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Have you made peace with your past?


Heather Shay

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The pain from many traumas in my life still haunts me - I am trying to let go and not just continue to keep it in. How about you? Can you let go of past pains and disappointments?

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I am not sure what the future is going to hold regarding my ability to let go of my traumas. Right now, I am facing the problem as I come out more, that there are people who had conditional love, not unconditional love which brings back memories of traumas from growing up. I have been working really hard to get past the traumas, but I am finding it insurmountable at times because I can’t seem to shake the negative talk. I am struggling in some ways, but in other ways I am becoming more at peace with the fact that the people who are staying seem to be there for me. I still go through phases though where I am scared people are going to just disappear on me.

 

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I've had plenty of cringe moments - and they still make me cringe.

But I think I have been able to move on from most of them.   Often, I just shake my head, and go about my business.

 

But one thing I still have trouble with is my marriage.  It broke before I opened my Trans-Pandora's box, but it was most of my life up till then.  I don't regret it, and am grateful for my kids who have been very (for the most part) supportive.

 

But I can't help wondering what would have happened if I had realized what my gender issues were at the time.  I was really at a questioning place, but didn't even realize that being transgender was a thing.  For me my fem tendencies were something to hide.  For a time I wondered if I was gay, but nope.

 

But back to my marriage… My ex has moved on, has a new boyfriend etc.  But me, less so.  She was not surprised when I came out to her.  In retrospect she had been dropping hints about it for awhile.  At the time I thought that the breakup was my fault, but now I'm not so sure.  Now I sometimes feel like I was abandoned in a way, but I feel bad about thinking that.  Guess there's two sides to everything.

 

I don't know If I have it in me to start over at my age.  But I don't really have a choice.

 

Sorry if I rattled on a bit.

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For the most part I have, there is still work to do. I see a therapist to help me thru it, but it is something I have worked on for years. 

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I let go as much as possible, but I'm sure sub consciously I am still holding onto something.   But for the majority of things I'm just accepting them as they are.  I can't change the past so I just move forward and try to be a better person today.   So I am still reconciling my past but for the most part I have attempted to make peace with the choices I have made through my life. 

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   Before I was 30yrs old I was sweet, introverted and low T.   after a couple times close to death, I pulled on Kevlar armadillo skin, grew 2 long middle fingers, and a shoot first, ask questions later mouth.   That would be like going from Awesome Clare to The Terminator.   I want to get back to that purity, but my mind keeps reminding me I almost died there.   I have made peace with my past, but I am still struggling with how much I can let my guard down as I go forward as female.   Thank you all for accepting me here.

 

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Work in progress. One of the many, many reasons I talk to my therapist every week instead of calling home. I've got regrets, but most days they don't bother me so much anymore. I'm trying to be more forward-facing.

 

Hugs!

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4 hours ago, Willow Farmer said:

   Before I was 30yrs old I was sweet, introverted and low T.   after a couple times close to death, I pulled on Kevlar armadillo skin, grew 2 long middle fingers, and a shoot first, ask questions later mouth.   That would be like going from Awesome Clare to The Terminator.   I want to get back to that purity, but my mind keeps reminding me I almost died there.   I have made peace with my past, but I am still struggling with how much I can let my guard down as I go forward as female.   Thank you all for accepting me here.

 

Aw I am pure and sweet? <blush> Interesting thing about that, when I was younger the Terminator was one of my role models (T2 mostly) and I would try to be like him, I wanted to be powerful and emotionless, it's a theme that is strong in my trauma narrative.

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@AmberM (Amber in particular - everyone else who responded as well) - my therapist is trying ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) with me and gave me exercises and asked me to stop saying I feel good or bad and dig down to the true root emotion. I've managed to compartmentalize so much in my life I locked out emotions and learned to avoid them. I do feel I've made a break through of sorts in that I recognize that when I received conditional love (Amber - I especially saw it when my first divorce came and so many so-called friends walked away). I also know I've been harboring resentment, jealousy, detachment, anger, frustration and avoidance to somehow convince myself I was protecting me when in fact I was causing further internal damage. I am hopeful now that I'm no longer HIDING and with 9 months HRT and a wonderful therapist who "gets it and gets me" and I've never been more hopeful that I will let go of the past and past pain and move to happiness. I can't truly love others until I love myself - and I'm getting there.

