I dont know how to make love to my newly transitioned wife and she takes it offensively

[Flowers]

Hello my wife is recently transitioned. I love her so much. Making love is very different now that is not just me taking it, and I am terrible at it and I need help. I know how to be submissive, that's what I'm comfortable, with that's what I like. Now in order to be a good lover I need to be more, I need to be different, I need to be somebody who can take charge and kind of take the lead. To be honest this is the scariest thing on Earth to me to take the lead in a sexual situation. I am a brave person in other aspects of life but when it comes to taking the lead in sex it's the scariest thing to me that I can do. She doesn't understand this at all, she feels rejected and unwanted by me. So to me now I'm so scared and nervous to have sex and I never want to or am motivated to have sex because I am so nervous, it is so much for me to muster up the courage and get out of my comfort zone that I basically have no sex drive at all anymore. I am like frozen in fear.   Another part of it is that there has been a few times that I tried to have sex with her and it disappointed her, it's not enough, it's never for long enough, she thinks I zone out part way through it, I've gone to deep and hurt her on accident I'm really afraid of doing that again. I feel like I am absolutely terrible at sex. I have no confidence in myself in this aspect at all. But I REALLY miss it,the connection and the touch and the freeness. And she really needs it.  And she really deserves a good lover. I need to build confidence and get more comfortable but I feel like I have an entire mountain of nervousness to climb any time sex is even mentioned. I feel like I am hopeless but I want to be there for my love sooooooooooooo bad. But I don't want to mess up and dissapoint her ever again. If anyone has any thoughts or advice for me I would really appreciate it.

[Flowers]

Hello, was this content not appropriate for this site? Just looking for help but I can look elsewhere if this site doesn't allow those kinds of topics

[MaryEllen]

I'd say you have a legitimate concern. You didn't go into explicit details so all is fine. 

 

MaryEllen

[Maddee]

@Flowers  Maybe try to give them what you yourself want done to you.  Make them react how you want to react and try enjoying that and making that fun.   I don't know, but that might be what they were doing before the change.  it won't be everything, but it can be part of something. Peace Love

 Bless.  Good luck!!

[Jackie C.]

 

What @Maddee said, but the key to a fantastic time in the bedroom is communication. Talk about it. Ask her what she wants. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. When you're with somebody you love, they'll understand. This is a whole new playbook for both of you. Presuming that neither of you are psychic, you'll need to talk to each other to get to the other side of this.

 

I mean I could tell you what *I* like, but I'm not your partner and we're all unique. So yeah. Talk to each other. Best of luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

[Flowers]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

What @Maddee said, but the key to a fantastic time in the bedroom is communication. Talk about it. Ask her what she wants. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. When you're with somebody you love, they'll understand. This is a whole new playbook for both of you. Presuming that neither of you are psychic, you'll need to talk to each other to get to the other side of this.

 

I mean I could tell you what *I* like, but I'm not your partner and we're all unique. So yeah. Talk to each other. Best of luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

Thank you for the advice! I need to internalize not to be afraid to make mistakes because that is a big hurdle. I am so terrified to make mistakes that I get nervous when we are getting sexy. That's the really hard part because my nervousness is a huge turn off for her and when I'm nervous she feels like I'm nervous because I don't want to make love to her in the new way. How can I help her understand that I don't want to be nervous, I can't help it, and that my nervousness does not mean I am not into making love to her?

[Flowers]

 

5 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

What @Maddee said, but the key to a fantastic time in the bedroom is communication. Talk about it. Ask her what she wants. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. When you're with somebody you love, they'll understand. This is a whole new playbook for both of you. Presuming that neither of you are psychic, you'll need to talk to each other to get to the other side of this.

 

I mean I could tell you what *I* like, but I'm not your partner and we're all unique. So yeah. Talk to each other. Best of luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

 

5 hours ago, Maddee said:

@Flowers  Maybe try to give them what you yourself want done to you.  Make them react how you want to react and try enjoying that and making that fun.   I don't know, but that might be what they were doing before the change.  it won't be everything, but it can be part of something. Peace Love

 Bless.  Good luck!!

Thank you for the advice:) I like how you said it can be part of something. Thank you I think I am so worried about being nervous and making her happy/satisfied that I didn't even think about enjoying it myself.

Edited May 30, 2021 by Carolyn Marie
Removed double quote box.

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

This is a whole new playbook for both of you.

What Jackie says here is true. After all, women treat women so much differently in and out of the bedroom. It’s a learning experience for you both. I’m certainly no expert on this subject but I do have a great relationship with my spouse after transitioning.

 

A lot of it is how you go about it. My spouse and I had to work through many of the changes you two are experiencing. It took a lot of experimentation with new ideas. We left all the baggage from our previous relationship as man and wife behind. One things that helped us early on was a shopping spree at a place nearby us called the Love Zone. It’s a relatively large shop and our first visit there was fruitful. We purchased many items and discussed many things that we wanted to try while shopping. We found out together some new things we might enjoy and new things about each other. If you two spend some time together in one of these shops, I’m sure you two will find new ideas and new things you might enjoy together also.

 

 

Be open to new things or at least give them an honest try. You never know how the experience might change with practice or a little pillow talk. Which brings up another important topic. For my spouse and I, the “dance getting  her there” (the word I want to use is censored) is as important for her as it is for you. Take time and let your wife know that she is the most important thing at that moment.

 

You may not want to be dominant but you can be open to role play on occasion. We all do it in our daily lives to some extent as it’s natural. We are different people to each person we know in some regard. You can be what your partner wants to make her feel special. It can be especially important with this part of your intimacy.

