid for some private counselling I found online first and it was very cheap compared to others but helped me work through that initial panic attack and it was the first time another human saw me and addressed me as DeeDee.

 

I was told the same thing:

5 hours ago, Jacob97 said:

the fact that I'm even asking myself this question shows I'm not cisgender

 

Please keep reading around the forums and blogs, as it will help you find things to compare, but almost all of the people in your life have never once questioned being in the right skin so there is a lot of truth to that statement.

x

 

[Rania]

23 hours ago, Jacob97 said:

I've always hated excessively masculine or boyish activities too, and I always felt pressured to be more boyish as a kid when I didn't want to be. I was very sensitive and effeminate, and I knew I was different to other boys.

 

And since I've asked myself this potent question, there are so many small things that keep coming into my head. I always prefer female characters in videogames, for years I've been saying 'I wish I had some female friends', I always get depressed and agitated when my facial hair grows out

 

 

 

The Journey starts with a question, and I hope you will find the answer . 

 

welcome to the family 

 

???

[Ivy]

Welcome Jacob

On 3/26/2021 at 5:14 PM, Jacob97 said:

I've been wanting to try cross-dressing for a long time.

I can't speak for anybody else, but getting up the nerve to try this was an eye opener for me.  At that point a lot of things began to fall into place.  

But you might want to be discreet about it since it is only an experiment.

And of course the therapist would be a good idea when you can get to it.

[gennee]

Hello Jacob and welcome.

[Vanessa Michelle]

@Jacob97Welcome to the group! ❤️