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Scared of going to church if I come out


Jazz-per

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So... I've been raised LDS my whole life. I don't necessarily disagree with the teachings, but I found out late last year I was trans. I know the church doesn't support it... it gets really depressing for me because I want to be out at church and stuff... and not be worried about being unsafe at church... I can live with some of the other stuff... I just don't want to be constantly told I'm wrong or an "abomination/abnormality" and that I just need to "learn to be more comfortable with who God made me to be"...

 

I know where my parents (both lifelong members) stand on it and it's not ver good... My dad has objectively stated that "trans men aren't men" and my mom mentions a lot of the time that this whole "gender thing" is an attempt to "confuse kids"... I just want to be happy and feel safe.

 

I agree with the majority of the church... but I just don't feel like I could feel or be safe if I came out and transitioned...

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  • Admin

I am not Mormon/CJCLDS but I have had close contacts with them during the time I was a Boy Scout volunteer and from close friends of my mother.  You are going to have a very rough time with them I am afraid to say.  Some of the earlier posts in this Forum have some topics by a long time member who battled the church, and which goes into some of the pertinent theology and practices that you will be up against.  A big part of the issue is the church emphasis on hereditary membership and the idea that your purpose in life is to have children, and anything that reduces that possibility is apostasy.  Do be careful in your relations since we have pulled the plug on some people pretending to be Trans who are instead Church religious counselors who attempt to solicit for Conversion aka Repairative Therapy to change your "orientation" back to what they think is your actual identity when our experience is exactly the opposite.  When I came out full time eleven years ago I had to quit my membership of 50+ years in the Boy Scouts due to the the Mormon control of the National BSA Board of Directors at the time.

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  • Forum Moderator

It comes down to what you believe and if a church doesn't accept you for who you are, they are the ones with the issue. Jesus would never reject you so why should they if they are true followers of what he did and showed with his love. 

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@VickySGV Yeah... it's gonna be a battle...  It doesn't help that I'm also pretty sure I'm ace... so the hereditary and family compulsion thing is something I really struggle with and my parents are really harsh on it. I'm glad I was able to find this forum before I came out though so at least I'll have someplace to go for support.

 

@Shay That's true. I'm still trying to figure out my own personal beliefs and whether or not my desire to stay with the church is because I agree with a lot of it or if it's because it's all I've ever known. I know I want to be happy with who I am and have that be okay with where I go.

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  • Forum Moderator

I would suggest that you choose your battles carefully.  The church is not going to change in your lifetime, and they will fight you all the way.  It might be time to seek out a different church whose teachings you can accept, and that is more accepting of our people.  You are stuck with family, but you probably don't want an entire entrenched hierarchy against you.

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@KathyLauren That's a good point. I guess I'm just really scared of change and not really sure even how I'd go about it. But I don't really want to have that full repercussion of the whole church as you pointed out. I'm just an obsessive overthinker and terrified of that change. 

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9 hours ago, Torrence Kieran said:

I'm still trying to figure out my own personal beliefs and whether or not my desire to stay with the church is because I agree with a lot of it or if it's because it's all I've ever known.

You might get closer to understanding that if you study the history of Christianity, an overview, not just of one religion. You can take a course or make your own study through books and websites. It can be really fascinating to see the cultural interweavings with religious traditions. If you enjoy general history you could really have a good time and start to get a larger perspective on how you approach religion.

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If you want to go to church, go. If it makes you feel at home, if it makes you feel socially healthy, or in touch with spirituality, go. You can work on untangling from whatever toxic parts of it are affecting you. You might never agree with everyone in the "club" of a given religion, or with the overall teachings, even. If you feel the religion you grew up in is harming you, search for lgbt friendly worship services in your area.

 

All I know about LDS I know from a friend who converted to it, and reading about it online.

 

I can only speak to my experience of the Catholic church, which is this: canon from Rome is way different from Midwestern home congregations' practices. You'll find a lot of nasty, snide iterations of canon/dogma online. It's easy to find people not just repeating the rules, but writing them in a condescending way. But it baffles me to see that, because where I grew up going to church, in a suburb of a large Midwestern city, we had an openly gay couple as music directors. If an apparently trans person went to that church, nobody would have said anything--except that my mother would have criticized their clothing, because she criticizes people a lot, for everything. I don't go on this ramble to say you should go to a Catholic church. I only mean you might find friends in any denomination.

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  • 2 years later...

I am also a member of the lds church right on the edge of figuring out gender. I am non-binary, aroace. I have similar concerns and at this point have told some of my family and a couple of friends. I am also nervous about this-I am afab, but tend to have a more male presentation. I am still trying to figure out what to do. 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi, @phys.  Welcome to Trans Pulse.

 

That is a tough position to be in.  I know that that church does not view us kindly. 

 

There are other churches that are supportive of trans people, but obviously the decision whether or not to change denominations is a very personal one.  I hope you are able to find advice here on the forum and in real life. 

 

Regards,

Kathy

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I found a church that was accepting of me. I enjoyed my old church because of the modern music and the pastors were phenomenal. I just knew I wasn't going to get accepted, so I went to an Evangelical Lutheran Church and haven't looked back. They have never seen me in male mode, so it was a nice fresh start. They do know I'm trans and it's a wonderful feeling to say the least. 

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Welcome Phys

I've never been Mormon, but have known some, and even investigated it at one time.

I was however in churches for most of my life.  I know there a lot of folks here that are accepted by their churches, and good for them.  I'm glad for them.

For my own part, it was only when I got away from "church" that I was free to accept my own self.  But I am here in the Bible Belt.

It's hard when you are expected to conform to someone else's concept of your identity, and it's just not you.

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