Jump to content

  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Things So Far

Guest Ryles_D

By Guest Ryles_D,
in Transgender Biography

Recommended Posts

Guest Ryles_D

Guest Ryles_D

Posted
Posted

My childhood is very much what I've seen many MtF and parents of young MtF describe. The first thing I asked for was a pair of ruby slippers (a fact my mom will never let me forget). I preferred dresses, often disney princesses- my parents had to pry me out of an Alice in Wonderland dress that my dad still has in storage. A Pocahontas dress is one of my earlier memory of clothes, the beads scratched against my skin and I still can't help but wonder what they were made of.

As a female bodied child, you're probably wondering what I'm doing on a gender forum.

After Kindergarten I stopped wearing dresses. I don't know when it stopped, I can't remember that far back. I just remember wearing them in kindergarten and not wearing htem after. My mom blames dad for this- that he forced me to stop wearing dresses somehow. Of course, mom blames dad for all of this. The reality, I suspect, is that I observed the other kid's clothing. The people who were skirts were always girls, never boys. I started to realize that wearing skirts was a girl thing to the rest of the world, and that wasn't good. I went from loving dresses to refusing to wear them because of it.

I never quite got the hang of girls vs boys- I couldn't figure out what made them different. Most of my friends were girls, I don't know if I preferred them or if they were just the only oens who didn't tease me mercilessly. I didn't have a problem playing with girl's toys, I still liked girl clothing so I think I liked things like barbie because I got to play dress up without having to be a girl myself.

I rejected the idea I was a girl- I never felt like one, I hated having to check "F" as a gender marker. For as long as I can remember I'd fill in both bubbles on the standardized tests they made us take. Anything that made me different from boys was ignored. I think I got mad when they told me what was going to happen to my body during puberty because of that. They didn't tell the boys they'd start bleeding and developing breasts, so don't tell it to me! Of course, I didn't listen to what they told the boys either- I don't think I wanted to hear anything that separated the sexes. This continued. I rejected puberty, I wouldn't even wear pads- I'd rather deal with the blood. I only started using pads when I went to a residential highschool, because mom bought them for me before I left and I had htem available. I still hate buying them. It wasn't until my 7th grade school nurse practically shamed me into wearing a bra that I got one.

My junior year I started at a residential highschool. I was on a girl's hall. I had a female roommate. I'd been to all-girl summer camps, and that was fine. But this was different. I wasn't there for a week or two- I was there for a year. I tried a month long summer camp like that, and I started getting miserably depressed the third week. School was worse- I threw up every day the first few weeks. I had stomach troubles the entire 2 years following. I was miserable there, but didn't really know why.

The summer before the second year I found out about asexuality and AVEN, and through it I found out about binders. I wanted one instantly. I looked around, and found out about transmen. I ended up finding this site- and found Ftm.Underworks. I talked to dad- and within a month I had my first binder. At first I thought I was an androgyne. I knew I was neither, and thought that's what it meant. Then I found out it mean tmore a combination of the two then a neither, so I immediately ditched it was glad to find neutrois soon after.

Over the next year and a half I varied between male and neutrois, while planning to do a FtM transition. I assumed that'd get me what I want- and msotly I thought I'd need T to get surgery. Luckily I learned better (that not only is T not what I want, but that you can find a way to get surgery without it) befroe I actually started on it. I think part of my concern was that being non-binary isn't exactly the easiest thing. If I could convince myself I was male, then I could transition to that, legally get it changed, be content with the pronouns, and have an easier time than trying to explain who and what I was. But in my heart I knew that wasn't right, I couldn't lie to myself.

And here I am. Hopefully able to get top surgery soon. Part of me wants to get the proper gender markers- but I don't htink I'll ever be able to. But I certainly intend to try when I'm in a place to do that.

Link to comment
gennee Rhenium Member

gennee

Posted
Posted

Thank you for sharing your story, RDeis. Just be happy with who you are. Don't worry about what to call yourself. Whatever you decide to do, I am rooting for you.

Gennee

:D

Link to comment
Guest Deeedoo

Guest Deeedoo

Posted
Posted

I understand that. I used to wear makeup and dresses and skirts, and I once had long, beautiful hair. I started to be less and less comfortable with that stuff. Now I know I am androgynous.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Go to topic listing

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 115 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • newlyhatched
    • April Marie
    • MaryEllen
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • VickySGV

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.7k

  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,009
    • Most Online
      8,356
    BeautifulMistake
    Newest Member
    BeautifulMistake
    Joined

  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alik222
      Alik222
      (24 years old)
    2. AvaWill
      AvaWill
      (37 years old)
    3. Drewies
      Drewies
      (50 years old)
    4. JackJerryJohnTheTreeWorker
      JackJerryJohnTheTreeWorker
      (28 years old)
    5. jgram22
      jgram22
      (37 years old)
    View all

  • Posts

    • Adrianna Danielle
      Good morning All. Coffees on.

