Happy Girl Dancing

[Charlize]

The ouchie feelings shouldn't be far off.  Just watch out for half open doors.  

Glad works going well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[JustineM]

On 7/18/2021 at 6:18 AM, Charlize said:

The ouchie feelings shouldn't be far off.  Just watch out for half open doors.  

Glad works going well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Well the ouchies started about a week after this lol. Not much actual growth this last month but they do seem to be defined and shaped more. 
 

My wife seems to be trying to acknowledge my transition more. She made a comment the other day when I was trying on a pants suit, “Well you’re not a man.”  It’s kinda funny, even a couple years ago I would have been so p!ssed at a comment like. 
 

Then Friday night, I had a REALLY bad day at work (route was a 15 hr day) so I called her when I left and talked til I walked in the door to help me stay awake) I hung up as I came through the door and she made a comment “you hung up on me, I should cut your [email protected] off.” (This was said in complete jest) I just looked at her and deadpan “Well then I wouldn’t have to take the Spiro!” We had a good laugh over it. 
 

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the GCS surgeries. On the one hand I feel like I would like to pursue them, on the other the very thought of any kind of surgery scares the living poo out of me. I just…. don’t know. 

[Lexi C]

Your looking Fab Justine  congrats

You always have such a positive attitude 

much lv 

Lexi

[Susan R]

16 hours ago, JustineM said:

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the GCS surgeries. On the one hand I feel like I would like to pursue them, on the other the very thought of any kind of surgery scares the living poo out of me. I just…. don’t know. 

Justine, I had the same way of thinking back when I first started HRT. The idea of surgery was always ‘top of mind’ but the thought of any pain like that was unimaginable. After all, I’m a “fragile flower”, according to one of my friends here..lol

 

In my case, the fear slowly went away as the need to become my true self became more important and the goal more attainable. This may happen to you as well and I think in time you will know if it’s needed or not.

 

Its nice to see that the HRT regimen is starting to do it’s job. Those little changes in your body are wonderful indicators that you’re on your way. I’m very happy for you.

 

My Best,

Susan R

[JustineM]

Thanks @Lexi C I try to be positive, but I don't always succeed.  Your looking pretty fab yourself. 
 

Thanks @Susan R. I definitely feel a lot better since I started 

[JustineM]

Been a while since Ive been on here, should check in more took me an hour just to catch up on the coffee thread lol. 
 

So had a consult with Milan Laser today, have my first appointment set for 4 weeks. Nice thing is I was approved for financing plus a discount promotion. The manager complimented my complexion, then when I told her my sister managed a spa and sent me stuff she called me a cheater lol. 
 

Had my follow up with my endocrinologist today. My T levels are down to 68 and my E levels are up to 91. So they left my spiro at -redacted- and upped my estradiol up to -redacted-.  (I’ve been reading a lot of Tom Clancy CIA novels lately. Can you tell?)

[JustineM]

TW: abuse

 

Its amazing how many things I’ve repressed or thought I’ve moved passed that have come back to the surface since I’ve started HRT. I’m still trying to process the latest revelation, so please forgive me if the post seems a little disjointed.

 

Back when I was in high school my Dad was engaged to this woman. Her household was her, 2 kids (daughter and son), her daughters fiancé and a family “friend”. Dads fiancé, I’ll call her D, always treated me like crap. Ran me down, insulted me every chance and blamed me for everything her son did. Even so far as when I was drug down to see her parents with them I would get screamed at for going up to my room while she was getting ready because she wanted to run around half naked. Her son was the way anything he thought he could get away with was blamed on me, and if I tried to tell the truth I was threatened with a beating. Not that anyone would have believed me. 
 

Her daughter, was actually the only decent one in the bunch. Occasionally she would make some snarky comments but on the whole she would treat me like an actual human being. The daughters fiancé on the other hand, would constantly be in my face insulting me, if I didn’t do what he wanted it was “Do it or I’ll kick your %^*.” If I did something he didn’t like “I’ll kick your @&$” If I got upset… well you get the picture.  
 

