Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Problems with my Mom


Taylor_The_Human

Recommended Posts

Hi I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this and if it's not I apologize but I thought this was closest to the topic I will be speaking about here. To start things off I'm a minor so I have an option to live either with my grandparents or my mom. I chose my mom since she is an atheist and strong democrat and my grandparents are hardcore conservatives and sort of scare me with how religious they are (no offense to anyone who may be very religious). I am a democrat and feel happier with my mom the only issue is I can't seem to figure out how she feels about me mentioning anything that has to deal with the LGBTQIA+ community. However, I do seem to notice a pattern which seems to be a negative reaction whenever the topic is brought up. I bring it up to get things out and to try and make her understand how I feel but whenever I do so, she cries or becomes very aggressive and angry towards me. Now, she is a wonderful mother and one of the closest people to me but she just seems very unreliable to speak to when I need to talk about things like dysphoria I experience or the idea of getting therapy. I'm not sure if she's worried and that's what's leading her to these negative emotions or the fact that she cannot get me any help. My father has not complied with the child support funds for me that he was supposed to. Thus, I cannot get any help for any mental issues (I have other issues besides dysphoria) but I will not mention that since that is a bit more personal. Anyway, back to my mom, she gets upset usually and I hate seeing her so frustrated because I feel guilty and know I'm the reason that she suddenly feels upset, she has a lot going on at work and I understand how stressful my own problems could be on top of all of that. But I need to get my feelings out I know that when I don't I become a huge mess and often have panic attacks or mental breakdowns (one occurred last week..). But sometimes she isn't upset? Well, obviously I don't really know what's going through her mind but for example, the other day my mom and her friend and I (whom is also my friend I suppose?) were all eating at an Indonesian restaurant and this girl and her family came in and the girl would not stop looking at me. I went to the bathroom thinking I had food on my clothes or face but I did not. So I assumed the girl liked me or something? (she looked about 12 so it wouldn't have been inappropriate to think so). When we left the restaurant she kept watching me leave the restaurant and looked sad once I left. My mom then suggested that maybe she had a crush on me. I'm not sure if she was joking or if she was actually trying to suggest it in a friendly way. Which is why I'm confused whether she's ok with me and my feelings or not. She thinks I'm a lesbian since I used to be and I never told her I was trans. Whenever I bring up transgender topics she gets very upset and she then ends up saying: "those surgeries cut and ruin your body" which makes me frustrated and since her friend is weak he just agrees so she won't be upset. Anyways, I am very confused and if there are any parents of transgender youth or people who may be able to recognize and understand her behavior. It'd be great if someone would be able to suggest what they think may be her deal! I just want to understand her point of view and stop causing her issues. I feel like a horrible child. However, I think people have their own needs too and sometimes that's important to get out. 

 

Thanks for reading this and if you have any advice please comment it below.

-Taylor 

Link to comment

I think she may just be worried about you - not necessarily in a hostile way.

As a parent of grown children, it's not easy to watch them grow up and into themselves.  As a parent you have to let it happen and realize that they are their own person, with their own life.  And it will be different than yours was.

I'm not sure that any of us "have it together" as much as we want to believe.

And I'm not sure a cis person can really understand what it's like for us.  We just have to try to love each other and do the best we can with what we have.

 

Probably not much help for you at the moment though.

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Jandi said:

I think she may just be worried about you - not necessarily in a hostile way.

As a parent of grown children, it's not easy to watch them grow up and into themselves.  As a parent you have to let it happen and realize that they are their own person, with their own life.  And it will be different than yours was.

I'm not sure that any of us "have it together" as much as we want to believe.

And I'm not sure a cis person can really understand what it's like for us.  We just have to try to love each other and do the best we can with what we have.

 

Probably not much help for you at the moment though.

I can kind of understand how she could be worried since I may experience threats or bullying. She doesn't seem comfortable with me growing up. It seems she doesn't like me around people who have more privileges like going out alone or shopping alone. I hope she'll accept me in the future or believe that I'll be ok. I still want her apart of my life since she's always been there for me I hope she could sort of grow to understand me though.