      By Adrianna Danielle · Posted

      Was excited today,my new toolbox has been shipped out,Snap On dealer told me this.It took this long since it was ordered to get it.My other co workers and I were right about the new employee that started yesterday,He was fired this afternoon.Was on his phone again and boss caught him do it.Plus he did call me an offensive word,the C word my boss hates.I did report that to my boss.My boss believes in treating women right
    • Sally Stone
      Being Bi-gender causes such issues with mirrors

      By Sally Stone · Posted

      ss,   I can't say that my image in the mirror has helped me understand why I am bi-gender.  I'm pretty certain the reason I identify as bi-gender  has to do with how I feel inside.  About mirrors though, I do clearly see my inner woman when I look at myself in the mirror.  
    • MaeBe
      Good morning All. Coffees on.

      By MaeBe · Posted

    • Abigail Genevieve
      Taylor

      By Abigail Genevieve · Posted

      The tornado called Taylor ripped through Bob's apartment. After a trip to a laundromat, two trips to grocery stores for cleaning supplies and what Taylor opined were Basic Staples, everything was scrubbed within an inch of its life.  A new dish  drainer with a new hand towel and dish cloth were by the side of the scrubbed out sink; motorcycle parts were in a box under the newly made bed.  Floor, shower, toilet, sink had been hit in the bathroom and new towels hung there the way Taylor liked them. "I don't recognize the place/" "So move out." Taylor was sitting on one of the new kitchen chairs.  There were four of them around the little wooden table.  In the middle was a flower arrangement.  Bob had made his last trip to the dumpster.  Not a pizza box remained. A row of card board boxes with books had been replaced by shelves full of neatly arranged books. "Look at this." "I am not going to do this all the time.  You clean your own place from now on. I am bushed." "Many thanks, babe." "No problem, Big Guy." "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about exercise.  Karate in particular."  He pronounced it ka-ra-tay. "I am a second Dan black belt and there is a certain obligation there to teach other people." "Kara-tay? I don't know." "A friend of mine runs a dojo here and needs my help. He talked to me already.  Tuesday and Thursday night and Saturday mornings." "Oh.  So you will be there then." She looked disappointed. "I'm hoping you will be there." "Sounds dangerous.  But I could use the exercise." "And self-defense would be good. It might help." "It might. Huh.  Saturday morning?" "8 AM I need to be there. Classes run until noon. I don't need to be there the whole time." "Is there an intro class or anything?" "Yes. 10 to 11." "How about if I try that."  She was not very enthusiastic.  Punches and kicks and stuff.   Saturday morning they arrived together.  She wanted to watch the Green Belt class that met then just to see what she was in for. Sensei Mark came to the front of the room, before the big American and Japanese flags. Between them was a picture.  "I am honored to introduce to you Sensei Bob.  He is a second Dan black belt.  He has actually beaten me in tournaments.  I have known him through tournaments.  You will listen to him as you listen to me.   Sensei Bob, take the class. The two sensei bowed to each other.  Sensei Bob pointed out that Sensei Mark had beaten him, as well. Taylor was sort of standing against the back wall, scrunched up, a mouse in her crisp new beltless gi.  Her t-shirt was off white underneath it and she was hoping no one would notice. "I am Sensei Mark. You are Taylor." "Yes, sensei!" she stood at attention and shouted it. He laughed.  "This is not Cobra Kai and we are not in a Karate Kind movie.  You do that here only between bows.  Bob tells me you are a complete beginner." "That is an understatement." "Here, let me fix your gi."  She had it on a little incorrectly.  She drew back. "What's the matter?" "I am pretty touchy." "Okay.  Untie the straps in front and tie them the other way, like mine." "I don't have a belt." "There. That is right. You will get a belt after three months and passing tests on kata, kumite and karate knowledge." "I don't know what that is." "And we touch a lot here.  Not romantically. You see how Sensei Bob is going around and adjusting people's stances and arm locations." "Yes, I see that." No enthusiasm. "You are Sensei Bob's girl, right?" "Yes.  What is important to him is important to me, so here I am."  He wished her well and told her to go see Margie, who handled registration at the little table. "Hi, I heard about you." Margie began. "What does that mean?" "It means we treat everyone here with respect.  That was the wrong way to start." "I'll say. Try again." "Good morning. How can I help you?" "I want to register for the beginner class." "You are Taylor, right?" "Right." "Sensei Bob paid for your lesson today." He would. She gave name, address, age, height, weight, and they came to gender. Margie asked it twice. "Put down female." "The only other choice is male." "Then that is it." "Earlier I was thinking about tournaments, which are big here. The rules are that boys fight boys and girls fight girls - there are Men's and Women's Divisions.  I know you look like a woman, but they go by the birth certificate." This was awkward.  Really awkward.  Down at the other end of the room they were moving in unison when Bob said HAI!, turning, punching, kicking, etc. "I don't plan to go to tournaments.  One step at a time, shall we?" "Okay.  And I meant it when I said respect.  We bow to each other.  You will see. As a sign of honoring other people." Margie bowed slightly, sitting down.  Taylor returned the bow and smiled. The class moved into sparring, breaking into twos and practicing moves against each other.  Bob was moving among the pairs, adjusting positions of hands, hips, feet.  Taylor was unsure about someone touching her like that, her hips particularly.    The green belt class ended as new students came in for the beginners' class. Down at the other end the brown belt class began.  The room was large enough you could do two classes at the same time.   