Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I just want to be able to control my own life


picklesaregross321

Recommended Posts

picklesaregross321

I came out to my wife close to 6 years ago now. We fought a lot because of it. Mainly because I didn't want to lose custody of my kids during a divorce, but also because I'm scared of how my parents, siblings, in-laws, etc. would react, I never started my transition. I told my wife it was a phase and we ignored it. Last year, I told my wife again and the same thing happened again. I grew up mormon, married a mormon girl, have raised a mormon family, but haven't believed in the religion since I was a child. My wife's response last time I told her I was trans was "Read your scriptures and pray every day and God will heal you". I don't know why I care what all these religious people care about me. It's hard to explain the power they hold over me. I was taught over and over growing up how wrong being gay or trans was. My parents caught me multiple times dressing up, (10 years old, and again when I was 17) and they made it clear how sinful that was. I'm 37, I shouldn't care what my parents, siblings, or in-laws think, but I'm terrified to come out. I think part of my issue is the 5 or 6 times I have told people I'm trans over the years, I've never once got a positive or supportive reaction. Not once, so there is scare tissue there making me want to stay hidden. I also don't want to hurt my wife (who will leave me if I transition) or children.

This brings me to recent times. I've never really had a lot of bad thoughts about suicide, but a few weeks ago I had a dream I was somehow attending my own funeral after killing myself. Since then, it's been on my mind a lot. I can't talk to my wife about it, because we just ignore problems. If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist. I'm no longer trans because I haven't brought up my gender dysphoria with my wife, therefore God must have healed me (or I just ignore it). The one thing that did snap me out of that bad thought pattern the other day was when I got an email from my HR for our Health Insurance open enrollment. The email indicated that Gender Confirmation Surgery is now covered on my insurance which pulled me into a feeling of hopefulness for the future which I haven't had in a long time. I'm just worried that if I don't start going down the path of actually starting my transition while I have this opportunity at my current job, the hopelessness will start creeping back in along with my bad suicidal thoughts. Any tips on how to transition and basically blow up my life and all my relationships  without hurting all the people I care about?

Link to post
Jandi

@picklesaregross321I wish I had something to tell you, but I don't.  I know how deep religious transphobia runs - it kept me from accepting myself for years.  And of course you don't want to hurt or lose your family.  And yet you are still you.  Having GCS covered by insurance, is pretty tempting to be sure.  

Maybe someone with more wisdom can help better than me.  But I do feel for you and the others here in similar situations.

Link to post
Beatriz

@picklesaregross321 You seem to be in a difficult position, so I understand your feelings.

 

I was raised under a different religion than you, but similarly, some people in it are very transphobic. In my eyes, God is Love. It may judge my deeds but not who I am. There is no fault in the way I am - or anyone is. Still, some relatives of mine follow the transphobic line of thinking.

 

One thing caught my attention: you won't come out for fear of hurting your wife and children, but you consider ending your life, which would be absolutely devastating for them. Sometimes we hurt so much that ending our life seems like the only option (I've been there), but despair makes us forget the damage that we would cause to the ones who love us, and the damage that we would cause to ourselves. Life is all about opportunities. You have a big future ahead. I'm glad that GCS covered by insurance gave you hope.

 

I just started coming out, which I thought impossible. Having a gender therapist and learning from people in this forum were instrumental for me. If you're not seeing a gender therapist, I would recommend you find one. It will make a huge difference.

 

Big hugs

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

My wife knew but also let me know that she could not tolerate my gender issues.  At one point she told me i should get therapy which is just what i wanted at that time.  Working with a therapist helped me a great deal.  They were available for her as well.  With time, love and patience we have stayed together despite some rocky times.  Please reach out for help from a girder or other therapist.  It can workout, perhaps not as one might wish but somehow that is often better than we would have expected.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to post

Hi @picklesaregross321  Nice to meet you and, Welcome.

I am in a similar cloistered situation with my wife and for now its preventing me from moving forward (but I do have some freedom to dress at home).  I understand your feelings and specially your fears about coming out. 
I echo the others' advice to continue or return to therapy, and definitely let your therapist know about your thoughts about self-harm (even if you doubt your desire to follow through .. it needs to be in the open to be able to deal with it)

 

My therapist reinforced that I do not have to take "ownership" of others' (my wife's) negative feelings or anxieties.  Those are hers to own, and totally up to her if she can accept your true identity or not.  Also realize, all your "social fears" wrt to family and religion are probably hers also.  IF you can ever get your wife to join you in therapy it may be helpful.

 

In the end, your personal well-being should be Priority #1. 

