Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I, Vince, Am Scared of Everything: a Thrilling Saga


whatishappening

Recommended Posts

Having severe anxiety sucks. So bad. I am usually fully aware of how irrational my worries are, but I can’t stop them. My anxiety’s been hindering every part of my life: lowering my grades, destroying my sleep schedule, giving me panic attacks almost nightly, making me bail out of things I genuinely WANT to do (mostly track), and affecting me physically (massive stomachaches [may be stomach ulcers, I really need to get that checked out], headaches, nausea). I’m gonna post the things I’m currently scared of on here every day, to try to get myself to see that my fears are irrational and maybe worry a little less. Maybe getting this stuff off my chest will help a little.

Today’s Fears:

- bad memories, they won’t stop coming back and I want them to go away

- seeing [REDACTED] at school next year, he hurt me

- seeing things that aren’t there- how do I tell if they’re real?

- still being seen as a girl by everyone 

- my dad saying ‘what is wrong with you?’ again

- my mom raising her voice 

- my friends forgetting about me

- that I’ll never be able to escape my parents

- that I’ll never be able to be who I want to be

Link to comment
  • Admin

This is a good place to set your burdens down and learn to deal with them.  Some of what you say is typical of being a young adult, but I hear some other issues in there that may need special help from an ordinary counselor, but maybe you already have one.  The transition from young child is hard enough if you are Cis, but very very difficult when you add in unaccepting family members if you are Trans.  Your last two items, for me did take until I was 60 years old after my parents died, but today I am free to be myself and live my truth.  It may take time, but it will come.

 

Link to comment

@whatishappening as some one who has lived my entire life (54 years) with anxiety and fear please save your self and seek professional help. I know just the thought of bringing your anxieties out into the open for some one to see is a terrifying thought but living my whole life with the ulcers, nausea, insomnia and migraines I can assure you that getting help now will save you a life time of pain. There are medications that help but there is a price to pay for the temporary relief they provide. Over time a good therapist can help you become free. I am working now on being freed from this monster that had ruled my life for so long. I hope that you can escape this and live your life instead of one day finding yourself filled with regrets as I have.

 

Rachel

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Today's advice is brought to you by the Klingon Advice line:

 

13 hours ago, whatishappening said:

- bad memories, they won’t stop coming back and I want them to go away

 

Destroy them!

 

13 hours ago, whatishappening said:

- seeing [REDACTED] at school next year, he hurt me

 

Destroy him!

 

13 hours ago, whatishappening said:

- seeing things that aren’t there- how do I tell if they’re real?

 

Destroy them!

 

13 hours ago, whatishappening said:

- still being seen as a girl by everyone 

 

Destroy them!

 

13 hours ago, whatishappening said:

- my dad saying ‘what is wrong with you?’ again

 

Destroy him!

 

13 hours ago, whatishappening said:

- my mom raising her voice

 

Destroy her!

 

13 hours ago, whatishappening said:

- my friends forgetting about me

 

Destroy them!

 

13 hours ago, whatishappening said:

- that I’ll never be able to escape my parents

 

Destroy them!

 

13 hours ago, whatishappening said:

- that I’ll never be able to be who I want to be

 

Well, obviously that's a project. You need to work on that like a sculpture. Just chip away a little bit every day until you're the best you that you can be. Um, I mean DESTROY THE OLD YOU!

 

This has been a message of the Klingon advice line. I hope the humor helped a little. Seriously though, take it one day at a time. One hour at a time or even one breath at a time if you need to. Do the best you can with that, then move forward. Pick your goal, figure out what you need to do and break it down into steps. Then one step at a time and keep moving forward towards what you want and away from the things you don't. Some of that you're going to have to put off because you're young and dependent on your parents, but don't lose sight of your goals. You'll get there in spite of the people trying to drag you down.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Today’s Fears:

- needles

- loud things

- being touched

- my dad 

- bad memories of a bad place 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well needles is just sensible. They're sharp you know.

 

The other four sound like PTSD from abuse. Is there somebody with a little more authority than me who you can talk to? I'm not trying to brush you off, I just want you to get more support than I can offer.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

The other four sound like PTSD from abuse. Is there somebody with a little more authority than me who you can talk to? I'm not trying to brush you off, I just want you to get more support than I can offer.

