Those awkward Moments? Just power through them....

[swallow]

Hi everyone,

 

Sharing my usual morning disaster to make everyone feel better (hopefully)

 

I think (in my mind at least) I pass reasonably well visually (no one as far as I can tell giving second looks).

 

Even so the paranoia of going out is so debilitating.?

 

It takes me quite a while to resolve to be comfortable enough to exit for simple things like the market. Today it was almost another 45minutes as I pondered whether pushing the limits with a crop top (Modestly under a Dungaree of course) would work. Adjust/re-adjust repeatedly.

 

What has become a double edge sword in recent weeks is incorporating a Bra into the routine (where I use to go Sans 'breasts')...I bought a 34A strapless which fits perfectly and has 'support' sufficient enough to give me some form up top but not too much. My son hasn't mentioned anything and it seems to add to overall demeanor both physically and behaviorally.☺️

 

But at the same time, I'm always nervous its a bit 'too much' and I'd get 'found out'. Much of this likely in my head...?

 

So Bra on, Bra off, Bra on, Bra off...

 

In the end, decided running out of time, had to go for it.

 

Yep...it was bra and crop top time.

 

And of course, it went off without a synch as I browsed gracefully (if hurriedly) through the aisle of the market.

 

No one bothered to give me a second look (Stealth at work)...for a while I was thinking this is no good, I'd like a bit of  (the right) notice...?

 

Until I spilled a box of Cherries (Rainer) all over the market floor (must have got snagged by my bag I suppose, so clumsy)?

 

Urgh...I  tried my best to look graceful, squat down legs together to pick all them Cherries up one at a time... as luck would have it, a nice helpful young man came over to help out.

 

Unfortunately, my old devil resurface as I registered my appreciation in (as soft as possible) but a male voice...? Why? What happen to five minute rehearsal in car???

 

I think there is that moment they do a super subtle double take. To his credit he did not seem to think it an issue and kept with task in hand. Had I not of course had two mask on...I would have just had to flash him a sweet smile.?

 

Anyway, it all 'unravelled' from there on. I then had to return the 'soiled' box to a market attendant. I found one at frozen food section and told her about my accident. Again I don't think she was expecting the lower voice so there was a fraction pause but she seemed with the program, took it in, so no problem.

 

So by the time I got to check out, I was all out of whack from prepared encounter voice resolution...stuck in 4th gear (male voice) decided to just power it through.?

 

Clerk at check out was non engaging type... which was more than fine with me.

 

Got back home and encountered my Super as I carted the groceries back home. I think he has been in recent months more 'uncomfortable' with me so was a bit nervous with my attire...but I guess considering everything, just double down...greeted him in as soft and friendly a stuck in lower voice lyrical "Hi" as possible and walked past. I think he stop to check the crop top mumbled a "Hello" in return (did not check to confirm just walked quickly to my door)?

 

OK this was a fail for me.

 

(I did get my box of Cherries though plus some)?

 

I wish I could complete the whole thing with more feminine voice to match clothing pass but I guess what I'm trying to convey for others is keep heart.

 

Don't worry about the 'passing' so much, just be yourself for now (adopt "Whatever") and power through it. Chant 'I am after all Uniquely ME'.?

 

And if you've found a way to get out of the house quicker, let me know!?

 

Anyone-else like to share minor paranoia/disaster moments?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KathyLauren]

You have the right idea: just carry on being yourself.

 

When I started doing electrolysis, way back before covid, I had a lot of regular weekly activities.  Considering that I had to grow my beard out for three days before each electrolysis session, someone was going to see me with stubble.  I tried to schedule my sessions to minimize the impact, but I quickly realized that I was going to have to accept being seen with stubble.  No one gave me a hard time, but if anyone had, I was ready for them.  I was a proud trans woman, and growing stubble was just something I had to do to be myself.

 

People take their cues for how to treat you from watching you.  If you act like prey - hiding, trying not to be seen, mumbling - they will act like predators.  If you show strength and pride in who you are (fake it until you make it! ), they will treat you as you wish to be treated.

 

I notice the occasional double-take when I start to speak.  My attitude is, "What?  You've never encountered a trans woman before?"  I don't say it, but I am definitely thinking it.  My body language conveys the thought.  It makes them realize that I expect to be treated like any other customer, so that is how I get treated.

 

I like your subject line: Just power through it.

