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Hi there,


About me...in about ten sentences flat.


Gonna keep it brief (bc I can ramble ADD) and hopefully light and cheerful...


I don't know where I fit and in some ways I don't care yet in others I do very much. In many ways I feel almost like a (?) 'reverse transgender' (?)


I lost my spouse to cancer 3 years past. I never told her about me which makes me feel TERRIBLY guilty. I suspect she suspected but we were fighting bigger concerns.


I have two kids who are my life. My daughter just entered college and my son is still in High School Grade 10. I haven't told them although they are big fans of Pose and RuPaul's.


I'm now 52yrs which is the age I promise myself I will need to find acceptance of my other self if things did not 'improve'. Life feels finite now with my Spouse's untimely death...


I was seeing a Therapist for about 6 months just before the Pandemic. Not sure where it was heading but at least there seem some structure...


I have only opened up to my younger Sister and a Gay friend in NYC. Both voiced support although I don't think they really know what to make of it.


I have never been girly and some of my interest tend to be more male oriented so I have never had an issue accepting being 'male'. But my core identity has ALWAYS felt very female.


I have had an increasingly hard time suppressing my increasing 'feminine clothing expression'. My friends/colleagues chalk it down to 'eccentricity' but for how long...


I am 5'9 but slightly framed and look relatively feminine so it has not been much issue passing which makes me feel good. But then enter the VOICE of Barry White...yuck!


I'm dysphoric but I'm also a habitual hypochondriac. I had a bad bout of Guillan Barre Syndrome some 13 years past & with my spouse's cancer am a bit fearful of hormones.


I have now lost count of my sentences...just to say I am here to ask occasional questions from experience folks to better understand my own path forward.


That's me.


I swallow everything ...I just chuck up what I don't like (politely) later.🤭😇



























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  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

Hey @swallow! Welcome to Transpulse!


I have no idea what a reverse transgender would be. Is that like a bizzaro? 😉


Anyway, some of that is familiar. I promised myself I'd have transitioned by 50. Later than I would have liked, but I was in denial for a very, very long time.


So yeah, please feel free to avail yourself of the forums, ask questions, join the discussion, whatever you need! We're glad you're here!



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Delcina B

Welcome Swallow! Glad you're here. I think you'll find the support & advice here helpful.




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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Swallow.  Like you i enjoy a bunch of "male" pursuits but then again i know some very feminine farmers who look amazing in a dress but repair old tractors with a skill i admire as well.  IO'm just who i am.  Perhaps time living as myself has given me a freedom to be somewhat "butch".  I guess i'm a tomboy which is just fine by me.





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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Swallow to the Trans Pulse forums and thanks for your intro post, nice to have you with us 🙂 I hope you find your time here useful and enjoyable, have a look around , join in the conversations, post away. HRT does come with some risks, however the benefits can certainly far outweigh.....I was in my early 50's when things clicked for me. 





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  • Forum Moderator

@swallow welcome. I am glad you are here. I and several here have similar backgrounds and stories so know you are not alone and you have found supportive friends. The more you stay open and let it out and ask questions here the better you'll feel. 

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Timber Wolf

Hi Swallow,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!


Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

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Many thanks everyone!


Big hug from me. Really appreciate the warm welcome!



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Hi @swallow!  nice to meet you, and Welcome!

On 5/16/2021 at 2:56 PM, swallow said:

I have never had an issue accepting being 'male'. But my core identity has ALWAYS felt very female.

BINGO!! Welcome to my World!  I connect with many of your LIfe events (although you're a bit younger than me).  My "self-discovery" came after my mother's passing (I am still married and that does complicate this for me), but I share many of your feelings.
I think this Forum will be VERY helpful for you as you connect and find familiarity in many Members stories and experiences.
I hope you can also return to therapy, and/or seek out a gender therapist in particular.  Therapy has been Life Changing for me, specially in the area of Self-Acceptance.

Stay with us, Dear❣️  Wishing all the Best for you.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

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Many thanks for response.🙏


Great to know others have walked the same path.


Its hyper ironic bc I've had to do very Male real world work from Military service to Film production (although these days these arenas are more equitable domain and open to women as well...so I view myself as secretly a woman in the field)


I never had an issue embracing the male aspect but it never really sat at ease with me either.


