Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

New Transfeminine and new here!


PheonyxJayde

Recommended Posts

Hi all!

 

I’ve been dressing basically as long as I can remember but recently through therapy and journaling I’ve really come to realize that I am transfeminine.  I don’t know if that journey will bring me to transition or some other stops along the way.  I just know that I need to connect with others who have been or are on this journey themselves. I’m looking forward to making connections with you and sharing my own joys and challenges along the way. 


Pheonyx 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Pheonyx.  Welcome.

 

There are lots of us who have been on similar journeys.  Some get where they are going sooner, some get there later.  Take your time and see where it leads you.  We'd love to learn as much about you as you feel like sharing.

 

Regards,

Kathy

Link to comment

Hiya, pleased to meet you. ? Journalling is a fantastic way to help sort out all of those thoughts and feelings!

Link to comment

Thanks Kathy!  So I’m 45 and probably dressed in some way since I was In my early teens.  I grew up in a house where that would have been seen as deviant and then was in the military where it was a crime.  I got out and got married and had kids so I’ve played the role of really good and faithful dad but have pushed these desires to be me so far down that they really were repressed until now. Now I’m facing this idea that I really am, at my core, female.  And that I only have so many days left and want to spend them as the woman I long to be.  But  I’m a touch lost as to where to go from here. And I’m scared of losing everything - my family, friends, job, all of it. 
 

that’s where I am now, I’m not sure how to progress but would love perspectives. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Greetings PheonyxJayde,  I can understand the feeling of being lost but I trust you will find the way to being happy.  I was afraid of losing everything but it never happened.  All is good.  Have you checked out Maine Trans?  Prior to the pandemic shutdowns they had meetings in Portland and near to you in Kittery.  They went virtual then.  I'm sure they will restart in person meetings at some point.  Its a good group. 

Please join in the conversation.  

 

Cheers, Jani

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi PheonyxJayde,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@PheonyxJayde so glad you are here. As you can already see there are some wonderful and caring and loving sisters here and we welcome you with open arms and loving ?.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
13 hours ago, PheonyxJayde said:

Thanks Kathy!  So I’m 45 and probably dressed in some way since I was In my early teens.  I grew up in a house where that would have been seen as deviant and then was in the military where it was a crime.  I got out and got married and had kids so I’ve played the role of really good and faithful dad but have pushed these desires to be me so far down that they really were repressed until now. Now I’m facing this idea that I really am, at my core, female.  And that I only have so many days left and want to spend them as the woman I long to be.  But  I’m a touch lost as to where to go from here. And I’m scared of losing everything - my family, friends, job, all of it. 
 

that’s where I am now, I’m not sure how to progress but would love perspectives. 

 

Aside from the kids (none) and the age (66), that is my story up until a few years ago.  The advice I was given was to find a good gender therapist.  That was good advice, and I am going to pass it on to you.

 

True, there are risks involved.  And it will feel like you are stepping out of the door of a plane without a parachute.  We will help you any way we can.  The outcome is not always bad.  My wife and I are closer than ever since I transitioned. 

Link to comment

thank you all!!! I have been having trouble finding a space to connect with others online - there is so much that’s either all about fetishized stuff online or where people haven’t been active for years. This space already feels different. Thank you for being so welcoming. ?

Link to comment
1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

 

Aside from the kids (none) and the age (66), that is my story up until a few years ago.  The advice I was given was to find a good gender therapist.  That was good advice, and I am going to pass it on to you.

 

True, there are risks involved.  And it will feel like you are stepping out of the door of a plane without a parachute.  We will help you any way we can.  The outcome is not always bad.  My wife and I are closer than ever since I transitioned. 

Wow, thank you so much for sharing. I have a therapist but I hadn’t considered a gender therapist specifically.  That’s fantastic advice - thank you!!!

Link to comment

Welcome Peonyx! Glad you're here. I've found the experiences of others, their advice, support & love very helpful & believe you will too.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome dear.  Like you i dressed on and off all of my life.  Finding this site helped me understand, accept and follow a path to some peace with myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
17 hours ago, PheonyxJayde said:

I just know that I need to connect with others who have been or are on this journey themselves.

Hi PheonyxJayde! and Welcome!

You've definitely found the right place.  The Members of this Forum (and gender therapy) have been am immense help to me.  I am sure you will find the same. 

Dive in, and don't be shy❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Link to comment

Hey PheonyxJade!  Glad you’re here.  As others have said, your experience is familiar to us. I am older, 64, but pretty much in the same place. Seeing a gender therapist will be very helpful, I believe. My journey has been a long one too and I’m finally coming to grips with my inner self as well.  I think there are many things we will be able to share as we both walk down this road. 
 

?

Astrid

Link to comment

Hi Jayde! I am also in NH, but a little further north from the seacoast. Anyway, I turn 45 this year, and I transitioned just last year with many of the same fears you currently experience. If you ever wish to talk just let me know. I have the pleasure to say that since being able to become my true self, all of my fears were completely unfounded, and I have discovered far more support and acceptance than I ever dreamed possible. I tell you this in hopes that perhaps you can also find some hope that all is not bad out there. It sounds like we may have a bit in common with our experiences growing up as I too am a veteran.