The other beginners, nervous, lined up at Margie's table.  People got into gis, the men in their big area and only woman in the little restroom that was for them.   Sensei Mark greeted them and showed them where to stand: on the little x's on the floor. He explained the School Code.  They would recite it at the beginning of class and they needed to memorize it for the white belt test, at which time they would, of course, receive a white belt. He explained some terms.    They warmed up with some basic, easy stretches.   They learned a kata called Taikyoku Shodan, involving blocks, punches and some movements. This was not bad.   She was now paired off with Judy.  Things were going well and this was not too bad. Judy was sixty years old and had been told to exercise by her doctor.  Taylor said her boyfriend was teaching the other class, which was impressive, and he wanted her involved.   "You remember the gedan barai - downward block?"  They did. Everyone showed him and he went around and made sure everyone had it down. "And the lunge punch?"  They did. "Now we are going to put them together. One of you will punch and the other block it. Okay?"   Taylor squared off against Judy.  Her heart was pounding.  She practiced her gedan barai as Judy practiced her lower lunge punch.  Then they faced each other. "Okay, first partner, lunge punch.  Second partner, lower block.  Slowly.  Go!" Taylor saw the punch coming at her, but instead of blocking it her eyes welled up with tears and she dropped to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. "Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God, make it stop, make it stop" she shouted to parties unseen. Fetal position, rocking back and forth. Crying hysterically. "I didn't go near her," Judy said, bewildered. "Taylor?"  this was Sensei Bob.  Both classes had stopped and were looking at her. She kept crying. "I am here, "Bob told her, not touching.  "Oh Bob you need a wife who can be a real woman to you. I am making you into a monk or something." And she continued crying at full volume. "You need someone better than me, someone who can give you kids." Everyone could hear this.  They were turning away, trying to pretend they could not hear this. "I need to get her out of here and take her." Bob said, and he and Mark bowed to each other. He scooped her up and she bawled into his shoulder.  She clung to him.  First hug ever. Death grip, more like it. "Judy, would you get her things?" "I did nothing," Judy said, and moved towards the restroom, stunned.  "Nothing." "I know what she was wearing," Margie said, and got them. "I've got a gym bag. It 's red and it says Roosters on it. Can you get it? Mark got it.  He accompanied them to the car.  Taylor was non-stop crying deeply, clinging to him for dear life. Mark unlocked the car and together they managed to pry Taylor off of him, even though it took both of them to do it.  She was in the car seat and they managed to buckle her in it. "I am going to take you to your apartment," he said. "No. Emergency room," she said. "Maybe the psych ward."  He didn't doubt it. She calmed down in a few minutes on the way. "Well, that was embarrassing." "Everyone remembers their first day of karate class." "Bob, what I love about you is your sense of humor." "I love everything about you." "Even this?" "Yes. Even this." She managed to walk into the ER.  They were both still in gis. "Karate accident?" "No. I am Taylor and I am a nut. I wear a gi all the time. I make my boyfriend wear one, too." "She had a triggered event.  She's had some difficult times." "I see. Do you you know are bleeding?" "No."  Her crotch was wet with blood and the blood was seeping down both legs. She was wheeled away. "Sir, please wait here." He did.  He had no legal right to see her right now. After a while a nurse came out and said he could come on  back. There she was in a hospital gown.  "Seems like old times." "yeah.  We gotta stop meeting like this." The nurse buzzed around and left them. "They are running tests." "I bet they are." "I got an MRI. On a Saturday morning, too."  First ever. "You rate.  But why?" "They figure some of the old scar tissue - you know, from the- from the past - ripped open and they need to see what is going on." "We know what is going on,"said a doctor, stepping in. He looked at her. "I am Doctor Michaels.  They called me in.  I just happened to be in the building and they wanted me to see this and take the case.  My specialty is Disorders of Sexual Development. But what I am seeing is little in the way of disorder.  Look at this." They looked at the image. "This is a perfectly ordinary uterus." "Uterus?" "Yes, your uterus." "What?" "That is not all.  This is a cervix, and this is a vagina." "It's blocked up." "Yes.  It looks like you had surgery to do exactly that when you were an infant.  They used to do that." "This is me?" "You." "Really?" "I imagine this takes some getting used to. "Can it be undone?" "Absolutely. I mean, I cannot guarantee it, but it is more than likely. I would like to run some tests." "And the bleeding?" "It looks like the hormones you have been taking have kicked of a regular monthly cycle. Then you did a whole bunch of exercise.  Not surprising." "What?" "I want you to come to my office next week for follow-up.  Have you ever had a genetic test of any sort?" "No." "Well, your testes - one looks at first glance more like an ovary." "Ovary. Can I have kids?" "Too soon to tell.  You look happy." She did.  "Bob, you look stunned." "I am." "Given what happened earlier today we want to keep you overnight for observation.  I understand you are a trauma victim and something triggered it." "I got a punch thrown at me in kara-tay class, is all. I am a wimp." "Well, I will let you two talk for a minute and they will come and get you shortly.  No bad news here." "They are coming to take me away, hah-hah, they are coming to take me away," Taylor chanted. "Bob, I am not done with kara-tay.  I want to at least finish a first class. I mean, you paid for it and I want you to get your money's worth." "I think I got that." "Kiss me, you fool,"  she said, and he did, with energy.        
    • April Marie
      What are you wearing today?

