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why won't the memories leave? (tw: r*pe)

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i dont understand. i was 12 years old, he was 13 and still remember everything clearly. my life hasn't been the same since it happened.


i was in a support group for transgender youth who struggle with mental illness. i met one of the patients there and he smiled. we were in the waiting room, talking, and we had our session. during the session, he drew me a picture which i still have with his instagram username. i went home and started texting him right after...i regret it.

saturday afternoon, he came to my house and i hugged him. he was super sweet, cool, and i thought nothing of it. we played video games at my house and we went in my room and listened to the 10-x three days grace album and i layed on my bed...he was next to me and he kissed me...i wanted him off of me but didnt say anything but instead i let him do things to me. i told him i was trans, i told him i had dysphoria. i said i was uncomfortable, yet he kept doing things to me. the wost part about it is that i really thought that was ok and just normal... 


the next weekend, we went to the mall and he wanted to go to spencers. i didnt know what that was but it looked like hot topic so i said screw it and followed him to the back of the store where the uhh -censored items- were...aaaaand umm it was interesting. he got me this one thing (not gonna say the word but it buzzes and looks like a bullet)

we went back to my house, up in my room door shut, and here we are again but worse. 


i dont want to explain what exactly he did, but he exposed me to a lot of bdsm related things and one time i was age regressing and he decided to take my stuffie away until i gave in and went with it. he did this to me from 12-14. and i let him. i let him ruin my life, my innocence, my dignity. no 12 year old deserves this. no child should ever be subjected to abuse like i have. it leaves you wondering if you'll ever be ok again, it leaves you broken, hurt, disgusted, corrupted, and alone. ive kept this secret for so long and all it did was turn me into a maniac.


after this, i was with someone new. that was a better relationship but still pretty toxic. because of my trauma, i couldnt do anything sexual or else id have a breakdown and run in the bathroom like a little cry baby and panic. i ended up leaving her when her girlfriend called me a girl, a she, then kept talking about how bad she wanted to do things to me, and yet my girlfriend went behind my back and did "things" with her...and then i snapped and havent talked to her since


i had a boyfriend recently, he had his life together, had a job, went to school, good looking guy, strong, funny, smart, and he was the only one who cared. he always made me laugh when i needed to laugh about something. thats what i loved so much about him. he had an intriguing personality, it was almost like some sort of dream when he asked me out. he also was an age regressor which was absolutely adorable because he made me feel like i was normal. i mos he did funny voice impressions of different people like elmo, chills the horror top 15 guy, corpse husband, and he loved to imitate my voice. he would stay up with me til 3 am talking about whatever. he called me when he drives home from work, it was just- amazing. we were together for 4 months until he couldnt handle me anymore. he was too busy for me which i understand but i want someone to love me the way he did. he still loved me even though i wasnt perfect, he told me that constantly. ive never felt that way for anyone. you know you seriously love somebody when you tell your family about them. ive thought of graduating and moving to Tennessee so we can be physically together, especially because he's a southern country guy and i wouldnt wanna force him moving to new york, it sucks and its too expensive. but, something in my gut tells me he's the one. 

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Memories are going to stay with you, you are going to need some help on what to do with them in your life and that requires professional counseling.  A problem I had to face was that fighting the bad memories also interfered with the good memories that happened closely to them.  Learning to order the memories to where you are in charge of them and not the other way around is a learned skill but worth learning.  I made the unconscious move of hiding a lot of my memories and it was the beautiful that got hidden the deepest and the terrible did surface too easily, but both were there.  Look for a Therapist in your area who deals with Trans / Enby clients, the area you are in may have an actual Gender Clinic.  Also look to support groups through your nearest LGBTQ Community center.

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Something similar happened to me, same ages. I feel the same way, almost all the time. I understand how rough it is. Luckily, I was able to get away from him about a year ago, but what he did still haunts me. I hate it so much.

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On 5/13/2021 at 4:35 PM, whatishappening said:

Something similar happened to me, same ages. I feel the same way, almost all the time. I understand how rough it is. Luckily, I was able to get away from him about a year ago, but what he did still haunts me. I hate it so much.

its something that sticks with me and doesnt leave, so i get that.

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