2 hours ago, Mary Jane said:

well my parents wasn't accepting when i first came out and i think trying now i think i understand their view because it might be like "who have you been then?" to them, but we're really still just us 

Yeah, I think that she sees it like that too. Like "I thought you were my daughter. Who are you now? Have you never been my child..?" I wrote several pages explaining that I get that viewpoint but that I'm still me just with a different look kind of? (that's when I was planning to tell her I was trans). Like your daughter's still here but now she's your son. I never gave her the paper though. When I wanted to it was always a bad time. So, it got lost in her car. Either that or she found it and dumped it so I'd think I lost it to avoid a situation where she'd be upset with who I was and me witnessing it. ? I still love my mom and I suppose if I must portray the act of a girl to make her happy then I guess I'll just have to learn to accept that. ?

Link to comment

Taylor, it sounds a lot like your Mother is fearful. The reactions of anger and aggression are ways for her to try to distance herself from the conversation (it is a type of emotional unavailability). Jandi is really accurate in her view that cis-gender people really can't fundamentally seem to understand us. It may not be super helpful to try to tell your Mom about your dysphoric feelings and such, as she may simply shut down and make you both suffer. (NOT intentionally!) You have done your "job" by telling her and being open, AND you must know: none of this can ever (and will never) be "your fault!" You can not cause happiness or sadness in anyone but yourself! Maybe your mom will come to terms with you or maybe she will not, but if you need to vent, it may be best to do it on this forum or even in your own journal. It seems weird to "vent to yourself" but just getting the words out, whether outloud or in writing seems to really help!

Can you talk to a therapist at school or somehow in your community? Your age may be your advantage here (use it!).

Good luck

S.

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Sabine said:

Taylor, it sounds a lot like your Mother is fearful. The reactions of anger and aggression are ways for her to try to distance herself from the conversation (it is a type of emotional unavailability). Jandi is really accurate in her view that cis-gender people really can't fundamentally seem to understand us. It may not be super helpful to try to tell your Mom about your dysphoric feelings and such, as she may simply shut down and make you both suffer. (NOT intentionally!) You have done your "job" by telling her and being open, AND you must know: none of this can ever (and will never) be "your fault!" You can not cause happiness or sadness in anyone but yourself! Maybe your mom will come to terms with you or maybe she will not, but if you need to vent, it may be best to do it on this forum or even in your own journal. It seems weird to "vent to yourself" but just getting the words out, whether outloud or in writing seems to really help!

Can you talk to a therapist at school or somehow in your community? Your age may be your advantage here (use it!).

Good luck

S.

Well I haven't actually told her I'm trans yet, just lesbian but that was last year. It's been maybe a bit over a year I've been trans without her knowing. I have a journal, but I come here more often so I can get advice. Also, in fear that she may find it. I could try to talk to a counselor if I return in person back to school. But, I'm afraid of doing so since last time the counselors at my middle school told people everything. I'm in high school now but I'm afraid this may happen again.. I don't know much people who will accept it although, I did have some friends but they drifted away and found new friends to replace me. Next year I may try to get a passport and see if I could travel to another country (even for a bit) and meet some friends without my mom knowing they accept that stuff. ? Thanks for your advice I'll try to use it the best I can. 

 

Link to comment
Quote

Anyways, I am very confused and if there are any parents of transgender youth or people who may be able to recognize and understand her behavior.

 

Taylor,

         While I obviously don't know either your mom or grandparents I find your political awareness & distinctions to be quite humorous. I am an older, divorced "transparent" of two myself whose "cis kids" are probably not much older than you (23 & 21) and my experience has been that "democrats" are generally unhappy people who are completely out of touch with "reality".

 

         Begging pardon of others here  (nuff said) but, aside from "political", trans really has NOTHING real to do with "LGB" at all and, suspecting your mom could be right , it's quite possible that doctors & "surgeries [might] cut and ruin your body". 

 

Read intersex/trans science historian Alice Dreger's "Galileo's Middle Finger"

(boring in parts but relevant & cheap on "Nook")

 

         You are young, have time, my doctor is very specialized in FtM as well but there's no real cause right now for putting undue stress on parents. I also wanted to transition at your age but he (my doc) says "patience" is often the best medicine. Case in point: I have never done the expense of "therapists" and, once a certain age is attained, he won't require it of you either so do just try to Cheer Up & Live!

 

          Being retired as well I also do a lot of grand-babysitting of "4" and suspect your grandparents would be much more "stable & accepting" than you think ie: both my ex's and daughter-in-law's grandmothers  (80's & 90+) found my desire to transition as "quite cool with them" despite "religion" and, as far as "lesbian" goes well, it is widely expected these days that youth "experiment" (it's quite "ok" and normal, especially if you feel "as a guy"?)

