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Chest dysphoria a bit too big.


Liam de potato

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Liam de potato

I never thought I'd write here

if your sensible yea don't read

Let's say my chest dysphoria is real big lately and it's the center of all my problems all the questions I ask myself

.. and well, I tend to cut it with scissors sometimes, not often but.. yea. I know it's stupid but even if I don't do it I keep imagining this scene seen from above (like from my eyes) and taking a cuter and just plant them over and over and over again with the same shape movement and aspect I had when I was much younger with suicidal thoughts I mean it's different (it was a huge rock falling on my head very very big rock and I was like an ant and it fall and up and fall and up and in the same time zoom unzoom zoom unzoom and it's black and white) here it's from my eyes and cutting that chest with the same zoom unzoom and it's black and white except from the blood it's just friggin tiring

sometimes I want to take that cuter instead of scissors it's just, unbearable I can't touch them actually even without toughing them I feel my sportbras and even wthout anything on I feel the weight.. it's tiring

I don't want to die I always have hope as like I used to say as a kid "it ALWAYS gets better no matter how it happens and how long" (i used to say that when I was sick XD)

once I tried going in that sophrology class/session whatever that happens at school to work on stress and I ended up crying in the middle of everyone because we touched our bodies and well yea

even friends saw and I'm the kind of person to not show my feelings so I mean they asked stuff even the ones I told I thought I was trans, well I said I was trans, I just can't show them this and it's destroying

sometimes I take the cable of my headset put it behind my neck (not around just behind) and so I pull one side than the other and again of the cable burning my skin on the neck Idk why I do this I'm just tired

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Jackie C.

You weren't wrong my dude. Sensitive people should NOT read that. I'm still cringing.

 

You've got the right attitude though, this is only for now. People who have never experienced it don't quite get how hard the dysphoria monster hits. The only reason I had testicles into my teen years was a low pain tolerance so I get where you're coming from.

 

You don't want to scar the tissue though. High quality tissue will give you better results when you can get your top surgery so, keep the wounds clean and treat with disinfectant. Once you've healed enough, wear your binder and do your best. You're almost across the finish line. You'll be able to legally make your own decisions about your body before you know it.

 

Hugs!

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Liam de potato

I know about how the tissue needs to stay let's say clean that's why I'm not really going through skin even if sometimes I'd like XD but erm yea thanks I never really told anyone so it kinda feels weird but good idk it's weird. I just feel dumb about doing this but yea idk and yea that's hard, I hope it wasn't too bad during your teens and that you're good now ^^

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Jackie C.

I'm post-GCS, so yeah, everything is good now😉

 

It's not really that weird. With the dysphoria you feel like they aren't really part of you and they are unwelcome. I'm not saying you shouldn't be talking to a therapist about it if you can (physical and mental health is important), but be careful.

 

Hugs!

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Liam de potato

that's good! ^^

and thank you

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