Looking for answers

[Beatriz]

Hello everyone! My name is Beatriz, I'm 48, and I'm new to the forum - which I discovered thorugh a Jackie Rabbit's YouTube video. First of all, thank you for making a place like this happen.

 

I've started questioning my gender about a month ago. It was not a gradual thing, but a realization, like a veil was removed and I could suddenly see clearly. I think I identify as a transgender woman (m2f). I'm experiencing a very confusing set of feelings. I'm thrilled because I have the impression that I have finally found myself. I'm angry / sad that I've realized so late in life; in hindsight, there were clear signs since my late childhood or early teens, but it seems I took the wrong turn at about 17 or 18, when I decided to play the role everyone expected. I'm scared about the process that could be about to start. And, above all, I am heartbroken because I'm quite sure that my girlfriend (who I think is the one) is not going to react well if / when I come out. I feel strong enough to confront my family, friends and colleagues, and handle whatever situations arise. But the relationship with my girlfriend has me blocked.

 

I have contacted a local LGBT association and recently had a first session with a therapist. I'm avidly checking information from reliable sites, where I have discovered that the usual narrative about transgender people is quite narrow - that there are many diverse experiences. This is helping me understand things that have happened in my life. I did not want to dress as a girl or play with dolls when I was a little boy, but I did identify much more with girls from around the age of 12. The early teens where terrible, it was like my body was going in the opposite direction of what I wished. Probably due to family, school and societal pressures (there was a lot of LGBT-phobia around me), in my late teens I gave up and started playing the role of man. Since then, I was quite unhappy, suffered from depression and was close to suicide a couple of times. Worst of all, I didn't know why, since I was successful at work, successful with women and, to others, I had no reason to complain.

 

I have signed up to the forum in the hope of learning more about myself, not only by checking resources but by interacting with other people. It is very enriching to learn what other people's experiences have been.

 

Apologies if my introduction is too long or self-centered; I'm very nervous and, with the exception of the therapist, this is the first time I reveal my feelings.

 

Many thanks and best wishes to all from Spain.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the forums, I think you meant to say being Trans is not a narrowly defined pathway and that would be absolutely true. Being Transgender is a wide spectrum of feelings and ways people identify about their lives and you fit right in with what you have said here. I have been here for about 10 years and the other staff even longer, so we do have some experience here that we hope will help you.  We have seen "impossible relations" become a real thing, but sadly we have seen others that could have been wonderful for both partners fall apart because one partner dug their heals in on their personal demands, so do not be afraid to talk about your special relationships and let others give you ideas from their experience in dealing with those things.  You are telling a story that goes along with what we have seen and had discussed as we try to be helpful friends to other people in the Trans / Enby spectrum.

[Beatriz]

Yes, that's what I meant. Thanks a lot, @VickySGV. It feels great to be able to express my feelings and get considerate and experienced feedback.

[Delcina B]

Welcome Beatriz! I don't worry a lot about starting my femme gender journey late, it happened as it happened & I don't have a time machine to change that. I think you will find a lot of support & others experiences here helpful.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Aggie1]

Hi Beatriz, I'm 65 and I just started HRT on Monday. It took me 4 months from when I truly came out to myself and embraced it rather than suppressing it for the past 60 years whenever it manifested itself, which was fairly often.

 

Every second of the day now I am being myself instead of pretending to be someone else, and it's a huge relief!

 

I have found that if you are really and truly being yourself then no one can possibly or honestly contradict you. It helps tremendously to have  a support team and I have sought out allies in a number of different venues, including family, friends and acquaintances. This group has been a phenomenal sounding board and is also representative of the diversity within the transgender community. It's by no means homogenous!

 

[rainflower]

"I did not want to dress as a girl or play with dolls when I was a little boy, but I did identify much more with girls from around the age of 12. The early teens where terrible, it was like my body was going in the opposite direction of what I wished. Probably due to family, school and societal pressures (there was a lot of LGBT-phobia around me), in my late teens I gave up and started playing the role of man. Since then, I was quite unhappy, suffered from depression and was close to suicide a couple of times."

My experience was similar to yours. When I was 17 and into my 20's, I really wanted people to see me as female. I was tall and skinny and wore my hair long and liked wearing clothes that flattered my figure. I almost tried out drag in my 20s, had a dress that I loved and nice heels, I was really getting into it, but then I panicked and got rid of it all and tried the man thing until I couldn't take it anymore, in 2019 at age 36 I hatched and went full time female. I was divorced a year prior so I didn't have the relationship difficulty to worry about, but my ex and son are very supportive. It's one of the best decisions I ever made and likely saved my life.

[Beatriz]

Thanks so much @Delcina B, @AgnesBardsie and @AwesomeClaire for the kind and supportive replies. They mean a lot.

 

Having a support team does sound like a good idea. I have not come out to anyone yet (family, friends or work) - I'm thinking who could be the most receptive and respectful people. And this group seems to be a wonderful place, indeed.

[Aggie1]

13 hours ago, Beatriz said:

Thanks so much @Delcina B, @AgnesBardsie and @AwesomeClaire for the kind and supportive replies. They mean a lot.

 

Having a support team does sound like a good idea. I have not come out to anyone yet (family, friends or work) - I'm thinking who could be the most receptive and respectful people. And this group seems to be a wonderful place, indeed.

I did it with my family when I had this overwhelming urge one day to paint my nails and when I woke up I just couldn’t make myself take it off. I wore it around the house for a day or so then one of my daughters did a double take and the conversation started.

[Beatriz]

1 hour ago, AgnesBardsie said:

I did it with my family when I had this overwhelming urge one day to paint my nails and when I woke up I just couldn’t make myself take it off. I wore it around the house for a day or so then one of my daughters did a double take and the conversation started.

