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Going Through This Alone


Drake

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Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide, description of means (please do not read this if you are not in a good place)

 

So, I've been sorting through a lot of trauma that has happened in my life. A lot of this stuff I've already dealt with, but it's the stuff you can't talk about that kills you.

 

When I was 17 years old, I was raped.

 

When I was 23 years old, I discovered my brother's suicide in the basement.

 

I grew up with religious oppression and queer trauma, blah, blah, blah.

 

The blissful thing about these things is that I'm allowed to be upset about them, at least in the LGBTQ community. They were much easier to deal with than things I can't talk about, things that weren't supposed to bother me. It's the silence that kills you.

 

I recently lost my girlfriend, my house, and my dog all in one day. Through a very abrupt misunderstanding, I came home one day and found all my things packed. She has since changed the locks on the doors of the place I used to call home. I at least got the dog back.

 

Aside from that very disruptive day, other stuff happened while I lived there that I can't really talk about. Stuff that I'm not allowed to be upset by because it's unreasonable.

 

Bad breakups are one of those things nobody wants to hear about. It's a great opportunity to brush off whatever someone's going through because they "brought it upon themselves." It's one of those things you're not allowed to talk about, because nobody wants to listen.

 

Something happened while I lived there that I can't forget, that really shook me to my core, especially when it comes to relationships. It changed my whole perspective of the world. I had disturbing flashbacks of what I saw for a while, nausea, the feeling of a cold knife digging into my chest. Then this absurd panic and white hot rage began to surround the whole issue and everything pertaining to it, even stuff that just reminded me. It became a very deep source of anger and despair for me. It came back to me weeks and months afterwards and I had these low-key panic attacks that turned into explosive rage after a while.

 

This, of course, ended things with my girlfriend. The breakup was sad, but dealing with this new, broken world I discovered as a result of my relationship with her is what kills me. The ability to look out the window and hate everyone and everything, because this sickness pervades everything. I think about how much I hate this new world that I don't even want to live in it. But I'm not supposed to be upset, mind you.

 

I'm supposed to be chill. I'm cool. It's all good.

 

After my last fight with my ex girlfriend (where I did some things I'm not proud of) I drove around the places I used to live with her, the neighborhoods we used to go through, and I found the perfect blind curve to lay down in. A blind curve in a winding, country road that everyone drove too fast through. I layed down on the road for a few minutes, and it was very peaceful. When a car finally did drive by, I got too scared, and I figured laying down in the road is a pretty humiliating way to die. So I got up and I drove down to a bridge. I parked the car and I went and sat down on the bridge railing, watching the water and all that. I wanted to jump, but a part of me was scared I wouldn't die, that I would just break my legs and be stuck down there. I also read somewhere that it takes 4 minutes to die from jumping to your death. I didn't wanna lay there in agony for 4 minutes.

I finally left because my best friend had been begging me to just come to her house, and I figured that was better than staring at water that I was too scared to jump in.

 

I haven't told anyone what happened that night, but everyone was freaking out trying to find me. I got careless, and now some of my self-inflicted injuries are showing.

 

I still have some plastic bags and duct tape in my bedroom, where I may try to suffocate myself still. I read you will pass out after 7 minutes without oxygen, and after 20 you will die. I have enough drugs and booze in my room to where I think I can deal with 7 minutes in a bag. The option is still there.

 

I don't know what went wrong with me. I just wasn't equipped for people like my ex or what happened while I lived with her. I became a person I didn't recognize, and I can honestly say that I am still very sad I live in this world. Yes, I want to be able to transition and date whoever I like, but not if the world is like this...

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Delcina B

Drake, you're not alone you have me & all the rest of the Transpulse people here who care about you. I feel for you & there was a time when I didn't care if I continued to live or not, that no one would care if I was gone. But I was so wrong! I've been able to help my family, others & myself since then. I love the movie, It's A Wonderful Life, it is so relevant & it's message is real. We don't often think of the awesome possibilities of what we might, or will do. Whose life we might save, or change for the good. 

 

If you're feeling like ending your life please call the Lifeline or speak with a crisis moderator the info's below.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Suicide Prevention

Most transgender people have attempted suicide at least once in their lives. If you have, please lend your support here to those who are having a bad time now. Suicide is never the answer. If you are suicidal, call the Trans Lifeline at (877) 565-8860 in the US or (877) 330-6366 in Canada. In the UK, call the Samaritans free on 116 123, or log in to our live chat room and ask to speak with a crisis moderator.

 

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4 hours ago, Drake said:

I haven't told anyone what happened that night, but everyone was freaking out trying to find me.

When my marriage broke up I was pretty suicidal.  I had already written the note, and had the 38 on the table.  But I did realize there were people that cared about me in spite of that.  And I thought about how they would feel when they found the mess that had been me.  So I didn't do it.

I will say that things have gotten better with time.  I still get depressed at times, but I have been able to move on into a new understanding of myself that I probably wouldn't have know otherwise.

I thought my life was over at the time… but it wasn't.

We all go through times that suck or worse, but they won't last for ever.  I know it just sounds like empty words, but it's really true.

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  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

Thank you for sharing with us.  I hid my depression for years but now if it resurfaces i try to share it and reach out.  I have also gotten professional help and took medication for several years.  Please don't hesitate to get help!  The terrible feelings passed and the effects of trauma lessened as time has passed.  One amazing thing is as i reach out to help others who are facing depression or trauma is that i feel better.  

Perhaps the best thing i can share is that no matter how bad it may seem it does get better each day and i can get through one day at a time.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • 2 weeks later...

Update: So with the help of my therapist, I checked myself into the ER, and the hospital held me for a while until they could get me on some medication. Now I have a psychiatrist to monitor what I'm taking, and thanks to the meds, I'm doing a lot better than I was.

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  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

I'm so glad you reached out and got help dear!  There was a time when i needed help and i was on medication for some time as i mentioned above.  It really helped so today i'm actually enjoying life as never before.  If i start to have issues again i hope i'm strong enough to get help as you did.  Wonderful news indeed!

 

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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