      By April Marie · Posted

      These arrived in yesterday's mail. I'm out working in the yard today so just old clothes. I'm looking forward to wearing this t-shirt dress when the weather warms up a bit more.  
    • missyjo
      Growing the "Girls"

      By missyjo · Posted

      Ashley I've known busty girls who wore b nice bras tl work n such then like a sift sports bra to lounge or sleep in hugs
    • missyjo
      What are you wearing today?

      By missyjo · Posted

      your nails b hair came wonderful  congratulations  enjoy
    • Willow
      Good morning All. Coffees on.

      By Willow · Posted

      The one thing about this position, if you want more hours just wait and be flexible.  I’m now working until 7:30 pm instead of 4:30.  
    • Ashley0616
      Good morning All. Coffees on.

      By Ashley0616 · Posted

      I hope your head cold goes away soon! Sorry you have to cut grass with that.   Love the new t-shirt   I love that one.    What Jeep would you want to get? That is awesome about your wife getting better!
    • Ashley0616
      The Number One Reply, I'm Not Sure

      By Ashley0616 · Posted

      Welcome Mattie! I would recommend the first step is finding a gender therapist and see if you are or aren't. Then one of the biggest steps if you are do you want to start hormone replacement therapy. The decision should be thought long and hard. There are irreversible effects. Looking forward to your next post! Take care!
    • Ashley0616
      Here We Go...

      By Ashley0616 · Posted

      Congratulations on being able to pick up a cancellation! I hope to hear more updates about your transition. 
    • Ashley0616
      What are you listening to today?

      By Ashley0616 · Posted

    • Ashley0616
      Six Word Stories

      By Ashley0616 · Posted

      Getting a dog maybe next month
    • Ashley0616
      What is a perfect day for you?

      By Ashley0616 · Posted

      Spending time with my kids and eventually will be adopting a dog next month. 
    • KymmieL
      Good morning All. Coffees on.

      By KymmieL · Posted

      Well every girl needs a play toy. I just happen to have 7 of them.   My hoses finally came in. have the passenger front installed. Now trying to figure out how to do the drivers side when the tire is still on and there is no room to do it.  I'll figure sumthin out.  I is smrt.   Well have the wife home with me. She wound up falling back asleep after turning her alarm off. I woke her up at 6:20. She is due to work at 6. She decided to just call in.       MaeBe that is what this thread was started for. A chat place to share our days and thoughts for the day.   Hugs   Kymmie

  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...