April Fools? Not quite.

[Delcina B]

 

So, last night my wife who I came out to about a month ago brought me dinner & a serious discussion. It was nonconfrontational, but brutally honest. She sees two options: First, continue to keep my femme completely in the closet here at my hobby farm never allowing the children & grandchildren a glimpse or suspicion of my transgender femme self. Second, get divorced and stay away.

 

I told her I was certain I'm transgender. I see the first option as only a temporary solution & no matter how careful, at some point I will be out accidentally; someday, I would forget to remove lipstick, necklace, or something else, or someone will show up at the place unannounced. On the second concerning divorce, it would only work as she wishes if I disappear. I told her of two other possible choices I have considered: Third, come out to the kids in a controlled setting, to which she adamantly said would severely damage them emotionally. A fourth would be to put the femme me in a box permanently, also explaining when I thought of doing this I had deep anxiety. She said there were only male & female, as God created us. Then she said the "S" word, she said I could do it if I wasn't selfish.

 

We finished talking & she left without making a decision. It is essentially mine to make. I am grateful for being able to discuss it with her calmly, but my heart is heavy.

 

This morning, I thought, how nice, if I like Scrooge in Charles Dickens' The Christmas Carol could see Christmas future & see how my children & grandchildren would be if I just disappeared, or even better if they knew me as a woman.

 

I want to cry, but there are no tears. 

 

Delcina

 

 

 

[Charlize]

I am so sorry that you are going through this dear.  Is there any possibility that you and your wife could see a gender therapist?  I would suggest a marriage counselor except in Florida i fear they may also have extreme ideals.  I know that i put myself into a box on and off all my life.  As to the "S" word it goes two ways.  I certainly feel your pain, having lived through it.  When i finally made it plain that i had to proceed i did so knowing i might loose all that i had worked for in my life.  It was the hardest thing i have ever done.  Knowing that others had faced this kind of fear helped but it was still my decision.

Therapy certainly helped me with that decision.  We are here to support you whatever path you may take.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Confused1]

Delcina, I am going to message you something that might help. Many of us have had similar conversations with our wives. Sometimes the initial reaction can change with education and time.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Jackie C.]

Wow, OK. Well first off, your spouse is apparently full of what comes out of the South-end of a North-bound horse. If she can't deal with the real you fine, but she doesn't get to decide for the kids and the grandkids.

 

I second the motion that you see about a gender therapist. Preferably one that deals in couples therapy because it sounds like your spouse has a LONG way to go before she's comfortable seeing you as you really are.

 

Kids are always more accepting than you think. Bigotry is a learned behavior. You have to teach them to hate. I wish you a long and happy relationship with your kids and grandkids. If she wants to be a part of that, it's up to her. The kind of ultimatum your spouse gave you just isn't fair in a relationship.

Marriage is a partnership of equals. She doesn't get to dictate anything. Especially not who you are. Seeking happiness isn't selfish. Like @Charlize said, she's being selfish in demanding that you stay in the closet. Someone who actually loved you unconditionally would be happy for you and supportive, even if she couldn't stay with you sexually.

 

That was more rambling than I intended, but I get a little irritated when someone disrespects their partner like that. Especially when their first response is to, "Lay down the law."

 

Hugs!

[KayC]

Hi @Delcina B.  I understand exactly what you are going through, as I have been on a similar "journey" with my wife, but it has been 5 years (first as a closet crossdresser, which she endured) and now a year coming out as transfeminine (which she has been determined to reject and potentially end our relationship).
Gender therapy for myself (first) was critical just so I knew exactly "who" I am.  I have to start there.

I did accept significant restrictions/limitations (like, remain a closet CD) at the beginning be we have slowly (VERY slowly) been making tiny baby steps of progress for both of us.  I am WAY ahead of her, and she needs more time to examine if/when she might ever come to full acceptance.  But for now she is hanging on.

And I have also established a certain level of compromise I can live with.

We actually had 2 therapy sessions together with my therapist (the last one was today) and while it doesn't change a lot .. it does keep open the communication.  Our therapist reminded her this is a loooong process. 
My first month after coming out was Hell.  Its not "heaven" yet (or anywhere close to it) but the heat has definitely been turned down.  Hopefully she can give you some time to work through this together.

Hoping the best for you both in the end .. whether that's together or not ?

[Delcina B]

Thank you all! A gender therapist is in my near future, I'm just waiting for a call with the appointment date. I will find out if couples sessions are an option, I don't see why not. I have previously agreed to contain my femme "in the closet," at least until some therapy appointments. I will continue for now, but in my heart & mind I see it as only a band-aid where a tourniquet is needed. 

