Things That Cause Me Dysphoria: a (non)Comprehensive List/ Me asking how you cope with these

[Jazz-per]

I'm not out so there's some I can't do anything about. Any advice is appreciated

• Chest
• Hip Shape (not excessively curvy, but definitely not masculine)
• Eyelashes (got really bad dysphoria one day and debated ripping them all out)
• Purses (just got a satchel instead, but sometimes still have to use purse)
• Painted nails (learned this the really hard way)
• My eyebrows (they're really light. I want to dye my hair brown and then I'll probably start darkening them so it looks natural)
• Face shape (lil too much fat for it to have good lines ?)
• Being called ma'am by people (I work in food service...)
• Misgendering
• How I stand (I pop my hip and cross my legs)
• My hands (musician/artist hands)
• Wearing dresses (parents make me)
• Singing/customer service voice (it goes so much higher)
• People staring at me (I know they're perceiving me as female and don't like that none)

I know I'm kind of rambling now so I might come back to this later.

[Jackie C.]

We have another mod that would be better able to answer this, but I haven't seen him in ages so...

 

• Chest - Use a binder (be safe with it though). You can also camouflage with loose, boxy tops. The men's department is FULL of this stuff. There's a preferred brand, but I've forgotten what it was. 
• Hip Shape - Not your friend, but you can camouflage with loose, boxy clothes. If you can work out, increasing your upper body size through exercise is also supposed to be helpful. It'll be work because estrogen, but it's achievable.
• Eyelashes - Excellent question. I don't recommend tearing them out though. Speaking as someone who lost hers to an autoimmune disorder, you miss the layer of protection keeping schmutz out of your eyeballs.
• Purses - Again, boy clothes. They have usable pockets. You'll also need a boy wallet which will be sized to fit into average boy pockets. Of course you can fit a wallet, keys, your phone and a semi-truck into the typical boy pocket.
• Painted Nails - Um, do not paint your nails again, or if you must, use a clear polish.
• Eyebrows - Eyebrow pencil. It'll darken those suckers right up. Tattoos are also an option (mine are tattoos but you're only 16 so you'd need parental permission for that) for later.
• Face Shape - Makeup is magic. You can alter your face lines using shading techniques to appear more masculine.
• Misgendering - Tragically, being perceived as our target gender takes work. Work on your appearance, manner of dress, mannerisms and voice. I only get misgendered by people who knew me before transition (who happen to be festering boils on the buttocks of humanity).
• How You Stand - Practice. You're aware of the problem, practice standing and walking like a dude.
• Your Hands - Not a lot you can do about that, sorry. Nothing wrong with having long, delicate fingers though.
• Wearing Dresses - Either come out to your parents, refuse, or suck it up. Tragically, until you're eighteen and out of the house, your parents have control over your destiny or at least undue influence. If they don't know wearing dresses makes you buggy, they'll keep doing it.
• Singing/Customer Service Voice - Again, work on your voice. Drop that sucker into the basement. It takes work, but you can do it. Changing your resonance is easier than you think. It just takes practice. A LOT of practice, but it's achievable.
• People Staring At You - Ugh, male gaze. See above points. If they stop perceiving you as female, again, hard work but something you can manage if you put in the effort, they'll stop looking at you like a female. You may have to fend off some gay guys though. I have cis-male friends that are absolute magnets for gay guys on the prowl. Still, they won't be looking at you like a woman.

I hope some of that helps. Tragically, a good presentation isn't free (though it's closer to free for FtMs than it is to MtFs), especially without access to puberty blockers and hormones. I'm remembering that your family is in one of the more strict religions though. It's going to be tough. You might just have to tough it out until you can leave the house if your parents won't budge or you suspect they'll ship you off for conversion therapy.

 

Hugs!

[DonkeySocks]

On 6/22/2021 at 4:33 PM, Torrence Kieran said:

Singing/customer service voice (it goes so much higher)

 It's maddening. I do it all the time. That sing-songy customer service or phone voice. Fwiw, my husband's voice goes up an octave when he's talking to coworkers or customers on the phone, too, and he's got a naturally resonant, deep voice.

 

I used to carry approximately twelve pounds of things in a purse. Now I carry kleenex, phone, car keys, and wallet, split between two front jeans pockets.

 

Honesty works sometimes! However, if it's not something you can safely talk about with your parents: Next time you shop with your parents, obsess over the slacks and button-down shirts and gush about how cute they are. When a parent points out a nice dress, counter with slacks, talking about how they might flatter your shape. "I'm going to try them on." And also go ahead and try on skirts or whatever they insist on, and then reject the dresses with your nicest smile. Be sweet, easy to deal with, and point out that spending money on clothes is only worth it if you love wearing them, and you *love* (insert style here). Cis females wear slacks in every kind of formal situation, so insisting on dresses is illogical, but your parents may need to be carefully trained--that is, if they're not the type where you can just explain and put your foot down.

[DonkeySocks]

Btw I don't know if it will help if you really hate your eyelashes for reasons other than thinking of them as feminine, but long, luxuriant eyelashes are seen as a sign of male beauty as much as female beauty. They are really a gender-neutral attractiveness trait.

[lilhobbit37]

One thing that keeps me sane is that my brother gets misgendered as female on the phone all the time, so even though I know my customer service voice causes me to get called miss and ma'am, I just tell myself that voices over the phone are confusing and try not to let it get to me. I tell myself it isn't a FtM thing, it is just a phone thing (even if it isn't true it helps).

[Vidanjali]

A thought about eyelashes & brows. As @Jackie C. said, please resist the urge to mess with the lashes for the sake of your eye health. Do you wear any corrective eye wear? If you're near-sighted, opt for some masculine glasses rather than contacts because (1) near-sighted lenses make your eyes (and therefore eye lashes) appear smaller, and (2) the right shaped frames may deemphasize your eyebrows (that is, frames that come up higher, closer to the brows than average). In that case, maybe check out Warby Parker. They are competitively priced and all their glasses are "unisex". If you do not require vision correction, even better because you can experiment with non-presription fashion glasses in masculine styles. Different glasses shapes can make your face appear less round too if that's troubling you. 

 

About purses. Besides the fact that men's pants (as opposed to women's wear) indeed and inexplicably contain actual functional pockets, consider that fanny packs have become trendy and that all genders use them. I'm afab and enby, and I've been phasing out purses in favor of men's/unisex fanny or crossbody packs. I've found some cool ones on Amazon & using them has helped me with that aspect of dysphoria. If you need a bigger bag, maybe find a cool "man bag" rather than a purse.