Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

What Holds You Back From Moving Forward?


Heather Shay

Recommended Posts

  • Forum Moderator

I believe I am what has held me back my entire life. Yes I have lived with traumas and life experiences and not knowing what was happening to me and what to do and when I sought help it never really helped - but life is learning and continuing to learn. I also realize there is no one I have control over but me and no one else and like an addict - you can't change until you bottom out and I have with my gender identity and gender dysphoria. I am doing what I know to do and have the commitment to realize that as it is said - to love your neighbor as yourself - WELL - I finally realized you can't love your neighbor until you learn to love yourself because you can't give what you don't have.

 

What Holds You Back From Moving Forward - mine was fear and feeling alone - what is or was yours?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Let's see...

  • Internalized Transphobia:  You can't be one of THOSE people. Thanks mom.
  • Hopelessness: You're only going to live to be 40 anyway. Why try?
  • Depression: Items #1 and #2 contributed to a general attitude of: "Everything sucks. The quicker this is over the better."
  • Crippling Self-Doubt: You are a loser. You've always been a loser. You're lazy and worthless. You can never do anything right. Everything you like is stupid and everything you've ever tried is wrong. Thanks again mom.

Fortunately, I eventually got better anyway. It was a near thing though. The suicidal ideation was STRONG when my egg finally cracked. My brain said, "Eh, at this point what do we have to lose? If it doesn't work out, we can suck on a tailpipe next weekend." Fortunately, the euphoria chased the suicidal ideation out of my head pretty quickly and helped clear out some old cobwebs.

 

I guess you could sum it up with childhood trauma and terrible, terrible parenting.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

For name & gender change documents, I worry about getting into a complicated legal mess.  It's probably unlikely, but I'm scared of it anyway.  Despite being openly trans, I'm a very timid person.  I was terrified at first.

Unsurprisingly, I was never an Alpha Male.  LOL

Link to comment

I was never an alpha male either. 

A couple things stopped me from transitioning. Mostly fear and shame. Fear of what people would do to me when they found out, and shame of failing as a man and not living up to others' expectations. Also, I had started losing my hair at some point in my 20s and then I was just like "oh, this is it then, there is no way I can do this." So, another main thing holding me back was lack of knowledge. As far as I knew, "transsexuals" were these weird people that got their stuff removed. Nobody even knew one. I didn't even know about ftm. I didn't know about good wigs even or hormone therapy. It was just me all alone, trying to figure out how to look like a girl, failing at it, and then sadly giving up. I didn't have the words or ability to express what was going on with me. I just knew I wanted to look like a girl, and for a while I tried to make myself look like the very feminine male characters from some video games, especially Dynasty Warriors. I really started experimenting more after coming out to family and some close friends as bi, I tried on a dress and heels for the first time with some friends and just loved it. But then the dark thoughts and fear started crowding in again and I felt what I was doing was ridiculous and wrong, so I quit. It would resurface many times over the years, especially if I got drunk or there was another guy around that I liked. November 2019, a year after my divorce, is when I got a very strong urge to pursue this again - I decided to do it right, I did the research, learned quite a lot, and made the decision to be the real me.

Link to comment

     Shame and fear of how others would react and not wanting to disappoint my parents.  Growing up from the time I started kindergarten to when I graduated I was always subject to violence and bullying.  My parents knew of the bullying as well as the  teachers and principles. My mother just kept telling me that if I didn't just act the way I did the other kids would leave me be. My father took a different stance, he thought I should learn to stand up for myself so his approach was either you fight back or I will beat you myself.   It took me a very long time for me to change my believes about myself.  Overtime I got really good at hiding and avoiding others primarily for my own safety. In high school I had the opportunity to join NJROTC which I did because I did not want to deal with the gym locker room. 

      I enjoyed the experience but still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. My Junior year of high school I took a severe beating by a group of guys so I convinced my mom to let me sign up for the Navy and told the recruiter I wanted to go to Navy boot camp ASAP so I left three days after I graduated high school the next year.