I was trained to Special Forces level fitness in the Military but despite that, I was always still slim and feminine (attracted UNDUE attention of a number of the senior Sergeants...that aspect of 'manhood'  a whole different kettle of fish altogether)🤐


As I went through life, I never really 'Masculinized' terribly much. Not much body hair (recent years one hair each sprouted on my elbows and feet dunno why...I pulled them out and they've never grown back)🤔. I wondered if maybe I felt feminine because I looked feminine (hence my quib about being a reverse Transgender)...


But my earliest memories have been about being female.


The starkest one is my earliest dream (My spouse thought maybe its a leftover memory...she was a Buddhist). I seem to have it etched in my mind sitting in a small village on a cliff overlooking the ocean, as an old woman. It was as if I walked up the path to the house and sat down waiting for something (My death?)


Then later when growing up age 3, I remembered I used to be teased by my younger Aunts. They would ask me to show my penis to prove I was a boy. Was I doing anything to have them question it? I didn't really know what they meant by "are you a girl or a boy?" then either...I just answered that I was "a boy?"...🤔


Of course I don't remember much else of that young age but I was often puzzled why I had this ridiculous protuberance in Kindergarten when the 'girls' did not and could wear the Ballerina outfits.


As I grew up, I was happy with male pursuits. Fancied military stuff, loved team sport...


But the reality check came when I was actually in Service. Somehow the fantasy of Military did not match the reality of life with a bunch of men.


Having to get naked with them in the shared shower was deep down inside extremely difficult (I always waited to be the last) Then the smells one had to endure was alien to me (I never smelt quite the same as them)...there was an awful lot of testosterone and then the keeping up the Bravado (both hilarious and tiring)...probably why knee jerk I revert to a 'booming' voice as a survival/compensation mechanism...


The worse was having to stay unwashed in the field for days on end with things growing on you. Urgh. It was just not for me.


I was never as I mentioned terribly girly but there is that deep core that bothered me. Married with the less Masculine outward appearance... I had to pretend not to like (BC I like being pretty), I ambled along for years.


My Spouse I suppose brought balance to  me for a while. She was pretty and in some ways she said I treated her as if she was my doll bc she was never into dressing up much and I bought her the clothes (which she liked). She was my opposite since she was into figuring how to assemble hardware/furniture where I'd give up too easily. She liked model Aeroplanes etc, we were I suppose both feminine and masculine...I guess we balanced each other out.🥺


But now she's gone and I suppose I am again rebalancing to where I was heading before her in terms of Masculine/Feminine energy and the Feminine is getting stronger and stronger.










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Welcome Swallow

4 hours ago, swallow said:

But now she's gone and I suppose I am again rebalancing to where I was heading before her in terms of Masculine/Feminine energy and the Feminine is getting stronger and stronger.

I can kinda understand this.  After my marriage broke up, I took a long look at where I was headed before we were together, and started over again.  This time I went in a different direction.

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@swallow I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope time is helping the healing process. 

i can’t add much more to the comments and advice except 💚🖤💜

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Yes I take it philosophically, we are all evolving in this journey of life.


My spouse left me very bravely meeting her own death. I don't think I'd have her courage but she left me and all of us a lesson on how to die. She had decided to move on to her next life and made her peace.


It made me very sad and happy at the same time.


We never got to speak about this part of me but I feel she would have had a real good laugh, teased me to no end but would have wanted me to be myself always.


Life moves too quickly.😧


Sometimes it feels like a dream.











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Willow Farmer
16 hours ago, swallow said:

Having to get naked with them in the shared shower was deep down inside extremely difficult (I always waited to be the last) Then the smells one had to endure was alien to me (I never smelt quite the same as them)...there was an awful lot of testosterone and then the keeping up the Bravado (both hilarious and tiring)...probably why knee jerk I revert to a 'booming' voice as a survival/compensation mechanism...

Welcome to Trans Pulse Swallow.   Sorry for your loss.   You had a good partner.


   I grew up in a remote location w/o much male exposure.  I never got much "T" at puberty.  When I was bused to high school, I couldn't stand PE.   Boys smell, and they are gross.   I suffered terribly.  I served 2 years of PE hell.   I will never forget the emotional and physical suffering, yes, they beat me up too.   I have little to no body hair and have been told by partners that I smell and taste female.    There are a lot of intersex combinations.    We are all a bit unique.   I am not a girly-girl, more non-binary.   Go out and explore being yourself.


Don't be afraid to private message people here.   You might find a lifelong friend or two.


Willow McKenzie


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Talking it out to complete strangers but fellow 'travelers' on this unique journey has been great already.


I don't feel quite so alone anymore.🤗


Ironic but it gives me strength to slowly open up to those closer to me.

