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Yesterday's Ups and Downs

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Yesterday was a momentous day, I got my legal name change completed by the Probate Court, and am now legally Amber Marie {surname}. I am so happy about it, but also got disappointed yesterday in myself. After the proceedings I thought about trying to go celebrate by going and getting lunch out. However, as I got close, I couldn’t bring myself to going to the mall, I just felt ugly and almost like an imposter. I feel like I should be there, but I am not ready to go to a mall with lots of diverse people there. I did try to reframe some, but still didn’t fully work. I am scared that this is going to happen for example when I return to going to work in the office (if that happens), that it is just going to be too much. I am trying to do things in queer spaces, but will that be enough? I am finding myself hit the what ifs quickly and am trying to challenge them. I was feeling good, yet now, not as much.


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Congratulations on the name change!  I remember how great that made me feel.  As to the feelings you have towards the mall all i can say is that they will pass with each small step you take.  I remember that fear as well.  It seemed gangs of young girls seemed to giggle as they passed, folks looked at me accusingly and i just couldn't take it.  As my confidence and sense of self grew those feelings passed.  

Try to enjoy each triumph knowing that the defeats do change to future triumphs.





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@AmberMCongratulations you have reached a major milestone. I will join you next Tuesday when I have my court date for name change.


I know the other ladies are as proud of you as I am.


I think you are going through a natural letdown after a major event.


I remember when I used to have parties that I spent so much time being a host(ess) that once every thing was over my body just released and I realized how exhausted I was. I think your adrenaline just peaked - so don't let it get you down - go and get some ice cream lady.

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Thanks for the feedback @Charlize and @Shay. I am trying to be thankful and take in the small victories, it just seems to create an imposter syndrome when I don't meet my own expectations. I know I shouldn't have as high of expectations, I just can't easily shake them off. I know it is something that I am going to talk to my therapist about today and see if she has any insights.

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You are doing fine - it took a lifetime to confront the actual fraud - now it will take time to release the real you. Be kind to yourself. You are worth it.

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