Planning for trouble

[PixieOfTheHills]

As I increasingly present androgynous, I’ve been thinking about what I’ll do in various situations. 
 

So far, I don’t *think* I’ve received any verbal abuse in the street, although the other day I might have heard some man say ‘woman’ to me as I passed by. I was wearing headphones so not paying much attention to him, but he was looking at me when he said it. 
 

Actually, headphones allow you to ignore comments but of course you might want/need to know what is really being said about/to you.

 

 I’ve planned that if I get verbally accosted in the street I might say something like ‘it’s called style. Something you clearly know nothing about’, which should disarm them at least temporarily. Then just walk on. 
 

Kids. These are often the worst when they get in a group. Here in the uk kids often walk to/from school. And they use their age to protect themselves. Today, unplanned, I happened to be out walking when the kids were on their way to school. None of them gave me a second glance...... except one.... who definitely did a double take. That could have been for any one of a hundred reasons. But, the exercise here is..... be aware of others, and, get used to making a habit of being aware.

 

 Groups of adults. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid if it’s late at night or near where alcohol might have been consumed. 
 

Misfortune to be set upon by a lone.... sorry.... no other word for it...... nutter. Here in the uk we’re not allowed mace or anything like it. It’s considered an offensive weapon. Carrying an alarm? Nobody would be within earshot, knowing my luck!!! So it’s down to being assertive and not a soft target. As I do combat exercise classes at home, it teaches you how to present yourself in a fighting stance, followed by the punches and kicks and..... at the same time you get fit (and burn calories ?).

 

 So these are my first thoughts on self preservation. But I suppose the best advice I can give myself is...... just don’t go anywhere near where there might be trouble. And if I have to, I’m lucky in that I can quickly and easily adjust my appearance so as to not attract attention. If needs must. 

[tracy_j]

18 hours ago, PixieOfTheHills said:

 Groups of adults. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid if it’s late at night or near where alcohol might have been consumed.

That is my number one for problems! I prefer to avoid town at night but am seldom go, especially at the moment.

 

I don't get verbal abuse much, if hardly at all, at least locally. I think much depends on exactly where you are. Some places seem far worse than others. Here in the East Midlands things tend to be pretty quiet. I do remember one time walking past a group on lounging teenagers but just ignored them. Just one showing off, as he was before he even saw me. He may have even been high so it would have been risky to comment. That was over in the west though.

 

Kids sometimes comment but it is rare. Little children sometimes stare as I think they cannot work things out. The most interesting was two local boys passing on their bicycles. One said to the other - 'I wonder what it's like being a lesbian?'. I wondered on that question for some while too (I have a female partner). It takes some thinking lol

 

It reminds me of an incident I had in 'Next' a few years ago. I joined the queue at the tills, with a new coat I was buying, just behind a couple with their teenage daughter. When they saw me they all nervously smiled, almost stifled laughs. That I can accept as it is a natural reaction and not intentionally negative. Worse though, the man then picked a women's hat off a nearby stand and did silly poses. I was actually amused particularly as he soon looked like a real heel reacting to the glare he got from both his wife and daughter. I honestly found it amusing and do see it as a positive incident for all concerned. He got swift and correct justice. Yes I do think it good to have a sense of humour.

 

Personally i find it best to keep a good eye out for problems so I can be ready before anything happens. I am luckily blessed with women's intuition, at least most of the time, so read trouble and spot individuals often well before anything happens, even if it is incidents not connected with me at all. Yes something can happen with the lone 'nutter' but I am reasonably tall and look fit so hopefully don't seem like easy prey. I tend to attract lone and 'different' people anyway as I don't instantly reject them like perhaps many would so am not unfamiliar with their types of actions. It's very unusual, if ever, for me to wear headphones in public. To me, it's not the danger from intentional assult so much as unintentional accidents and situations. I like to be aware of the world and, apart from the odd negative comment, there can be lots of good ones too. I do chat to people as I go which would be impossible if I were closed in.

