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I feel like im faking my feelings? /


tjyulick

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Within the past year, I have started to question my gender a lot. I am afab, and I am pretty confident that I am not FtM, but I am finding that I constantly want to be more androgynous. I have always been comfortable being female I think? Until recently, and I feel like there are some reasons why. For one, I am a lesbian and I had pretty intense compulsory heterosexuality and still do. Looking back I find my femininity only as something I used to get male attention, because I thought that that meant I was an attractive person who deserved attention. After realizing my attraction to men was an act, I have wanted to be more androgynous. The thing is though, I am constantly afraid that I am faking my emotions because a lot of times I am okay as being seen feminine. For example, I dance ballet and have my whole life, and I don't get upset being very femme and wearing leotards that accentuate my feminine features. I think this is because I see ballet as something completely different from myself, almost as if I was playing dress up... and its not connected to my gender. I am fairly young though, and Im terrified that this is all just something I have convinced myself to believe for attention. However, I denied I was gay because I thought I was faking it, and for the longest time I believed that I was faking all my diagnosed mental illnesses. Does anyone else feel like this? Or have you used to? How to you learn to believe yourself when it's something as big and scary as my own gender? 

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Questioning is very good and it appears you are being honest with yourself. Feeling you are aking it is also normal. I found the following workbook amazing and it helped me a lot. 

 

 

You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery Paperback – September 26, 2017 

By Dara Hoffman-Fox 
 
You can get it on Amazon  for about $15 and it really helps to asking yourself many questions to help you understand you and where you are on the gender spectrum. It lead me to really look at myself and then procedure on the path I am now going.
 
Good Luck and I know you sound open and willing to listen.

 

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Hon, you are not alone in your feelings.  Many of us have asked ourselves or our therapists how real any of this is.  I spent a lot of therapy sessions asking my G.T. if I wasn't just trying to get attention and how to "prove" my transness, even to myself.  Not everyone knows for sure from a young age who and what they are.

 

That said, I'm not trying to convince you one way or another; just pointing out that you have common ground with many others.  If you have the resources and can talk to a gender therapist, that would probably help a great deal.  If not, then please do spend time here reading what other folks have gone through in their own self-examinations.  I think you'll learn a lot, and it will help you figure things out for yourself.  Be patient, read, talk to others here, and ask questions.

 

Carolyn Marie

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I can't pronounce your name, so I'll just say, "Hi. I'm Lee. Nice to meetcha."

Here's what caught my attention:

On 3/31/2021 at 6:03 AM, tjyulick said:

The thing is though, I am constantly afraid that I am faking my emotions

What is the difference between "Faking our emotions" vs. "Exploring ourselves?" I can relate to the undesirable implications of not being our genuine, authentic selves, but finding ourselves is hard, At least for me, our actual, authentic self is not a destination, it's a continual journey. We evolve. Sliding in and out of various physical appearances is easy; sliding in and out of various gender identities is hard. Then, just to make things even more interesting, there always is the question of "how far is too far?" It's like an identity throttle. Am I faking it if I don't  crank it up to WOT?"

 

I'm questioning too, searching for a "self" I can "accept," as in "self-acceptance." I'm trying to find the gender identity that corresponds with the rest of my human identity. Is this who I am? Am I that? But it's illusive, because as I age, I evolve.

 

On 3/31/2021 at 6:03 AM, tjyulick said:

How to you learn to believe yourself when it's something as big and scary as my own gender? 

In this context, I wonder if "learn[ing] to believe [our]selves" is a helpful goal. Perhaps our genuine selves are on a journey of self-discovery that will last a lifetime, as we continue to learn to accept and believe in our continuously evolving identities, including our gender identities?" 

 

I don't know any of the answers, but I do believe that my path includes "trying on" different gender identities, . Maybe I'll find one that "fits exactly" or maybe I'll just continue with my experimentation. I dunno. I'm a work in progress, and that's ok.

 

BTW, I love ballet for the awesome athleticism of all the dancers, and the grace with which you perform those moves.  

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yep ive felt it too but its more like a confusion for my gender, i know im fine with how i was born (was born a boy) but i dont really know for the other things which really makes me confused but online ive acted more like i guess how i might act if i was born a girl but i think my gender is a mix of boy and girl and i know it changes from time to time

 

for how ive believed myself i just kept on trying to be myself which was pretty hard at first even just the "am fine with girl pronouns" but fast forward about a year and I prefer girl pronouns, i prefer the girl name ive chosen and in a few online multiplayer games i play well im a girl in it. but i know that for the harder things like wearing girl clothes in real life its going to be tougher but if thats me

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Hi @tjyulick, and welcome.

 

Questioning is a confusing journey. It makes us anxious and we'd want to just have answers as soon as possible. Sadly that's not how it works.

What I found out is that the mind plays all kind of tricks on us. There is so much fear and shame, and they show up in many ways, even "logical" ways. So, what can help you is thinking less and experiencing more - in baby steps. Just one thing at a time and see how you feel with that. Like changing your hair style, trying more androginous clothing, asking some trusted friend to use neutral pronouns and see how it feels. 

 

Breathe deep and give yourself time. I know it's not easy because it is so uncomfortable that you would just know now and stop the anxiety. But every little thing you learn about yourself will be good, even if clarity takes a while. And if you keep trying small things you will have a sense of moving forward.

 

The book @Shay recommended you is a great one. And, as @Carolyn Marie said the best you can do is see a gender therapist.

 

Read around the forum and ask questions, there are wonderful and kind people here that can help you.

Wishing you a joyful journey

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