Decision time soon

[Stefi]

Saw my Therapist yesterday. I was wearing a cute skirt and top..First time wearing women's clothes outside of my  bedroom. She suggested I go out in public to a store or somewhere else with people to see how I feel. I am all for it, but my wife is ready to leave if I do. I have to make a decision soon. My wife will not budge on her "all in my head stance". I am quite depressed as I love her so much, but I need to be true to me. 

 

 

 

Hugs

 

Stefi

[Stefi]

When I do go out in public I will need a purse and some shoes. I cant go out with all my "stuff" in a wallmart bag.        

Stefi

[Ivy]

I started carrying a "bag" before I went out in public in fem mode.  It was actually pretty handy.

 

It would be a hard thing for me if I was still married.  As much as I still love my ex, it was only when the marriage tanked that I was able to explore my real self.  Sad but true for me.

 

I have low expectations for passing so when it actually happens I am thrilled.  I don't think that many people even pay attention.  But the first times are kinda scary.

[rainflower]

Before I had women's clothing or accessories, I just went out in my ugly man clothes, bought everything I needed, then brought it home and started wearing it. I still have the same handbag I bought over a year ago, it was on sale at JC Penney (I never buy anything full price and I don't care about brands).

[Susan R]

12 hours ago, Stefi said:

My wife will not budge on her "all in my head stance". I am quite depressed as I love her so much, but I need to be true to me. 

Stefi, In some ways your wife is correct. Your gender Identity is in your head...it’s a deep part of your core or your soul. What she may likely be thinking is that through some miraculous chain of events or medicinal regimen, it can be cured. She would be wrong. The shear number of members here that have stated, “it doesn’t go away” tells the story quite clearly. Many, if not most of us have carried these gender identity issues our entire lives.

 

Your wife may have been misinformed if she thinks being transgender is a temporary thing. If you can communicate with your wife calmly, openly, and honestly about this issue, you may have a chance to educate her about what this issue really is all about. If she’s unwilling to talk about it, then the issue is not going to be resolved until she that happens. I hate to be blunt but you can’t make a point without a dialogue.

 

To steal a phrase from The Matrix...”You need to show her how deep the rabbit hole goes”. Being transgender is a permanent part of you. You can mask it, you can suppress it, you can even pretend it doesn’t exist. But remember, it will come back in some form or another...sometimes as anger, sometimes resentment, sometimes depression, sometimes attitude problems, or some combination of these until you face it head on and embrace your natural tendency for authenticity and self expression.

 

If I was in your situation, I might try to explain your story in a way that she can put herself into your situation from the very beginning of your knowing you were different. Explain in depth what you were feeling at that time and how you dealt with that. Tell her about the loneliness, lack of support, bullying, anything to help her feel the depth of your life’s journey dealing with this. Empathy can sometimes go a long way to help one open up and truly listen to you.

 

Also, would there any way you can bring her along with you to a few of your therapy appointments to get her some direction? The depth of this issue needs to be conveyed. Your wife is not the first person to think it’s all imaginary and there’s a magic pill to fix this. Your therapist likely knows how to explain what it means to be transgender better than you or at least gives your wife a professional’s explanation of what you are experiencing as a transgender individual. In either case, communication on the topic is the way to educate someone who has the wrong information. I hope you two can work something out. It can be done but it takes work.

 

13 hours ago, Stefi said:

When I do go out in public I will need a purse and some shoes.

The purse is technically optional...but girl, you gotta have shoes!?

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[LusciousTheLock]

I started slowly with dressing. I felt I couldn't face it publicly, but I needed to? It also helped those around me including my wife and family get used to the new me. I started with Nail varnish, necklaces, rings, eyeliner, mascara, eyebrows, eyeshadow. Addling more and more as I went. Then it came to tops and so bought more feminine tops to go with my trousers. Then started feminising those. I do love my skinny jeans paired with boots   Sadly, they have very poor excuses for pockets and so I had to buy a bag. Then it dawned on me one day that I had just pulled my wallet out of my bag to pay and I really needed a purse!

 

It went on and on. I still haven't worn a skirt out in public, but intend to when I can actually go out for a meal when restaurants open again on May 17th. I've also bought some summer dresses but need to work up to those!

