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Happy Girl Dancing


JustineM

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12 hours ago, Erica Gabriel said:

I’m happy for you and your cleavage. 

I shouldn’t have read that while drinking coffee. Now it’s all over the place, lol! 

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32 minutes ago, JustineM said:

Now it’s all over the place, lol! 

Spit Take Humor is the best.

 

:coffee:😉

 

🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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Well got my patches today. Got the small Sandoz patches. Hopefully these will bring my levels higher with no issues. Supposed to visit the vampires in about a month. 
 

Just wish I could get out of my head, I am SO scared about next weekend. I really shouldn’t be, it’s family, but I am. 

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Oh my gosh! I finally wore a women's swimsuit in public! Just a one piece but still! I did it!

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That’s great Justine, what a monumental milestone. I’m so happy for you. 🏊‍♀️

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13 hours ago, Artpetal said:

Congrats! I love one piece bathing suits even more than bikinis.

 

Me too. For two words: Tummy control.

 

Also they cover up the scars and stretch marks better.

 

Hugs!

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Well it so happy girl tonight. In fact an incredibly heartbroken girl. I told my Mom about the HRT and it went about as bad as I expected. Started with the you’ll never be anything but “deadname” and son to me. Then started throwing my wife and boys in my face. Wanted to know what me and Becky will do outside of just being married to each other. Then proceeded to tell me that if she had known that this would happen she never would have married us. (She is a retired pastor and performed my wedding for us) I never expected it to go well but for her to say she would never have married us, I’m just completely heartbroken. 

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3 hours ago, JustineM said:

Well it so happy girl tonight. In fact an incredibly heartbroken girl. I told my Mom about the HRT and it went about as bad as I expected. Started with the you’ll never be anything but “deadname” and son to me. Then started throwing my wife and boys in my face. Wanted to know what me and Becky will do outside of just being married to each other. Then proceeded to tell me that if she had known that this would happen she never would have married us. (She is a retired pastor and performed my wedding for us) I never expected it to go well but for her to say she would never have married us, I’m just completely heartbroken. 

I really don’t understand how people who love you can say such horrible things. I’m sorry she reacted that way. Will she calm down and come around?

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3 hours ago, JustineM said:

I told my Mom about the HRT

Honesty is almost always best and it can be very freeing despite the reaction it can sometimes cause. I congratulate you on having the courage it takes to tell your mom especially understanding the unlikelihood of getting a positive response. Yeah…She’s throwing daggers at you right now but this doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you now. She is simply acting out of anger.

 

3 hours ago, JustineM said:

but for her to say she would never have married us, I’m just completely heartbroken.

We tend to hurt and strike back at those closest to us when we can’t stop or control a situation. Just take it with a grain of salt. Throwing knives back at her will never help in situations like these. That’s where relationships start to fail. Keeping the communication civil is very hard after hearing that…I’m sure of it. You’re on the high ground, Justine. Stay there hon and you’ll at least have a chance to work on the relationship down the road.

 

I know it’s a hard place to be but it’s a temporary thing…know that we are all rooting for you!!

 

Susan R🌷

 

 

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Your mother is projecting. I'm sorry. If it's at all possible, please feel better about what she told you.

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11 hours ago, JustineM said:

Well it so happy girl tonight. In fact an incredibly heartbroken girl. I told my Mom about the HRT and it went about as bad as I expected. Started with the you’ll never be anything but “deadname” and son to me. Then started throwing my wife and boys in my face. Wanted to know what me and Becky will do outside of just being married to each other. Then proceeded to tell me that if she had known that this would happen she never would have married us. (She is a retired pastor and performed my wedding for us) I never expected it to go well but for her to say she would never have married us, I’m just completely heartbroken. 

 

This sort of thing rubs me the wrong way. Here you are, being vulnerable and looking for love from your mother. She's got this glorious opportunity to hold you close, deepen your bond and see you happy.

 

Instead she pulls that. Ugh.

 

I'm sorry sweetie. You didn't deserve any of that. You're glorious and your star will shine so very bright.

 

Hugs!

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Thank you for the support everybody. I knew she wouldn’t be very supportive but I never expected the wedding comment. I think that’s what hurts the most. I talked to my sister last night afterwards and she thinks that mom is blaming herself for everything and sees my life as a reflection of her. I’m hanging on right now, thankfully I have an amazing wife. She definitely helped me last night. 
 

Apparently she talked to my brother last night, found that while he is trying to be supportive he also feels like he is losing a brother. So it’s hard for him to make the switch. Between Moms favoritism toward the cis-daughters and our oldest brother that committed suicide several years ago I can kind of understand where he’s coming from. 

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Well home and still trying to wrap my head around this weekend. I guess I’m still kind of in shock about the whole thing. It hasn’t really fully sunk in, I just don’t know do I confront her about, just not talk to her for a while? 
 

I do love what my wife said though, Mom married us 11 years ago and it’s to late for her to change it. I think I will do my makeup tomorrow. I am NOT going to let this keep me down. Justine will NOT go back in her closet. I will work this out at least for me and keep my head high. 