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Hi swallow,


re hormones: research shows that transgender MtF have low risk of cancer, lower than either cis gender.  Think of it this way: your body has not experienced 40 years of estrogen wash.  If you start, maybe worry about it 40 years from now?  Also the risk of cancer is very individual.  I'm very sorry for your loss.


Be sure to monitor your blood pressure if you start HRT, depending on your body, that can be more of a real risk, again very individual.


Re: Identity.  The great revelation to me was that this is about personal identity.  People, especially cis-males, instantly assume it's about some kind of sexual preference.  It really helps to be clear in your mind that you have to invent a gender identity for yourself and that's what it's all about.  And tell people, like your sister, about it.








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Many thanks GraceH


Its totally about identity for me. Sexuality is its own bag of complex issues.


But its so conflicted bc I'm not entirely at odds with some aspect of my so called 'male identity' either which is likely why its taken so long to work itself out and I'm here at a later age.


If anything I've tried to be as 'male' as possible. But its always felt so uneasy/alien within me even if outside I am welcome to the usual 'male camaraderie' rituals and enjoy it to an extent. When they went on with (admittedly funny but way too much) -vagina- jokes or on their side expeditions to go oogle/rate women...Inside there is a tiny voice in me that was always yelling out "err you guys know I'm extremely uncomfortable right now ...  I'm not male"🥺


Then there was the external problem. I have the reverse issue feeling like I'm not physically male enough, even if I passed some of the highest and more demanding male physical tests. Small bone, soft skin comparatively hairless, it was difficult in an all male surrounding. My one fall back was my voice.😒


Yet I know I'm not a woman either entirely. I wouldn't like the idea of having periods for one.


I tried to contemplate the idea of Androgyny but it doesn't seem to work with me falling into either or neither camp.


I thought maybe its 'crossdressing' yet it has nothing to do with it and dysphoric issues still remain with my clothes off.


Its a really puzzling conundrum.


In the end as I'm sure many here will agree, we are who we are without worrying too much about gender labels...


But I simply feel more comfortable functioning with more outwardly feminine expression. In a way the clothes suit me better (at least in my own mind...I now have to deal with the upcoming issue of aging)🙄.


Maybe the loss of my partner has sharpen focus on an earlier aspect that was getting down played by me. Or maybe I am at a point in my life where my own hormone levels have receded to further pronounce this other side of me and allow it to emerge.


The situation evolves and I am at a juncture I have to face it bc I feel many around me will start to be impacted if it carries on further.







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Yah the health thing is a worry for me partly bc I am a mild to habitual Hypochondriac...


But also since my spouse passed, I feel in a way thankful for my body regardless of my issues and complex relation with identity.


I really want a slightly more female form to complement my inside.🙅‍♀️


But I worry about risks. Not just cancer but since I had Guillan Barre Syndrome, I'm not sure if I would take the heighten risk with hormones. This only an endocrinologist can answer but my focus on self is also complicated by my means and my priority on my children at the moment.👫


I suppose if I am cleared, maybe a good way would be to micro-dose hormones, go slow.


If I had the magic pill to turn me into a woman, I would totally take it right now. But I need to be cautious bc I have to live (at least short term) for my kids till they are independent.



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Hi, Swallow.  Sorry I didn't see your thread when you started it.  Belated welcome!


The slightly feminized body is not uncommon among pre-transition trans women.  I am like that too.  When you think about the pre-natal process that makes us trans, it kind of makes sense.  In the womb, our hormone levels were such that our brains developed as female brains.  It makes sense that some other tissues might have been feminized at the same time by those same hormone levels..


I only ever had about two dozen chest hairs.  I have a 2-4 digit ratio (relative lengths of fingers) that is in the female range.  I don't have big brow ridges.  All kinds of little things like that, that made me un-masculine back when I thought I was a guy, and got me teased a lot in school.  Now, I am glad of it.


I, too, joined the military when I was younger.  They say that pre-transition trans women join the military at about double the rate of the general population.  Trying to prove something, I think.


Anyway, you fit in perfectly here.

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2 hours ago, swallow said:

Maybe the loss of my partner has sharpen focus on an earlier aspect that was getting down played by me. Or maybe I am at a point in my life where my own hormone levels have receded to further pronounce this other side of me and allow it to emerge.


I've wondered about these things in my own life.

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Hi KathrynLauren,


Yah the body hair is soooo weird. 🤔


I have very little hair. My legs have some hair (sparse). I plucked them out/weeding I call it (cos it was irritating a few 'sprouts' here and there and they've barely grown back anymore.


