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Please release me, let me go....


LusciousTheLock

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LusciousTheLock

So, I'm having dark thoughts again. This hasn't happened for a few years, but is very real. It starts because I am again backed into a corner trapped. like a caged animal I want out at any cost.

 

My job is terrible. Its the worst place I've ever worked. Every time I try and leave I get money thrown at me, a new car, a holiday, whatever to keep me there. But its killing me. When I first started at the company, before I came out, the whole place fell in love with me (I'm not joking). They said I had a lovely smile, positive attitude and I got things done. They took my picture (Unknown to me) and posted it all over the company magazine 50,000 people looking at my happy mug posted on the cover, and all over the office. Without my permission. They don't know about my crippling depression, and so I let it slide, the people are lovely and the work kept me busy. The company operates a good 20yrs behind the rest of the industry and I'm slowly bringing them up kicking and screaming to current age, but this isn't really my job. I'm just experienced in the industry, but actually employed as a transport manager.

 

I came out. Everybody was supportive, but I quickly realised that this is not a feminine job. I can't be myself,  I'm tired, I don't want to be involved anymore. Then Covid happened. This is one of the few industries allowed to continue working in the UK (Construction / Civil Engineering) and I was grateful for the distraction but knew as soon as this was over I wanted out.

 

My Diabetes is bad, my blood pressure sky high I haven't been able to get a GP appointment since December 2019. I've got some sort of rash covering my stomach and arms and I cant sleep and just feel terrible. On top of that, we're having some legal problems now following our two week Christmas shutdown where unknown to me, one department specialising in traffic management, hired out some of my specialist vehicles over Christmas to help with the Brexit works (Only people from the UK may understand that one), all behind my back. Someone made alot of money, and I suspect our account director was involved. First thing I know about it was when a roadside check has taken place, Tachographs downloaded and my vehicles are showing a solid two weeks of unaccounted driving hours. illegal 26hr shifted driving hours. Being a rotten to the core company we are, there is no paperwork or record of who these drivers were, who hired the lorries. Nothing. And I'm legally responsible. People are not answering the phone and I generally feel I've been hung out to dry. Around 15 of my drivers with proved involvement will be receiving £6k-£10k fines. God knows what I'm going to get.

 

So why don't I quit? I cant. I'm trapped by a three month notice period on my contract. I had my notice letter in my pocket yesterday, and went to hand it to my boss, who is aware of the current situation, who exclaimed how proud everybody was of me for getting through these difficulty times. How strong I am. I get letters from people thanking me for bringing some diversity to the operation. People asking my advice on they're own mental health issues (I'm also great to talk to apparently). Yesterday I got a letter from the Transport Commissioner, the same person who's going to fine me or take away my operating licence. Again with a similar line about bringing diversity to UK haulage, following a letter I wrote to her about my name change (My qualifications cannot be changed to represent my new name on my legal documents). So I had to make them aware my Operating licence name and qualifications do not match my new name. Anyway, after giving up trying to hand in my notice letter, I tore it up.

 

At this point I just want out. Everybody uses my skills and abilities for they're own ends. Its like being in the middle of the ocean with five people who cant swim holding onto me for dear life. I'm getting tired and just want to give in. My family wouldn't miss me, they've struggled coming to terms with my transition. Financially they would be better off. I don't see too many reasons for staying around and I still own the hosepipe from last time and those leather seats in my car are looking really comfy.

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tracy_j

It does sound a bit of a mess, but I think this covid thing is not helping at all. Not that it helps, but I think there are many people in the same boat as you across the country. Much frustration but you could start by making plans for an alternative jog. Perhaps re-training? College even?

Obviously I don't know what your contract says but if it states that you are responsible for the vehicles use, if it were me I would likely raise hell until I got to the bottom of this devious business. It's a bit of a 'no win' situation except that, at the very least you should be able to distance yourself from any involvement. Another point is that they may be breaking your contract themselves by their illegal actions. You cannot be expected to honour a contract which they can effectively circumvent. One approach that I used to use was to do everything by the book and demand that paperwork be followed. Another thing that I found worked well with a previous boss was to raise health and safety or legal concerns. Working in healthcare, as I did, these were obviously a priority but I can see they would be less so in your position. They should be followed though. I suspect that if you followed things through and investigated strongly enough they would soon agree to releasing you from your contract if senior managment became implicated. There are ways though, it is just working out how to balance things. Perhaps one 'touchy' point is whether you have anything they could hold over you? Sorry to raise this but I know how things and these type of people work. If so sort it out. Things are a lot easier if you know you can just walk. Any fear of loosing a legal contract issue may deter them (get legal advice?).

It will be hard but you do need to get organised rather than using a 'seat of pants' approach (I hope I have not got that wrong). Maybe create a new logging system for the vehicles which is not so easy to fool. Don't forget that it does not matter whether you are male or female. There is a job to be done and you are in the right place to do it. Maybe I am different to you but the way I would approach things, the rebel that I am, would be to distance myself and work through things, even refusing requests (maybe even direct orders) until I had got things and my mind into better order. Being very accepting of other's ideas meant that I was very often imposed on but every now and again I snapped and just refused on principle. It maybe did not do me any favours but it did make people think. Don't forget it is your health. A few ruffled feathers is better than you being sick.