 

Hugs,

Delcina

[GraceH]

4 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Wow, OK. Well first off, your spouse is apparently full of what comes out of the South-end of a North-bound horse. If she can't deal with the real you fine, but she doesn't get to decide for the kids and the grandkids.

@Jackie C.   I love your snark, except when it's directed at me, of course!   You are absolutely right in all of your post, but I do think this is the most important point -- "but she doesn't get to decide for the kids and the grandkids." 

 

Here are the two paths things can go down for Delcina:

 

(1)  Time and therapy soften wife's fear and self-righteousness.   Don't underestimate her fear, of many things.  Remember, this isn't about anything except your identity and how to deal with it.  Demand she be kind to you.  You better be kind to her.

 

(2)  Wife doesn't change.  As Jackie pointed out, she doesn't get to dictate your relationship to the kids.  Divorce sucks.  Either way (either if you bury your identity or if your relationship breaks down), a rough road for a while.  But she still doesn't get to use the kids against you.  And that will totally boomerang on her in the long run, that's par for the course when a parent tries to use the kids as emotional blackmail against an ex.  Especially if the kids like you better as a woman!  Please don't let fear dictate your actions.  Rational fear should inform your actions and help you make good choices.  "The only thing to fear, is fear itself" -- Franklin D. Roosevelt.

 

Also -- Give yourself (and your wife) some time.  I noticed you just changed your gender from "cross-dresser" to "transgender".  -- your mind is probably in a huge state of flux.  My mind was changing like a rushing river last spring.  A Wife's change in attitude will take even longer than your own self-discovery.

 

The fact that process is a long road is practically the only single characteristic we share here, because we have to rip our minds apart, destroy all of our prejudices, and make friends with our new personality.

 

Warmly,

Grace

 

P.S.  I started out with Gender: non-binary and then realized later that non-binary was not feminine enough.  In my mind, my identity is getting to be quite well defined now.  But I still haven't figured out what role I want to present to the world, or even why I would want the world to know I am a woman -- but we're all different in that respect.

P.P.S.  Re: God.  My mother told me that there are two types of religious people.  First, the type who believe that everyone is going to heaven.  The other type is the ones who think only they are going to heaven and if you got in, they wouldn't want to have any part of it.  I have great faith about which group is actually damned.

 

 

 

[Charlize]

I'm happy you are looking at therapy.  My wife also insisted and i said great but no conversion therapy and insisted on someone who knew about gender issues.  She helped both of us.  Me to understand myself and my wife to understand the issue.

I'd have your GT recommend the couples therapist.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Delcina B]

7 hours ago, GraceH said:

@Jackie C.   I love your snark, except when it's directed at me, of course!   You are absolutely right in all of your post, but I do think this is the most important point -- "but she doesn't get to decide for the kids and the grandkids." 
 

Thank you Jackie & Grace!

Putting my relationship with my children & grandchildren in proper perspective helped me a lot.

 

Grace, I can imagine her fear having to process this after 35 years of marriage, what will her future hold & knowing her I believe, the fear of what other people will think. 

 

My biggest fear is/was losing my kids & grandkids. While it may happen in full or in part, as you both said doesn't because she says so.

 

Much more was offered here by all & I will have to digest it some more.

 

I am so grateful for the love & support I have found here!

 

Thank you!

Delcina

[GraceH]

@Delcina B  Dear Delcina,

 

I wanted to soften up a bit after sleeping in it.  I have a very very short fuse with abusors.   When someone threatens you out of fear, it is a little hard to understand whether it is abuse or not, it depends on the history, but I tend to get a little up-in-arms.

 

But you have the right of it.  Dealing with her fear and dealing with yourself and dealing with the kids are three separate issues, to be taken one at a time.  Divide and conquer!

 

I'm out to my daughter, a non-event.  I haven't talked to my son, but it won't matter.  I don't lie or hide things from my partner.  Her fear is about safety and coming out to the world, perfectly reasonable, because those are my fears too.  Her fears have made me slow down a lot and that's probably a good thing.  So, take your own road and I'd say walk it as peacefully as you can, for your own peace and your partner's peace.

 

Two things are true and hard to manage together.  This is not about your wife.  Bringing her along with you on the journey is hard work and may require you to be a better spouse than you ever have been.  Look, in a long marriage, you know as well as I do that you have to renegotiate once in a while.  This one is just a little different than in the past!  LOL.  But it could lead to a better place.

 

--Grace--

 

P.S.  Here's something I say to younger couples who are just getting to a hard patch, "Every seven or ten years, you're going to have a different marriage.  It might be to the same person."  -- If you've lasted 35 years, I think you understand.