I feel like im faking my feelings? /

[tjyulick]

Within the past year, I have started to question my gender a lot. I am afab, and I am pretty confident that I am not FtM, but I am finding that I constantly want to be more androgynous. I have always been comfortable being female I think? Until recently, and I feel like there are some reasons why. For one, I am a lesbian and I had pretty intense compulsory heterosexuality and still do. Looking back I find my femininity only as something I used to get male attention, because I thought that that meant I was an attractive person who deserved attention. After realizing my attraction to men was an act, I have wanted to be more androgynous. The thing is though, I am constantly afraid that I am faking my emotions because a lot of times I am okay as being seen feminine. For example, I dance ballet and have my whole life, and I don't get upset being very femme and wearing leotards that accentuate my feminine features. I think this is because I see ballet as something completely different from myself, almost as if I was playing dress up... and its not connected to my gender. I am fairly young though, and Im terrified that this is all just something I have convinced myself to believe for attention. However, I denied I was gay because I thought I was faking it, and for the longest time I believed that I was faking all my diagnosed mental illnesses. Does anyone else feel like this? Or have you used to? How to you learn to believe yourself when it's something as big and scary as my own gender? 

[Heather Shay]

Questioning is very good and it appears you are being honest with yourself. Feeling you are aking it is also normal. I found the following workbook amazing and it helped me a lot. 

 

 

You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery Paperback – September 26, 2017 

By Dara Hoffman-Fox 

 

You can get it on Amazon  for about $15 and it really helps to asking yourself many questions to help you understand you and where you are on the gender spectrum. It lead me to really look at myself and then procedure on the path I am now going.

 

Good Luck and I know you sound open and willing to listen.

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Hon, you are not alone in your feelings.  Many of us have asked ourselves or our therapists how real any of this is.  I spent a lot of therapy sessions asking my G.T. if I wasn't just trying to get attention and how to "prove" my transness, even to myself.  Not everyone knows for sure from a young age who and what they are.

 

That said, I'm not trying to convince you one way or another; just pointing out that you have common ground with many others.  If you have the resources and can talk to a gender therapist, that would probably help a great deal.  If not, then please do spend time here reading what other folks have gone through in their own self-examinations.  I think you'll learn a lot, and it will help you figure things out for yourself.  Be patient, read, talk to others here, and ask questions.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Lee H]

I can't pronounce your name, so I'll just say, "Hi. I'm Lee. Nice to meetcha."

Here's what caught my attention:

On 3/31/2021 at 6:03 AM, tjyulick said:

The thing is though, I am constantly afraid that I am faking my emotions

What is the difference between "Faking our emotions" vs. "Exploring ourselves?" I can relate to the undesirable implications of not being our genuine, authentic selves, but finding ourselves is hard, At least for me, our actual, authentic self is not a destination, it's a continual journey. We evolve. Sliding in and out of various physical appearances is easy; sliding in and out of various gender identities is hard. Then, just to make things even more interesting, there always is the question of "how far is too far?" It's like an identity throttle. Am I faking it if I don't  crank it up to WOT?"

 

I'm questioning too, searching for a "self" I can "accept," as in "self-acceptance." I'm trying to find the gender identity that corresponds with the rest of my human identity. Is this who I am? Am I that? But it's illusive, because as I age, I evolve.

 

On 3/31/2021 at 6:03 AM, tjyulick said:

How to you learn to believe yourself when it's something as big and scary as my own gender? 

In this context, I wonder if "learn[ing] to believe [our]selves" is a helpful goal. Perhaps our genuine selves are on a journey of self-discovery that will last a lifetime, as we continue to learn to accept and believe in our continuously evolving identities, including our gender identities?" 

 

I don't know any of the answers, but I do believe that my path includes "trying on" different gender identities, . Maybe I'll find one that "fits exactly" or maybe I'll just continue with my experimentation. I dunno. I'm a work in progress, and that's ok.

 

BTW, I love ballet for the awesome athleticism of all the dancers, and the grace with which you perform those moves.  

[Gabriel]

Hi @tjyulick, and welcome.

 

Questioning is a confusing journey. It makes us anxious and we'd want to just have answers as soon as possible. Sadly that's not how it works.

What I found out is that the mind plays all kind of tricks on us. There is so much fear and shame, and they show up in many ways, even "logical" ways. So, what can help you is thinking less and experiencing more - in baby steps. Just one thing at a time and see how you feel with that. Like changing your hair style, trying more androginous clothing, asking some trusted friend to use neutral pronouns and see how it feels. 

 

Breathe deep and give yourself time. I know it's not easy because it is so uncomfortable that you would just know now and stop the anxiety. But every little thing you learn about yourself will be good, even if clarity takes a while. And if you keep trying small things you will have a sense of moving forward.

 

The book @Shay recommended you is a great one. And, as @Carolyn Marie said the best you can do is see a gender therapist.

 

Read around the forum and ask questions, there are wonderful and kind people here that can help you.

Wishing you a joyful journey

[Jona]

Hi tjyulick, 

 

Thank you for sharing this. You put words to feelings and thoughts I am having as well. Reading your post almost feels like looking in a mirrow and It makes me feel so relived to know I am not alone with this. I hope you continue to learn exepting yourself doughts, questions and all. I will do my best to follow my own advice and learn what that means for me. 

[Heather Shay]

You are certainly not alone.

Hugs

Heather

[awkward-yet-sweet]

You aren't alone.  I still don't exactly know what I am.  FtM, intersex, a combination, or something else.  In my saner moments, I think the problem is labeling.  When we don't firmly fit into a category, it affects the mind.  I don't think you're faking anything - mental issues, emotions, or anything else.  Maybe you feel the way I do...completely adrift without something firm to hang on to?  It is really hard to process that kind of feeling. 

 

Since I can't hang on to who I am, I'm hanging on to who my partners are.  My husband is pretty grounded and my coming out to him went well, so he's a big relief to me.  If you have a friend, partner, or family member that accepts you and your feelings, perhaps that's a starting point? 

[Birdie]

All of us question our emotions at times, and we shouldn't feel alone. 

like awkward, I am very much intersex but AMAB. I really didn't know who I was.  I found myself "faking" while attending sports events, in reality I wanted to be at home sewing. In that case I hide my emotions in order to "fit in". 

Emotions are weird creatures, and the fact is if we are having them, they are real.

Catching myself "crying" because I couldn't get the bag out of the vacuum cleaner is quite annoying when you are "supposed to be male", and I questioned those emotions. But they were real, and just an outburst of how I felt at that moment. 

Everything you feel in regard to emotions are real and not faked, and then we are face with the task of getting them sorted. 

[Ashley0616]

Feelings are definitely normal. I'm transitioning at 38 years old. It took a lot but I only started earlier. I'm very happy with the decision of moving forward. I feel a placebo effect because I'm only on a week of HRT and I know it takes a minimum of four to eight weeks but I'm enjoying being a woman. 

[natalianatalia]

Nobody not alone here!  that feelings i had me too for years ago who i am? is it true that i feel no more woman but woman? i find  my self i hear my heart and i say yes! i am sure! i feel woman iam not straight woman and when realized this fact i start all the procedures to look not only inside me but also outside in my looking and go out as a real woman