[Beatriz]

@Susan R Your post is worth its wordcount in gold! Many, many thanks. I'll be coming out to my girlfriend soon and you provided great insights and tips. I'm quite sure she'll break up with me, but still I want to give it my best shot because I love her.

 

@LusciousTheLock Thanks a lot for the insights on clothing and appearance. My approach has been kind of haphazard: I bought too many of some things and too few of others, probably some too femenine items too... And the dysphoria about my face has made me avoid make up, so I rely on the mandatory mask. Reading your post I'm having ideas on being more consistent in my exploration and first outdoors presentations.

[Bri2020]

Spouses go through the stages of grief when we tell them we're not who they think we are. 

1 Denial

2 Anger

3 Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

Often these can overlap or waffle between two for a while.  When it comes to transgender relationships, your relationship foundations and patterns before coming out often predict how this process will go.  Examples: Couples who tend to ignore problems get a big denial phase. If you have a history of arguments or not supporting each other as much, then anger may be the predominant sticking point.  You will see  A LOT of bargaining posts here.  

As @Susan R (with all her great wisdom) points out, communication is the key to helping people move through these stages.  Even with great communication, there is no guarantee a marriage survives this massive change, but it is needed to work through it in a healthy way.  Without it, there isn't a chance of it working.  The end goal should be a healthy marriage, or worst case, an amicable split where both parties respect the needs of each other. The only way that can happen is if each of you understands each others pain and needs. Which of course, healthy communication is needed for that to happen.  Susan's suggestion of her coming to a counseling session is a great launching point for that.  Having a facilitator of a dialog can keep it on a healthy level.

 

And yes, shoes are a must! Get some basic flats or something like women's sketchers walking shoes first. They work with everything.  Start planning now for a shoe closet  

Good luck!

Hugs, Bri

[Stefi]

Thanks to all for your wisdom and incite. Lost in the disappointment about my wife's lack of understanding, was how great and complete I was at my therapist's office dressed in "MY" own clothes.

 

 

Stefi

[Charlize]

I had spent a good bit of time as myself in the world before i came out to my wife.  I felt badly about it but found i could dress in the car and do some shopping.  The confidence i gained helped me a great deal later.  Perhaps after your next therapists appointment you might just go out to a convince store for a bit of candy.  Each time you do that the fear will lessen.

It wasn't that long ago that we were expected to live as ourselves for a long period before starting hormone treatment.  It seemed harsh but by then we knew if we would be comfortable or not and all of the feelings of guilt, shame and fear had hopefully lessened a great deal.  I know that helped me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Charlize said:

It wasn't that long ago that we were expected to live as ourselves for a long period before starting hormone treatment.

There is some value in having an idea of what you're getting yourself into before you are totally committed.

[LusciousTheLock]

1 hour ago, Jandi said:

There is some value in having an idea of what you're getting yourself into before you are totally committed.

 

Welcome to the UK  and its not easy

[MelanieTamara]

17 hours ago, Susan R said:

Being transgender is a permanent part of you. You can mask it, you can suppress it, you can even pretend it doesn’t exist. But remember, it will come back in some form or another...sometimes as anger, sometimes resentment, sometimes depression, sometimes attitude problems, or some combination of these until you face it head on and embrace your natural tendency for authenticity and self expression.

 

Oh my god, those are some of the wisest words I have ever read. They will be a part of my coming out explanation to the adult children. It really addresses the disbelief aspect that originates from who they've known all their lives. Wow.

[Msecret]

@Susan RI like what you wrote and this will help me in my situation too. Thank you 

[Sally Stone]

Stefi,

 

If I responded I'd just be channeling what Susan R said; her words were so poignant.  And my gosh, a girl has to have shoes, it's a feminine imperative.  

 

Somehow, and be patient, you need to convince your wife that your inner woman is here to stay.  I was fortunate because I was able to be happy expressing my inner woman part-time.  It was a compromise my wife was able to accept.  That might work for you, but it would have to be the truth.  Truth is key, so if part-time doesn't work for you, you shouldn't use it just to please your wife.  I'm rooting for you.   

[Stefi]

Thanks Sally. My wife and I had a long emotional talk yesterday. She expressed her dislike to me telling her that this is real. If not I would not be doing this to her. We decided to table any gender talk until after Mother's Day. I hope I can celebrate as  woman next year. Our talk did end on a positive note as there might be a bit of movement on her part. I will update next week..

 

HUGS

 

Stefi