 

There are some men who 'glare' and don't speak. If passing in the street I say hello as I pass (I live in a village where people do that), to be friendly. It may put them on the back foot if they were going to ecalate things. Women are usually pretty friendly although strangely when I visited Scotland (Glasgow area and coast) the women were actually far worse and quite nasty at times whereas the men were totally unconcerned. I never worked that one out.

 

Tracy

 

 

[PixieOfTheHills]

Extremely interesting post Tracy. Thanks for that. And I concur. 

[Sally Stone]

I still think it's sad that we have to worry that our presentation can be a problem for others, however, it is the world we live in, so being cautious comes with the territory.  I was in a shopping mall with a girlfriend when a group of older teenagers began following and heckling us.  Clearly, their pack mentality emboldened them.  That incident was a rare occurrence, though, not indicative of my usual experiences in public.

 

Again, we should never take our own safety for granted, but my experience has been that eye contact, a smile and a big friendly hello can usually disarm anyone.  The other thing I have always done is to act as if I own the space I'm occupying.  I think it sends the covert message: "don't mess with me."

 

Every once in a while we all get the chance to meet the ultimate jerk; in that case, the best course of action is to just walk away without comment.

[DeeDee]

21 hours ago, PixieOfTheHills said:

I suppose the best advice I can give myself is...... just don’t go anywhere near where there might be trouble.

I have always tried to live by this motto, and genuinely think it is a good rule of thumb regardless.

 

Like Sally I think it is a crying shame that society still thinks rudeness and casual bullying and violence are acceptable as long as it's aimed at someone else.  

[PixieOfTheHills]

5 hours ago, Ellie Jean said:

'm usually awake all night and asleep all day, especially now that I just got a job working at Smith's with the freight crew from 12 AM - 6:00 AM. Being a night owl in cowboy country, I always have a gun on me ready to go, not to mention years of martial arts training and years of emergency response work, (plus a rough childhood where I ended up being jumped into a street gang lol) so all in all I feel pretty safe; I even dare say I'm a little bit of a bad ass lmao. ?

I just love this post!!! All of it. I presume tht all the facts are actually true legal facts, an you could do all that. 
 

There’s only one problem I can see here. What if they can’t bother waiting for you to go to Washington before settling the matter? It’s like, when I’ve been in altercations in the past, my adversary has always objected to my saying, when he’s really got me going, ‘I’ll be back’.  He just, I don’t know, runs away, mumbling something about a vista.

 

 So maybe I will go the legally binding contract route from now on. I have some confidence in it now!!!

 

 Thank you @Ellie Jean ?

[PixieOfTheHills]

 Love it!!! ?

[Bri2020]

Girlfriends Night Out Rules:

 

We enter together- we leave together. NO EXCEPTIONS

No ditching 

Need to go to the bathroom? take a friend

Going to the bar? take a friend

Dance floor?  take a friend

Never leave your drink alone.

Never drink a drink someone else brought over to you.

Want to hook up with someone? Get their number for another night.

The evening ends when the first person who wants to call it a night says so. No Arguments

We walk each other to our cars, second to last person drives the last person to theirs.

 

I was made to memorize these last week when I went out with a bunch of ladies in Savannah.

Most were women of color so they were emphasizing, it's not safe for women in general, but especially for us and YOU.

I loved being cared for

 

[mmspc]

On 5/18/2021 at 4:19 PM, Ellie Jean said:

I'm usually awake all night and asleep all day, especially now that I just got a job working at Smith's with the freight crew from 12 AM - 6:00 AM. Being a night owl in cowboy country, I always have a gun on me ready to go, not to mention years of martial arts training and years of emergency response work, (plus a rough childhood where I ended up being jumped into a street gang lol) so all in all I feel pretty safe; I even dare say I'm a little bit of a bad ass lmao. ?

