Safety in Old Spaces

[AmberM]

I had a discussion with my therapist on a topic yesterday and wanted to see what other people's takes on it is. So a problem that I am starting to have is I no longer feel safe in the old spaces that I used to frequent, not necessarily physically safe, but at minimum emotionally unsafe. He is queer, and he explained that the reason he thinks that it is because I don't see other queer people in the spaces I used to frequent. I simply don't see many if any at all queer couples at the mall that used to frequent. I see cis-hetero-normative groups of people, on top of that, there are several that don't look like they would accept me for who I am, especially in my current state.

 

My therapist's suggestion is to start frequenting more queer spaces, as that will give me more like minded people that I can have a conversation with and have more in common with. I feel like this would work, but I also feel like that is retreating for the sake of other people which feels unauthentic, as I am not able to be the real me around others.

 

Does anybody else have this issue?

[Heather Shay]

Although I don't seem to have that issue (so far) I do find hanging out with my trans friends much more rewarding even if it is via zoom, text, email and TP. I am worried of my more trans intolerant friends and it pains me by I know it is what it is. Your therapist's advice makes sense based on what you are feeling and experiencing.

[Elizabeth Star]

I had to change grocery store for that reason. I had on more than one occasion other customers stare and snicker as I walked by. It was early in my transition and I probably didn’t pass very well at the time  but still it happened and hurt. One day on a whim I went to the store across town. This was the store where some of the employees have bright colored hair, cat ear headbands, goths and so on. I was not out fully but was still gendered as female by the cashier. Turned out she is also trans. I’ve been much happier shopping there. 

[rainflower]

You don't have to feel obligated to go to those old spaces, I wouldn't call it retreating, more like being smart. We should be spending what little time we have with people who value and accept us as we are. There are places that I choose to go where I get stares or muttered comments, but I don't let that bother me, but I wouldn't say I spend a majority of my time in those places. 

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

This was the store where some of the employees have bright colored hair, cat ear headbands, goths and so on. I was not out fully but was still gendered as female by the cashier. Turned out she is also trans. I’ve been much happier shopping there. 

This sounds like a fun place to shop!

At my neighborhood store most of the people that work there treat me fine, some are friendly - even though I don't pass. (except maybe at a long distance) 

To be honest, I was scared at first since they had seen the old me before.  Maybe they just think of me as the local crazy old person. LOL

[LusciousTheLock]

I've never been to any queer spaces, wouldn't even notice the difference I think? I have some gay friends who I'm friendly with through work, but don't really socialise other than the odd text here and there. I've always felt the odd one out in any group and socially span many different groups. But not sure I would actually fit in anywhere. I don't know any other Trans people either and I live in quite a big city. I'm just me. My friends have all pretty much said the same thing to me about being the only Trans person they know. They also said that if it had been anybody else they possibly wouldn't have been as accepting, although they admit times are changing. My sister has accused me of avoiding people, but I like my own space to be me and just blend in- as much as possible with a big shiny bald head . Maybe once Covid is over, and I'm more public than I was before there will be a difference?

 

I will admit that I don't believe in any form of segregation though, that leads to box ticking. I think life is all about balance and differing people and opinions. Protections aside, an a*rse hole is still an a*rse hole at the end of the day. Play nice kids. 

 

 

[tracy_j]

Over the years I have the habit of chatting to most anyone. That said, with my female lifestyle I am far more likely to associate with women now than I (maybe?) would have with men years ago. It's more a lifestyle thing. I occasionally notice obviously trans people but they are usually about their business so seldom talk. The same with any other factions. Our paths don't cross but if I come across someone I will chat.

 

A point I would make though is that our lives change, over the years. I don't think we deliberately avoid people as such. It just happens!

 

Tracy

[AmberM]

Thanks for all the replies

 

I feel like on some level you are right @LusciousTheLock that segregation isn't good, and that is my gut instinct to what is happening. However, when I think about it, switching my location of grocery stores may not be a bad thing if they are more accepting, not that they are necessarily LGBTQ+, just if they seem more accepting.