 

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Yes, I have pretty much made peace with my past.  There were some cringe-worthy moments, but they are ancient history. 

 

There was one incident - sexual assault - that I would call traumatic.  If you had asked me ten years ago, I'd say I'd left that behind, too: locked it away, thrown away the key, boarded it over, etc.  That's what guys do, isn't it? 

 

But as I learned to be my true self, and stuff from the past started to surface and make sense, that one popped up, too.  I have released all the emotions resulting from it, so it doesn't actively bother me.  But I do get triggered by plot lines on TV that involve sexual assault or exploitation.

 

I don't think that is a bad thing.  It is a lot healthier than what I was trying to do in guy mode, which was to sweep it under the rug.

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I've gone through so many layers of trauma, and it's interesting that this post happened today.  I created a blog entry this morning that felt like a bit of a wreck itself, but it was like a Hollywood style wreck.  Every second of it planned and intentional.  It's called "Flying Dandelions by the end".  I ended up re-posting it on a new account I have made on a blog site.  I feel in so many ways like I'm in 1997 again.  My childhood was un-necessarily traumatizing, and I always say I have had just a little bit of it all. So much so that it's hard to actually make a list without forgetting one or three.

I'm moving on from there.  I have finally been able to pull all of myself together.  Writing it a million times, and seeing the heartbreak inside of me was so sad and so often confusing and conflicted.  Yet now I finally feel the sense of clarity that I've been yearning for.

I wrote on that same blog that I just created, and I may re-post it as the second entry on the one I've made here this morning. 

 

Quote

"Soul Reboot"

This morning I tried to write everything and trying brought something up to the surface. A while after I finished writing that entry on another forum and then posted it here, I started drawing, literally "drawing" conclusions. Shapes, it might be the light language of some kind or Starseed -crap- I don't know.

I felt like something massive was shifting and as I wrote that I got a vision of the energy of my soul doing a total 'reboot'. Everything I've been trying to pull together was flashed through me from the surface all the way through the center of the core and then back to the top again. It's not the first time I've had a wave-like this go through me but it is the first time I've seen it. 

Everything I've ever been was just flash-pointed and synchronized. I am now able to calmly think and describe what I wish to.

 

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3 hours ago, AwesomeClaire said:

, when I was younger the Terminator was one of my role models (T2 mostly) and I would try to be like him, I wanted to be powerful and emotionless

I just loved T2.   Do you still have issues with resorting to that safe spot when you feel insecure, I do.  I have a handle on most everything else, but even with a strong partner I find myself capable of too much "protective mode". 

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3 hours ago, Willow Farmer said:

I just loved T2.   Do you still have issues with resorting to that safe spot when you feel insecure, I do.  I have a handle on most everything else, but even with a strong partner I find myself capable of too much "protective mode". 

I could also run super fast so I liked to be T-1000 haha. Hm, that is a good question. I think thru my trauma work it has lessened quite a lot over the years, but it was still pretty heavy most of my 20s. I also kind of flipped and became the opposite for a while, where I was very weak and helpless. That is mostly turned around now tho, I am feeling stronger again and more in touch with my feelings, as much as I can be with my autism.

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2 hours ago, AwesomeClaire said:

became the opposite for a while, where I was very weak and helpless.

I never really thought of my self as weak and helpless, but if you are quiet and private sometimes people stomp all over you until you find yourself rating yourself that way. 

   I probably have autism, but I have over ranging emotion that is hard to manage.   It is the world I live in and it is what it is.   I don't feel broken and need fixing, just guidance to calmly interact with others.   Here is an interesting article maybe you haven't read.  They don't say autistic, but "emotionally intense and highly sensitive person".   https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202008/gifted-adult-therapy-the-wounds-being-too-intense 

   I feel the most comfortable around TMI people that are positive and trying to figure something out or build something.   It is like chasing a deer through the forest, wide open throttle.   I hope your life works out fantastic! You are young and have so much going for you.

 

   ---WILLOW---

 

 

 

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16 hours ago, Shay said:

 How about you? Can you let go of past pains and disappointments?

 

In a word, no.  I am 67 and the older I get the more I dwell on all the stupid, embarrassing, hurtful and shameful things I've done and said.  Many are things that I will never forgive myself for, others were just poor decision making.  I've had success in my life, but those other things mar how I ought to feel about the good stuff.  I know I should get therapy for it, and maybe I will.  But I think that letting it eat me up is my way of punishing myself.  I've grown from some mistakes and not made them a second time, but other foolishness I've repeated over and over.