I figure if any coworkers at work gives me any grief about my being trans I'll just challenge them to a fight and watch them shrink lol. ...Things get only slightly more complicated if they actually agree to settle it with a duel; I'd have to have them follow me to Washington real quick (it's only a couple hundred miles or so away; few hours drive, tops). In Washington, I'd then have to write up a little contract on some scratch paper declaring our willingness to engage in mutual combat until one of us taps out. FINALLY, I would have to contact the local police department and let them know of our arrangement, then politely ask them to send a cop over to serve as a referee as is required by law. THEN, once the constable arrives, THAT STUPID JERK FROM WORK and my charming self can have ourselves a good ol' fashioned fistfight to see if he still wants to be a stupid doo-doo head hehehehe. XD

....God bless America lmao. ?

 ?  Yeee-haaa & yes, GOD BLESS AMERICA!   I love this country!??

[Dartti Dare]

On 5/25/2021 at 12:08 PM, Bri2020 said:

Girlfriends Night Out Rules:

 

We enter together- we leave together. NO EXCEPTIONS

No ditching 

Need to go to the bathroom? take a friend

Going to the bar? take a friend

Dance floor?  take a friend

Never leave your drink alone.

Never drink a drink someone else brought over to you.

Want to hook up with someone? Get their number for another night.

The evening ends when the first person who wants to call it a night says so. No Arguments

We walk each other to our cars, second to last person drives the last person to theirs.

 

I was made to memorize these last week when I went out with a bunch of ladies in Savannah.

Most were women of color so they were emphasizing, it's not safe for women in general, but especially for us and YOU.

I loved being cared for

 

Man, I gotta get into this mind set. I'm so used to blindly stumbling around like a man. The other day, my wife, brother and I where out. We where headed back to the car and my back was hurting (i have a bad back) so I asked her if she would bring it around while I sat on a park bench. She said sure and ask my brother if he would into the public garage with her (as his initial reaction would be to hang out with me). He did, and while they where gone, it dawned on me it was for protection. I , in my "male" days, would have gone right in all by my lonesome, no care in the world. And I still feel that way. Now, as a woman (and a TRANS one at that) I need to think like my wife. Even if that initial caution/fear doesn't come naturally yet. 

[Kelly2509]

1 hour ago, Dartti Dare said:

Man, I gotta get into this mind set. I'm so used to blindly stumbling around like a man. The other day, my wife, brother and I where out. We where headed back to the car and my back was hurting (i have a bad back) so I asked her if she would bring it around while I sat on a park bench. She said sure and ask my brother if he would into the public garage with her (as his initial reaction would be to hang out with me). He did, and while they where gone, it dawned on me it was for protection. I , in my "male" days, would have gone right in all by my lonesome, no care in the world. And I still feel that way. Now, as a woman (and a TRANS one at that) I need to think like my wife. Even if that initial caution/fear doesn't come naturally yet. 

I think this is similar to why my wife worries about me so much, which I haven't really understood until now.  I always looked at it as I'm more likely to get hit by a car walking the dog than to have some rando come up and beat me up (or whatever, I guess) so I tend to use the "probability defense" when she gets worked up about safety.  Plus I don't really go out at night and aside from some fairly short shorts I don't wear anything super fem right now.  I think a lot of that mindset comes from the notion (some might say self esteem issues) that because of how I look I don't think anyone is going to want anything to do with this (there is anecdotal evidence, haha!).  All that said, the first time I decided to wear a skirt in public for an extended period of time I latched onto a friend like they were some kind of social life preserver so maybe I'm not so tough after all

[Carolyn Marie]

My son looks out for me whenever we are together, which isn't very often any more.  He is very protective, and would duke it out with anyone who threatened me, even though he's just 5'5" tall himself.  But I almost always have my self protection devices on me.  The question is, though, how much time would I have to react?  A lot of these hater cowards like to cold-cock people, rather than look someone in the eye and challenge them.  If they did that, I think I could hold my own (for about a minute).

 

Carolyn Marie

[Phoenix]

On 5/25/2021 at 11:08 AM, Bri2020 said:

Girlfriends Night Out Rules:

 

We enter together- we leave together. NO EXCEPTIONS

No ditching 

Need to go to the bathroom? take a friend

Going to the bar? take a friend

Dance floor?  take a friend

Never leave your drink alone.

Never drink a drink someone else brought over to you.