 

I think being here on this Forum is also a good start for you.  Stay with us please 🙏❤️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Link to post
Jandi

I don't know if this will help you any, but Dr Z has a video related to this.   I know a lot of people here are struggling with these things.   As for myself, my marriage tanked before I came out.

 

 

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 68 Guests (See full list)

    • onyx
    • Petra Jane
    • RobynNYC
    • LusciousTheLock
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      73,966
    • Total Posts
      683,417
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      8,372
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Bella
    Newest Member
    Bella
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. MariPosa
      MariPosa
      (62 years old)
  • Posts

    • Timber Wolf
      Good morning everyone,😊   Happy birthday MariPosa!🎂 Hope you have a fabulous day!   Lots of love, Timber Wolf🐾
    • tracy_j
      It's interesting to read this. Apart from the stuffed animals I have the only thing I can think of is my deliberate cultivation of a childlike attitude to learning such that I can learn and accept new ideas more readily; ie I try to avoid blinkered views and similar restrictions which often come with age. In that I have no age bias and fear of appearing childish (in the keeping up appearances sense).   Your last comments on baby talk do remind me of an advert for sweets / candy over here currently which has two policemen in a police car dubbed with childrens voices. People tend to love or hate it. I tend to mimic them and similar but more my sense of humour though.   Tracy
    • MelanieTamara
      It's pretty clear that Republican state governments don't fear, or even take notice of, the Biden administration's policies. It looks like the Republican State governments feel they have to move quick while they still have a 6-3 scotus conservative majority until the Dems pack the courts (within the next year probably) to even things up a bit.    
    • Ellie Jean
      Totally relate. I was locked up in a psychoward ran by Mormons when I was 12-17 years old...sex was used as currency. ...Feel kinda lucky some days that I didn't really know I was being raped. ...Other days I just feel sick and wanna blow my brains out. ...Most days though, I just want....revenge. I guess I kinda had an epiphany one day: I'm not the one who deserves to die. ...Neither are you.  Hang in there. This too shall pass. *big hugz*
    • Susan R
      Kimber, I agree with Jackie, your parents were very accepting and supportive. Especially given that society was so different and so much less accepting back 25 years ago. Your parents loved the real YOU so much. It is a wonderful story.   Life would’ve been so much easier for many of us here if our parents could embrace our real identities. I am so glad yours embraced and accepted you so unconditionally. It sounds like an amazing experience.   I’m so sorry to hear that you had lost two siblings within a year back then. That must have been such a difficult period of your life. I can’t even imagine experiencing that kind of loss in such a short time period. We all have different crosses to bear. No journey through life is an easy one.   *Hugs* Susan R🌷
    • Jodie
    • Susan R
      This is a one of your colors Linda Marie. Your dress really looks nice with the shoes too. Hard to match outfits that close without a large collection. You can NEVER have too many pairs.😉
    • whatishappening
      I don’t wanna go back to a mental hospital. That place still terrifies me. Even more bad memories.
    • Ellie Jean
      Mostly just the erotic variety that involved a boy being forcibly feminized then diapered and treated like a baby girl lmao. I'm a freak lol. =P 
    • Sally Stone
      Here are a few TG Novels:   Annabel, Kathleen Winter Shero, Jack Wallen Jr. The Original Sex Gates, Darrell Bain She's My Dad, Iolanthe Woulff Port of Departure, Karin Bishop Nevada, Imogen Binnie Transistor Radio, Chris Bohjalian   Enjoy
    • VickySGV
      If you are having this bad a time, it may be necessary for you to go to a hospital or an urgent care provider and see if they can provide you with some medication to help your anxiety about the memories.  You may have to cut your vacation short to deal with this, or maybe it is the vacation environment triggering you.  Please go and get some professional help before you feel compelled to hurt yourself. 
    • Teri Anne
      Looking lovely LM. Kaltia Bras are a constant problem with me too. Lacey bras are so pretty but the lace chaffs my skin. Sport bras I wear a lot just because the seem to hold everything in place just fine. My nice bras I save for special occasions.
    • whatishappening
      I can’t stop remembering. I’m on vacation. I need to relax. I want it to stop. I can’t forget about what he did. I keep trying to make myself forget with things like overdosing, but it doesn’t work anymore. The memories are so loud. I don’t know how to stop this.
    • Kimber M
      My hair appointment went well today.Walked in and treated very well on the spot.The hair stylist that did mine,Lillian was so kind and also listened to me.She did a great job walking out happy.
    • SheenaT
      I loved getting my pierced. I love all the earrings I have especially the dangly ones. I feel just a little more myself.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...