       I struggled in my first couple of years in the Navy.  I got better at fitting in and I made friends with a female Sailor and we started hanging out all the time eventually she introduced to me wife. The dysphoria got worse after I married and eventually I came out to her a couple years into our marriage. Eventually our marriage came apart a divorce was eminent then by the grace of God things changed  and we worked things out. At that point I was choosing the Navy; a job that I loved and was good at over authenticity, I had convinced myself that I could tolerate and live with the dysphoria. At this point my wife and I had endured four more deployments and the birth and death of our daughter. 

    By 2015 we had two more children  both had been diagnosed with ASD.  It was at that point that it just became extremely difficult for me to function and deal with everything on top of the dysphoria. My wife encouraged me and made arrangements for me to see a therapist, so I did and started to attend group as well.  Meeting other transgender people for the first time really changed my life because it gave me hope. 

     I was at 18 years in the Navy at that point and was very torn on what I wanted to do. I choose to stay Navy and endure.  I kept going to group and therapy when i could and  once the DOD changed the policy I started taking HRT.  Things never really worked out with coming out in the Navy or with medical just to many road blocks. I enjoyed being a Navy Chief so I continued on in my career.  The thing that caused me to move beyond the state of limbo was the two suicide attempts, barley surviving the second one. I held things together after that because I was so grateful just to be alive.  

     I retired from the Navy in 2020 and things didn't get better so I reached out to the VA for help.  They have been very helpful with the transition out of the Navy.  Along the way I stopped fighting with myself and made the decision to transition and start living full time.  For me it has made all the difference in my life. 

 

        Jamie

Link to comment

I guess I mirror Jackie C with the added benefit of self doubt and shame. I was the creation of a rebound relationship. I was a mistake, I shouldn't have been. I was told as much. I ruined my parents lives and to boot I wasn't quite normal either. Strange how I spent so many years trying to be what they wanted, rather than what I wanted. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I forgot about the "mistake" and " why was I born this way it isn't fair"  feelings.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Thank you all so much for sharing. I know I've struggled ALL my life and I wish I had a way to lessen you pain as I know how it feels and you have eased mine just knowing I am not alone. I love you all.

Link to comment

Life's a journey. Its taken me forty years, but the fact that we're on this forum means we know we were not wrong. We're moving in the right direction. The speed at which we travel doesn't matter. C'mon concentrate on the positives :D

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

So where is the quote all button. Because everyone of your posts have things about me. Jackie's list is about dead on. except it is thanks Dad, not Mom. LOL.

 

growing up, I hid that I was a girl so much that I didn't even realize that I was one until I about 4 years ago. Little things I denied, never knowing why I joined the Air Force. now I do.

 

Now that biggest barrier is my family. I dearly love my wife and want to stay together yet she doesn't understand, and doesn't accept it. With family counseling has helped and I have made some concessions. To say married.  I am going forward as I have started HRT. Nobody outside my medical team knows.

 

Kymmei

Link to comment

Hmm. Jackie, please get out of head. I did the tailpipe thing. My advice....don’t. At times it feels like this is just an awesome peaceful dream and I didn’t survive. 
 

So what’s holding me back? Right now, my wife but without her holding me back a little I would have probably rushed through transition and probably made some bad decisions along the way. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Elizabeth Star said:

Jackie, please get out of head.

 

Mind Taking. Accept no substitutes.

 

At the time it seemed like best plan. Minimal expenditure and mess. I'm well past it now and my life is much improved but at the time... Well, depression and dysphoria are a wicked combination. Do not reccomend.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

In my case, what held me back in puberty and teenage years was cluelessness and fear & shame.

- Cluelessness: I didn't know what happened to me. I wanted to be a girl but my body was not going in that direction Some boys insulted me as if I were gay, but I did not feel gay - I liked girls not boys.

- Fear & shame: I was caught between my father's agnostic LGBT-phobia (fixation that his son should "be a man", etc.) and my mother's religious LGBT-phobia (those people are sinners, etc.). Even if I had not been clueless, I highly doubt I would have had the guts to transition.

