Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hiding from the Truth


Heather Shay

Recommended Posts

  • Forum Moderator

Have any of you, like me, found that hiding all your life and lying about things you are doing in the quiet is tremendously hard to overcome? I know they say that breaking a bad habit is one of the hardest things we as humans are faced with. If you were able to overcome - what did you do every time you slipped to help you get back up and soldier on in your goal of overcoming YOU?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I found that the six or eight months when I was living as myself part-time cured me of that.  It was so hard being Kathy at home and one or two safe places, but having to be that other guy the rest of the time.  Holding out until my planned coming-out date was very hard. 

 

I was so relieved when I could finally be myself all the time!  No more hiding!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Kathy, I am living part time right now. I am Kym at work and when I go to the VA. For appointments. Or go anywhere without my wife. Then I have to be mostly male when I am at home or out with the wife. It is getting harder and harder to be both.

 

Kymmie 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

It's hard but be patient. A wise woman told me when I was being anxious for MT wife to move faster towards acceptance "Don't drive faster then your angel can fly" and thinking about that has helped me slow down and let her catch up.

Link to comment

I'm still in the process of telling everyone but I've had to fight myself on so much this last year. I came off most of my medicine, reached down deep and dealt with my problems. Abandonment issues, fear of rejection, general and social anxiety, attention issues, identity problems, frustration. I opened up to everyone around me about how my brain worked and my weaknesses so I could force myself to call my own bs. I made it impossible for me to hide by opening my mouth every time. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Skillnachchaos that is incredibly brave of you. I've suffered from all those things for nearly 70 years and last year said enough's enough - but I still am fighting BUT making progress in many areas. So be proud of how far you've come.

Link to comment

Thank you. I felt scared as hell, and then not at all. I have to stop myself from telling everyone at work because I forget that just because I'm excited doesn't mean over share. 

Link to comment

But I was thinking of going into work with eye makeup on. Looking them in the eye when they can't look back or away. I keep feeling like I have to be aggressive but I haven't had to yet. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Suggest the slow selective route to telling people. A taste is reassuring no doubt but wanting to move too fast can cause issues so slow steady change is better to slowly get others to know and appreciate the true you.

Link to comment

Yeah. Thankfully I have people who care care about me. I wouldn't notice some of my traits without people I  trust looking out for me.  I've told about everyone in my family and some of my friends and one coworker. I am thinking about wearing light eye makeup to work, ease them into how I want to behave. They are already used to me singing and dancing. I'm already flamboyant, so I've been told. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

The slow gradual the change is best. Good luck.

Link to comment

Hi Shay, I have been trying break out of the lie for a long time now. I told my wife several years ago that I liked wearing woman’s clothes and that I wear them all the time. Our clothes are washed together except for my bras. I’ve told her that I have a very strong feminine side and that’s the way I was born.

 

My wife tolerates my feminine me but I still don’t feel comfortable talking about who I am and why. I try to think to myself that she knows what I wear so don’t hide it or lie. The woman in me has been hidden and pushed back for so long, it’s very hard for me to be open. At 77 I should be able to relax a little more. I’ll keep working on it.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra

Link to comment

I'm living as who I truly am at home, which is also work because I'm working remotely. Also, when I go out on my own or with my support group. I am not truly me with the family and with friends. And if Covid restrictions end, I'll have a terrible time having to go back to work.

 

I'm going to start being myself around some (few) friends and see how it goes. I start to resent the double life, spiritually and pragmatically (nail polish on, nail polish off, nail polish on...). Fear and shame hold me back but I'll keep working on them.

Link to comment

That I can speak to. I expect every single person I tell to freak out but I haven't found that to be the case. It's easier to admit being slightly gay (pan) than to admit gender discrepancies. Find the ones you can trust, then slowly start telling others. If they've known you long enough to know you, they might all respond as well as  it's gone for me. Good luck, be careful, be yourself, and most importantly, be happy. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   1 Member, 0 Anonymous, 132 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,945
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      My mother's maiden name is Schwinegruber, and to say that cabbage in all forms of use for our dinner table is an understatement.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Davie
    • EasyE
      So, I jumped on the "E" train last week and am about 10 days into my HRT journey. I have the tiniest patch available. I laughed when I opened it. "This little thing is supposed to give me more feminine characteristics?"   I haven't really felt much of anything so far, not that I expected to at this point. I am really, really tired but that may be other factors (like staying up too late to watch NCAA basketball every night). The one noticeable difference is that my libido seems to be a lot more subdued. Not that I am proud of this, but the big M was a practically a daily part of life for me. My daily comfort and way to get an endorphin hit or just deal with loneliness. The past week, though, has been, "meh." Is that the HRT tamping things down? Or just a normal down cycle for me? Not sure yet. Time will tell.   I have been very quiet about things overall. Only a few people know. No one in my immediate family. I fear the backlash I will get when they find out. Worst- case scenario, my daughters stop talking to me. That would kill me. I hope I can show them over time, "See, I am still me."   Met with my endo on Wednesday. He is good for me to up the dose when I feel comfortable. For now, I think I am going to stand pat and take things nice and slow. Of course, I could see myself tomorrow asking him to send in the script for the higher dose...   I keep asking myself, what is the end game with all of this. Unlike many on here, I don't have a concrete answer yet. I am not convinced I will "go all the way" and change my name and ID, etc. Part of me would love to soldier on just as I am but with a lot more feminine physical characteristics and a more distinctly feminine wardrobe. What does that make me? Non-binary? Not sure.  Again, I am just me, as unorthodox as that is...   All I know is that this is something I want to do. I am comfortable walking this path for now. Again, we'll see. As always, would appreciate any feedback the more experienced folks may have. Blessings to all!    EasyE
    • Ivy
      I grew up with it, my mother's side were Germans.  I still like cabbage.  I make a sweet/sour dish with vinegar and brown sugar, add some bacon if you have it.  And in warmer weather, slaw.  I like that better if it's a few days old, and has worked off a little.
    • Ivy
      Pity that we can't just respect each other and get along.
    • Willow
      Good Friday Morning    I will be spending a good portion of my day at church today.  I don’t know how any of my family would have been with me.  They all passed before I figured myself out.  I often think my mother and sister may have figured it out before I did but maybe it was just my depression that they saw.  I don’t know and never will.  My grandfather Young unconditionally loved me but he passed when I was 9.   Same with my wife’s parents, both gone before.  We’ve never had the greatest relationship with my wife’s brother but we do see them occasionally.  They words and actions aren’t always in sink when it comes to me.   Sour kraut or boil cabbage were never big even with my parents so that was something we were never expected to eat.  Nor was anything with mustard.  My mother hated mustard and it turns my stomach. My wife tried to sneak it into things early in our marriage but I could always tell.  She stopped after a while.   well I wave to go get ready to go to church.  I have a committee meeting at 10 and then we have a Good Friday Service at noon.   Willow
    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...