Problems with my Mom

[Taylor_The_Human]

Hi I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this and if it's not I apologize but I thought this was closest to the topic I will be speaking about here. To start things off I'm a minor so I have an option to live either with my grandparents or my mom. I chose my mom since she is an atheist and strong democrat and my grandparents are hardcore conservatives and sort of scare me with how religious they are (no offense to anyone who may be very religious). I am a democrat and feel happier with my mom the only issue is I can't seem to figure out how she feels about me mentioning anything that has to deal with the LGBTQIA+ community. However, I do seem to notice a pattern which seems to be a negative reaction whenever the topic is brought up. I bring it up to get things out and to try and make her understand how I feel but whenever I do so, she cries or becomes very aggressive and angry towards me. Now, she is a wonderful mother and one of the closest people to me but she just seems very unreliable to speak to when I need to talk about things like dysphoria I experience or the idea of getting therapy. I'm not sure if she's worried and that's what's leading her to these negative emotions or the fact that she cannot get me any help. My father has not complied with the child support funds for me that he was supposed to. Thus, I cannot get any help for any mental issues (I have other issues besides dysphoria) but I will not mention that since that is a bit more personal. Anyway, back to my mom, she gets upset usually and I hate seeing her so frustrated because I feel guilty and know I'm the reason that she suddenly feels upset, she has a lot going on at work and I understand how stressful my own problems could be on top of all of that. But I need to get my feelings out I know that when I don't I become a huge mess and often have panic attacks or mental breakdowns (one occurred last week..). But sometimes she isn't upset? Well, obviously I don't really know what's going through her mind but for example, the other day my mom and her friend and I (whom is also my friend I suppose?) were all eating at an Indonesian restaurant and this girl and her family came in and the girl would not stop looking at me. I went to the bathroom thinking I had food on my clothes or face but I did not. So I assumed the girl liked me or something? (she looked about 12 so it wouldn't have been inappropriate to think so). When we left the restaurant she kept watching me leave the restaurant and looked sad once I left. My mom then suggested that maybe she had a crush on me. I'm not sure if she was joking or if she was actually trying to suggest it in a friendly way. Which is why I'm confused whether she's ok with me and my feelings or not. She thinks I'm a lesbian since I used to be and I never told her I was trans. Whenever I bring up transgender topics she gets very upset and she then ends up saying: "those surgeries cut and ruin your body" which makes me frustrated and since her friend is weak he just agrees so she won't be upset. Anyways, I am very confused and if there are any parents of transgender youth or people who may be able to recognize and understand her behavior. It'd be great if someone would be able to suggest what they think may be her deal! I just want to understand her point of view and stop causing her issues. I feel like a horrible child. However, I think people have their own needs too and sometimes that's important to get out. 

 

Thanks for reading this and if you have any advice please comment it below.

-Taylor 

[Ivy]

I think she may just be worried about you - not necessarily in a hostile way.

As a parent of grown children, it's not easy to watch them grow up and into themselves.  As a parent you have to let it happen and realize that they are their own person, with their own life.  And it will be different than yours was.

I'm not sure that any of us "have it together" as much as we want to believe.

And I'm not sure a cis person can really understand what it's like for us.  We just have to try to love each other and do the best we can with what we have.

 

Probably not much help for you at the moment though.

[Taylor_The_Human]

2 hours ago, Jandi said:

I think she may just be worried about you - not necessarily in a hostile way.

As a parent of grown children, it's not easy to watch them grow up and into themselves.  As a parent you have to let it happen and realize that they are their own person, with their own life.  And it will be different than yours was.

I'm not sure that any of us "have it together" as much as we want to believe.

And I'm not sure a cis person can really understand what it's like for us.  We just have to try to love each other and do the best we can with what we have.

 

Probably not much help for you at the moment though.

I can kind of understand how she could be worried since I may experience threats or bullying. She doesn't seem comfortable with me growing up. It seems she doesn't like me around people who have more privileges like going out alone or shopping alone. I hope she'll accept me in the future or believe that I'll be ok. I still want her apart of my life since she's always been there for me I hope she could sort of grow to understand me though.