Want to hook up with someone? Get their number for another night.

The evening ends when the first person who wants to call it a night says so. No Arguments

We walk each other to our cars, second to last person drives the last person to theirs.

 

I was made to memorize these last week when I went out with a bunch of ladies in Savannah.

Most were women of color so they were emphasizing, it's not safe for women in general, but especially for us and YOU.

I loved being cared for

 

That’s awesome.

[Charlize]

On 5/25/2021 at 12:08 PM, Bri2020 said:

I was made to memorize these last week when I went out with a bunch of ladies in Savannah.

Most were women of color so they were emphasizing, it's not safe for women in general, but especially for us and YOU.

I loved being cared for

As a woman i know i may have issues.  Only in the safest of areas can a woman move around by herself with little fear.  I guess we are also safe at the market or other places where we outnumber men.  As a trans woman of course those dangers are even greater.  Understanding this took me time.  I wasn't used to being the "prey".  Of course i could be tough, carry a gun(which is difficult here) or other device.  I could take more martial arts classes or i could simply follow the suggestions Bri made and use care in my life as a woman.  It is one of those lessons we discover as we get to understand how another gender has always lived.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Charlize said:

 It is one of those lessons we discover as we get to understand how another gender has always lived.

When I first came out, this was pointed out to me by one of my daughters.

[stveee]

On 5/18/2021 at 5:01 AM, Sally Stone said:

I still think it's sad that we have to worry that our presentation can be a problem for others, however, it is the world we live in, so being cautious comes with the territory.  I was in a shopping mall with a girlfriend when a group of older teenagers began following and heckling us.  Clearly, their pack mentality emboldened them.  That incident was a rare occurrence, though, not indicative of my usual experiences in public.

 

Again, we should never take our own safety for granted, but my experience has been that eye contact, a smile and a big friendly hello can usually disarm anyone.  The other thing I have always done is to act as if I own the space I'm occupying.  I think it sends the covert message: "don't mess with me."

 

Every once in a while we all get the chance to meet the ultimate jerk; in that case, the best course of action is to just walk away without comment.

This is some really good experience Sally, I like the comment about herd mentality and peer pressure that people feel and us: having the presence that "we belong there". 

The first experience I had when I was married was in a dress in a nightclub and the lead singer of the band onstage actually stopped midlyric and pointed me out. Actually, he embarassed himself more than me, which happens quite a bit. But obviously the lesson learned, nightclubs+booze= rolling dice.

 

Now, the most common reaction is people recognize what you are and quickly avert their eyes or change course, a lot when I am shopping. The guy at the gas station I see routinely won't even meet eyes. I go about solo quite a bit so I generally do in a sense of having things to do and places to go like everyone else.

[Betty K]

On 5/26/2021 at 2:08 AM, Bri2020 said:

Girlfriends Night Out Rules:

 

Wow such great advice Bri, thank you! It all sounds so hard for an isolated loner like myself though. I’m hoping if/when I do this transition thing I’m going to become magically more social. Weirder things have happened.

[Abigail Eleanor]

On 5/25/2021 at 12:08 PM, Bri2020 said:

Girlfriends Night Out Rules:

 

We enter together- we leave together. NO EXCEPTIONS

No ditching 

Need to go to the bathroom? take a friend

Going to the bar? take a friend

Dance floor?  take a friend

Never leave your drink alone.

Never drink a drink someone else brought over to you.

Want to hook up with someone? Get their number for another night.

The evening ends when the first person who wants to call it a night says so. No Arguments

We walk each other to our cars, second to last person drives the last person to theirs.

 

I was made to memorize these last week when I went out with a bunch of ladies in Savannah.

Most were women of color so they were emphasizing, it's not safe for women in general, but especially for us and YOU.

I loved being cared for

 

This ought to be pinned. Has it been pinned? Pardon me if it has, I'm doing a quick scan during a momentary break...thanks, @Bri2020 for sharing!

[Abigail Eleanor]

On 10/30/2021 at 7:45 AM, Betty K said:

... I’m going to become magically more social. Weirder things have happened.