Not really... I have a therapist, but he’s kinda.... eh. I don’t trust him very much, but I’m scared to tell him that. I know I need a different therapist to move forward, but my fear of him or my parents being disappointed or mad at me for it keeps me from actually doing it.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

That's valid, you need to be able to trust your therapist and there are bad ones out there just like there are in any other field. Can you request a new one in his network or is it a private practice kind of thing?

 

In the meantime, please feel free to vent to us whenever you need to. I'm not a therapist, but I'm always happy to listen.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:Can you request a new one in his network or is it a private practice kind of thing?

I’m not sure if I can. I’m pretty sure it’s a private practice.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@whatishappening recognition of those fears is a good first step. I blocked mine for eons and am learning that blocking them only intensifies them. My therapist uses ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) and it talks directly to what you are feeling and experiencing right now. Learning to work with those fears and disconnecting with them, letting them have their space but not being dominated by them is the goal of ACT and it finally makes sense to me. 

 

Here is the founder of this branch of psychology and it is excellent.

 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Bleah. I'm with a network and everything's remote so if my therapist and I didn't click, I could have requested another one... and another one until I found somebody that worked.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Today’s Fears:

- my period

- not feeling manly

- everything loud

- people

- I want to hide

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well, the first one is, "You and every other trans guy," so solidarity.

 

I'm not sure what "manly" feels like. I imagine it's hairy, itchy and slightly damp. ?

 

The rest of it... yeah, I feel you today. I just want to hide under the covers too. Not the best day ever.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • 3 months later...

Hey, I hope you're doing alright when you read this. I just wanted to add my few cents because I've also struggled with crippling anxiety my whole life, and I had to do a lot of work and practice to start recovering from it. I still struggle, but I've conquered a lot already! It's a wonderful feeling to be able to reclaim your life, to have fewer and fewer (and less intense) episodes, and to feel in moments of anxiety that even though it really, really sucks, you feel safe in knowing it won't destroy you or control you.

 

First, I'm glad you're giving yourself a space here to open up about what's making you afraid. That can help a lot- both the relief of letting your thoughts out of your head, and the chance to look at your fears a little more objectively and spend some time thinking about how to manage the anxiety they cause.

 

I'm also glad to hear you're seeing a therapist, but I want you to know it's normal to not click with your first one, whether it's because they aren't suited to helping in your particular case, or just because your personalities don't fit. It's important to feel comfortable with your T and be able to trust them- it sounds like you understand that. There's nothing wrong with explaining that you don't feel you're a good match, and you'd like to try working with someone else. If they're a good therapist, they understand that! You may find your parents are more understanding than you expect about this, but even if they aren't, just know that you're taking an important step in bettering your life, and they don't have to understand that.

 

You can try looking at psychologytoday.com, where you can search for therapists by location and add all kinds of filters to narrow down your results to what kind of help you're looking for. And you can also try looking up anxiety therapy styles, and do some research to find what you feel might be most helpful to you and include that in your filters. If your therapist suggests you incorporate other techniques based on your circumstances, don't be afraid to try those too, because you never know how much something will help until you try it out.

 

I wish you luck in learning to overcome your anxiety and break free of it. And I am more than happy to listen to or discuss any fears you're having, or questions you may have.

Link to comment
  • 1 year later...

I'm also here for you. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years but I've found that meditation has really helped me. Don't worry I'm not a crazy hippie haha. Try an app called Medito or Healthy Minds. They are both free and give step by step guided mediations. They start easy and slowly build to longer sessions. They also offer good techniques for everyday life, without having to sit and do a meditation in the middle of the day. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 127 Guests (See full list)