I like your style!

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Beatriz,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Bri2020]

Welcome!

You will find your story is similar to a lot of us here. I'm had an epiphany moment just about 9 months ago. (at 54 years old) I had the same fears as you about relationships and everything.  I'm bummed I didn't discover this earlier but honestly, 30 years ago was a much harder time in society to be trans so...life just knew I had to wait for the perfect time in my life I guess.

There's a lot of posts here about relationships and coming out.  As for your girlfriend, I get it. I was worried to death my relationship wouldn't survive, but here's the thing. Your relationship absolutely will suck if you don't tell her and knowingly lie to her for years. It becomes toxic so IMO, it's better to be forward with things.  Come at it from the standpoint of "honey, I've just learned something about myself over the last couple weeks/months that has me really scared and worried about how it will affect us". then drop the bomb.  What gave me the courage to do that was watching a Dr Z video about "will your relationship survive" and her points were dead on.  The biggest predictability factor of whether it will survive is "is your relationship good and healthy right now and do you communicate with each other well?"  A rocky relationship usually falls apart. One where you don't communicate in a healthy manner the same.  It may not survive even with those things but if you start there you do have a decent chance.  I wish you the best during this time of discovery. It's very liberating and scary at the same time.

Hugs

Bri

[Beatriz]

Thank you very much, Bri.

I value sincerity very much, so I feel terrible for not telling her. The problem is that I have been / am so confused that it feels hard to communicate and make sense of myself.

I had my epiphany about a month ago. I had a beard for 30 years and shaved it recently. Today was the first day I've ever dared walk out on the street with female-ish clothes (girly flip flops, female skinny jeans, cape and hat)... It's like a lot it's happening very quickly.

That said, there's no way I'm keeping this from her for years.  You're absolutely right when you say it becomes toxic.

Thanks again for the wise and kind words. When you say it's "liberating and scary" you could not say it better. I feel like I'm torn by opposite emotions.

Hugs

 

 

[MelanieTamara]

On 4/7/2021 at 4:22 PM, Beatriz said:

I'm angry / sad that I've realized so late in life; in hindsight, there were clear signs since my late childhood or early teens, but it seems I took the wrong turn at about 17 or 18, when I decided to play the role everyone expected

 

@BeatrizYou shouldn't be angry with yourself. Alot of us are in the cultural gray area where if we transitioned back when we were young, we would have been labled a psychiatric disorder by the DSM. So what did we do, we played the gender role we were socialized to be since birth. We did the marriage thing, the kids, the job, and we bottled up our personal feelings and carried on.

 

But thanks to the activism, increased cultural awareness, and time, we can finally come to terms and progress. We are no longer labeled a psychiatric disorder. So I hope you enjoy this self fulfilling ride.

 

Welcome.

 

[Astrid]

On 4/12/2021 at 5:44 PM, Beatriz said:

I value sincerity very much, so I feel terrible for not telling her. The problem is that I have been / am so confused that it feels hard to communicate and make sense of myself.

 

Hi, @Beatriz!  Welcome!  It is, indeed, hard to communicate -- to someone important in your life like your girlfriend or spouse -- who you are realizing yourself to be, and how angry/depressed you may have been from holding it all inside yourself for so long.  

 

There are a variety of scenarios that you'll see if you read through some of the past forum contributions from members here.  Sometimes people are suddenly confronted (without being prepared about what to say) by someone who "finds out" about them and starts asking them questions, oftentimes not very polite or empathetic questions.  Sometimes people just decide they can't keep things inside for a moment longer, but haven't really thought through how they want to say it. Sometimes, people carefully prepare a speech and the talking points they want to be sure to mention.  And sometimes, people carefully prepare a written letter to give (in person) to their loved one, that they can read and start asking questions from there.

 

I'm one of the ones who wrote a letter (six pages! ?) and it worked well for me.  By "worked well," I don't mean to say that my spouse was terrifically happy to read and then talk through what she had just been presented with.  But it helped to set the tone, and keep the conversation from going off the rails.  We've done pretty well, all things considered, in the almost 3 years now since I came out to her.

 

I wish you well as you work toward whatever your next steps will be on your journey.  

 

Astrid

 

[Beatriz]

Thanks @MelanieTamara and @Astrid

 

@MelanieTamara: yes, it's no use feeling bad for the past, and those were very different times indeed. Sometimes I have a tendency to look back instead of forward, so thanks for the sensible perspective.

 

@Astrid: thanks for your patience in addressing my concern. I'm reading past threads in the forum, but there is so much info that it's challenging (a nice challenge!). The therapist suggests that I don't rush the conversation. Yesterday I had the chance to talk with a prominent trans woman in my area, who was super nice and spent a couple of hours with me, and she suggested that I don't do it until I feel strong and empowered enough. However, I'm with Bri on being forward. The letter option, handed in person, seems like a good idea.

[Astrid]

4 hours ago, Beatriz said:

The therapist suggests that I don't rush the conversation.

 

4 hours ago, Beatriz said:

I had the chance to talk with a prominent trans woman in my area ... and she suggested that I don't do it until I feel strong and empowered enough.

 

Wise advice from both your therapist and your trans resource.  For me, it was several months:  reaching an internal decision that I had to come out to my spouse;  continuing with more of what I'd already been doing -- reading from the experiences of others, and reading books on gender identity that helped me articulate how I feel; thinking about the content of what I needed to say; and then, writing several drafts of my letter.   But the timeline for you could be completely different, of course.

 

It's great you had the opportunity to speak at some length with your trans acquaintance.  I've really appreciated

similar conversations I've had!

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

[Ivy]

Welcome Beatriz