I dunno if it was my diet or just 'aging process' but five years ago I noticed one hair each on my tip of my elbows and my feet. I plucked those too and they did not return.🤗


OTOH the facial hair is far more resistant. Mine's mainly on my chin and above upper lip (not sure what they call this area scientifically)...I have not been able to do Laser or Electrolysis(Is that what they call it?)...bc of the lock down/pandemic. I've been reading on this site about the potential perils of DIY home sets  so I've resorted to plucking.


The hair was thick at first but from a year's effort, most of it is getting finer numbers are going down but slowly. I can't get myself to do the (Chaplin bit) directly under my nose though cos that hurts like a mother.....!!!😩😁


Thankfully I don't have to deal with any mutton chops or jowl hair but bloody hell! Magic wand please.


(I think my fingers are defo male though...ring finger definitely longer. My hands aren't small but they are fairly long and delicate....OTOH all those years of abuse doing brute stuff, a broken slightly bent pinky...no hand modelling for me now 😬)






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Hi Jandi,


Yah I don't regret one bit being male mode with my spouse and having our two children (One from each testicle as I often say)


But towards the later half of our relationship, she noticed less interest from me in the bedroom. And my hair (which I had let long) was becoming a increasing preoccupation with/for me.🙆‍♀️


(This should be on  a hair thread I suppose) but my hair is such a bother. I've always had incredibly fine hair  and I have a full head (My hairdresser friend said I had a lot of it but its thin). At one point she quib that I was shedding more hair than she was on Chemo.😄


She often  encouraged me to cut it which became an unspoken annoyance to me I swallowed. I use to braid it bc the hair is also slightly wavy/frizzy and unruly which made me look sometimes like a mad Beethoven on the piano (minus the talent). She use to call it the rat tail jokingly which deep down inside made me even more dysphoric. OTOH it was good to have someone with unvarnished truth...


But one of the most tender things she did later was to groom and trim my hair for me one day out of the blue (when she had shaved hers bald for the Chemo). We did not say much beyond how I wanted it. But deep down inside, it meant a lot to me.🥰


Now she's gone, I feel guilty I did not have the conversation but I never felt it mattered then bc as I told her when once if she asked if I was her 'Danish Girl' (which should have been my opportunity, I told her it did not matter anyway bc at the end of the day we are Human Beings first.


In some ways I'm trying to embrace and love my Feminine side more now but eventually, I feel (as we all are) I am heading towards aging anyway which is the great equaliser. By that stage I guess (if I happen to even get there), I aim to be able to transcend sex& gender...😇


I think for me I would have been able to function as (some form of) male in some way (besides the sex) with Dysphoria in check if my Spouse was still around.


BUT now without her, this Dysphoria is SOOO pronounced and all encompassing. I feel a need to keep it in check bc of my adolescent children. But as they are getting older now, increasingly, I feel shifted more towards a sense of self acceptance over disingenuous cover up. Still its baby steps for me. I'm so nervous about fully coming out.😦


Just opening up on this forum I think is helping me with a little courage knowing others have thread the path before me.🤗








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1 hour ago, swallow said:

I have not been able to do Laser or Electrolysis(Is that what they call it?)...bc of the lock down/pandemic. I've been reading on this site about the potential perils of DIY home sets  so I've resorted to plucking.


Be careful with plucking.  At some point, you will likely want electrolysis (yes, that's the term).  Plucking can damage the follicle so that the electrolysis needle won't go into it.  The less plucking you do, the more likely electrolysis is to be successful.

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ooooo....good to know many thanks!😶

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3 hours ago, swallow said:

she asked if I was her 'Danish Girl'

Guess she knew you pretty well.

My ex is still living and we are friends.  But I still miss her a lot.  Kids are all adults now.

One time she had met a trans woman and told me they reminded her of me.  But I was still in denial at the time.  It did make me think.