Link to comment
9 hours ago, Rachel76 said:

Hi Jayde! I am also in NH, but a little further north from the seacoast. Anyway, I turn 45 this year, and I transitioned just last year with many of the same fears you currently experience. If you ever wish to talk just let me know. I have the pleasure to say that since being able to become my true self, all of my fears were completely unfounded, and I have discovered far more support and acceptance than I ever dreamed possible. I tell you this in hopes that perhaps you can also find some hope that all is not bad out there. It sounds like we may have a bit in common with our experiences growing up as I too am a veteran.

Rachel,

 

thank you for sharing and nice to meet you. It does sound like we have a bit in common. It is encouraging to hear that the experience of later in life transition can be so positive. Also I read something a while ago that there is a higher percentage of trans people in the military than in the general population. Which I found funny but seems perhaps is true lol.  
 

pheonyx 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
2 hours ago, PheonyxJayde said:

Also I read something a while ago that there is a higher percentage of trans people in the military than in the general population. Which I found funny but seems perhaps is true lol. 

 

I am not sure if there is any hard data on it, but I have seen estimates that trans women have military experience at about twice the rate of the general population.  I think that, generally, it comes from trying to "man up" prior to coming out.  That certainly was the case with me.

 

There is a whole forum here for active and former military members: https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/index.php?/forum/8-military-veterans-and-active-duty-service-members/

Link to comment

So when I spoke with the psychologist at the VA I was informed that there was a much higher rate of transwomen serving and they are curious as to why and are trying to figure it out. I did tell them it was from an intense desire to "fit in and be normal" but of course, what really is "normal" anyway. 

Link to comment

Welcome and I believe all the above comments are spot on. 
ive been in your shoes. I was worried I would lose my wife, kids, friends, home, family etc etc. the fear of losing my life made me come out to my wife. I knew that once I had accepted who I was, living a lie would be toxic to all my relationships.  The only hope I had was that some would survive and I would get through it somehow and be happy in the end. 
Turns out all my fears were for nothing. Everyone supported me and my relationships are even deeper than before. Every step I’ve taken in this journey has been preceded  by fear, but once I took that step forward I found more happiness. 
so my advice is find that gender therapist and then don’t let your fears make your decisions for you. 
Hugs

Bri

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

Welcome and I believe all the above comments are spot on. 
ive been in your shoes. I was worried I would lose my wife, kids, friends, home, family etc etc. the fear of losing my life made me come out to my wife. I knew that once I had accepted who I was, living a lie would be toxic to all my relationships.  The only hope I had was that some would survive and I would get through it somehow and be happy in the end. 
Turns out all my fears were for nothing. Everyone supported me and my relationships are even deeper than before. Every step I’ve taken in this journey has been preceded  by fear, but once I took that step forward I found more happiness. 
so my advice is find that gender therapist and then don’t let your fears make your decisions for you. 
Hugs

Bri

Thank you sooooo incredibly much.  This gives me so much hope. I know each of our stories are unique. But this does give me hope of what’s possible. 

Link to comment
On 6/1/2021 at 7:17 PM, PheonyxJayde said:

Thank you sooooo incredibly much.  This gives me so much hope. I know each of our stories are unique. But this does give me hope of what’s possible. 

While yes our stories are unique, they are all also very similar! Fear is an over arching issue we all face, I personally got to my final stage, almost pulled the trigger, quite literally. My dog saved my life that night, and I confronted who I really was and came to acceptance after a few days of soul searching. Once I accepted myself, I knew I could no longer live the lie I had my entire life, and moved forward. Yes every step was preceded by fear, but each step also brings about more confidence. I was certain I would lose everything and everyone I held dear, but I was ready for that, as my only other option was permanently checking out, which honestly is losing even more. I could not have imagined the support and acceptance I have received since transitioning, the people, who's views my story has changed on our community, as I continue to share my life's experiences and do not shy away from people who genuinely just want to try and understand that which we can't even understand ourselves! And yes, all of my relationships have vastly improved, and I have found true happiness! I'm currently getting into a medical center to have bottom surgery and could not be more excited! Enjoy the transition, and hold your head high for being able to do what many other people, even those in our shoes, do not have the inner strength to do! Be the real you!!

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Rachel76 said:

I personally got to my final stage, almost pulled the trigger, quite literally.