 

Welcome! Keep us updated!

 

 

 

 

Link to comment

(ps: as "a parent" I only see BIG PLUS 'cause YOU, with "other girls", at least ain't getting pregnant!)

Link to comment
On 5/18/2021 at 4:28 AM, Kiera said:

(ps: as "a parent" I only see BIG PLUS 'cause YOU, with "other girls", at least ain't getting pregnant!)

I also noticed that as a big plus (I can continue with school and not worry about getting pregnant or making my mom mad!)

Link to comment
On 5/18/2021 at 4:11 AM, Kiera said:

 

Taylor,

         While I obviously don't know either your mom or grandparents I find your political awareness & distinctions to be quite humorous. I am an older, divorced "transparent" of two myself whose "cis kids" are probably not much older than you (23 & 21) and my experience has been that "democrats" are generally unhappy people who are completely out of touch with "reality".

 

         Begging pardon of others here  (nuff said) but, aside from "political", trans really has NOTHING real to do with "LGB" at all and, suspecting your mom could be right , it's quite possible that doctors & "surgeries [might] cut and ruin your body". 

 

Read intersex/trans science historian Alice Dreger's "Galileo's Middle Finger"

(boring in parts but relevant & cheap on "Nook")

 

         You are young, have time, my doctor is very specialized in FtM as well but there's no real cause right now for putting undue stress on parents. I also wanted to transition at your age but he (my doc) says "patience" is often the best medicine. Case in point: I have never done the expense of "therapists" and, once a certain age is attained, he won't require it of you either so do just try to Cheer Up & Live!

 

          Being retired as well I also do a lot of grand-babysitting of "4" and suspect your grandparents would be much more "stable & accepting" than you think ie: both my ex's and daughter-in-law's grandmothers  (80's & 90+) found my desire to transition as "quite cool with them" despite "religion" and, as far as "lesbian" goes well, it is widely expected these days that youth "experiment" (it's quite "ok" and normal, especially if you feel "as a guy"?)

 

Welcome! Keep us updated!

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I suppose it is a possibility that a doctor could screw something up. I realize I have time and I suppose time is my friend in this sort of situation. I suppose I'll take it a step at a time and see how time treats me and if anything I was gonna resort to binders maybe some HRT and a masculine haircut? ? Since I'm a bit hesitant with permanent surgery. And I also agree that maybe looking for a therapist may cause stress between me and my mom. (My dad won't help w that in fear someone will see that someone on his insurance is "crazy" which I thought they're not allowed to do at his job..) I'm still not too trusting of my grandparents since when anything that had to do with not being straight or cis popped up on tv she said they were "disgusting and that it was shameful". My grandpa is a lot worse with homophobia and probably even more intense with transphobia. I haven't gotten his view on transphobia but, he told me about Sodom and Gomora ? so that says enough about his homophobia. It's great your daughter-in-law's grandmothers were cool with your transition but I don't think that would happen in my case sadly ?. I never dated a guy and frankly have no interest to.. Ever since I started having any feelings of attraction it was always towards girls.. I thought I was weird and messed up so I stayed away from dating and soon found out it's normal and maybe I was a lesbian. I do not feel any part female at all despite being AFAB so I am trans I suppose. I've grown more comfortable with the idea of it too ? and it finally feels like the right thing for me ??. I will keep you all updated! 

Link to comment

Alice Dreger used pseudo-science and has been discredited by most LGBT+ organizations for her trans-phobic views.

Not really sure politics needed to enter into this converation, and why on earth it is assumed that young people don't "know who they are" as some sort of anti-trans mantra. This is not about his parents! The stress is on him.

Dear Taylor, know that there are laws limiting a therapist from sharing private conversations with you with others.

perhaps a teacher at your high school that you trust? Surely there is someone who you can talk to, perhaps from a trans-support group via e-mail (but local to you). I am horrified to see how your trust has already been betrayed at such a young age. Also, with time and a bit of luck, you really can simply leave. Study hard, maybe get yourself into a college nowhere near home, THERE you can be yourself!