 

This is one of those threads that really makes you think, and that's a good thing, Shay.  Thanks for asking the hard questions. 

 

There is a song written by Jackson Browne called "These Days."  The last line goes,

"Please don't confront me with my failures; I have not forgotten them." 

 

Carolyn Marie

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I am not doing so well to be honest. I tried off myself 3 weeks ago. I keep mis gendering myself, people keep mis gendering  me,  and past was no price either. Actually the only good memories i have are from age 7- 15 and its has being downhill since. 

Therapist keep tell me to be kinda to myself, But i keep thinking of all pain I am going through just to live my true self and i keep asking myself is it worth it,,,I don't know...

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By and large - yes. There are many things I could have done better but things from the past have shaped the present and I am here and relatively in a good position. There were many things that happened which came very close to making things far worse (like being a bit silly and extreme on my bikes over the years) and others which may have made things better but who can tell?

 

Work for the future as we cannot change the past.

 

Tracy

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I have made peace with my past for the most part.  There are things in my past which have caused a lot of trauma resulting in cPTSD, but even those issues no longer control me the way they used to.  I started drinking when I was around 10 years old, drug use started around 13 or 14 years old.  I was diagnosed as an  alcoholic and drug addict by the time I was  21 years old.  In my years of active addiction, I did things that I regretted deeply, and that regret and shame fueled the addiction even more.  I have been clean from drugs since 1988, and sober from alcohol again since November of 2018.  I am at a point now that I don't regret my past, as it is just that, the past.  I don't want to relive it, nor do I want to  forget it anymore.  Everything that I did, and everything that I went trough happened to make me the person that I am today, and that person does not resemble who I used to be.  living in the past, traps you there.  My past is the road I had to travel to get to where I am now.

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2 hours ago, MiraM said:

My past is the road I had to travel to get to where I am now.

True.

So many things I've had to learn the hard way… And I'm a slow learner.

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Since I began my current recovery from Alcohol and prescription drug abuse 12 and a half years ago I have gotten to where I take the same approach that @MiraMdescribes in her post.  A maxim in 12 step programs is that "we will not regret the past, nor wish to close our minds to it" because we are here even inspite of all of it or more likely because of it.  If we have changed (amended) our lives and behavior from that past and are grateful for those changes then we have no reason to regret them.  If we still do, then, yes, counseling  is a very needed thing to do and without the deep shame that some of us first approached Therapy with.  Surprisingly to me, since Transitioning, some of the regrets my old self felt the worst about, and that that self felt as failures can actually be seen as times of admirable strength and true character.  I would never have seen those successes without seeing them as my own true history. 

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Going through three counsellors, I decided not to share all things with all of them. It seemed to upset them more than me!  After describing my emotional state as a large dam that was starting to give way to a large body of emotions trapped on the other side and worrying about the little happy villages below, it was suggested to leave those emotions alone for now. keep moving forward with the things I can shape and change rather than being terrified of the past and the things I can't. Concentrate on the Transition. Live in the hear and now. The past made me who I am, but it hasn't made me who I'm going to be.

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I have also dammed up my emotions but my therapist strongly believes in ACT (acceptance commitment therapy) and facings your traumas and learning to let them be there but not domineering. It turned on the light bulb for me and a new break through that is actually really helping. I think I will be able to be at peace with my past finally.

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1 hour ago, Shay said:

I have also dammed up my emotions but my therapist strongly believes in ACT (acceptance commitment therapy) and facings your traumas and learning to let them be there but not domineering. It turned on the light bulb for me and a new break through that is actually really helping. I think I will be able to be at peace with my past finally.

Great to hear you are making progress with it.

