My Sibling outed her/him-self

[OneOfMany]

One of my siblings outed himself. S(h)e had been shutting himself from the world from a while and wasnt very happy. Then (s)he outed ...self to our inner family under great emotinal suffering. Like we would hate her/him or something now, which we didnt. Then he went to therapy, was diagnosed depression and became treatment and shortly after hormones. (S)hes way better now. Now (s)he outed ...self to the rest of the familiy and starts demanding to be called different.

First (s)he dont look any different yet, only changed insignificant details. So Im definetly wont call my sibling different like im used to just because (s)he feels like it now. My inner family started to do so more often then not though. Which will probably produce quite some cringe situations. I still have to figure out how I can solve this.

Second I dont care how (s)he deals with her/his live as long as (s)he is happy again. Still I find it stupid that (s)he decided (s)he needs to change her/his sex to become happy again. All started when (s)he started to fail school and worsend when (s)he was forced to work in an unpleasent job for half a year. Then (s)he came with: "I had a lot of time to think this last months. I think I always have been in the wrong body." For me this sounds like an excuse, a path to flee by blaming everything on something (s)he can never fully be. From what I noticed her/his hormon therapy start was also very rushed instead of being throughfully psychologically examined before. I will always think: "Why havnt you just grown up?" I respect her/his decision and I dare anyone who thinks he must poke fun at my siblings but I probably can never accept her/his decision. This keeps me busy at night.

[Jani]

Hello. I think its important to understand that your sibling coming out and wanting to change is not up to you to think is good, bad or indifferent.  It is their choice.  

 

You say you do not know how to solve certain situations,  It is not for you to solve or fix.  We all deal with people in our lives the best we can, hopefully with love and compassion.  I would hope you and other family members would do this for your sibling.  As they are depressed (a common side effect) this would help to make them feel better.

 

They do not sound like a child so they can make their own decisions. Remember you do not have to understand in order to be understanding.

 

Jani

[VickySGV]

@Janihas said exactly the things I would have as "first responder". 

 

Since you are not Trans yourself you have not real idea of what it is like.  I presume you are here because you wanted help so you could love your sibling, but refusing to HONOR your sibling's requests is not the way to do that at all. Even Trans people can find reasons they are "not" Trans and think that denial of what they have found as the truth is the way to help them.  Big Surprise, maybe all that is needed for you sibling to have a happier and more authentic life is to have their IDENTITY honored by their family.   It is no shame to you for your sibling to feel your sibling is a gender other than they one they were assigned at birth, and even more, it is NO SHAME to them either.  If you cannot do what is asked of you, you are safer for both to stay far away from each other. 

[Jazz-per]

Hey there.

 

As someone who isn't out to his family and holds a lot of fear of just the type of response you gave ("I respect and want their happiness, but not if it means changing how I talk about them!") While it's okay to push them to therapy... you have to acknowledge this isn't your choice to make. Not respecting a few words to avoid "cringey situations" is just another way of acknowledging you don't truly respect them as a human being. It doesn't matter what you think it is... it's a matter of respect for them. You can encourage them to take it slow and seek more therapy, but again, that's not your decision in the end. And going out of your way to call them the wrong pronouns is just going to cause them to hurt more and feel they can't trust you to be there for them.

 

The end question is:

 

Does your outsider view of them and desire to avoid awkward situations outweigh your relationship, respect, and love for them?

[OneOfMany]

Let me make this clear: I respect his/her decision. I still love my sibling and let him/her feel that. I just think his/her decision is not right. And I also think (s)he doesnt have the right to demand being called weird names if I dont feel like it. If (s)he actually looks very different I dont see a problem giving him/her a different name but just like that expecting something like that I find respectless.

[Susan R]

14 hours ago, OneOfMany said:

I respect his/her decision.

This is good and there are not many who will admit that and follow through. You don’t need to agree with their decision but your sibling deserves to be able to choose their path without judgment or condemnation.

 

14 hours ago, OneOfMany said:

I just think his/her decision is not right. And I also think (s)he doesnt have the right to demand being called weird names if I dont feel like it.

