I'm confused - my story

[Katielynn]

Hi, let me just start off by saying how glad I am to have found and joined this forum. 
 

Sorry in advance for the long post and I would really appreciate people that take a read through the full thing and add their own experiences to help me begin understand/find my gender identity. 
 

I am a MTF crossdresser and can remember times from as early as 7 where this was a part of me. At 7 I started to experiment with my sisters clothes when my mom was asleep and my sister wasn’t home. I can remember right now how much I enjoyed wearing her clothes and how back then I had thoughts of wishing that I could wear tights every day. After some time I stopped it completely and never thought about it for a few years. 
 

When I was 14 I started to think about it again. It was another time where I was fascinated by wearing tights. Within a couple of days I bought my very first pair of tights as by this time neither my sister nor my mother wore tights nor did they own any pairs.

 

I remember putting them on for the first time and falling in love with the way they felt on me. Over the next 4-5 months I began to purchase more tights and I also began to try on my sisters clothes again whenever I was home alone for some time. I really enjoyed and started to wish I was born a girl. I began to wish I could wear this all of the time and that I could dress up in pretty clothes and look like a pretty young girl. 
 

At this time I also began to seek out clothes that look like little girls clothes again wishing to be a girl and wishing that I had gotten to grow up as a girl. I had thought that I was trans but I also didn’t believe that transitioning was for me. 
 

Flash forward a few years to my first year as an a adult still feeling the joys of femininity and began to realize and accept just being a crossdresser. Once that summer after high school was over i started wearing panties all of the time and began to get rid of the majority all of my male underwear.

 

This was also the year that I began to really experiment as a crossdresser and finally purchased a wig, makeup, and a set of breast forms. I was also getting freedom to dress and explore during the weekend when I would cat sit for my nan. I finally got to go out fully crossdressed over that summer. I loved every second of it. But I didn’t feel any dysphoria in the subsequent months.
 

Flash forward a couple of years to the past year where I began to really explore my crossdressing side including having a handful of meet ups with people while crossdressed. Which made me felt great. During this time I also went on multiple adventures where I would get fully dressed after leaving my house and go on a little road trip for the day. These experiences all felt great and made me have a lot of fantasies about spend time living as a woman over the course of a couple days via going on a trip or something similar. 
 

In the last 5 months I began to get really depressed. Something that I’ve now realized was something that I’ve always had. but I never felt like it was bad enough, well since my teen years anyways, that I actually needed to seek help or even thought that it was depression at that time. During this time since my depression has been worsening I’ve made great changes in my life that I had wanted to for so long but I’ve still been feeling down.

 

The past month or so especially I’ve been beginning to feel strong dysphoria. I’ve been having a really strong pull to all things feminine and have been exploring even more. I managed to go out fully dressed and actually get out my car and went for a walk where I came across people while fully presenting as a woman. I was given a few looks but no one commented or anything of the sort. I was on a trail walk wearing a skirt and tights and a pair of pink sneakers with a purse over my shoulder so I believe people definitely thought of it as out of place. However, it felt so right for me. Later that night I even went into an older mall that has now been converted to mostly office space but it still contains a bar and cinema. I needed to use the washroom and it was still open. The mall was empty. the only person that was actually in there was one of the maintenance guy that was poked away in their room. 

I walked through and never came across anyone and went in to the ladies room. I peed in the stall. No one was in the bathroom nor did anyone go in there while I was in there. I even took a picture in the mirror while I was in there. On the way back out of the mall the maintenance guy ended up coming out of his room and watching me walk out. I felt really turned on and really enjoyed the attention that I know that guys was giving me. 
 

Since that night anything to do with femininity has made me depressed because it just feels so right. I only really feel comfortable while wearing women’s clothes. It’s renewed my feelings that I am actually trans and over the past few days I’ve been thinking what that may look like in my life and I’m honestly so scared of transitioning.

 

I’ve also never felt out of place as a man either. like I’ve never felt like everything about being a man is wrong. But I always just wish I had been born a woman and that if I had I feel like I’d be a lot happier. I’ve booked an appointment with a counsellor that deals with gender identity issue a long with depression and anxiety. This way I can finally talk to a mental health professional about my dysphoria but that is a few weeks away.

I would like to hear other people’s thoughts about my story. Further I’d love to hear from anyone else that has felt very little dysphoria for a long period of time like it was all just a phase and later have it come back with a vengeance. I’m just so confused and unsure of my identity. 
 

sorry about the long post and I’m really thankful to anyone that replies after reading my story. P.s. this is something that I’ve never told anyone that has been a significant part of my life either.
 

 

[VickySGV]

Gender Dysphoria has three major traits, it is Consistent, Persistent, and in time becomes Insistent.  Your timeline here shows that pattern.  Welcome to the Forums, I cheated and only skim read this to be sure it was OK to post and in keeping with the spirit of this place, but you had all the key words to tell me that you and the post belonged here.  It is your story and it has parallels to many many of our stories already here.

[Heather Shay]

@Katielynn Vicky has given words of wisdom. You have similar background to many here and you will find others at various stages of dysphoria and questions. Ask away - as you have rightly said - this is a wonderful forum and the members care, answer truthfully from experience and are not judgemental.

 

I am glad to see you are going to seek counselling and that is a MAJOR step to helping you discover the true you. I would recommend a workbook by Dara Huffamn-Fox that helps those questioning answer questions that will help you along the way and where in the spectrum you might be. Her book is called Gender Identity.