2 hours ago, Mary Jane said:

well my parents wasn't accepting when i first came out and i think trying now i think i understand their view because it might be like "who have you been then?" to them, but we're really still just us 

Yeah, I think that she sees it like that too. Like "I thought you were my daughter. Who are you now? Have you never been my child..?" I wrote several pages explaining that I get that viewpoint but that I'm still me just with a different look kind of? (that's when I was planning to tell her I was trans). Like your daughter's still here but now she's your son. I never gave her the paper though. When I wanted to it was always a bad time. So, it got lost in her car. Either that or she found it and dumped it so I'd think I lost it to avoid a situation where she'd be upset with who I was and me witnessing it. ? I still love my mom and I suppose if I must portray the act of a girl to make her happy then I guess I'll just have to learn to accept that. ?

[Sabine]

Taylor, it sounds a lot like your Mother is fearful. The reactions of anger and aggression are ways for her to try to distance herself from the conversation (it is a type of emotional unavailability). Jandi is really accurate in her view that cis-gender people really can't fundamentally seem to understand us. It may not be super helpful to try to tell your Mom about your dysphoric feelings and such, as she may simply shut down and make you both suffer. (NOT intentionally!) You have done your "job" by telling her and being open, AND you must know: none of this can ever (and will never) be "your fault!" You can not cause happiness or sadness in anyone but yourself! Maybe your mom will come to terms with you or maybe she will not, but if you need to vent, it may be best to do it on this forum or even in your own journal. It seems weird to "vent to yourself" but just getting the words out, whether outloud or in writing seems to really help!

Can you talk to a therapist at school or somehow in your community? Your age may be your advantage here (use it!).

Good luck

S.

[Taylor_The_Human]

2 hours ago, Sabine said:

Taylor, it sounds a lot like your Mother is fearful. The reactions of anger and aggression are ways for her to try to distance herself from the conversation (it is a type of emotional unavailability). Jandi is really accurate in her view that cis-gender people really can't fundamentally seem to understand us. It may not be super helpful to try to tell your Mom about your dysphoric feelings and such, as she may simply shut down and make you both suffer. (NOT intentionally!) You have done your "job" by telling her and being open, AND you must know: none of this can ever (and will never) be "your fault!" You can not cause happiness or sadness in anyone but yourself! Maybe your mom will come to terms with you or maybe she will not, but if you need to vent, it may be best to do it on this forum or even in your own journal. It seems weird to "vent to yourself" but just getting the words out, whether outloud or in writing seems to really help!

Can you talk to a therapist at school or somehow in your community? Your age may be your advantage here (use it!).

Good luck

S.

Well I haven't actually told her I'm trans yet, just lesbian but that was last year. It's been maybe a bit over a year I've been trans without her knowing. I have a journal, but I come here more often so I can get advice. Also, in fear that she may find it. I could try to talk to a counselor if I return in person back to school. But, I'm afraid of doing so since last time the counselors at my middle school told people everything. I'm in high school now but I'm afraid this may happen again.. I don't know much people who will accept it although, I did have some friends but they drifted away and found new friends to replace me. Next year I may try to get a passport and see if I could travel to another country (even for a bit) and meet some friends without my mom knowing they accept that stuff. ? Thanks for your advice I'll try to use it the best I can. 

 

[Kiera]

Quote

Anyways, I am very confused and if there are any parents of transgender youth or people who may be able to recognize and understand her behavior.

 

Taylor,

         While I obviously don't know either your mom or grandparents I find your political awareness & distinctions to be quite humorous. I am an older, divorced "transparent" of two myself whose "cis kids" are probably not much older than you (23 & 21) and my experience has been that "democrats" are generally unhappy people who are completely out of touch with "reality".

 

         Begging pardon of others here  (nuff said) but, aside from "political", trans really has NOTHING real to do with "LGB" at all and, suspecting your mom could be right , it's quite possible that doctors & "surgeries [might] cut and ruin your body". 

 

Read intersex/trans science historian Alice Dreger's "Galileo's Middle Finger"

(boring in parts but relevant & cheap on "Nook")

 

         You are young, have time, my doctor is very specialized in FtM as well but there's no real cause right now for putting undue stress on parents. I also wanted to transition at your age but he (my doc) says "patience" is often the best medicine. Case in point: I have never done the expense of "therapists" and, once a certain age is attained, he won't require it of you either so do just try to Cheer Up & Live!