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Sensei Mark came to the front of the room, before the big American and Japanese flags. Between them was a picture.  "I am honored to introduce to you Sensei Bob.  He is a second Dan black belt.  He has actually beaten me in tournaments.  I have known him through tournaments.  You will listen to him as you listen to me.   Sensei Bob, take the class. The two sensei bowed to each other.  Sensei Bob pointed out that Sensei Mark had beaten him, as well. Taylor was sort of standing against the back wall, scrunched up, a mouse in her crisp new beltless gi.  Her t-shirt was off white underneath it and she was hoping no one would notice. "I am Sensei Mark. You are Taylor." "Yes, sensei!" she stood at attention and shouted it. He laughed.  "This is not Cobra Kai and we are not in a Karate Kind movie.  You do that here only between bows.  Bob tells me you are a complete beginner." "That is an understatement." "Here, let me fix your gi."  She had it on a little incorrectly.  She drew back. "What's the matter?" "I am pretty touchy." "Okay.  Untie the straps in front and tie them the other way, like mine." "I don't have a belt." "There. That is right. You will get a belt after three months and passing tests on kata, kumite and karate knowledge." "I don't know what that is." "And we touch a lot here.  Not romantically. You see how Sensei Bob is going around and adjusting people's stances and arm locations." "Yes, I see that." No enthusiasm. "You are Sensei Bob's girl, right?" "Yes.  What is important to him is important to me, so here I am."  He wished her well and told her to go see Margie, who handled registration at the little table. "Hi, I heard about you." Margie began. "What does that mean?" "It means we treat everyone here with respect.  That was the wrong way to start." "I'll say. Try again." "Good morning. How can I help you?" "I want to register for the beginner class." "You are Taylor, right?" "Right." "Sensei Bob paid for your lesson today." He would. She gave name, address, age, height, weight, and they came to gender. Margie asked it twice. "Put down female." "The only other choice is male." "Then that is it." "Earlier I was thinking about tournaments, which are big here. The rules are that boys fight boys and girls fight girls - there are Men's and Women's Divisions.  I know you look like a woman, but they go by the birth certificate." This was awkward.  Really awkward.  Down at the other end of the room they were moving in unison when Bob said HAI!, turning, punching, kicking, etc. "I don't plan to go to tournaments.  One step at a time, shall we?" "Okay.  And I meant it when I said respect.  We bow to each other.  You will see. As a sign of honoring other people." Margie bowed slightly, sitting down.  Taylor returned the bow and smiled. The class moved into sparring, breaking into twos and practicing moves against each other.  Bob was moving among the pairs, adjusting positions of hands, hips, feet.  Taylor was unsure about someone touching her like that, her hips particularly.    The green belt class ended as new students came in for the beginners' class. Down at the other end the brown belt class began.  The room was large enough you could do two classes at the same time.   The other beginners, nervous, lined up at Margie's table.  People got into gis, the men in their big area and only woman in the little restroom that was for them.   Sensei Mark greeted them and showed them where to stand: on the little x's on the floor. He explained the School Code.  They would recite it at the beginning of class and they needed to memorize it for the white belt test, at which time they would, of course, receive a white belt. He explained some terms.    They warmed up with some basic, easy stretches.   They learned a kata called Taikyoku Shodan, involving blocks, punches and some movements. This was not bad.   She was now paired off with Judy.  Things were going well and this was not too bad. Judy was sixty years old and had been told to exercise by her doctor.  Taylor said her boyfriend was teaching the other class, which was impressive, and he wanted her involved.   "You remember the gedan barai - downward block?"  They did. Everyone showed him and he went around and made sure everyone had it down. "And the lunge punch?"  They did. "Now we are going to put them together. One of you will punch and the other block it. Okay?"   Taylor squared off against Judy.  Her heart was pounding.  She practiced her gedan barai as Judy practiced her lower lunge punch.  Then they faced each other. "Okay, first partner, lunge punch.  Second partner, lower block.  Slowly.  Go!" Taylor saw the punch coming at her, but instead of blocking it her eyes welled up with tears and she dropped to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. "Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God, make it stop, make it stop" she shouted to parties unseen. Fetal position, rocking back and forth. Crying hysterically. "I didn't go near her," Judy said, bewildered. "Taylor?"  this was Sensei Bob.  Both classes had stopped and were looking at her. She kept crying. "I am here, "Bob told her, not touching.  "Oh Bob you need a wife who can be a real woman to you. I am making you into a monk or something." And she continued crying at full volume. "You need someone better than me, someone who can give you kids." Everyone could hear this.  