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Not that I really want to. but....


Britany_Relia

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Britany_Relia

There's nothing that I 'really want' from my life anymore.

I've started seeking help and I have a therapist now and an appointment for a psych. I know I have major depression and anxiety. I believe I have PTSD and it could even be bad enough to be C-PTSD (which I've only just discovered exists).

I'm crying, all the time. 4 times a day is light. it's usually more like 10+. 

I've attempted to motivate people with my life story so many times, but I don't think it actually helps anyone.  Sometimes it seems like it does, but I really can't be sure.  It's quite a bit more likely that my life story is just that, a story.  Maybe there's nothing else to it, and I'm not sure why I exist.  What's the point of having this complicated life if it can't/doesn't help anyone?  It doesn't seem like there is a point.  Even though I don't want to die and I'm fighting so hard it makes me wonder how I'm still here... I still can't understand it.

I always am told I'm just complaining too much, and by now I really rather agree than disagree.  I can't justify this level of sadness anymore.  It doesn't compute.  It's like my brain is just hard-wired now to think the same things even when I'm telling it not to.  I've done all the work... I use all the coping mechanisms... it just doesn't freakin' compute.

I've always tried to help people.  I've always tried to come up with answers to the big questions of life.  Yet no one likes my answers.  I frequently get told.. "who asked you?" or, "nobody asked..."

I see the world around me and the way people behave and I try to guide it to be better, but it doesn't change a single thing and just makes me a target.  I'm the stupid one, questioning what people do every day. Trying to improve on it.. 

yeah, theoretically that's all well and good. Improve the world? Fix things around you? Anyone will congratulate that when it's a subjective idea.  But when I actually DO THE THING. Suddenly.... it's time for the hate........ Because it's easier to let things be what they are rather than work on them.  No one wants to think about it if it interrupts their day.  so.. yea... it's all fine and dandy about improving the world... until you actually try it.  Then they all want your head on a platter.  

Sometimes... I just want to give it to them. but I'm still fighting. and I wouldn't be able to tell ya why...

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  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

Britany dear, i am sorry you are feeling so low!  I have also had times during my life when i was severely depressed.  Fortunately i got help both medically and with some therapy.  I went to AA to deal with an addiction which may have partially stemmed from "self medication" for depression.  You are doing the right thing simply by reaching out here.  I found i couldn't get better by myself.  Having isolated in my misery, opening up and getting help let the light start coming in.  Today i'm living a wonderful life, beyond any thing i could have hoped for.

Keep opening up and please get professional help as well.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

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Timber Wolf

Hi Britany,

 

It sounds to me like you may be suffering from clinical depression. I'm glad you are seeking help. My stepmom suffered from that and I hear some similarities.

 

Sometimes we can get thinking that we have to cause some great, remarkable change to help somebody. But it's the little things we do that add up to so much more than most peoples greatest accomplishments in life. Every time we smile at someone, or give a friend a hug when they're feeling down, we can make them feel just a little bit better. Or getting something from a store shelf for someone who can't reach it. It's all those little things that by themselves don't seem to change things that can really make a difference in someones life, even if just for a day. And that's a beautiful thing. We always make a difference, we just don't always see it.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

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