[MelanieTamara]

Oh this is fun...Winter time, dressed in double hooded sweatshirt, baggie sweats, it's mid afternoon and freezing out.  Go to the self checkout in the cvs. Eyelashes, glue, setting spray, and some nail polish is the haul. Scan it through the red light thing, finish, run the card, and of course the wait spinny thing keeps spinning and spinning and spinning.

 

Then the big red box appeared and the cashier was called. She reset the computer and then said, "I can take you over here sir. So I brought my stuff over and  she rang the makeup haul through and took the money. No smirk, no chuckle, just nothing. I was waiting for the clever look but nope, nothing. I must admit, I was a bit disappointed.  But then again, i think my small hoop earrings made the math easy.

[swallow]

Hi KathyLauren,

 

The blessing in disguise (no pun) is with the virus, I have my mask so any 'imperfections' with my morning upper lower lip grooming can be easily masked...?

 

So weird that that is not the delay. The delay is then the constant fussing with the outfit 360 degree inspection...feel so tedious and silly.?

 

Sometimes I just want to put on a whatever outfit (sweats) but noooo, I feel the need to have to challenge myself...make life 'difficult' bc where would be the joy otherwise??(and the fear too...)

 

You're clearly right about the Trans awareness these days. Would have been FAAAAR harder back in the stone age when growing up.

 

Particularly, I feel an open mindedness with the young ones, like the young man who helped me with my cherries.?

 

 

[swallow]

 

Hi MelanieTamara,

 

THAT always seems to happen! I like the self check out but invariably, I would get something wrong and have to interact with the roving clerk...but thus far they have all been extra helpful.

 

Sometimes I wonder if they are thinking "Oh I've got one of them" and like spotting a whale off the California coast (something I have yet to be successful with even if people keep telling me they saw one just the other day)...its like a fun sighting for them and a chance for them to demonstrate (to themselves) that they are open minded.?

 

And good for them.

 

In my case, I am less worried about buying female things (so that transition for me was easy) bc I use to shop for my partner frequently, she was the opposite of me, would wear her grandma's clothes or sweats...?

 

Nah ah..that did not do for me I told her. She was a pretty thing so I endeavored to have her enjoy her gifts.

 

Secretly of course I enjoy shopping (have a gift for it, getting bargains since my Mom use to run a Hippy shop of her own back in the late 70s), and she happened to like the stuff I picked out. Some time later, of course she "complained" she felt like she was more doll (not far wrong) but she also enjoyed it (The dotting)?

 

And I always use to tell her (if it worked of course) "It looks great on you" which she said was very different from "You look Great in it"?

 

but it was a real challenge at first since she was barely 5 feet on a good day so finding Petite/XS (especially after vanity sizing) was TRICKY not to mention figuring out pants/trousers (which eventually I decided that was the one item she needed to buy on her own bc of the length issue)

 

I got confident going into Boutiques and shops looking for stuff...the sales people would think I was getting it for myself come over to ask if I needed some help and when I explained I was looking for XS for her, they were extra helpful.

 

Its a good way for some who may be shy to shop with the cover story that you were sent to look for a particular item bc you are about the same height I suppose...

 

But for me, it's made me almost too comfortable in the Women's department.?

 

Invariably, when buying stuff for my kids with them in tow, they often remarked how we always seem to 'end up' in the Women's Lingerie Department often in front of the XL bra section...all roads lead to Rome.?

 

These days if the sales person did not think it was for me, they take it I was some sort of (Potentially Highly demanding) Diva wardrobe consultant for a movie set...as I have been mistaken for....such is the fickle City I live in. So I don't feel awkward chatting about items on hand...(I always have too many questions)

 

Everything great but my voice just gets to me...."as it gives the game up"?

 

Tonight I watched an old film "Arachnophobia" with my son  (packing in a scary movie before his sister returns from college and runs the roost on the Evening media pickings)...

 

The actress in it Harley Jane Kozak I discovered was 5'9 which I am on a good day. More importantly she had a slightly deeper gruffier/raspy voice which worked with her and made her unique/sexy (which I notice as well many women on radio have)

 

Something for me to work with.?

 

 

 

[CJP]

I LOVE the way you just powered through that situation. Before I did my voice fem course, I always used to blurt out things in a low voice and I felt like I just got "caught". I felt soo awkward and embarrassed, and even ashamed. I tried to get through it best I could, but I don't know that I handled it as gracefully as you did. Good for you.

 

It sucks that we have to go through situations like these, but it sounds like the way you handled yours is helping make you an even stronger woman!