    • Jet McCartney
    • Chloe Summer
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Timi
    • Maddee
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • MaeBe
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      Two words(?): Project 2025   Please provide links to the "political calculus" referred to, I'd be interested to know where this is coming from. It seems odd that anyone would be advocating to vote in a President that has stated that he will try to use the federal government to go after LGBTQ+ people because voting back Biden, that is not doing that, might cause some state legislatures to put forth more discriminatory laws.   LGBTQ+ people are not safe in a MAGA future.
    • Ashley0616
      It's awesome that you have had such a great friend in your life! I could only imagine what losing felt like to you. It's neat that you worked for the airlines. Did you take advantage of the space availability fights? My dad worked for Northwest and always flew every single summer except one where we drove from north Mississippi to Phoenix, AZ. My parents agreed to never do that again lol. 
    • Ashley0616
      The trans community won't be good under Trump at all. Biden is the one who has done more for the trans community than any other presidents. Last time Trump was in office he was at an LGBTQ rally and his support went quickly away from us because the majority of the voters are anti trans. He is going to get rid of our rights and also come after the rest of LGBTQ.  I don't know where you heard we would be better under Trump.    Trump unveils sweeping attack on trans rights ahead of 2024 (axios.com)   Trump Promises to Go After Trans People if Re-Elected (vice.com)   Trump promises to ban transgender women from sports if re-elected (nbcnews.com)
    • Sally Stone
      Post 7 “The Pittsburgh Years” When I retired from the Army, we moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania because I had been hired by US Airways to work in their flight training department.  The transition to civilian life was a bit of an adjustment, but I never really looked back.  At the same time, I was excited at the prospect of having more Sally time. But with work and two teenage boys in the house, getting to be Sally was a challenge.    The biggest issue in this regard were my sons, as they didn’t know about my feminine side.  My wife and I discussed, in great detail, whether or not to tell them.  If they had known about Sally, it would have been much easier to actually be Sally when I wanted to.  But I still didn’t know exactly where my transgender journey was going to take me, and this uncertainty was the primary reason my wife and I decided it wasn’t the right time to tell them about Sally.  Except for the convenience it would afford me, we didn’t think it was fair to burdened them with such a sensitive family secret if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.  If at some point things changed and it looked like I might be heading towards transition, my wife and I agreed we would revisit our decision.   Despite having to tiptoe around the boys I was able, with my wife often running interference for me, to significantly increase my girl time.  The nature of my variable work schedule meant that often days off occurred during the week when the boys were in school, and on those days, I took full advantage of the time.  Additionally, I had discovered a new trans friend through a local support group, and my wife, ever and always accommodating, ensured I had time for outings with my new friend.    Willa, my new friend, quickly became my best friend, and after only a short time, she and my wife became quite close as well.  With Willa’s help, I would soon discover that Pittsburgh was a very trans friendly city.  Together, she and I made the town our own.  We attended the theater, the symphony, we went out to dinner regularly, and I think we visited every museum in the city.  With Willa’s support and friendship, I was actually becoming quite the girl about town.    Willa and I had a lot in common.  We loved to shop, we had similar feminine styles, and we had similar views and feelings about being trans.  In fact, our frequent and deep discussions about transgender issues helped me begin to understand my transgender nature.  Having Willa as a springboard for all topics transgender, was probably as effective as regularly visiting a therapist.  I would never discount anyone’s desire to seek professional help, but having an unbiased confidant, can also be an effective method for self-discovery.    Exploring the city as Sally and spending time with Willa was instrumental in helping me understand my transgender nature, and would begin shaping my transgender objective.  My feelings about the kind of girl I was and where I wanted to go began to solidify.  Being out and socializing as Sally in a big city like Pittsburgh, taught me I could express my femininity without issue.  I honestly felt confident I could live my life as a woman; however, remaining completely objective, I just couldn’t see giving up the life I’d built as a man.   At that time, I was being heavily influenced by the concept of the gender binary, which had me thinking I had to choose between being a man or being a woman.  It was Willa who reminded me there were no rules requiring gender identity to be binary.  During one of our deep discussions, she posited the idea of enjoying both genders, something she was doing, and a concept that made a lot of sense to me.  I was already living the life of a part-time woman, so I simply started paying more attention to how that was making me feel.    One characteristic that was dominating my feminine self-expression (and it continues to this day) was that when I was Sally, I was “all in.”  