Just an example: we all took a trip to a river in Missouri, can’t remember the name. The first day on the river…. was awful. Was basically off by myself on my tube, insults and ridicule thrown anytime I came close. When we were at the cabin I was forced to sleep out on the porch, because there “wasn’t enough room inside.” The first night I also got screamed at for attempting to get out of the kitchen while they were cooking dinner. My Dad saw how miserable I was and bought a snorkel set for me. Second day was pretty much entirely underwater. Only had to deal with pretty fish and they didn’t talk to me. 
 

Not long after that was when the “friend” came into the picture. He was actually the worst of the bunch, not only was he just as mentally abusive as the rest, he actually got physical. If I didn’t agree or do what he wanted, he would grab my chest so his fingers would get under the pec muscle and twist. Just never when my Dad was around. 
 

I never told my Dad about any of this and frankly I’m surprised he didn’t he didn’t see the signs. He was one of Southern Illinois top DCFS investigators at the time. Maybe he just didn’t want to see it. And I really don’t  want to bring it up to him now and cause him guilt over it. 
 

I have however reached out and talked to my older sister about it and one of my closest friends. I also discussed it in greater detail with my wife. I don’t have a therapist at the moment, so I’m doing what I can. 
 

Side note: thank the Goddess, they broke up many years ago so I don’t have to deal with that psychotic bi…. never mind.  Sorry this is so long winded, but I really needed to get this out. 

[Susan R]

Hey @JustineM , That had to be one miserable experience you had. It’s no wonder you’d try to bury it. I’m sorry you had to go through that year after year. I’m sure you cringed every time you had something planned. I can’t say I had an experience like that but the good news is–you got through it. If you’re still haunted by it, I would try to get some counseling down the road. It shows us just how important both good communication and openness with our children are especially while they're young and vulnerable as your were.

 

*Hugs*

Susan R

[JustineM]

Well this is interesting. I took the plunge and posted a pic of the true me on Facebook. Apparently several of my wife’s family have contacted one of my brother-in-laws asking HIM what’s going on with ME. So he called my wife this evening and just asked. She explained and he was pretty accepting, apparently with works with a woman that has fully transitioned with surgery and all. The funny part was he told us that Becky’s Aunt Cathy wanted to know what was going on and what lipstick I was wearing in the picture. Sad part is I have somehow ended up with so many different lipsticks I can’t remember exactly which one it was! 
 

He also asked if I planned on pursuing surgery, Becky said that I was still on the fence about it but she thought I was leaning toward yes. I don’t know myself, there’s days where I want to, there’s days where I wish it could be done right that instant, and then there’s days where I get terrified of the idea of inflicting that much pain on myself. 
 

Here’s the profile picture, it was taken at the wedding I performed a couple weeks ago.

 

[JustineM]

Oh I should point out that I wasn’t the one that did my makeup that day. My friends 16 y/o daughter did it for me. She is an absolutely amazing makeup artist and just an awesome person. She has been my go to makeup guru when I have questions or need advice on makeup. 

[Charlize]

She did a great job!  If you get her to tell you what she is doing it may well serve you well in the future.  I still remember my sister in law saying "blend, blend and then blend a bit more".

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

You look lovely Justine!!

[JustineM]

Thank you Jani. 
 

@Charlize she has been my makeup instructor from day 1. Her folks were among the first group of people I came out to. She happened to o er hear and came bouncing over “Your trans? When can I do your makeup?!” She is so incredibly talented and a really good teacher. 

[JustineM]

Well apparently no one can call or message me to ask questions anymore. Found out that my Aunt saw my new profile picture and called my Sister. I can understand that it would be a somewhat awkward way to open a conversation but seriously, why the heck can’t anyone just ask me? I didn’t think I was that much of an a-hole. 

[Charlize]

I doubt that it is your problem.  People find a need to avoid awkward conversations and while you may have "stepped out of line" it is ups to others to accept that.  Watch out what you wish for.  When the questions started coming i got sick of explaining myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest]

You nailed it. They look natural!

Sincerely

Katie

[JustineM]

Wow already 6 1/2 months on my antcistamines. Where has the time gone? Seen quite a bit of change mostly in the body hair dept. I have been visited by the boob fairy finally. Still not quite an A cup but definitely some there. I’m kinda thinking that a BA will be in my future. But until then I’m just happy to have something at least. 
 

