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Trauma after relationship with a gay transphobic ex partner


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 I am looking for material or info about encounters with (narcissistic) men who are gay but transphobic. I really need to read up on such cases because I
 have encountered it, and the results of it was really extremely traumatic, as it prevented me from being who I am and it triggered a massive psychosis
 with hearing hallucinations(eerie sounds not voices). It was 7 years ago now... Ever since that, I have a lingering anxiety and constant fear. Not for him, he is gone,
 but certain sounds scare me and I have even gotten physical issues with one ear. As a comparsion, this trauma has felt vorse than even the pandemic!
 The person who did this to me is out of my life since several years now, but it has delayed my transition, I have wondered if the doctors would say
 I don't need any transsexual treatment. The fear been projected onto the medical care when I need it as much. I also fear the neighbours.
 I probably would feel much better if there are others with a similar experience, with having a relationship with a gay (and narcissistic) transphobics.
 that would help me because I feel kind of lonely in this.

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1 hour ago, JMG said:

 I am looking for material or info about encounters with (narcissistic) men who are gay but transphobic.

 

@JMG that can be a stressful combination. All thru late HS/early college I was BF close with someone who slowly came out as "gay". Was "adopted" in the sense that I spent much time with his family (parents + 1 brother) as well but wouldn't call him "narcissistic", that came later in the girl I elected to marry.

 

        What he "triggered" in me we probably both struggle with to this day. Still unpracticed in the ways of wanting to be "his girl" we simply wound up sexually frustrating each other and eventually went our separate ways.

 

       At the time he was angry with me but we remained distant friends and the irony, to me, was his later confession of "how difficult the gay lifestyle can be" . . . something which I had always hoped, in vain, to change? 

 

Toxic people are never good why still so stressed over something you say is long over?

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@KieraWhat I was through was really stressful. To the point of traumatic. This person was very manipulative, definitely a gay activist, but he had a thing for long hair, both on him and others. As I always feel better having long hair (A trans trait I did not know concuiously was a trans trait), we found each others on the net. But I found he was very easily annoyed and angry, that became a problem, I did not even know much about manipulative people  and ignored that fact. When I told him I was trans after I had realized that fact about myself he got very angry, that was then, all hell broke lose, even though pretty slowly. I remember how I dreamt WWIII broke out and he had moved to where I lived, but somehow I did not want him under those circumstances. I also know now that he really did not have any empathy at all, if I should get in huge trouble, he would not help, just get angry at me. In addition I tried to talk about female clothes on Facebook but was not sure how to put it among a place virtually the whole world population could read it. So I put it in a way they could read between the lines to find out what I wanted to talk about and dress in, but I got trolled! I tried to suppress my transsexual identity by all possible psychologic self manipulation because I was scared of his anger and I did not have the heart to be single out in the cold. I dared not even think of it and I invented and used metaphors even for myself because the topic got too "charged". Very much of the memories from back then are very vague.  I am not clear about those fearsome sounds  either, I do have weak memories of how I created them with "SynthEdit" which I had bought for other uses, and then blamed them on the environment. But the thing is, there is nothing in the environment that could sound like they did. It reminds of an electric toothbrush but very loud, but I have only ordinary brushes and I live alone. Perhaps it is a hair razor held closely to the ear? Because finally 2 years after this started, I got tired of him and his hair mania. I had suppressed my transsexuality so much that I could see myself completely as a man and I knew I resembled a "Commander Riker" from Star Trek. So I cut my hair and grew my beard to look like him, and my ex (Who actually did like Star Trek) was outrageous, I thought he could be angry as much as he wants, and this alter-ego became my super power. I felt completely secure as Riker and nothing could hurt me! I was happy and the sound imagination disappeared. My ex was not happy... I realized how shallow he was. But basically, that was what ended the "relationship" with him and that made me realizing what was wrong. All this has left me with some doubts about my transsexuality even though I am about to cure this issue finally. But reading about others with similar stories could give me support. It is pretty common that trans women think they are gay men until a certain point in their life. I have seen that on Youtube.

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