🤭😊🙃 I love this! I have a similar hope, though I'll be perfectly content if I remain the solitary flower that I've always been. 

[Betty K]

3 hours ago, Abigail Eleanor said:

I love this! I have a similar hope, though I'll be perfectly content if I remain the solitary flower that I've always been. 

 

Wow Abigail, your timing is impeccable. I'd completely forgotten about this comment I made just over a year ago, but as fate would have it I just went on my first ever girls' night out on Saturday, with three brand new friends. I'm just over five months on HRT and only about three weeks full-time, but I think the magic is happening. Thanks for reminding me that sometimes wishes do come true!

[Bri2020]

2 hours ago, Betty K said:

 

Wow Abigail, your timing is impeccable. I'd completely forgotten about this comment I made just over a year ago, but as fate would have it I just went on my first ever girls' night out on Saturday, with three brand new friends. I'm just over five months on HRT and only about three weeks full-time, but I think the magic is happening. Thanks for reminding me that sometimes wishes do come true!

Girlfriends are the bomb. We all need as many in our lives as we can get.  I just had my end of transition party (Vaginabration) where I invited all the women (and identifying) friends I have to celebrate and realized that I legit had 50+ girlfriends out there! Since it was a women only party, I had a number of them come up and talk about how important it was (and fun) to have these girlfriend events and evenings where can can come together to celebrate each other.  

[Betty K]

48 minutes ago, Bri2020 said:

50+ girlfriends

 

Whoa okay, I have a ways to go! But I'm on my way. That sounds amazing Bri. Happy Vaginabration to you!

[Abigail Eleanor]

All this is so happy and inspiring! 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Its been nearly 3 months since I was assaulted and put in the hospital.  Thinking back... seems like the number one rule when you're small and not particularly assertive is to avoid being alone.  There's safety in numbers.  Having friends and family is so important!

 

I wasn't ever much of a fan of going out late at night....but my assault happened in mid-morning, so time of day isn't a guarantee of safety.  I carry a gun with me on my husband's orders, but in spite of training I know I just don't have the personality to use it, except perhaps if there's a snake.  I'm gentle, clueless and clumsy...and easily distracted. 

 

I'm learning that I have to be more open about asking for what I need.  It feels a bit needy to ask my sister or a partner to go with me for a simple run to the post office, but I've learned that even a quick trip doesn't mean I'm supposed to be by myself.   

[Kerry_Autumn]

On 11/23/2022 at 8:33 PM, awkward-yet-sweet said:

II carry a gun with me on my husband's orders, but in spite of training I know I just don't have the personality to use it, except perhaps if there's a snake.  I'm gentle, clueless and clumsy...and easily distracted.

I've had a couple of incidents where I was physically threatened/assaulted, and awkward-yet-sweet, I'm so sorry you ended up hurt and in the hospital.

There is so much great advice in this thread, but I would add that learning some basic self defense skills can be really handy if something happens, and it can be a big confidence booster, just knowing you can handle yourself.  Before coming to terms with my gender identity issues I used and sold drugs, so I have had allot of violent experience and have had training in self defense.  Firearms are very serious, and as they can be as deadly to the person carrying them as to anyone coming after them, I prefer knives.  I good friend of mine who was a trans woman and a sex worker.  She told me about how she tapped a razor blade to the inside of her belt, or somewhere on her clothes so she always had something close to hand if her date went bad.  Having a blade and doing a bit of practice can be a real asset.

I don't drive so I'm always on public transportation, which is where I've had most of my issues.  I had a guy start up with verbally assaulting me and then getting physically intimidating.  When he got in my personal space and was trying to put his hands on me, I pulled a knife and that changed his attitude real quick. Lucky for me the bus driver called the transit police and backed me up when they came to pull the guy off the bus at the next stop.

I know physical self defense training isn't possible for everyone, but with my personal history I feel it's something that is very important to me when I go in public presenting fem, if for nothing else then a confidence boost. 

As an aside, there's a great org in the Seattle area called the Pink Pistols; it's a LGBTQ gun club.  They're really cool folks.