Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hiding from the Truth


Heather Shay

Recommended Posts

  • Forum Moderator

Have any of you, like me, found that hiding all your life and lying about things you are doing in the quiet is tremendously hard to overcome? I know they say that breaking a bad habit is one of the hardest things we as humans are faced with. If you were able to overcome - what did you do every time you slipped to help you get back up and soldier on in your goal of overcoming YOU?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I found that the six or eight months when I was living as myself part-time cured me of that.  It was so hard being Kathy at home and one or two safe places, but having to be that other guy the rest of the time.  Holding out until my planned coming-out date was very hard. 

 

I was so relieved when I could finally be myself all the time!  No more hiding!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Kathy, I am living part time right now. I am Kym at work and when I go to the VA. For appointments. Or go anywhere without my wife. Then I have to be mostly male when I am at home or out with the wife. It is getting harder and harder to be both.

 

Kymmie 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

It's hard but be patient. A wise woman told me when I was being anxious for MT wife to move faster towards acceptance "Don't drive faster then your angel can fly" and thinking about that has helped me slow down and let her catch up.

Link to comment

I'm still in the process of telling everyone but I've had to fight myself on so much this last year. I came off most of my medicine, reached down deep and dealt with my problems. Abandonment issues, fear of rejection, general and social anxiety, attention issues, identity problems, frustration. I opened up to everyone around me about how my brain worked and my weaknesses so I could force myself to call my own bs. I made it impossible for me to hide by opening my mouth every time. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Skillnachchaos that is incredibly brave of you. I've suffered from all those things for nearly 70 years and last year said enough's enough - but I still am fighting BUT making progress in many areas. So be proud of how far you've come.

Link to comment

Thank you. I felt scared as hell, and then not at all. I have to stop myself from telling everyone at work because I forget that just because I'm excited doesn't mean over share. 

Link to comment

But I was thinking of going into work with eye makeup on. Looking them in the eye when they can't look back or away. I keep feeling like I have to be aggressive but I haven't had to yet. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Suggest the slow selective route to telling people. A taste is reassuring no doubt but wanting to move too fast can cause issues so slow steady change is better to slowly get others to know and appreciate the true you.

Link to comment

Yeah. Thankfully I have people who care care about me. I wouldn't notice some of my traits without people I  trust looking out for me.  I've told about everyone in my family and some of my friends and one coworker. I am thinking about wearing light eye makeup to work, ease them into how I want to behave. They are already used to me singing and dancing. I'm already flamboyant, so I've been told. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

The slow gradual the change is best. Good luck.

Link to comment

Hi Shay, I have been trying break out of the lie for a long time now. I told my wife several years ago that I liked wearing woman’s clothes and that I wear them all the time. Our clothes are washed together except for my bras. I’ve told her that I have a very strong feminine side and that’s the way I was born.

 

My wife tolerates my feminine me but I still don’t feel comfortable talking about who I am and why. I try to think to myself that she knows what I wear so don’t hide it or lie. The woman in me has been hidden and pushed back for so long, it’s very hard for me to be open. At 77 I should be able to relax a little more. I’ll keep working on it.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra

Link to comment

I'm living as who I truly am at home, which is also work because I'm working remotely. Also, when I go out on my own or with my support group. I am not truly me with the family and with friends. And if Covid restrictions end, I'll have a terrible time having to go back to work.

 

I'm going to start being myself around some (few) friends and see how it goes. I start to resent the double life, spiritually and pragmatically (nail polish on, nail polish off, nail polish on...). Fear and shame hold me back but I'll keep working on them.

Link to comment

That I can speak to. I expect every single person I tell to freak out but I haven't found that to be the case. It's easier to admit being slightly gay (pan) than to admit gender discrepancies. Find the ones you can trust, then slowly start telling others. If they've known you long enough to know you, they might all respond as well as  it's gone for me. Good luck, be careful, be yourself, and most importantly, be happy. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 121 Guests (See full list)

    • Faye1972
    • Petra Jane
    • Karen Carey
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...