Again, you don’t have to agree that their decision is right or wrong but they do have the right to ask to be called by whatever name they feel comfortable. The name may seem “weird” to you but I’m sure your sibling has good reason to want that name used. Discounting their reason to want to be called a certain name is disrespecting their wishes. It would help your sibling more than you know to follow through and address them using their chosen name. It can make all the difference in the world and will make them happy…most of us here will agree with that. 

 

22 hours ago, OneOfMany said:

I dont care how (s)he deals with her/his live as long as (s)he is happy again.

Your effort to accommodate their name and pronoun request will help them be happy.

 

 

22 hours ago, OneOfMany said:

First (s)he dont look any different yet, only changed insignificant details. So Im definetly wont call my sibling different like im used to just because (s)he feels like it now.

14 hours ago, OneOfMany said:

If (s)he actually looks very different I dont see a problem giving him/her a different name but just like that expecting something like that I find respectless.

Understanding their reasons to present one way or another may be difficult as others here have stated because you are not living in her shoes. Being transgender is different for each of us because we all have a different way to express our gender. Even though they may feel feminine inside, it does not necessarily mean they wish to present themselves in a more feminine way. There could be many reasons for this. They may feel judgement when they present too feminine. They may not feel either gender or possibly their gender identity is more fluid. Every person is presents differently…some more feminine some more masculine and some prefer somewhere inbetween. Just because their presentation does not meet someone’s standards or expectations, it does not give them any right to judge or treat them with any less respect. They are human and deserve to be treated as such.

 

Susan R?

[tracy_j]

@OneOfMany I think you have been given good advice here but one thing I might suggest is that you read a few of the experiences people have shared here. It is difficult for anyone to understand the actions of someone else at times, no matter how close but you may begin to get a feeling of things. In that way your relationship with your sibling may be more understanding, at least of the issues. It's natural for both the trans person and their friends and family to want to understand what is happening. You have made a good move to come here to learn. Please make use of it.

 

Tracy

[Jazz-per]

I don't mean for this to sound harsh or anything, but from my own life and opinions here goes:

 

If you truly respect them you use their name and pronouns. From the sound of it they're fairly early in their transition so of course they're not going to  have a ton of outward changes. There's a decent amount of fear to be had when it comes to changing dressage and stuff like that before you've transitioned too far. Part of helping them come to terms with this part of themself is to let them hear that name and those pronouns. See how they fit.

8 hours ago, OneOfMany said:

And I also think (s)he doesnt have the right to demand being called weird names

To me this phrase in particular shows that this is more about you than them. If someone had a nickname they preferred to go by most likely you wouldn't be this against it. So ask yourself why this is truly so different for you? What is really underlying all of this? What does it cost you to use their name?

8 hours ago, OneOfMany said:

If (s)he actually looks very different I dont see a problem giving him/her a different name but just like that expecting something like that I find respectless.

So I can't transition because of my home life, but have told some friends what name and pronouns I'd like to go by. Does that make me respectless? They haven't changed a lot yet and that's okay. They don't owe you anything. To me you have put out two different and contradicting statements:

You respect them.

You find them respectless.

Your respect of them is conditional... which it shouldn't be. All people deserve basic respect. And again, what does it cost you to say a different name and pronouns?

[OneOfMany]

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And again, what does it cost you to say a different name and pronouns?

If Im forced to it my freedom of speech.

 

[MaryEllen]

This seems to be more about you rather than your sibling. I would suggest that you seek counseling with a gender therapist. Not as a patient but rather to gain an understanding of what being transgender is about.

 

MaryEllen

Forum Director

[Jazz-per]

1 hour ago, OneOfMany said:

If Im forced to it my freedom of speech.

 

I... but how's that different from a slur? What you're doing is a form of hate speech (imo) which isn't covered by freedom of speech.

 

I think @MaryEllen got it perfect right there.

[OneOfMany]

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I... but how's that different from a slur?

I dont understand the last word in this context. Could you elaborate?

[Delcina B]

OneofMany,

Thank you for finding this forum & seeking answers. I think it does show your respect & love for your sibling. 

