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No sex with wife since I told her I was trans

renee m

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renee m

we are married 27 years and i have crossed dressed a few times with her.  we had sex all those times.  i told her last year that i was trans.  it made apprehensive at first. she was afraid that i might change and become a woman.  i did want to discuss HRT and transitioning but did not want to overwhelm her with too much information.  i have slowly brought up some issues-i am bisexual; and other things.  since last year we have not had sex.  anyone else have this problem?

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i told my wife 12 years ago for the first time, as i have posted before, and she rejected the idea. now i am fully out to her, it was a long process. now from the time i told her, we decided that sex really wasnt important to our relationship. in the last 12 years, we have had sex maybe 4 or 5 times. we have been together 27 years, and our relationship has transended to the point that we really dont need that one little thing. we are totally faithful to each other, even though i have told her she could find another partner, as long as she doesnt fall in love and abbandon me, she simply says she no longer desires sex. love is the real important thing, it should be unconditional. companionship, sharing, and joy much outway the physical need for sex in our marrage. 

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We confronted the no-sex issue long before I came out as trans.  She is several years older than me, and hit menopause quite a few years ago.  Her libido just vanished.  It was disappointing at the time, but it greatly simplified things when I came out to her. 


She was initially worried that I would suddenly go out chasing men.  I reassured her that not only was I interested only in women, I was only interested in one woman: her.  At that point, we hadn't had sex in years, and nothing changed about that.  So, when it came time to plan my GCS, I opted for the zero-depth option.


We are still the best of friends.  We enjoy a good cuddle.

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Elizabeth Star

Due to health issues my wife libido dropped to zero about 5 years ago, not that we had an amazing sex life to begin with. After I told her I was trans she decided to really turn the knife and made it clear that she will never even think about touching me again. Doesn’t really matter to me, I just like having her in my life. 

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I'm kind of in that same situation. we have been married 41 years, I have dressed up in her clothes on Halloween a couple of times. She looked disgusted. I told her about a two years ago that i wished i have be born a girl. She didn't like that either. Her health is slowly declining due to Type 2 diabetes, so the love life is near zero.

Then on top of that, i finally got to the  point where i cannot stand all this hair on my body. So i shaved my under Arms, chest, belly and abdomen, and i love the feeling of no hair. 

She tells me that she loves my chest hair. I tell her i can't stand it. Then she tells me that if she cannot have my chest hair to keep away from her, do not touch her until i grow my hair back. 

So... I guess what little love making we did have every month or so is now out the window also.

But, it don't matter to me, i love the no hair feel and look. 



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  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.
1 hour ago, josie0314 said:

She tells me that she loves my chest hair.


Well that's the problem right there. Should have kept it in a baggie for her. 😉


Seriously though, I'm sorry she feels that way. Both partners are allowed to be comfortable in a relationship. Neither one should have to do anything that makes them feel icky to make the other one happy. I don't have a solution, but you have my deepest sympathy. Everybody deserves human contact with someone they love.



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16 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

Due to health issues my wife libido dropped to zero about 5 years ago, not that we had an amazing sex life to begin with. After I told her I was trans she decided to really turn the knife and made it clear that she will never even think about touching me again. Doesn’t really matter to me, I just like having her in my life. 

This is another area of commonality. My Suzie and I are going down the same road as you Liz. I don’t want to be her poor health enabler, but I will always be there to love and care for her. 



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Hi @renee m!  For me the lack of a vibrant sex-llife with my wife is not really connected to me coming out to her as Transfeminine (like others offered, my wife also has virtually no libido for over 30 years) .
While she is struggling mightily with accepting me as transfeminine, it has not increased or decreased our frequency (about once a month).


I have to assume some spouses might withhold sex as a "punishment" to express their displeasure.  This is a form of manipulation or even "bullying" in some sense and not good for a relationship, regardless of the reason. 

You did not mention whether you are in gender therapy, but this would be good to discuss with your therapist if you are, or even couples therapy if that is possible. 

I know physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship (for me at least it is) so I hope you can find a way through this that meets both your needs and desires. 

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