How to deal with odd relationship with one's genitals?

[swallow]

Hi everyone,

 

Hope this is not too X rated. Let me know if I should put on a filter.

 

My relationship with my? genitals I can only describe as 'the odd couple'.?

 

I don't hate it but I don't like it either.

 

I used to tell my partner I WISH I could come home from work, take it off and hang it on a clothes hook for the night (maybe I'd  conveniently forget to put it back on ever)?

 

It's been a part of all my life and I'm grateful for it because I've got two great kids (from each testicle presumably).

 

I don't begrudge it either since I appreciate just being healthy having gone through the loss of my spouse and her cancer. Sometimes I feel I should not touch or change what has been given to me as a healthy 'blessing' at least...

 

"But bloody hell what a bother!"

 

It just sits there inconveniently taking all that space...shuffling about unnecessarily.?

 

...not that I blame it, its neighbor is an A-hole after all...?

 

Just the other day, I thought I had it neatly tucked away (in 3 layers of underwear!!!) ...but something shifted right in the middle of dropping stuff off with my kid at school (end of semester returns). I had no opportunity to adjust being that I was wearing a pair of my black Dungarees....parents everywhere, kid in the car.?

 

I tried to 'get in' when no one was looking to do a quick adjustment but it looked like I was fingering myself and I noticed the woman behind me had line of sight to my side mirror (Fortunately she was on her phone...hew)?

 

It was a PAINFUL journey home thru traffic. I was fearful I may have done some permanent damage...?

 

Yet I could not go out without tucking it away (even if I could get away with it in dungarees)

 

In many ways I feel sorry for it. I look down and it looks up at me forlorn, "why don't you like me?"...and I feel so guilty.?

 

Its not like I want a Vagina either. I don't think I'd be good at managing it nor do I relish monthly periods if I were a Cis-woman.

 

In many ways I appreciate the little fella since going in say a dirty public stall has its convenience firing from height. No yucky seat or messy squat.

 

Personally I wish it would shrink (particularly the testicles) and retract into the body, if penis was just a small little protuberance, that would be fine with me.

 

Something neat and discrete, I would not have to worry about popping out in wrong places wearing tighter fitting clothing (or no clothing) please please please.

 

Maybe, an Orchiectomy would be for me although I worry about health consequences after (oesteoporosis?) . Or perhaps prolong HRT maybe might shrink it to a less consequential size (not that I'm saying I'm hung like a horse or anything....far from it)....

 

...it's there, looking unloved, unappreciated and despondent. Poor little fella.

 

I'm having great difficulties waxing and waning between acceptance of what I have and wanting it away.?

 

I don't want the surgery. If there were a magic wand and I turned female complete with vagina sure sign me up but otherwise...I just want it neater and more manageable that's all.

 

Maybe one way of coping with it is I imagine it to be female and I'd give it a female name. Violet? For shrinking maybe???

 

I dunno...I like to be tucked as much as possible but I'm worried I'm gonna do serious damage.?

 

Just venting!

 

Trying to cope for now.

 

I'm trying to be sensible but sometimes I feel so overcome by it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, swallow said:

Just venting!

 

Trying to cope for now.

 

I'm trying to be sensible but sometimes I feel so overcome by it.

Great post and a great read…if this is your style of venting…more power to you.

 

Love it,

Susan R?

[KayC]

9 hours ago, swallow said:

...not that I blame it, its neighbor is an A-hole after all..

You're so funny, swallow!  thanks for sharing this .. I am 100% with you on the love/hate aspect of my "friend" but not sure I will ever be able to fully part ways with him.  So, for now he's "along for the ride" ?

[swallow]

Hi All,

 

Just trying to see the funny side of a painful (literally) circumstance is all...?

 

Although now I think about it...maybe this belongs in the Abuse and self harm section...?

 

or maybe its an abusive relationship??

 

I've yet to perfect my tucking 'technique'...have experimented with all sorts of 'options'

 

Bought some 'gaffs' from a company called Koala USA. Gidday buddy...?

 

1) The most useful one is a Thong with two small 'pouches' for comfort of the testes. Problem, one (left ball) has a bit more fabric (given I guess most left testicles maybe are lower??) which then adds to complications making sure the whole package is even when put on. Thus far the most useful worn outside another underwear (often one of those waist high body shapers)

 

2) The most perplexing is one which came with a metal ring in the front. I'm not fond of Satin but then there is this metal ring and the damm thing came without instructions. I didn't think you were suppose to squeeze your assets through the ring like a circus trick maybe? So the best guess was it kinda sits above on the pelvis as a weight to keep the testes firmly in and Violet next to A hole neighbor. And it worked....except I won't be able to use it through Airport security and not have to explain what exactly its function was to TSA all over again...?

 

3) The third is the least useful... it advertised a split which you are suppose to leave some skin slipping through to feel like you have you know what...but the back end of it is not connected so it literally just slips off. Its far too gay kinky for my liking with the rear end presumably open to all comers...?

 

I'm now waiting on one from Etsy from the UK I believe its called B&B (as n Bed and Breakfast?)...looks like good quality stitching but expensive considering Air mail...?

 

Might have to do a review show to make money back on this 'venture'...if it works out assuming.