The stress part- in just under a month we will be traveling down to Illinois to see family. Pretty much everyone knows by this point, my MIL knows and supports but has never seen me as Justine. My Mom on the other hand………. still has no idea I started HRT. She has made it rather clear that she does not like or support the steps I’ve taken. I’m afraid that seeing her will be extremely awkward at minimum and possibly a disaster, because even with a snug sports bra I can’t exactly hide the growth anymore. I just wish I could get her to understand that this was literally life or death for me. 
 

pardon me while I do my Home Alone impression…. AAAAAHHHHHHHH! 

[Susan R]

4 hours ago, JustineM said:

I can’t exactly hide the growth anymore. I just wish I could get her to understand that this was literally life or death for me. 

I hope in time she comes to understand just how important it is to you. You are your best advocate. Months or years of some good heart to heart chats might change things. Crazier things have happened. Have you thought of having her sit in with you during a few counseling sessions? Down the line, your mom might become receptive to it especially when she realizes it doesn’t go away like a cold. It also helps sometimes to hear it from a professional viewpoint. Just a thought.

 

My Best,

Susan R

[Charlize]

I'm glad you are seeing progress.  As mine grew i felt a wave of comfort with myself. Maybe it is simply knowing that I'm doing all i can and can learn to accept where i am.   Hopefully your mother will come around in time.  My son and my wife both had long periods of adjustment.  After all i've always known and they didn't.  Today my gender is only rarely an issue.  Hopefully you will find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Artpetal]

I know what you mean about not being able to cover it up! It makes me so happy! My mother noticed once when she hugged me (I don't often let her do that because she prevented me from transitioning early). She pulled away because she knew and it was gratifying that she didn't make any comments afterwards denying the plain and obvious. PERSONALLY speaking, I have finally put my mother in a dunce cap in my own mind because she was not a good person - even though at one time I wanted to call her mommy and have her love me. But she's just my mother and we all eventually outgrow what our parents think. I felt relief for you when you said your mother in law was supportive.

[JustineM]

15 hours ago, Susan R said:

Have you thought of having her sit in with you during a few counseling sessions? Down the line, your mom might become receptive to it especially when she realizes it doesn’t go away like a cold.

I wish this were possible, but I live over 200 miles away from her now. I don’t think she would drive all this way for a therapy session with me. 
 

Biggest issue I’m facing with her is that she is a devout and very strict Christian. She wouldn’t even have Christmas trees until I was nearly a teen because of the pagan origins. 
please don’t think I’m bashing her or any other Christian. I know not all of them are as hard headed as Mom. At least I know where I get it from  

[JustineM]

Finally got ahold of my bio-mother, and I realized something weird. In the last 7 months since I started HRT (holy crap 7 months already!) every time I talk to her she asks how much my boobs have grown. I figure she is excited at the idea of actually having a daughter but it’s a little weird. 

[JustineM]

Wow so much has happened today! Had my  follow up with endocrine today. She is switching me from pill estrogen to patches since my levels were barely in the range. Found that I’ve managed to lose 5 lbs with my workout regimen. Then she suggested that I should look into consult for GCS surgeries and gave me the names of the 3 local surgeons that perform gender surgeries. As much as I want to start planning and working for them it also scares the hell out of me. And finally on the way home I happened to look down and realized I’ve actually developed enough to have some cleavage, not a lot but enough. I actually started crying, not the best thing to do while you’re driving. 

[Mmindy]

2 minutes ago, JustineM said:

Found that I’ve managed to lose 5 lbs with my workout regimen. Then she suggested that I should look into consult for GCS

Happy Dancing and Working Out with you. Congratulations on your progress, and take time to consider and plan your opinions for GCS. You’re in control of the time line. 
 

Hugs,

 

Mindy

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, JustineM said:

Wow so much has happened today! Had my  follow up with endocrine today. She is switching me from pill estrogen to patches since my levels were barely in the range. Found that I’ve managed to lose 5 lbs with my workout regimen. Then she suggested that I should look into consult for GCS surgeries and gave me the names of the 3 local surgeons that perform gender surgeries. As much as I want to start planning and working for them it also scares the hell out of me. And finally on the way home I happened to look down and realized I’ve actually developed enough to have some cleavage, not a lot but enough. I actually started crying, not the best thing to do while you’re driving. 

I’m happy for you and your cleavage.