 

I have broached this topic in a few different locations, and this seems to be a fairly common problem, at least with where I live. There is a core pocket of acceptance in Columbus proper, but then as you leave the city and in some of the suburbs, it becomes less accepting of different people. So switching makes sense because I am not exposing myself to those people, especially early in my Full Time experience. The other suggestion I got was to go with a group, so that way it isn't as awkward and we can all lean on each other.

[LusciousTheLock]

Switching stores isn't so much a bad thing. I live right on my High street, and we have two grocery stores across the road. I will choose one over the other based on service and friendliness, but I don't think I would go out of my way to travel to a new destination just to avoid questioning looks. I will admit though, to getting a slight thrill when I see someone looking a little awkward around me, and will go out of my way to make them feel uncomfortable. Usually engaging them in conversation or commenting on how nice they look. 

 

But... It is a different matter when I'm on a low mood. You know, those times when making myself as pass just doesn't seem possible and could do without the scrutinising. For those times, I do use the large supermarket at the top of the road. They have self service

[AmberM]

I'll be honest, I haven't gone in a grocery store now in about three months because of the shopping service they offer. I can just pull my car up and they will load the groceries in my car, which is great. The pharmacy is a bit of a pain though, because there is one pharmacist that I hate there, she seemed to question why I was on E, not being super nosy but kind of gave the vibe she wasn't okay with it. So I have debated switching stores at least for the pharmacy aspect. The other pharmacist didn't have that reaction and is really nice though, so right now it is a 50/50 split.

 

I agree when I am in a good place my defenses are fine for the most part, it just depletes my reserves quickly. I don't like going to the mall that we usually frequent actually because it is so draining to go. It feels like 1/3 of people are staring at me or giving me funny looks while just trying to walk around and window shop or shop. Now that the weather is changing, my therapist suggested I walk the Arts District instead, which is more LGBTQ+ friendly, plus we could see some interesting art along the way (maybe). These are all decisions I am starting to debate, how much do I want to change my behavior.

[LusciousTheLock]

Yes I can see those issues and have experienced them myself. It is very draining. I would just not want to be singled out for being who I am, and so I tend to go on the attack. Well, not really attack, just show over-confidence even though I'm dying inside. Make them feel as awkward as they make you feel. I know in our local Indian restaurant (been shut for a year now), dressing up for a nice meal and always got the very best of service, which was either because they were curious, or just wanted me gone. Either way, its a win for me haha.

 

 

[MiraM]

There are some 'old places' I don't go to anymore.  I no longer go to dive bars and biker bars, as that particular clientele is not historically accepting of Trans or Queer people, and since I no longer drink, or live the biker lifestyle, I have no reason to go there anyway.  I have never sought out Queer spaces, except to occasionally go to local gay club s for drag shows, but don't do that any more since I don't drink.  I haven't changed the places I  shop or go to eat, whatever.  I have just as much right to be in those places as anyone else.  As far as surrounding myself with LGBTQ+ people, I have a few lesbian and gay friends, and know two Trans Men, one from work, and the other I was married to.  The Cis-Het people I associate with treat me with respect and accept me for who I am.  My customers treat and refer to me as a woman, as do the upper store and corporate management.  I have changed my habits very little since transitioning.  I don't isolate myself from the world at large and live in a bubble of 'people like me'.  I am out there living my life among the masses, hopefully showing that we are just like everyone else, just trying to get through life.

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, MiraM said:

I don't isolate myself from the world at large and live in a bubble of 'people like me'.  I am out there living my life among the masses, hopefully showing that we are just like everyone else, just trying to get through life.

Living by a small city in a conservative area, there is really no "bubble" to be in.  I just go about my life also.  I don't go out to places that I think would be dangerous, but I'm not into those places anyway.  I don't know any local trans folk, although it would be nice to meet any if they're around here.  I do think it is good for people to see me so they realize we are around and among them - just people.

I'm planning on going into town today to be visible for visibility day.  Probably get a sandwich and a beer.