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   1 Member, 0 Anonymous, 111 Guests (See full list)

    • Betty K
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alscully
      Alscully
      (35 years old)
    2. floruisse
      floruisse
      (40 years old)
    3. Jasmine25
      Jasmine25
      (22 years old)
    4. Trev0rK
      Trev0rK
      (26 years old)
  • Posts

    • EasyE
      Republicans have long committed grave errors by emphasizing their social agenda and moral issues instead of just focusing on the economy, lowering taxes, keeping the public safe, building a strong national defense, promoting business, touting reasonable immigration policies, etc.   The country would thrive economically under Trump's tax and business policies. That's a fact. Another four years of Biden will run this country into the ground financially (including all of our 401Ks and IRAs). But the GOP continues to play right into the Dems' hands by leading with their moral crusades instead of staying the course and trusting their fiscal policies to win the day... 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/hundreds-athletes-urge-ncaa-not-ban-trans-athletes-womens-sports-rcna149033     Carolyn Marie
    • KymmieL
      Well first day is over and now getting ready for bed soon. Work was OK.   Don't know why but I am feeling down. I am heading to bed. Good Night.   Kymmie
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I our time at my place.Both admit our sex life is good,got intimate for the 2nd time and he is good at it
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  I will look those up in the document, hopefully tomorrow.   I always look at the source on stuff like this, not what someone, particularly those adversarial, have to say. 
    • MaeBe
      LGBTQ rights Project 2025 takes extreme positions against LGBTQ rights, seeking to eliminate federal protections for queer people and pursue research into conversion therapies in order to encourage gender and sexuality conformity. The policy book also lays out plans to criminalize being transgender and prohibit federal programs from supporting queer people through various policies. The project partnered with anti-LGBTQ groups the Family Policy Alliance, the Center for Family and Human Rights, and the Family Research Council. Project 2025 calls for the next secretary of Health and Human Services to “immediately put an end to the department’s foray into woke transgender activism,” which includes removing terms related to gender and sexual identity from “every federal rule, agency regulation, contract, grant, regulation, and piece of legislation that exists.” The Trump administration proposed a similar idea in 2018 that would have resulted in trans people losing protections under anti-discrimination laws. [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; The New Republic, 2/8/24] Similarly, the policy book calls for HHS to stop all research related to gender identity unless the purpose is conformity to one's sex assigned at birth. The New Republic explains: “That is, research on gender-nonconforming children and teenagers should be funded by the government, but only for the purpose of studying what will make them conform, such as denying them gender-affirming care and instead trying to change their identities through ‘counseling,’ which is a form of conversion therapy.” [The New Republic, 2/8/24] The policy book’s foreword by Kevin Roberts describes “the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children” as “pornography” that “should be outlawed,” adding, “The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned.” Roberts also says that “educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Roberts’ foreword states that “allowing parents or physicians to ‘reassign’ the sex of a minor is child abuse and must end.” Echoing ongoing right-wing attacks on trans athletes, Roberts also claims, “Bureaucrats at the Department of Justice force school districts to undermine girls’ sports and parents’ rights to satisfy transgender extremists.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; TIME magazine, 5/16/22] Dame Magazine reports that Project 2025 plans to use the Department of Justice to crack down on states that “do not charge LGBTQ people and their allies with crimes under the pretense that they are breaking federal and state laws against exposing minors to pornography.” [Dame Magazine, 8/14/23] Project 2025 also calls for the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services to repeat “its 2016 decision that CMS could not issue a National Coverage Determination (NCD) regarding ‘gender reassignment surgery’ for Medicare beneficiaries.” The policy book’s HHS chapter continues: “In doing so, CMS should acknowledge the growing body of evidence that such interventions are dangerous and acknowledge that there is insufficient scientific evidence to support such coverage in state plans.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Going further, Project 2025 also demands that the next GOP administration “reverse policies that allow transgender individuals to serve in the military.” The policy book’s chapter on the Defense Department claims: “Gender dysphoria is incompatible with the demands of military service, and the use of public monies for transgender surgeries … for servicemembers should be ended.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023]   …summaries of what’s within the rest of the document re: LGBTQ+ concerns. A person can believe their gender is fixed but incongruent with their physiology, but the authors and Trump (by his own words) just see the incongruity of an “expressed gender” that conflicts with what was/is in a person’s pants.
    • Mmindy
      Good catch… I took care of it.
    • Sally Stone