When I became Sally, it was such a complete transformation that I truly felt like a woman.  The feeling was powerful, and if I had to describe it another way, I’d say it was akin to an actor, so into the part, they actually become the character they are portraying.  That was me, and I discovered that this level of depth was extremely fulfilling, and that feeling tended to last long after transitioning back to my male persona.  Part-time womanhood it seemed, was actually working for me.    Eventually, a job change forced me to move away from Pittsburgh, but the enlightenment I experienced while living there has shaped the nature of my bi-gender personality to this day.  Even after leaving, Willa and I remained the best of friends.  We had many more adventures, some of which I will detail in later posts.  Sadly, Willa passed away two-years ago after contracting a prolonged illness.  Her loss was hard to take and I miss her dearly.  However, I have so many fond memories of our times together, and because her support helped shape me, she lives on in my heart.   Hugs,   Sally
    • missyjo
      thank you dear. I'm constantly working at adjusting n writing off other people's judgment or input.   thank you n good luck
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Them's fighting words, but I intend to discuss this respectfully, calmly and so forth, in accordance with the forum rules.   Considering the one issue below in isolation:   There is a political calculus that trans folk may be better off under Trump than under Biden.  The argument goes that Biden has created such a backlash by moving so far to the left that red states, in particular, are reacting with a swarm of laws that negatively impact trans folk.  Some of his actions strike many people as clumsily forcing unwanted regulation on people, and some of his appointments, such as the luggage stealing bigender individual, have not helped advance trans folk but rather the reverse.  In a second term Biden would make things worse for trans folk because of the backlash and resentment his policies would create.    Trump likely would have negative impacts to trans folk, as he did in his first term with respect to the military, so it is a set of tradeoffs as to which is worse.   Thoughts?
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Can you dress androgynously? 
    • Ashley0616
    • Abigail Genevieve
      There are trans folk who pass better than some cis people.  People usually aren't on the lookout for those who are cross dressed.  As long as there are no multiple screaming signals and you don't draw attention to yourself you can probably pass better than you think. For example, if you walk into a bank in heels, however, and you DON'T know how to walk in heels, you will attract the attention of a security guard, especially if you are acting nervous. If you wear flats and just go to the bank and do your business like anyone else, it is likely no one will notice, except that there was a customer who was taller than most women are, but then there are tall women, and tall, broad shouldered woman.  I made the mistake years ago of thinking I had outed such, and knew she was a he.  Later I learned she had five kids, and her husband was bigger than she was.  Ooops.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I don't know much about CNAs.  They report to an RN, right?  Can you somehow bring this up to the RN in a way that does not get your CNA mad at you? I'm not saying you should, but maybe that is a good course of action.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      This is the thing.  A month ago tomorrow is when I stopped wearing m clothing.  Today I feel great.  I do not have dysphoria when I am dressed as and I move as a woman.  I was just thinking about that because I was wondering if I would or will get hit with a wave of "you don't have dysphoria so you might as well dress like a guy. Less hassle with your wife."  Not that she is aware, to my knowledge, that these androgynous clothes are women's.  No desire to "flip", no feeling of need to, just happy identifying as female.  Speaking, in my deep guy voice, with female voice patterns, doing the feminine gestures that come naturally and without exaggeration and at peace.
    • Birdie
      Yes, my brother was born lactating due to absorbing hormones from my mum.    Of course she isn't a nurse, she is a CNA. She should however still have general medical knowledge.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I agree.  But sometimes unethical conduct must still be legal, because the cure would be worse than the disease.  One problem we have today with the internet is the trolls can gang up on someone and destroy them - we see the with school bullying as well.   He was in the Southern Baptist Convention, and maybe he should have moved his church over to say the American Baptists, who might have been able to help him. A Southern Baptist pastor is king in his church, peerless, which means he could not have gone for help in his church.  And he could not have gone for help from any other pastor in the SBC because they likely affirm the SBC statements on these matters.  I think he was stuck.    I read this when it came out in the news.  Very sad situation.  
    • Carolyn Marie
      One organization that I know of that is dedicated to assisting LGBT seniors is SAGE.  They advocate for, and have services for, all LGBT folks, not just trans folk.  You can find their website Here.  I am not sure what, if anything, they have in terms of financial assistance.  I'll let you know if I find anything else.   Carolyn Marie
    • Davie
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...