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      I think it came down to there was thing one thing that kept popping up that I new needed attention, and was harming me. So that is when I decided to start talking to my therapist about gender and asked the question of myself and to her, am I transgender. From there it has been a journey of self-discovery into who the real me is. I have historically dealt with pretty bad depression, and still combat social anxiety. The depression has become better, and the social anxiety has kind of gotten worse. Just learning though how to manage the social anxiety is becoming key. I am hoping my depression cycle this year that hits October won’t be as bad.  
    • AmberM
      The most interesting non-famous person I have met is honestly my paternal grandmother. She grew up in Columbus, helping take care of her siblings, but also cousins growing up. She took the bus from Dublin to downtown Columbus as a nurse and worked at Grant Hospital for a period of time. When she met my grandfather, they eventually both joined the American Red Cross. They lived a great many places as my grandfather work as a base liaison and she joined as nurse. They were stationed a great many places, from Maine, to Germany, to Panama. Eventually they set some roots down near Fort Lee in Virginia. She would occasionally be requested to go work up in Washington, DC. One of those times, she actually ended up doing a blood donation from Jimmy Carter. One of the other interesting things is because they have lived all around the world, during Christmas time, they decorate the house head to toe, with 9 Christmas Trees and they are up to 4 Christmas villages. Prior to COVID, they would throw parties, and admission was a donation of food to the food pantry.   With living this interesting life though, unfortunately she is now battling dementia, which is winning. I know she has lived a full life full of adventure and rewards. This is just her story.  
    • unknown
      self harm is self harm no matter what how it is inflicted. I used to cut and how I was able to stop was seeing a therapist and learning new coping strategies. It will take time and don't expect overnight results. the reasons you give for bruising yourself are the same reasons I used to cut for, to relive the emotions i didn't have to coping skills to deal with.  please seek help for this. it was a long road for me but it was worth it.
    • Jackie C.
      I always channeled them into art.   Hugs!
    • Shay
      @Red_Lauren. I love hearing about good memories thank you.   @Petra Jane what a refreshing and inspiring story. I am so glad you recovered and prospered from the meeting of another kind person.
    • Jackie C.
      And I'm usually just listening to my own pandora feed, but WNIC has some of the same music so that's where the radio's at. They're more mainstream, but they gotta sell ads.   Hugs!  
    • Shay
      Ok I used to listen to CKLW and Byron Macgregor. And my favorite FM station was WABX. They used to play LedZeppelin II full side.
    • Willow
      Good Sunday morning y’all    @KymmieL I had a Ranger in the nineties 2x4 long bed stick.  I enjoyed driving that.  But I lived where traffic jams were commonplace.  I also had a bad left knee.  My doc said no more clutch.  It was replaced by a Ford E150 conversion van.  Like driving your living room down the highway. Came in great for going to Florida to get our son in college.  Then came my first Jeep.  It was a Liberty.    we lived on a steep hill at the time.  One winter we had a pretty bad snow.  Now most of my neighbors had a 4x4 something Broncos, Toyota’s didn’t matter everyone  knew if you wanted to get up the hill in the snow you had to have one.  My son called me, he was stuck on the main road and the snow plow was coming. Could I try to pull him out.  I got in my Jeep,backed out on the hill and drove off.  Everyone of my neighbors just stared.  I got to him hooked up and started pulling. After we got home he tells me he forgot to take off his parking brake.  So nothing stopped that Jeep. And this one has the same transfer case and even better anti spin differentials. Not the Dodge setup they use in all the other Jeep badged Rams.  So while I like Fords, (my beater is an Explorer Eddie Bauer)! Nothing beats a Jeep unless it’s highly modified.   This one is named Tweetie.  I’m guessing that’s strike three, eh girlfriend? 🥰   hugs   Willow
    • Petra Jane
      Unfortunately, I am now unable to remember very clearly those famous people I have met, I know I met some of the Grumblweeds (a UK band in the 80’s), local personalities but the person who made the most lasting impression on me was the team leader of the Stoke team when I was hospitalised following a couple of strokes. she helped me come to terms with the way my life changed, having survived two strokes, her words, survived the weekend when the nurses didn’t think I was going to make it, and giving me the support I needed to not just survive but improve my life and my health afterwards. It was a delight to be able to return a few years later, meet her, and thank her for her support, and to be honest, show how much improved I was from the day I was discharged.
    • Teri Anne
      Love thrift stores and you never know what you will find. I collect military jackets and BDUs and I found a slant pocket insect repellent combat shirt. The pattern is more a woodland camo style. Need to do a bit of research into what branch wore the style of shirt.
    • Red_Lauren.
      Not really famous, but locally famous. I know a few local djs at a some what personal level. From when I worked in radio.    I also got to meet one of our local news anchors when I was a bouncer, and it didn't click who she was till I asked for a id. She was super nice, and we chatted for a few minutes. As I was getting her a voucher for a free ride home. A few days later. I was walking in to the gym as she was leaving, and she looked at me like she has seen me before. 
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