 

Then I somehow managed to shut my feelings for 30 years, in which I was quite unhappy and always felt misfit, until a month ago. Now I'm trying to understand who I am and what to do.

Link to comment

When I was 26, First, my entrenched binary socialization held me back. Secondly, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-3,4,5). For the longest time, the DSM labeled me as a psychiatric disorder. I would have lost my security clearance, thus my job. And third, commitment to family. I started one. Important to see it through in a binary world even if it meant personal sacrifice.

Link to comment

Money.

 

I transitioned 25 years ago and didn't do everything I should have, because I didn't have to. Now that I don't have youth, money or initiative, I wish I had finished the job back then.

 

Link to comment

As I sit here reading everyone's comments, I wonder if my own are even valid.  All of you obviously have a strong, overpowering need to transition, where I am not so compelled to do so.  Still, I do think about transition quite a bit and I'm sure if my life situation was different, I would give transition serious consideration.  What holds me back is that my male life isn't so bad and it's not repugnant to me.  Yes, I adore expressing my feminine persona, but it isn't killing me not to transition.  Additionally, I have an amazing relationship with my wife and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.  Transitioning certainly would change the relationship we have.

Link to comment

I think I am a combination of @Shay, @AwesomeClaire and @Sally Stone.  Fear, shame, the need to please others and conform, keeping my marriage intact, and even some comfort of the familiarity of playing the "man" role my entire life.

 

But I know eventually I will have to find a balance between all of these obstacles and happiness ... its helps to be able to share these feelings with everybody here.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Sally Stone Your comments shows the fact that no 2 people are alike nor should they be. I am happy your life is such to be happy with your current situation. In my case - I am so relieved to not have to hide myself although it still is to my step-kids and a few others but not because I don't want to but because of consideration for my wife at this time for the step-kids and for safety in the case ofthe others. All in all I have found much greater satisfaction and growth not having to hide and be secretive and that makes the air smell sweeter.  

Link to comment
11 hours ago, MelanieTamara said:

And third, commitment to family. I started one. Important to see it through in a binary world even if it meant personal sacrifice.

You kinda get locked into a situation where you feel compelled to follow through with your commitments.

I sometimes think that if I had known what transgender was back then, I might have gone in a different direction.  But that wasn't the case.  It was only when those commitments were no longer there that I felt free to go back and explore myself in a new/old way.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
7 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

As I sit here reading everyone's comments, I wonder if my own are even valid.  All of you obviously have a strong, overpowering need to transition, where I am not so compelled to do so.  Still, I do think about transition quite a bit and I'm sure if my life situation was different, I would give transition serious consideration.  What holds me back is that my male life isn't so bad and it's not repugnant to me.  Yes, I adore expressing my feminine persona, but it isn't killing me not to transition.  Additionally, I have an amazing relationship with my wife and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.  Transitioning certainly would change the relationship we have.

 

Of course they are. We're not all alike and our gender dysphoria exists on a spectrum. You can be Sally part-time and that's perfectly fine. You're just trans in a different way than I am. It's all good. We're not about to start some sort of... well, not dick-measuring contest obviously... but we're not about to put up a sign that says, "You must be THIS trans to be valid." Your feelings are every bit as valid as mine and your perspective is always welcome.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

I'll leave a reply here because at least one person so far was feeling bad about not having enough validity.

At the beginning of my questioning phase (2 years long) before I started HRT, I often ran into roadblocks.  I wasn't on hormones yet and I didn't truly understand so much of what I was feeling at that time.  Thing is if you feel like you are a girl, you are. You feel like a boy you are. You feel like something in between you are. You are who you are. Every second. Every moment...

Sometimes who we are right now isn't what we think it should be but then again, why make the comparison?  You deserve to be happy in your own skin or at least as happy as possible given your own life circumstances.

I wanted to say that before getting into what is slowing me down... 