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1 hour ago, JustineM said:

Justine will NOT go back in her closet.

Good for you, Justine. Only you can make that decision…no one should be allowed to control another person like that. She’s your Mom and just because she isn't giving you the support you need, shouldn’t change you. You deserve to be happy and be yourself!!

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Not a very good day today. Everything finally sunk in and hit me all at once. I’ve been crying off and on all day. Feeling really really down. Trying to distract myself by cooking dinner but it’s not really working all that well. 
I posted a thing on fb about feeling down and could people tell me some things they like about me to help cheer me up. I know kind of a shameless plug for myself but eh.  The comments on it so far have been so sweet and uplifting. One of my sisters commented on there and made me cry again (in a good way) one of my other sisters saw it and immediately called me. It’s helped some but I still feel awful right now.

At least I can still focus enough to keep my fingers out from under the knife lol. 

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Starting to feel a little better today. I keep reminding myself that the majority of my family supports me and that’s a big deal. I’ll just have to deal with Mom as it comes. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well it’s been an interesting week so far. Got to work Monday and found that my new ID came in. Unfortunately due to the nature of my job I still have to have my legal name on there but I did have my picture updated at least. A couple clients made comments over the last couple of months that I don’t look anything like my old picture anymore lol. 
 

The dysphoria is still bad but it’s at least calmed down enough that I’m not crying myself to sleep at the moment. I haven’t talked to Mom since we got back from our trip yet, so I’m not really sure where we stand there.

 

Yesterday I had to work a different route and now I have customers on both routes demanding that my boss put me on their route because they prefer my service over some of my co workers.

 

Today I thought was going to be rough. I got woken up about 4:30 this morning with a knee to the kidney, my youngest was apparently having nightmares and came down to sleep with me and my wife. Couldn’t get back to sleep so ended up getting up early. Had time to do my hair and  light makeup and went into work early. And ended up having a wonderfully smooth route. Finished nearly an hour and a half earlier than usual. Several comments throughout the day referring to me as “the money lady” or “I thought she was a cop” 

 

But this chick is bone tired and ready to inspect the back of my eyelids. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Came in today and found this on the board. 5 years with Garda. It feels really good that the boss wrote it like that.

8D673909-A611-4A07-8BA2-73FD7F094539.jpeg

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  • 2 weeks later...

So interesting thing happened today. Usually doing my makeup is both a euphoria AND a dysphoria trigger for me. Euphoria in that I can see the smooth skin and feel pretty when I get it right. Dysphoria in that when I can’t get it right I feel like like the south end of a north bound cow. As well, at the end of the day, when I clean it off it usually involves tears because I have to look into the mirror and see male features. For the first time, this evening, when I took off my makeup I looked in the mirror and I could actually see her. I wasn’t seeing only masculine I was actually seeing femininity. All the pills and laser treatments and anxiety I’ve been through these last months, I am finally seeing Justine in the mirror. 
 

Now I’m crying again, but for a different reason.

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1 hour ago, JustineM said:

For the first time, this evening, when I took off my makeup I looked in the mirror and I could actually see her.

Yeah, Justine! Eventually, like you just experienced, the view of your old self starts to fade and the new you starts to appear more frequently in the mirror without makeup. I’m sure when you go back and look at old photos you can see those changes with and without makeup. I’m happy that you’re experiencing this. It’s a great feeling!

 

*Hugs*,

Susan R🌷

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  • 3 weeks later...

Oh my Goddess! What a week!  So to start the day before the Transgender day of visibility I decided since I ain’t going back in the closet, I’m going to kick the door off. Wrote a coming out post and put it on Facebook. I thought I might have some issues because I have a lot of very conservative friends on there. Nope the responses were overwhelmingly positive. The funny part was, as I was reading the comments I started tearing up, my wife jumped all over it wanting to k ow who had posted what that upset me. I think she was ready to jump through the Net and pummel someone. 
 

The next day for Day of Visibility I got up early enough so I could do a full makeup look for work for the first time. Again many positive comments, including one lady that wanted to know what kind of hot date I had after work lol. Though one customer was a tad disappointed, I had said something about doing a Goth look this week and didn’t.

 

Today we went and visited the Mitchell Domes here in Milwaukee. The staff ther was nothing less than affirming, gendered me properly the entire visit. Even when I had to use the restroom was affirming, was washing my hands afterwards and the only look I got was to compliment my hair. 
 

Just been an incredibly affirming week that has this girl completely worn out but riding a gender euphoria high! 

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  • 1 month later...

Well, with the events at work the last few week made me realize something. The last several years I’ve just been doing what I have to to provide for my family. That’s why I genuinely don’t like my jobs after a while. I feel like I NEED to get back to truly meaningful work, helping people. I spent 10 years in EMS and, bad calls aside, it felt so dang good to be able to be there for somebody. I want to do something like that again. So I applied to the Trevor Project over the weekend. Haven’t heard anything yet but it’s only been 2 days.  Hoping I can get back into something I can be truly passionate about again. 

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