      I'm tired of the two-party system.  It has degraded to a system where there are only two diametrically opposed views, neither of which supports me.  I have conservative views regarding big government and government spending but I have very liberal views when it comes to protecting the rights of individuals.  And just elections of the past, I am stuck with two choices, neither of which I support. With only two parties, each with agendas that are off the left and right scales, I am not adequately represented.    Finally, I'm okay with party affiliated politicians running for office using their party views, but once elected to office, they are obligated to support the entire electorate not just the electorate members that voted for them.  Plain and simple, our government system is broken and dysfunctional.  I'll step down from my soapbox now.     
    • Sally Stone
      Thanks Mae.  She was an amazing friend and I grew to love her like a sister.
    • Sally Stone
      I did Ashley.  Non-rev travel was one of the major factors for taking the job.  At the time, US Airways had the best non-rev policy in the industry.  It cost $10 to fly coach and $25 to fly first class.  We flew first class whenever there were seats available.  
    • Abigail Genevieve
      You should have a moderator fix what you meant to write as "birth certificate".  Ooops.   I've gone over that verse and am wholly and completely dissatisfied with the SBC exegesis of it, so much so that it was one of the things that helped me break out of a mindset of guit.  Sometime I may strut by stuff as a Hebraist and show what it really means.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I found this   — 450 — Mandate for Leadership: The Conservative Promise Goal #1: Protecting Life, Conscience, and Bodily Integrity. The Secretary should pursue a robust agenda to protect the fundamental right to life, protect con- science rights, and uphold bodily integrity rooted in biological realities, not ideology. From the moment of conception, every human being possesses inherent dignity and worth, and our humanity does not depend on our age, stage of development, race, or abilities. The Secretary must ensure that all HHS programs and activities are rooted in a deep respect for innocent human life from day one until natural death: Abortion and euthanasia are not health care. A robust respect for the sacred rights of conscience, both at HHS and among gov- ernments and institutions funded by it, increases choices for patients and program beneficiaries and furthers pluralism and tolerance. The Secretary must protect Americans’ civil rights by ensuring that HHS programs and activities follow the letter and spirit of religious freedom and conscience-protection laws. Radical actors inside and outside government are promoting harmful identity politics that replaces biological sex with subjective notions of “gender identity” and bases a person’s worth on his or her race, sex, or other identities. This destructive dogma, under the guise of “equity,” threatens American’s fundamental liberties as well as the health and well-being of children and adults alike. The next Secretary must ensure that HHS programs protect children’s minds and bodies and that HHS programs respect parents’ basic right to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their children.   https://static.project2025.org/2025_MandateForLeadership_CHAPTER-14.pdf   First, that is not much, if that is all that is of concern.  Secondly, I have seen all sorts of anti-Trump slander, including the Steele dossier and the lawfare he is now undergoing, to be cynical of any criticism against him, and indirectly this document.    He deserves some of what he is getting, but not all.  Thirdly, I bolded one statement of concern.   I don't think gender identity is subjective.  "Radical actors" is name calling, and there is a lot of that going around.  Maybe I am not seeing everything of concern or reading this right, but i would discuss with the author of this document concerning this.
    • Willow
      Good evening   well I finally finished reading my textbook.  Yeah.  But I still have a lot more to go for the class.     My endocrinologist always asks me about lactation.  And yes I have had some very small amounts of leakage but not on any regular basis.  I figure I blocked the discharge Duce when I pierced my nipples with scare tissue.  But who knows.  I also get asked about mammograms.  I e had my first or baseline and this fall I will need to schedule my second.   As someone in the midst of studying the Old Testament, I can say that I haven’t found any mention of pending damnation for being transgender or intersex.  The closest it comes is a verse that says men should not wear women’s clothing.  Now I don’t know each and everyone’s particulars, but I know I meet the medical definition of female gender, and even in Ohio, a State that until recently refused to allow birth certificates to be changed, I meet the criteria.  Therefore I can only conclude I am not a man wearing women’s clothing.  But there is a somewhat different scholarly explanation of that law that it should not be taken as literally as the haters want.  Mostly men should not pretend to be women to ex ape from their enemies. Or tried to hide from God.     willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Well, the left wing has been doing that.    I read a few things while trying to find out what the problem is and liked what I read.  But I am a conservative.    Is there something specific in there that is of concern?  Does it promise somewhere to erase trans folk? That would be problematic.
    • Ivy
      It's a plan to basically completely take over the government by the right wing.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...