Been there myself.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   10 Members, 0 Anonymous, 124 Guests (See full list)

    • Jamey-Heather
    • mattie22
    • Heather Shay
    • Dannie250
    • SamC
    • Petra Jane
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • April Marie
    • Ashley0616
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      – According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is Max. Other popular names include Molly, Sam, Zach, and Maggie.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      Either new environment/ not potty trained
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Bob was on his way home from the dojo and he "just happened" to driver by her place. It was 10:30.  Her light was still on.  He knew exactly where she was sitting.  He saw her in his mind.   A fierce wave of desire that took his breath away suddenly showed up. All he had to do was stop, get out of the car, walk to the door and knock.  She would answer, glad to see him.  She would know why he was there and what he wanted. She would invite him in, maybe get him something to drink, disappear for a moment and return in "something more comfortable."  She would lead him back. Oh, joy.   And never, ever speak to him again afterwards.  Or she would not let him in but be angry about it.  In no way, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, was she ready for this, and he knew it, if he was honest with himself, and she knew he knew it.  She would look upon it as another assault and their relationship would be irretrievably broken.  He would have to leave town. It would devastate her. It would devastate him.    He fought himself.  He was frozen to his seat as his reason and his body fought. He was twenty four years old, a full-blooded male with normal desires; he had just worked out and he was ready.  All he had to do now was open the car door. No one would know. He held his hands, one in the other, to keep one from moving, against his reason and will, to open that door.  He did not want to be a slave of his desires.   He looked across the street.  Mrs. McCarthy, sister of his landlord, was peeking though her window.  She knew his car.  Everyone in town would know by noon the next day if he got out of the car.  Taylor did not need that, either, and she would know, if he came to the door now, what a selfish thing it would be: in his own eyes, in the eyes of Taylor, in the eyes of the town, and worst of all, in the eyes of God.   He sat there a moment longer.  He was, as he reflected, entering into her sufferings in a small way that she would be made whole, healthy and happy: what he wanted more than anything.  But this hurt.  Why had all this come on her?  He asked God again, but there was only silence. He drove home in that silence. He chided himself for even going on her street and for driving on it other nights.  He would stop that, he told himself.   ------------------------------------------   The next morning Taylor went out to her car to go to work.  Mrs. McCarthy met her before she got to it. "I thought you were going to get lucky last night, dearie," she said. Taylor was puzzled. "Why, what do you mean?" "That young fellow - you know, Bob - he's been driving around here, going up and down the street some nights, not stopping.  Well, last night he parked and sat in his car for a while.   I think he was staring at your window.  I think he was trying to get up the courage to knock on the door. I was rooting for him.   But then he drove away.  Faint heart never won fair lady, as they say. What a shame. You two are a lovely couple.  Well, have a good day!" "Thank you, Mrs. McCarthy."  Taylor knew Bob extremely well and knew what had been going through his mind.  She was more than grateful he had not gotten out of the car. Better for him, better for her, better for everybody.  Surgery "down there" sooner than later.  This was driving the poor boy crazy. It was driving her crazy, too.  But she had a lot to work through. Surgery "up here" she said, pointing to her head.  She woke up her therapist on the way to work.  They were still talking when she pulled into her designated parking spot.  That was a perk that had happened yesterday.  She took a deep breath and headed into work. It would be another wild day.
    • Ashley0616
      bittersweet: especially : pleasure accompanied by suffering or regret
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I'm thinking about some interactions yesterday I did, while presenting as male but acting as female, that were far better than I did when I was presenting as male and acting as male.  #girlunderhood. I do a crappy job at acting as male and I am giving it up.  I am not talking about feminine gestures or presentation but just relating as a woman.  People don't realize I am doing it but it is a whole lot easier to do.   You don't just put on a dress and BOOM you are a girl.  You are a girl and you put on a dress.  Or not. Whether I am in jeans or a skirt (I wish, wife would have lots to say) I am a girl.  I don't need $250 in makeup and heels and hose and all that.  I don't need surgery. Honey, I have arrived.  Now I have to work out how that best works in my life, causing the minimal damage and creating the maximum good, but I have more working room.   Oh, and I am still pissed off at everyone and everything. #Contradictory.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      @Willow it is certainly possible that my husband planned it. Placing me in the path of an opportunity....he certainly does things like that. GF has done some work for the company as an outside consultant, so I'm sure the company owner knows what potential resources are around.    It could also have just happened randomly. He has taken me to work with him before, just because he likes to have me around. I remember one time that I fell asleep with my head in his lap, and he held a meeting with his subordinates without waking me and making me move.  The company culture is family oriented and relaxed.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The photo is great.  Software is phenomenal but it also is sort of a promise of things to come. Years ago this sort of thing took a photographer and Photoshop and all sorts of things and you would say, "I can look like THIS??"   Me, I am a duck.  That's from my driver's license.  Just kidding.
    • MaeBe
      I lucked into that picture. I took like 10 before that, which appropriately make me look like a donkey. ;)   Thank you so much for the compliment!
    • Mmindy
      You're welcome Sally,   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      This is a great analogy. The statement is true as it relates to the tree. The analogy fits because we as a LGBTQIA community are stronger when we stand together. It also work here on Transgender Pulse Forums. The support I feel from so many others has made me comfortable with my stance, because I'm in a beautiful forest of friends. So when I'm out alone and confronted. I can respond and act like the single tree in the field, surviving whatever comes my way. My roots reach back and communicate with others like me.    Standing Strong,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Ashley0616
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...