Confused About Who I Am

[SabrinaAthena]

Hey everyone, this is gonna be kinda long so sorry about that. Basically I'm just looking for any advice / reassurance / anything really as I've been questioning for about 6 years and really am doing anything I can to actually figure out who I am. I do have a therapist which is helping but not enough rn. Also I'm 20 and AMAB (and also ace).

A quick rundown of the things I think are important:

I remember when I was quite young, whenever I'd imagine things to fall asleep (if that makes sense) in all of the stories I'd imagine that, I was a girl. Which I never really questioned as I was idk, pretty young. Also I have always hated my deadname ever since I can remember but found the shortened version bearable.

I don't remember when I learned about the concept of being trans, but I do have a few trans friends, and talking to them when I was around 15 or 16 (can't quite remember how old I was for anything, could be younger) made me start to question my gender. This questioning has come and gone on and off ever since.

When I was 17 I covered my mirror in paper as I couldn't bear to look at myself, on that, I've always hated both my body and my face (and used to be embarassed about body hair even though I knew all guys get it), always thought I was overweight even though I never have been. I have gone through questioning both NB and transfemme identities.

Never felt comfortable in male dominated spaces, played basketball for 12 years and just always had this feeling of not really fitting in, which I feel like could be caused by dysphoria but maybe its just because I'm not masculine like the guys who played it.

I remember a couple of years ago, I had a conversation with myself that if I just present cis and "normal", life would be much easier so I should just do that, which I tried. I was in basically isolation in the UK (not my home country) for a couple of months over over Nov-Dec, during which my feelings for all of this came back really strongly and put me in a mental health, gender-questioning spiral for months, which I'm still kinda in.

For a while now I have done a lot of the classic things like only want to play female characters in games, have female characters as my profile pics etc on things, but then I worry that this, among other things, is subconsciously caused by being on and off subreddits such as egg irl over the last couple of years. I worry the same about literally everything now, including my hate of body hair etc.

I have, both drunkenly and soberly, told almost all my close friends that I want to go as Sabrina which they have all been super supportive of. Now that they see me as a girl, I really can't imagine asking them to call me my deadname again. Also I really enjoy being referred to as a girl, used to give me a rush and still does when a new person uses it.

In terms of trying out female things, I was scared to try stuff in case I wouldn't like it (I did try eyeliner and mascara when I was like 15 and liked it but stopped because I felt judged). Recently I started shaving my legs, which like, didn't give me euphoria but also I now hate it when my legs aren't shaved. I also tried wearing an outfit I bought with includes fishnets and a skirt and I really like wearing it. I tried using socks to make it look like I have a chest, and like it didn't give me euphoria but it didn't feel wrong, and I can't stop looking at that pic of me like that. I also have been experimenting with eyeliner and mascara again and again, it doesn't give me like happy euphoria but I do prefer that I look more feminine while wearing it.

Overall, I have been questioning so long that I don't really know how I feel about anything anymore, but I don't think I identify as a man, I don't like being referred to as a man, and I find it crazy that my friends who I have talked to about this like being called men. (But then I'm like: what if thats just because I've read all this stuff about it and I don't really feel this way?)

And then I'm like maybe I'm enby / demigirl, but then idk if thats just because it would be easier in a way than being a transwoman, but also thats not even true. Also I have had a few times when I'm drunk where I have cried for hours about all this to my friend and about how scary it all is, as I know I'm really scared of having to change up my life in that way as it will make things like getting a job etc so much harder.

Theres probably a lot more to say but thats just the stuff I can think of right now. Basically just in this spiral of questioning literally everything I think / feel around all this. Jealous of one of my transomen friends who is going to start HRT soon as shes at least confident enough in who she is to do that.

So yeah, any help is so so appreciated, I just want to figure out who I am, and like if anyone has any advice or can relate to any of this, it would help so much 

TL;DR: Been questioning for 6 years, need some advice etc based on my experiences so far.

[VickySGV]

You are going to be the only one who will be able to figure out who you are in the long run, but your story is very close to the one the rest of us tell, so we do understand what is going on with you, and we believe you without judging you.  Welcome to the Forums where I hope we can help you along to finding the answers to your questions buy sharing our experience and maybe, just maybe a little bit of wisdom about the path ahead of you.

[Jackie C.]

What @VickySGV said. I have nothing in particular to add except to remind you that cis people don't generally question their gender or feel comfortable in a different gender role. I should probably also say that we all experience euphoria and dysphoria differently. I'm also going to suggest some real breast forms. They aren't expensive and more fun than socks. ?

 

So yeah, in the end only you can determine your path (maybe with the help of a gender therapist) but your story is really familiar to most of us here and we'll offer you all the support we can. It's what we do here.

 

Hugs!