They were turning away, trying to pretend they could not hear this. "I need to get her out of here and take her." Bob said, and he and Mark bowed to each other. He scooped her up and she bawled into his shoulder.  She clung to him.  First hug ever. Death grip, more like it. "Judy, would you get her things?" "I did nothing," Judy said, and moved towards the restroom, stunned.  "Nothing." "I know what she was wearing," Margie said, and got them. "I've got a gym bag. It 's red and it says Roosters on it. Can you get it? Mark got it.  He accompanied them to the car.  Taylor was non-stop crying deeply, clinging to him for dear life. Mark unlocked the car and together they managed to pry Taylor off of him, even though it took both of them to do it.  She was in the car seat and they managed to buckle her in it. "I am going to take you to your apartment," he said. "No. Emergency room," she said. "Maybe the psych ward."  He didn't doubt it. She calmed down in a few minutes on the way. "Well, that was embarrassing." "Everyone remembers their first day of karate class." "Bob, what I love about you is your sense of humor." "I love everything about you." "Even this?" "Yes. Even this." She managed to walk into the ER.  They were both still in gis. "Karate accident?" "No. I am Taylor and I am a nut. I wear a gi all the time. I make my boyfriend wear one, too." "She had a triggered event.  She's had some difficult times." "I see. Do you you know are bleeding?" "No."  Her crotch was wet with blood and the blood was seeping down both legs. She was wheeled away. "Sir, please wait here." He did.  He had no legal right to see her right now. After a while a nurse came out and said he could come on  back. There she was in a hospital gown.  "Seems like old times." "yeah.  We gotta stop meeting like this." The nurse buzzed around and left them. "They are running tests." "I bet they are." "I got an MRI. On a Saturday morning, too."  First ever. "You rate.  But why?" "They figure some of the old scar tissue - you know, from the- from the past - ripped open and they need to see what is going on." "We know what is going on,"said a doctor, stepping in. He looked at her. "I am Doctor Michaels.  They called me in.  I just happened to be in the building and they wanted me to see this and take the case.  My specialty is Disorders of Sexual Development. But what I am seeing is little in the way of disorder.  Look at this." They looked at the image. "This is a perfectly ordinary uterus." "Uterus?" "Yes, your uterus." "What?" "That is not all.  This is a cervix, and this is a vagina." "It's blocked up." "Yes.  It looks like you had surgery to do exactly that when you were an infant.  They used to do that." "This is me?" "You." "Really?" "I imagine this takes some getting used to. "Can it be undone?" "Absolutely. I mean, I cannot guarantee it, but it is more than likely. I would like to run some tests." "And the bleeding?" "It looks like the hormones you have been taking have kicked of a regular monthly cycle. Then you did a whole bunch of exercise.  Not surprising." "What?" "I want you to come to my office next week for follow-up.  Have you ever had a genetic test of any sort?" "No." "Well, your testes - one looks at first glance more like an ovary." "Ovary. Can I have kids?" "Too soon to tell.  You look happy." She did.  "Bob, you look stunned." "I am." "Given what happened earlier today we want to keep you overnight for observation.  I understand you are a trauma victim and something triggered it." "I got a punch thrown at me in kara-tay class, is all. I am a wimp." "Well, I will let you two talk for a minute and they will come and get you shortly.  No bad news here." "They are coming to take me away, hah-hah, they are coming to take me away," Taylor chanted. "Bob, I am not done with kara-tay.  I want to at least finish a first class. I mean, you paid for it and I want you to get your money's worth." "I think I got that." "Kiss me, you fool,"  she said, and he did, with energy.        
    • April Marie
      These arrived in yesterday's mail. I'm out working in the yard today so just old clothes. I'm looking forward to wearing this t-shirt dress when the weather warms up a bit more.  
    • missyjo
      Ashley I've known busty girls who wore b nice bras tl work n such then like a sift sports bra to lounge or sleep in hugs
    • missyjo
      your nails b hair came wonderful  congratulations  enjoy
    • Willow
      The one thing about this position, if you want more hours just wait and be flexible.  I’m now working until 7:30 pm instead of 4:30.  
    • Ashley0616
      I hope your head cold goes away soon! Sorry you have to cut grass with that.   Love the new t-shirt   I love that one.    What Jeep would you want to get? That is awesome about your wife getting better!
    • Ashley0616
      Welcome Mattie! I would recommend the first step is finding a gender therapist and see if you are or aren't. Then one of the biggest steps if you are do you want to start hormone replacement therapy. The decision should be thought long and hard. There are irreversible effects. Looking forward to your next post! Take care!
    • Ashley0616
      Congratulations on being able to pick up a cancellation! I hope to hear more updates about your transition. 
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