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The question of why.


Janae

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As we face our fears and work towards over coming them, there are those fears that can be extremely difficult to over come such as abandonment.  A question or comment I got was why didn’t I tell my partner about this “issue” before we got married?  And why do you need to do this?  I try to explain that this is something we are born with, and if we are not able to find out early on that “we are not alone” it can be a painful existence of trying to hide what we may perceive as shameful. Finding out we are not alone and that there is nothing to be ashamed of, and finally being able to express who we really are is such a wonderful thing, yet we are faced with these ultimatums of abandonment if we go much further with our expression   How do you deal with this fear, and the question of why?

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My upbringing was very black-and-white.  Girls were girls and boys were boys, and there was only one way for each of them to be, no matter how difficult it might seem.  With no flexibility permitted, I tried very hard to fit into the pigeonhole that they told me was mine.  I tried so hard, for 60+ years.  Double-deadbolted that closet door and nailed it shut from the inside.

 

Why didn't I tell my wife?  Well, that is why.  It wasn't permitted.  I told her when I realized that I was pretending, and that I couldn't pretend any more. 

 

The fear, before I told her, was very real.  Might she leave me?  I thought probably not, but the possibility was quite real.  What changed was that, instead of running away from the fear and continuing to pretend, I turned and faced it.  Okay, what if she does leave me?  I thought about it realistically and decided that, although it would hurt like hell, I would survive.  While my preference would be to be myself and be with her, being myself without her would be better than pretending with her.

 

There is a saying: If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you, it is yours forever.  If it doesn't, it never was yours.  That was something like how I faced the fear.  In my mind, I had to let go and become okay with the idea that she had the right to decide to stay with me or not.

 

And here we are.  I told her, five years ago this week, and we are still together.  I can't claim that my subconscious was preparing for this situation when I first fell in love with her.  But certainly, I saw a strength of character in her that I liked a lot, and it was that strength that made her decide to stay with me.

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Beautifully expressed, @KathyLauren. Thank you!!  And...thank you again!!

 

Astrid 

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