 

I spent 45 years hating myself & trying everything to hide, and deny my femininity. When I was 10 my mother found the tights I had been wearing. Later I saw my parents talking & I knew it was about me. They said nothing to me ever. I don't blame them, I was their first child & in the 1970s had probably not heard of transgender people & even if they had were probably scared & hoping it would just go away. Well it didn't I just hid it & lived as masculine as I could. I don't know why I'm created transgender, but I'm honest enough with myself today to accept who I am. I'm just starting this journey of transition, & it is really scary at times. I wish my wife supported me & may in time, but I understand your & her fear, anger & confusion for I lived with these for decades. I imagine your sibling is feeling afraid too, & could really use all of the empathy & support you can give her. 

 

If you read through the forum posts, especially the introductions you will find other stories like mine, these are those of us who have made it. Tragically there are many who can't bear the pain, take their own life & never do.

 

Sincerely,

Delcina

[OneOfMany]

12 hours ago, tracy_j said:

I might suggest is that you read a few of the experiences people have shared here

I will. Thanks for the advise.

[Confused1]

I agree with what everyone said before this. You might notice my profile picture. I still live as male and use my birth name. That said, I knew something was different about me by age 5. I didn't have a name for what I felt, as that was around 1960, so you now know how old I am. As a kid, it seemed that I had no choice but be what everybody told me I was. In comparison to some transgender people, my dysphoria has been mostly mild with a few strong waves. It was especially strong during puberty, and I have experienced what dysphoria can do to you.

 

We are all different and we do know we are very hard for cis people to understand. You probably don't realize this, but we have internalized what we have been told all our lives. The first transphobe your sibling likely had to overcome was herself. This is not a feeling or a choice to be transgender. The choice is how can you live with who you are on the inside when everyone around you sees you as something different. To you, this seems like something sudden, something new, maybe even  a phase. Most likely your sibling has been struggling with this for quite some time, but kept it hidden. Some of us do this for a long time, until we can't do it anymore. Some attempt suicide because they know what coming out can bring, or after they experience shame from others.

 

I had never told anyone what was going on in my head before 2 years ago. Prostate cancer decided otherwise for me. I didn't even know I was transgender before that. I just knew I experienced something different than anyone around me. I figured I could just grit my teeth through whatever I was experiencing to get through it each time. My cancer and treatments made me go out and find out what was happening to me. I also had to figure out how to fix a botched prostate surgery and who I am gave me a way to surgically fix it.

 

Because of the cancer I found out what living without testosterone was like. Being without hormones opened my eyes to how much relief it could bring. I am also not allowed to have estrogen for several more months because it might make my cancer return. Being without testosterone made me realize I never want to endure it's effects again. I didn't have the same experience as all the men on prostate survivor forums. I will go on maintenance estrogen once it is safe. My wife and some of my family struggled with the knowledge that I am transgender for awhile. I intend to live as male as long as I can because of my family. I live in an extremely conservative environment. Whatever I do affects my family as well as me. I am non binary and fluid, (something else that might not make sense to you) so this may be possible for the rest of my life. I have no guarantees.

 

Hormone therapy, called HRT, takes quite awhile to work it's magic. Your sibling will likely have to endure her transition time subject to ridicule from others, until she can pass. This can be a very hard time for one of us. You say you want her to be happy. I am not trying to be mean, but DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO RIDICULE HER?

 

And my name is.... Mike

[swallow]

Hi there,

 

This irks me. There's no such thing as "Freedom of Speech"?

 

Some Speech have grave consequences.

 

One should always think before one speaks.

 

What may seem flippant or inconsequential to you may be extremely hurtful to the someone close to you that you may claim to care for.

 

What does it cost you to use a name they like or a pronoun whilst they try and figure themselves out? Nothing. Its just a word.

 

But it may mean the world to them.?

 

 

 

 

 

[OneOfMany]

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There's no such thing as "Freedom of Speech"

There is. Which of course doesnst mean your speech is inconsequential.

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, OneOfMany said:

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There's no such thing as "Freedom of Speech"

There is. Which of course doesnst mean your speech is inconsequential.

True enough.

Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should do it.  Words included.

[Charlize]

I cannot see what it hurts you to use the pronouns your sister requests.  I can see how it hurts her to be denied.  You say you love her and want her to be happy.  Take a deep breath and consider how you might help, rather than considering how you feel it may be somehow incorrect or weird.  She isn't asking you to change your name but instead asking for the respect to use the one she choses. I was considerably older than you sibling when i transitioned but my brother has been wonderfully

accepting and today we are closer than ever.

Hugs,

 

Charlize