 

          Being retired as well I also do a lot of grand-babysitting of "4" and suspect your grandparents would be much more "stable & accepting" than you think ie: both my ex's and daughter-in-law's grandmothers  (80's & 90+) found my desire to transition as "quite cool with them" despite "religion" and, as far as "lesbian" goes well, it is widely expected these days that youth "experiment" (it's quite "ok" and normal, especially if you feel "as a guy"?)

 

Welcome! Keep us updated!

 

 

 

 

[Kiera]

(ps: as "a parent" I only see BIG PLUS 'cause YOU, with "other girls", at least ain't getting pregnant!)

[Taylor_The_Human]

On 5/18/2021 at 4:28 AM, Kiera said:

(ps: as "a parent" I only see BIG PLUS 'cause YOU, with "other girls", at least ain't getting pregnant!)

I also noticed that as a big plus (I can continue with school and not worry about getting pregnant or making my mom mad!)

[Taylor_The_Human]

On 5/18/2021 at 4:11 AM, Kiera said:

 

Taylor,

         While I obviously don't know either your mom or grandparents I find your political awareness & distinctions to be quite humorous. I am an older, divorced "transparent" of two myself whose "cis kids" are probably not much older than you (23 & 21) and my experience has been that "democrats" are generally unhappy people who are completely out of touch with "reality".

 

         Begging pardon of others here  (nuff said) but, aside from "political", trans really has NOTHING real to do with "LGB" at all and, suspecting your mom could be right , it's quite possible that doctors & "surgeries [might] cut and ruin your body". 

 

Read intersex/trans science historian Alice Dreger's "Galileo's Middle Finger"

(boring in parts but relevant & cheap on "Nook")

 

         You are young, have time, my doctor is very specialized in FtM as well but there's no real cause right now for putting undue stress on parents. I also wanted to transition at your age but he (my doc) says "patience" is often the best medicine. Case in point: I have never done the expense of "therapists" and, once a certain age is attained, he won't require it of you either so do just try to Cheer Up & Live!

 

          Being retired as well I also do a lot of grand-babysitting of "4" and suspect your grandparents would be much more "stable & accepting" than you think ie: both my ex's and daughter-in-law's grandmothers  (80's & 90+) found my desire to transition as "quite cool with them" despite "religion" and, as far as "lesbian" goes well, it is widely expected these days that youth "experiment" (it's quite "ok" and normal, especially if you feel "as a guy"?)

 

Welcome! Keep us updated!

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I suppose it is a possibility that a doctor could screw something up. I realize I have time and I suppose time is my friend in this sort of situation. I suppose I'll take it a step at a time and see how time treats me and if anything I was gonna resort to binders maybe some HRT and a masculine haircut? ? Since I'm a bit hesitant with permanent surgery. And I also agree that maybe looking for a therapist may cause stress between me and my mom. (My dad won't help w that in fear someone will see that someone on his insurance is "crazy" which I thought they're not allowed to do at his job..) I'm still not too trusting of my grandparents since when anything that had to do with not being straight or cis popped up on tv she said they were "disgusting and that it was shameful". My grandpa is a lot worse with homophobia and probably even more intense with transphobia. I haven't gotten his view on transphobia but, he told me about Sodom and Gomora ? so that says enough about his homophobia. It's great your daughter-in-law's grandmothers were cool with your transition but I don't think that would happen in my case sadly ?. I never dated a guy and frankly have no interest to.. Ever since I started having any feelings of attraction it was always towards girls.. I thought I was weird and messed up so I stayed away from dating and soon found out it's normal and maybe I was a lesbian. I do not feel any part female at all despite being AFAB so I am trans I suppose. I've grown more comfortable with the idea of it too ? and it finally feels like the right thing for me ??. I will keep you all updated! 

[Sabine]

Alice Dreger used pseudo-science and has been discredited by most LGBT+ organizations for her trans-phobic views.

Not really sure politics needed to enter into this converation, and why on earth it is assumed that young people don't "know who they are" as some sort of anti-trans mantra. This is not about his parents! The stress is on him.

Dear Taylor, know that there are laws limiting a therapist from sharing private conversations with you with others.

perhaps a teacher at your high school that you trust? Surely there is someone who you can talk to, perhaps from a trans-support group via e-mail (but local to you). I am horrified to see how your trust has already been betrayed at such a young age. Also, with time and a bit of luck, you really can simply leave. Study hard, maybe get yourself into a college nowhere near home, THERE you can be yourself!