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Yesterday's Ups and Downs


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AmberM

 

Yesterday was a momentous day, I got my legal name change completed by the Probate Court, and am now legally Amber Marie {surname}. I am so happy about it, but also got disappointed yesterday in myself. After the proceedings I thought about trying to go celebrate by going and getting lunch out. However, as I got close, I couldn’t bring myself to going to the mall, I just felt ugly and almost like an imposter. I feel like I should be there, but I am not ready to go to a mall with lots of diverse people there. I did try to reframe some, but still didn’t fully work. I am scared that this is going to happen for example when I return to going to work in the office (if that happens), that it is just going to be too much. I am trying to do things in queer spaces, but will that be enough? I am finding myself hit the what ifs quickly and am trying to challenge them. I was feeling good, yet now, not as much.

 

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Charlize

Congratulations on the name change!  I remember how great that made me feel.  As to the feelings you have towards the mall all i can say is that they will pass with each small step you take.  I remember that fear as well.  It seemed gangs of young girls seemed to giggle as they passed, folks looked at me accusingly and i just couldn't take it.  As my confidence and sense of self grew those feelings passed.  

Try to enjoy each triumph knowing that the defeats do change to future triumphs.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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@AmberMCongratulations you have reached a major milestone. I will join you next Tuesday when I have my court date for name change.

 

I know the other ladies are as proud of you as I am.

 

I think you are going through a natural letdown after a major event.

 

I remember when I used to have parties that I spent so much time being a host(ess) that once every thing was over my body just released and I realized how exhausted I was. I think your adrenaline just peaked - so don't let it get you down - go and get some ice cream lady.

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Thanks for the feedback @Charlize and @Shay. I am trying to be thankful and take in the small victories, it just seems to create an imposter syndrome when I don't meet my own expectations. I know I shouldn't have as high of expectations, I just can't easily shake them off. I know it is something that I am going to talk to my therapist about today and see if she has any insights.

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You are doing fine - it took a lifetime to confront the actual fraud - now it will take time to release the real you. Be kind to yourself. You are worth it.

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