 

 

Changing things up like this can be very exciting for you two. You both know you don’t want to get into the same routine as you were as your former selves. And as you’ve explained, that won’t work anymore anyways. Over the last few years, my spouse and I have been able to find things that do work well. Five years ago, we would’ve never imagined enjoying ourselves so much so differently. Hopefully, in time you two can find that also. Take it slow and don’t worry.

 

Best of Luck,

Susan R?

[Maddee]

2 hours ago, Flowers said:

 

 

...I think I am so worried about being nervous and making her happy/satisfied that I didn't even think about enjoying it myself.

Totally know what that feels like

[Betty K]

Aww this is so touching @Flowers, with an attitude like yours I don’t see  how you can lose. Xxx

[Flowers]

21 hours ago, Susan R said:

What Jackie says here is true. After all, women treat women so much differently in and out of the bedroom. It’s a learning experience for you both. I’m certainly no expert on this subject but I do have a great relationship with my spouse after transitioning.

 

A lot of it is how you go about it. My spouse and I had to work through many of the changes you two are experiencing. It took a lot of experimentation with new ideas. We left all the baggage from our previous relationship as man and wife behind. One things that helped us early on was a shopping spree at a place nearby us called the Love Zone. It’s a relatively large shop and our first visit there was fruitful. We purchased many items and discussed many things that we wanted to try while shopping. We found out together some new things we might enjoy and new things about each other. If you two spend some time together in one of these shops, I’m sure you two will find new ideas and new things you might enjoy together also.

 

 

Be open to new things or at least give them an honest try. You never know how the experience might change with practice or a little pillow talk. Which brings up another important topic. For my spouse and I, the “dance getting  her there” (the word I want to use is censored) is as important for her as it is for you. Take time and let your wife know that she is the most important thing at that moment.

 

You may not want to be dominant but you can be open to role play on occasion. We all do it in our daily lives to some extent as it’s natural. We are different people to each person we know in some regard. You can be what your partner wants to make her feel special. It can be especially important with this part of your intimacy.

 

 

Changing things up like this can be very exciting for you two. You both know you don’t want to get into the same routine as you were as your former selves. And as you’ve explained, that won’t work anymore anyways. Over the last few years, my spouse and I have been able to find things that do work well. Five years ago, we would’ve never imagined enjoying ourselves so much so differently. Hopefully, in time you two can find that also. Take it slow and don’t worry.

 

Best of Luck,

Susan R?

Wow this is such a thoughtful response Susan and is really helpful to hear people going through similar things. Thank you for showing me this perspective, I am feeling more feelings of excitement start to overpower some of those feelings of nervousness and worry. Hope you have a beautiful day?

[Flowers]

20 hours ago, Maddee said:

Totally know what that feels like

So helpful to know others feel that sometimes too and I am not totally crazy lol. Thank you so much for helping me turn my focus to enjoyment and fun:) we had a great night last night and your comments really helped me!

[Flowers]

2 hours ago, Betty K said:

Aww this is so touching @Flowers, with an attitude like yours I don’t see  how you can lose. Xxx

That is so sweet of you to say @Betty K thank you for your support:) I hope you have some fun today:)

[Red_Lauren.]

Im dealing with this my self in a way, but its a lot different. I haven't been with my girl friend since march of last year. We had a big fight in November, and i figured we were done. I decided to transition in December. I saw her a few weeks ago, and while she wasn't surprised. We both know its going to be different. Both in the bed room, and in our personal lives. Right now were working through it though, and taking it day by day. I wish you luck in what ever happens. 

[DonkeySocks]

On 5/30/2021 at 10:44 AM, Flowers said:

Now in order to be a good lover I need to be more, I need to be different, I need to be somebody who can take charge and kind of take the lead.

She also needs to take charge of her own pleasure. This is a team project between the two of you. From experience: do not try to have sex with penetration for at least three weeks. Instead, during that time, and also when you get back into those activities, make sure you have some kind of skin-on-skin touch at least three times a week. Hugs every day. Stop and think about when was the last time you hugged, and seek it out, reminding her and yourself that this is a new rule for you--more touch of all kinds! The idea would be that when you would usually have sex, instead you go to bed and touch in all other ways. Not sure if the word is allowed here, but that other activity that a person does solo for pleasure is allowed, too, and if you are comfortable with it you can hold hands or kiss during that. The idea of all this is to first of all remove the performance anxiety. If there's nothing to perform, but you still get to touch, then there's nothing to be afraid of. Secondly, this is about having time to talk about your expectations and to explore why she is offended when sex doesn't go right. If she's equating good sex with a good relationship, then that is going to backfire and it's no wonder you're so tense. If she thinks that performance in bed proves one way or another how you feel about her, this needs to be addressed. It's not a fair test of your affection. You can't hold up her self-esteem all by yourself.

 

But in any case, it is vital that when you don't have sex, you have some other kind of intimacy, or the performance anxiety only gets worse with each passing time that you don't get to do it--you think it has to be that much better to make up for it, so it ends up increasing the problems. Agree together on what "counts" as sex / intimacy. For instance, if one of you isn't in the mood, or you're too anxious, would it be acceptable to take clothes off but not "go all the way"? Practice whatever you agree on together on a schedule, so you don't let it go too long in between times and end up getting bitter and anxious about it. Also she should be practicing on herself, she should not be expecting you to know what she likes unless she knows first, herself.

[Flowers]

On 5/31/2021 at 7:52 AM, Flowers said:

That is so sweet of you to say @Betty K thank you for your support:) I hope you have some fun today:)

I always to make her feel bad, I feel awful. I wish she could feel the love I have for her. I love her so much.