 

...what I really one is a skin (Tan?) coloured gaff with strong ungiving but breathable material. I search for nude colored gaffs and got a bunch of gaffs pop up on Amazon...but with lips adorned in the front and latex...erm don't need that sort of detailing...?

 

The problem I feel is keeping the two pals of Violet firmly kept up in their canals away from falling towards the force of gravity. I could always employ tape but prefer not to.

 

I went for a run today in a above the knee Yoga stretchy legging... Spent almost an hour trying to decide whether to leave the house (If I was decent enough)...meanwhile the sun was getting hotter (I usually prefer to run early with clouds)

 

Finally did my circuit with 3 pairs of Underwear literally like Under armour underneath... result was a reasonably flat look, not much out of place despite reasonably quick run (In my mind at least)

 

But it looked so thick in front and I forgot the manufacture of the garment said to wear darker undies with the grey color so it won't show true (I wore two white pairs and a darker one right over so hopefully it wasn't a 'free show' as much)?

 

Anyway after a brief cool down and stretch in the park (No one seem to turn their heads or glare so I felt it was a pass), was crossing the road back to my building, one of these workman in his truck slowed down  on opposite side, looked out of his window and said "Yeah baby!"?

 

Don't know what to make of it. Was it in jest? Or was he typical blue collar type that had to voice out his horniness appreciation and "my amazing body"??? ?Good grief!

 

I seem to typically attract the working man. Once went to work (ON THE FILM SET! ALL DAY!) and came back to the crew parking. Someone had left a note on my windshield!

 

It was a Plumber!!! (Of course)...scribbled at the back of his business card was (in poor handwriting...maybe he was holding 'a snake')...'You look so sexy and beautiful, call me'

 

Was that one of my colleagues playing with me? Who knows??

 

I just wanna cut down my prep time before a run not have to keep checking the mirror from every imaginary/and real angle have to adjust and re-adjust over and over again before going out for a 20 min morning run.?

 

 

 

 

[rainflower]

If you get an orchi, you only are at risk for osteoporosis if you don't supplement with HRT. If you take estradiol you'll be fine. Keep in mind that most articles and journals about orchis are about cis men, and they don't want estradiol after they get that.

[swallow]

Hi Rainflower,

 

Duly noted many thanks.?

 

I will have to see an Endo to figure out if I am suitable for HRT bc of my prior bout with Guillan Barre Syndrome.

 

...until then its an uneasy relationship with the folks down south.?

 

It might be easier if I get to the stage of putting on a frock outdoors. Maybe I can afford a slightly 'less stringent' tuck.

 

I have several dresses bought but am not fully out yet nor have I resolved my voice issue. They're ready to go though!

 

Yet I am pushing the limits I feel with these 'daring' (leave little to the imagination) yoga leggings I must say.?

 

I feel maybe its bc I am almost fighting internally pushing myself to test how fully acceptable I am.

 

But there are eventually obvious hard limits. Beyond which, its HRT.

 

It's weird bc I remember quite some years back, a friend of my partner's suddenly started talking to me about 'my junk' (women talk...they must have been discussing my inability to perform/frequency of intimate act). I actually felt quite defensive that she referred to it as 'junk'....I beg your pardon lady...! ?

 

As I said, I'm not attached to them (even if I am physically) but I have a sense of appreciation for them as well.

 

How very complicated...I wish it were simpler.?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[rainflower]

@swallow Ha your comment about being offended at the word junk was cute, I feel the same way.

When I first came out, I dove right in and was a full time woman, despite not having access to HRT until almost 3 months later. I did not tuck. I wore dresses, as those easily cover any bulge down there. You can wear leggings if you pair them with a long top that covers that area. I also found that with certain brands of women's jeans I didn't have much of a bulge. I did a little bit and still do, but I just don't worry about it.

[swallow]

Hi,

 

Yah...Tucking can be so annoying...sometimes like today, I achieved the PERFECT harmony of Tuck?, the sweet spot of hide and comfort...but then of course had to pee? so had to 'laboriously'/underwear gymnastics...put it together again.?

 

Came out to three friends overseas yesterday which was literally D Day (But of course also Pride Month). They're Gay and Transgender (on a project I was on many decades past)

 

Of course (maybe they were just saying it) but they knew all along. Apparently my energy and physical demeanor a dead give away never mind feminine clothing. And I thought I was being reasonably 'discrete with my male voice.??

 

Maybe if I carry this  'energy', it will distract from people in public having a close critical inspection of my nether region...? (or I won't feel so paranoid)

 

Certainly feel that way at book store today. I suspect  (being in LA), most interactions I have when they discover I am not an atypical woman they tend to add 'extra effort'....or it could be my imagination. But it seems they are a tad more 'patient' to me (as if I was a bit more helpless) where as a 'male' before they tend to be more curt and matter of fact.

 

I'm not sure if I pass or if people are all quite accepting but whatever...?

 

I hope I can open up to my kids next and that will pave the way to me surmounting my psychological blockage with the voice... thereafter I'd be more comfortable donning my dresses (Can't wait).

 

The 'Friends down there'...I'm in two minds whether to an Orchiectomy or start with micro dosed HRT gradually first, see if they can be scaled down to a less annoyance. I guess the Endo will provide good advise.

 

I'm more concern with the 'self harm' part at the moment.

 

BUT a good day today no dysphoria. Probably riding on the acceptance of good friends!?