 

We are here with you. You can work through this and things will be brighter, especially on the other side of covid. Plan for the future now and begin to work at it. Even doing this process will make you feel better.

 

Tracy

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LusciousTheLock

Your right of course, and part of the problem is I'm sick of raising hell and shouting. I plan a life reset and want to do some training. I'm planning on getting a menial job then training at night school to be a counsellor (yeah, right frame of mind for it lol) I do find thought processes and mental health a fascinating subject, even if I fall into the same traps myself. That's the other problem with my job. I used to be able to keep things in control and now I find myself getting emotionally involved. I'm passionate about getting things right (bit of OCD) and failing causes constant stress, and over the last 12 months, this company has failed a lot. The management team are weak, greedy and deserting a sinking ship and I always considered myself better than that. 

 

I once again brought my resignation letter to work for handing in though... This time my bloody boss has had a heart attack! No, an actual one :(

 

I showed my colleagues the letter, who were really sad at me wanting to leave, but understood my points and reasons for doing so. They thought my letter was amazing, but asked me to think on it, but I have been, for weeks.

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tracy_j

When I mentioned raising hell I was not thinking emotionally. It really is a mistake, in my opinion, although difficult to avoid. It is said, and I believe, that it is easier to get another job when you already have one and obviously it is always better to have reasonable references from a previous job. It's a good idea to have your plan in place before leaving, even down to the course you plan to take. I have found that in my past as it made things easier rather than the other times when I just left and had difficulty working out what I was going to do when family members were on my back continually prodding in all manner of directions.

There are many different jobs in counselling and healthcare. It's the way I went and never looked back. I am far more technical but many healthcare jobs tend to be multi-disciplinary at times. Patients I visited often saw a friendly face and discussed their sometimes quite harrowing issues. From the trans point of view I found no issues whatsoever although have never fully transitioned. It doesn't hurt to get details and list of requirements for a broad selection of careers. Research is the key to many successes.

 

I suppose it is easier looking at your plight from the other side of the problem, ie being in a similar quandry, but I can attest that it is possible to sort and find a happier place. You will get there with a bit of dedication and planning. I found that even just sorting the planning actually reduced my stress no end.

 

Tracy

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LusciousTheLock

Planning is everything. I would have three months once my notice is in, and feel I can do anything once I know an end is in sight. I looked at courses last year but work got in the way of all my dates (Winter periods I can be at work from 3am to 11pm randomly). My wife is actually quite supportive, and has just told me to go. She can support us, which is nice, since I did the same for fifteen years when we had our children. 

 

But just to get by though, I would take a minimum wage job and rebuild myself. I just want the pressure off. The ability to turn my phone off rather than waking up in the middle of the night because I've dreamt its ringing would be a bonus. To get some control back. To not have everybody else's problems become my own. To be responsible for my own destiny. To have some me time.

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Linda Marie

Suicide is easy, you're gone, no more voice, nobody will remember you  except the fact you ended yourself.

Depression is the most horrible thing I went through. 3 years of never ending mental pain. Suicide was my out, I almost

committed to suicide 3 times.

I beat depression because I refused outside help. I faced it and I battled it on my own and won. I just didn't understand

what was going on in my head. No one can help you but yourself. If you seek medical attention you are screwed for life, you are on record that will never leave you, that is important, remember that.  

What I went through was a dark cloud that shows up without warning. Day after day, year after year. 

I found myself asking why are you back. That is when I went to battle with myself. I mean, all going well, all happy and I go

off into this world I would never wish on anyone. 

I still have bouts with minor depression,  but nothing like what I went through with the major part I was going through.

How did I beat it? I faced myself, and I went to war with these feelings. It took 3 years to move that cloud, but it worked for me.

I attempted suicide 3 times, I know what I'm talking about, and I still have a voice today, I get to tell my story, I get to make a fool of myself at times, but I'm still here, not buried some place with no voice. See my picture, see the look in my eyes, this was not a pose, this was real. I was choosing which gun to use. The first time I was playing roulette 1 bullet spin and go, the second time 

I over dosed myself, woke up 2 days later with soiled clothes, yuk, what a way to die. The third time I set up a camera, what saved me was unreal, I woke up and thought,  What the -expletive- is going on with me? What will my family see when they get home? So I went to battle. Look closely at my eyes, I was lost in depression, I didn't pose for this picture, it was to be the last of me.

LM♥️ 

Linda-Marie Johnson ~ Guns.jpg

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LusciousTheLock

Linda Marie, your right in the sense that anybody I met would never know. I'm known as the happiest person in the office. I'm the one that cheers up everybody else :). The confident, the brave face. Its all lies of course, but the "Norms" don't need to know that. Blimey, its been a week. Yeah the depression hits hard. Been away for a week, getting my head together. Nobody at home seemed to notice I was gone and the chores have mounted up. Strange thing with my wife working nights, like passing ships in the night. If I did do the deed, I wonder how long it would be before anybody noticed?  Sleeping in the car is also not a very feminine thing to do either lol. So why did I resurface?  Bloomin weather. We've got snow coming in tonight apparently, and I drive a gritter (amongst everything else). The thing that makes me run away, brings me back haha.

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