I need to get a name change done.  Right now I'm trying my darnedest to look for a job but the dysphoria of having to use my deadname is really starting to feel unbearable.  It's a head-game trying to be who you are while also trying to recognize as even semi-real in some sort of dissociative way.  It feels like you're doing something that's against everything else you're doing and the mental disconnect really really blows.

I've been pushing through deep emotions from all points of my life and have started connecting with my child self, and even started identifying my entire being as feminine from the beginning to now, and yet it wasn't always like that.

I was struggling for so long.  I was buried so deep within myself that to get to who I am I had to break through memory locks all the way back to the beginning.  I think that's probably a bit too relatable.. What holds me back are things that make me doubt myself and my path.

But whatever holds any of us back, I believe we can beat it all. 

~Love, 
Brit

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Britany_Relia Brave words from a brave girl. I can relate so much to your words and you articulated my journey to a T. 

Thank you and know you've got me by your side ANYTIME.

Link to comment
5 hours ago, Britany_Relia said:

But whatever holds any of us back, I believe we can beat it all. 

That's really what it's all about Britany, right?  Beating the things holding us back.  Great words for those of us who are trans, but just as valid for every one else.  I couldn't agree more.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 137 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • MirandaB
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,015
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • April Marie
      Loving this woman I am becoming.
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!! I was up early again - already on my third cup of coffee having walked/fed the dog and read the local paper.   We have a birthday party for a friend to go to this afternoon but no real plans otherwise.   I hope to be able to attend tonight's TGP Zoom session. It's been weeks since I've been able to participate with the illness/loss of our dog, two horrible colds in succession and our trip to chase the solar eclipse.   Have a wonderful day and look for the goodness in it.
    • April Marie
      I think we tend to be overly critical of our looks, whether we're trying to express ourselves as masculine, feminine or anywhere along the gender spectrum. For me, I use photos as a way to track my progress, to help me find my style and look and to help me find ways to improve myself in posture, looks, make-up, style......   I didn't really think about our FB avatar being public but then realized that when people search they do see it.   Since I'm not out to anyone but my wife, therapist, priest and people here, my FB page remains "that guy." I have created a Bitmoji that is relatively androgynous moving slowly towards the feminine. Long gray hair, earrings, softer features...I'm transitioning it along with myself. :-)
    • April Marie
      I so very much enjoy your posts. This one, though, hit home with me for many reasons. I was commissioned in the Army in '77, as well. Like you, I was not overly masculine in the way that many of our contemporaries were. I (still do) cried at weddings, pictures of puppies and babies, when I talked about bring proud of what my units accomplished and was never the Type A leader. In the end, it worked for me and I had a successful career.   This is, of course, your story not mine so I won't detail my struggle. It just took me much longer to understand what the underlying cause of my feelings was and even more to admit it. To act on it.    Thank you for sharing your story, Sally.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
    • Carolyn Marie
      Very well said, @Abigail Genevieve, and very true.  Thank you.   Carolyn Marie
    • Susan R
      Trans Group Zoom Meeting Tomorrow!!   Trans Group Zoom Meeting Times: April 20, 2024 6:00 PM Pacific Time April 20, 2024 8:00 PM Central Time April 21, 2024 11:00 AM Australia/Melbourne   Message me for the meeting link if you’d like to attend.   *Hugs* Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      They may win a few battles but not the war! as @Davie pointed out there is little truth if it full of lies, inconsistencies, and ignores evidence to the contrary. I saw this article earlier and have to agree here. Truth will win. This isn’t the first time this tactic has been tried. Always stick with the truth!
    • Susan R
      Welcome @violet r! Glad you joined our forum and got through the hardest part…that first post. As many have mentioned, we are more than accepting here as we affirm your gender identity and hold no judgement, whatsoever. There’s so much here on this forum, I think you’ll find very helpful. If you have trouble finding an answer just reach out, try the search but starting a new thread is usually best to get some quick answers. Many are here for various transgender related issues but many, if not all, are here to help one another if we can. It’s great to have you onboard.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Willow
      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...